“What Saint Francis is Teaching Me”

Ever since seeing the Franco Zeffirelli movie, “Brother Sun, Sister
Moon,” when first released in 1973, Joyce and I have been fascinated by
Saint Francis of Assisi. Never before or since have I been so affected by a
movie. When I left the movie theater, I felt ready to give away all my
possessions – actually, I had very few possessions at the time; I was a
resident in psychiatry. But still, Joyce was sympathetic yet more rational
than me when I shared my radical intentions. “Barry,” she said with
gentle love in her voice, “Perhaps there’s a way to live simply and in
peace without becoming homeless.”

“The Power of Gratitude to Change Our Lives”

Barry and I have just returned from Assisi, Italy, where we led our second week long retreat with musician and friend, Charley Thweatt. Similar to last year, the retreat in Assisi was life-changing for both of us. Assisi, the home of St. Francis and St. Clare, is a very inspiring place and lends itself to inner reflection and a desire to create a more fulfilling life.

Are You Vulnerability-Challenged?

So many people struggle with their relationships. For many people, intimacy is a foreign language. And vulnerability … forget it! Show your partner your weakness, fear, pain, need for love? No way! That’ll make you look pathetic.

Pray-Mates

People often ask us, "What is the single most important practice a couple can do for their relationship?" Certainly we have our favorites, like appreciation, inner-parent/inner child balancing, honest communication of feelings, asking for and giving forgiveness, and taking responsibility for our projections. But the most important thing we can do is to find a way to strengthen our spiritual connection, both inside ourselves and with our partner. 

The Real Bucket List

Once in a while, a person will have a defining moment -- an experience -- a bit of wisdom or inspiration that pops into their heads and hearts and changes their lives.  I had one of those moments recently on the Rogue River in Oregon. It helped to change in a very positive way my relationship with Barry, my beloved of 46 years. 

The Art of Vacation

A vacation can be an ideal time to deepen, strengthen and bring inspiration to relationships and family. It is important to remember this when planning and taking off on your vacation. 

The Gift of Acknowledgement

Acknowledging others is a powerful way to strengthen relationships and increase fulfillment in life. Everyone understands the importance of an acknowledgment when someone gives you a material gift, such as sending flowers, a beautiful candle for your birthday, the gift of a special book or new CD. Usually a phone call or card is sent in gratitude. But what about the gifts that can’t be seen. These need acknowledgment just as much. Your employee stays late, your daughter does the dishes by surprise, your friend comes to support you when you have heard bad news, or your teacher does an excellent job. 

Men & Relationship

Over the years of working with men and their relationships, not to mention my own 31 year relationship with Joyce, I have seen some central issues emerge. The last thing I want to do is generalize, saying that all men do this or feel that. However, I have seen certain tendencies which apply to many men. If any of the following applies to you, take it to heart. If not, let it pass, but be sure you are not in denial.

Baby Therapy

Joyce and I are sitting on the plane before take-off to return home across the country. Deep fatigue has set in. I’m in the window seat and Joyce has the aisle. There’s an empty seat between us, giving us luxurious space to spread out. Okay, I planned it that way. It’s a secret picked up by couples who fly a lot. It works about half the time. This time it didn’t work. A massive man walks up the aisle. I watch him as he glances this way and that. Then his eyes settle on the seat between us and I know the gig is up. Gentleman that I sometimes am, I offer him my window seat, which he fills to overflowing. The cross-country flight threatens to be very long. I am pressed against Joyce (well, that part’s not so bad). A nap, which I very much need, seems out of the question.

How Thoughts Can Transform Relationships

It is important to have kind thoughts towards our loved ones, whether it be our partner, child, parent, sibling or friend. These thoughts are the prerequisite for a loving, fulfilling and dynamic relationship.

Healthy Boundaries

“Our minds may not need boundaries, but our feelings demand them.”

This  article is about boundaries, a topic that is often poorly understood or, if understood, difficult to honor in day-to-day life. 

What Do You Choose to Remember?

Life is constantly giving us opportunities to make choices as to what we remember. Each day holds many different moments; some painful, joyful, confusing, happy, peaceful, angry and loving. It is up to us as to which ones we remember. Our memories can't hold all these moments, so the ones we choose to remember are important, for we will learn and grow from them. It is a little like selecting the best picture from a stack of proofs. 

Three Kinds of Touch

“We all crave ‘parental’ touch, no matter how much or how little we received as children.”

There’s a cartoon of a man sitting at a desk with a phone in each hand, saying “I put you on hold. You put me on hold. Everyone is put on hold, but nobody feels held.” 

Women's Night

Leslie and Sam, a couple in their early thirties, described a deep love and caring in their relationship, except in their sex life. Sam wished Leslie would enjoy sex more, would be more attracted to him, and would be more sexually spontaneous. Leslie felt that, most of the time, sex was about Sam – his needs, his wishes, even his orgasm. Although she felt Sam’s love for her at other times, during sex she mostly felt his desire for her body. She didn’t really feel loved and cherished. And most of the time, this was actually fine with her. She was happy that Sam was getting what he needed. She was happy to give herself to him. But sometimes she wished he could give to her what she needed.

Angry at Your Ex

A young person wrote to us recently with the following question: “I found out certain things that my former partner did behind my back while we were still together. These things have hurt me very much and I feel filled with anger and hatred toward this person. I have tried counseling, talking with friends, trying to forget about it, going on special trips, doing things I love to do and still this hatred remains in my heart. I am hurting so much and don’t know what to do. Please help me.” 

Kindness Comes Back to Us

Last week I went swimming to the pool I go to in Watsonville. Watsonville is just ten minutes away from us, but when I enter it I feel like I have just stepped into Mexico. Mostly Spanish is spoken, though people understand English. Lately there have been quite a few gang related killings in Watsonville. Most of the gangs are young men from Mexico. The police are overly suspicious and are always on the look out for trouble.

Carried By Dog

Our daughter, Rami, and a friend took our golden retrievers the other day on a walk to a pond near our property. It was an idyllic scene, the pond ringed with cattails and almost waist high still-green meadow grass from the late rains this past year, and the melodious singing of the red-winged blackbirds. But the serenity was about to be broken. The dogs spotted an immature blackbird on one of the cattails and rushed for it. The young bird took off in alarm out across the pond but had not yet perfected its flying skills. It angled lower and lower until it splashed down right in the middle of the pond, where it remained, thrashing about trying to stay afloat. 

The Best Friend Within

Barry and I spend almost all of our time together. We love working together, raising our children, exercising, cooking, cleaning, gardening, playing, telling each other everything and of course being lovers. After thirty-eight years of being together, we still love to be in each other’s presence. 

The Nest of Peace

Shared Heart Column

New Dimensions of Relationship     July 2011

with Joyce and Barry Vissell

“The Nest of Peace”

Finding peace in your lives and relationships, especially if you feel stressed with financial, health, or relationship challenges, can sometimes seem almost impossible. And yet finding that peace is essential. 

The Art of Apology

“If someone feels hurt by us, we need to apologize no matter whether we hurt them intentionally or unintentionally, or whether we feel innocent or guilty.”

Hurting another person is inevitable. Most of the time we do not intend to hurt someone, but still we may. We may be insensitive with our words or actions or even our lack of words when words are needed. We may hurt someone through miscommunication or lack of understanding. Sometimes we hurt someone intentionally, like when we are angry. In either case we need to apologize in order to keep growing spiritually. 

Feeling Our Feelings - More Lessons from Leo Buscaglia

Leo Buscaglia loved Joyce. More than being her preceptor in her master’s program at the University of Southern California, he was a spiritual teacher and friend. And through Joyce, I had also felt close to Leo, although most of my time was occupied as a medical student at the same university. 

What We Learned from Leo Buscaglia - Appreciation

Recently we were house-sitting a friend’s lovely home when I noticed that he had an old video of Leo Buscaglia speaking in Chicago. I eagerly put on the video and, as I watched our dear friend, a flood of memories came back. 

The Mother/Daughter Relationship

 November 2003

The mother/daughter relationship is very important. It is often one of the more neglected relationships and yet certainly one of the most significant in a woman's life. Healing your relationship with your mother or daughter will positively affect your entire life.

Lovers from Before

Lovers from Before by Barry and Joyce Vissell

"Lovers do not meet somewhere along the way.
They’re in each other’s hearts from the beginning."
—from a Persian love poem

The relationship between Barry and me seemed to begin before we met at age eighteen. It had been one of the main themes of my childhood play and fantasy: to reunite with my beloved. By the time we met, it felt like we had been in love our whole lives.

I remember as a child being sent to my room when I was crying or upset. Perhaps my parents were trying to understand my feelings, but in my young mind and heart I felt alone. I remember so clearly how, during one of those times, I heard an inner voice speak to me. I had never had this experience before and listened carefully to the message. It told me that when I was grown, I would meet a man who would understand my feelings, that I would recognize him as a tall, dark-haired doctor who would become my best friend. From early childhood, I trusted this message which came to me over and over again whenever I felt that no one understood me.

Making Love a Priority

Barry and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary on December 21, 2003. In all truth I love him so much more than when I was a 22 year old bride. I love him now in the very depths of my being in a way that will only grow and become more meaningful as time passes. Strangers often assume that we are newly married by the way we kiss and hold each other. We can't help it--we are still very enthusiastic about one another.

Equality in Relationships

We as women deserve to be seen, heard, loved and honored in our relationships just as much as men. All too often women are, or appear to be, powerful career women in their place of work and then revert to unequal roles at home, doing all the nurturing of the children, the household chores and allowing their husbands to make many of the decisions without them. Some of the major religious traditions do not allow women to have equality in relationships. Even when women try to deny these cultural or religious influences, they are all around us. How do we bring equality and balance into our relationship? 

It Must Be Love

It's not every day that you write a story that ends up as a CBS World Premiere Sunday night movie earning the highest ratings of the evening. When Joyce and I wrote “Rediscovered Love” for our book, Meant To Be , we based it on a true story. Using editorial license, we added some elements that, in our experience, deepened and completed the story. 

Our Parent's Blessing

There is an ancient saying in the Hindu tradition that unless we receive the blessing of our parents, we cannot progress on our spiritual path. This saying may conjure images of an elderly parent dressed in long flowing robes laying their hand upon their child and blessing their journey. Few of us will ever receive this type of blessing, yet there is much wisdom in that saying that applies to us today. 

Can You Change a Loved One?

There is a well known joke, “How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is none, the light bulb must first want to change.” 

With people, it is not so simple. Yes, in some ways, the person must also want to change. Yet it is also possible to change a person in profound ways. How is this done? There are two fundamental ways. 

Don't Wait Until It's Too Late

Recently I saw a young couple in counseling. I knew them well for they have come to see me once a year over the past six years. They have three small children and want the marriage to work. They have several important unresolved issues, which we begin to work on in a session, but then I don't see them for a full year or more. Each time I see them the issues have grown in magnitude to the point that their relationship is in serious risk of dissolving. I asked them why they don't come more often than once a year. They replied that they feel they can't afford to come more often. I saw them both drive up separately in relatively new cars, and they recently bought a home, so I know they aren't poor. In a gentle but firm voice I told them that a divorce lawyer is going to cost them 3 to 4 times the hourly rate that I charge, at many more hours. Unless they do the work to resolve these issues they are headed in that direction. They got the point and have been seeing me on a regular basis and finally doing the work to resolve their issues. 

Pay It Forward

Driving home from a workshop in Los Angeles , Barry and I listened to the book, Pay It Forward , on audiotape. By the time we arrived home late on a Sunday night we were almost finished with the tapes. Our golden retriever dogs, the official welcoming committee at our house, came bounding out to greet us, yet we couldn't get out of the car we were so captivated by the ending. By the time we opened the car door to greet our dogs, we felt inspired and motivated. Listening to the tape we laughed, cried and felt strengthened in our desire to make a difference in the world. 

Two Steps Behind Anger

Jocelyn was fuming. Seth had promised to come home at 6pm and it was now 7:30pm. He hadn't called her and his cell phone only responded with a message. And it was their fourth anniversary. 

Cole was frustrated and angry. He and Amber had planned to meet some new friends at 7pm at a restaurant 20 minutes from their house. It was now 7pm and Amber was not finished dressing. 

Lily's mother wanted her to come home for the holidays. On the phone, she was going on and on about how Lily wasn't being a good daughter. Lily exploded and starting yelling at her mother. 

The Other Side of Rejection

Have you ever failed to speak your deepest truth because of your fear of rejection? Has your heart ever called you to do something, but you failed to do it because you didn't want to take the risk of being rejected? Whenever I feel the fear of rejection I think of my early professor Leo Buscaglia.

Married to Your Job?

One Friday morning, we received a phone call on our answering machine from a woman who was signed up to come that evening, with her partner, to our Winter Couples Retreat. She apologized that she was canceling, described their current stressful self-employment deadlines, understood she would be losing $225 in nonrefundable deposits, and then added with an audible sigh, “I guess we're married to our job right now.” The sad quality in her voice particularly struck me so much that I shared it with the group of couples that evening, congratulating them for taking time out from their busy lives to give a whole weekend to renewing their relationships. 

Are We Enabling Our Children?

Years ago, Joyce and I saw a couple who were financially supporting their 31 year old daughter. They were paying for her rent, her college tuition (although she was only taking one class at a time), her insurance premiums, and still she just couldn't get by, so there were frequent calls for more money, which this couple would immediately send. They understood they were enabling their daughter, but they felt they would be heartless to cut off this financial support. And, to complicate matters further, their daughter blamed them for her problems, adding guilt to the mix. 

Sensual Moments

Joseph and Samantha took our advice. No matter how busy they felt they were, every Saturday starting at 5pm was their date night. Both self-employed, they previously had trouble setting limits on their work schedule. They would typically plan a special time together, only to let some unplanned deadline swallow it up. Ever since their commitment to their weekly date, their relationship took an upswing. Sometimes they went out to dinner, sometimes a show, sometimes dancing, sometimes just a long walk. Almost always, a special part of their date was coming back home to make love. 

Death and Dying Can Be a Great Adventure

I chose to write A Mother's Final Gift  because of my mother's amazing attitude to death. She truly felt that her dying process would be her greatest adventure in this life. Yes she had pain and other inconveniences like being helpless to care for herself, and yet she did not let this interfere with her belief that dying could be a beautiful experience. While our family of 5 (my husband Barry and our three children) cared for her on a daily basis and especially the last two weeks of her life she was able to give to us a peek into eternity and the place where she was going.  Rather than these two weeks being a dark and gloomy time, she made it inspiring for all of us. We will never be the same again.

Discover the experience at SharedHeart.org

Lasting Love

We recently led a couple's retreat at Rowe Conference Center in Massachusetts. One of the couples there, Anne and Harry, from Maine, had been married 41 years and were absolutely adorable together. They kept referring to each other with so much tenderness that the rest of us just had to smile. There were many wonderful things that happened during that retreat, and one of the most outstanding was witnessing two people so devoted to one another after so many years of marriage. At the end of the retreat they shared with the group that they appreciated being honored as elders. 

Who Is More Spiritual?

At a recent couple's retreat a man started talking about how much further ahead his wife was: “She reads a lot of self-help books, goes to workshops, meditates, and does yoga. I only provide for the family and in my free time spend as much time with our family as I possibly can.” As he spoke he placed his one hand higher than the other and sadly said, “She is up here and I am down here, and I don't think I can ever catch up with her.” Barry and I looked over at his wife who also sadly agreed with all that he said. This perception, we knew, was going to keep them from feeling totally connected. And yet looking at this couple we couldn't help but notice the equality of love in both of them. I found myself telling them a story about myself that happened twenty five years ago. ……

Accepting Your Inner Monster

We often have Charley Thweatt sing the following song before we work on self-acceptance at our workshops. The words are right to the point, starting with the question, “Freedom, how can it be?,” followed by the answer, “Accepting all the parts of me.”

The Art of Rest

How few of us take time to just rest, sit quietly and reflect upon our gratefulness and allow peace to enter our lives. We try to cram as much as we can into each day. The modern word is all about multitasking, and people take great pride in this skill. I once drove next to a man in our crowded early morning rush hour traffic. His cell phone headset was on his head and he talked the entire time he was driving. This in itself is not that unusual. It was unusual that he also shaved, put on shaving lotion, brushed his hair, put on his tie (while the traffic was momentarily stopped) and also ate his breakfast, drank his coffee and was studying a map the whole time. It seems the more we can get done in the quickest amount of time the better.

Choosing a Good Therapist

A truly good psychotherapist or counselor can be an important help and ally in this wonderful and often confusing path of life. There have been times in my 41-year relationship with Joyce when we have been unable to move past a obstacle by ourselves, and the help of a good therapist has been invaluable. If you can't work something through in your own relationship, get help before you cause serious damage to the trust between you.

Gifts Behind the Pain

In every relationship there is a gift to be found that will strengthen and bless our lives. Sometimes these gifts come in sweet, delightful ways and sometimes they come through pain. The important thing is not to be attached to how the gift comes to you, but to pay attention to the possibility of discovering the gift.

It Takes Two

It takes two to tango. It takes two to share your heart. It also takes two when there are problems in a relationship.

Cinda and Galen had only been together two years but were deeply in trouble. Cinda had just had sex with another man, and was feeling burdened with shame and guilt. Galen felt humiliated and angry, and blamed Cinda for destroying their relationship.

A Mother’s Final Gift - Book Excerpt

[We are excerpting one last time from our new book, A Mother’s Final Gift:  How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family] My mother died three years ago, and her death and dying process has changed my life. I’ve never been afraid of death itself. Rather, I’ve been afraid of the process it takes to get there. My mother’s dying process played out my worst nightmare. She became incontinent, and had to have her granddaughters, daughter and son-in-law change her diapers. In the last weeks, she was totally dependent on other people for everything. She was not able to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, or even change to a more comfortable position in bed. Plus, she was at times in significant pain.

You Can't Run Away

There is no way to avoid pain in our lives. Pain does not come as a punishment, but rather as an opportunity for growth. When we can learn from the pain and receive it's gift, then we are free to go on. There is no such thing as successfully running away from pain. Sooner or later the feelings catch up with us.

Is Your Picker Broken?

At a community event, a woman recognized and approached Joyce and me. She said, part joking and part serious, “I need your help. My ‘picker' is broken.” Noticing the confused looks on our faces, she continued, “Every man I pick for a relationship turns out to be wrong. I've finally realized I have a broken picker. Can you help me fix it?” 

Ten Minute Spiritual Challenge

There are many things that are important in a healthy couple relationship: communication, healing the past, respect, appreciation, gratitude, sexuality, co-operation, compromise, having fun together, and the list goes on. But the most important is allowing for spiritual time when two people can connect soul to soul and heart to heart. This type of connection is the deepest and most fulfilling for two people, for it allows the inner spiritual being to be felt by the other. By “spiritual” we don't necessarily mean “religious,” but rather a conscious recognition of something (an energy or love) bigger than your bodies, egos, and personalities.

Living With Passion and Enthusiasm

Our golden retriever Charley has taught us a lot about life. When he was a younger dog we would take him for long walks along the beach. He assumed that each person on the beach would like nothing more than to give him a pet. He would run up to people, sit down politely and wag his tail. Most people took his friendliness good naturedly. When people resisted him he would sit patiently in front of them wagging his tail and just looking them in the eye. His unconditional love and patience for all of humanity soon won over even the most dog resistant person and he would receive the longed for pet and then run on his way to the next person. In Charley’s world there was no room for rejection. He assumed that with enough love (and time), the person would come around and they did. Whenever my fear of rejection blocks my passion and enthusiasm, I think of Charley and his dauntless spirit. I never saw him give up on anyone.

Healing Our Relationship With Our Parents

Many years ago, Joyce and I learned how important it was to heal our relationship with our parents, to especially confront the memories and experiences of our childhood and adolescence, and then open communication with them. If we don’t do this, we place at risk every relationship we currently have. Unresolved issues with our parents have a sneaky way of invading especially our close relationships.

Our Healing Hands

Our hands can be used as beautiful instruments of healing and we do not necessarily need to be specially trained. All we need is love in our hearts and a belief that healing is possible.

When our daughter Rami was five years old I was teaching her about the healing energy that can come through our hands. We practiced on teddy bears and dolls. When she was five and a half years old her sister was born and my mother came to help me. Grandma got sick with bronchitis and fever. This went on for over a week, and antibiotics did not seem to be helping. One day, while she was sleeping, Rami slipped quietly into her room. She placed her small hands on Grandma’s chest and concentrated on sending healing energy to her. My mother woke up and said it felt as if an angel were touching and healing her. Several hours later her fever broke for the first time, and by the next day she was beginning to feel better. Was it a coincidence that she started to get better right away after Rami’s “healing session?” Perhaps it was, but we like to feel that Rami’s innocent gesture of pouring her love and energy through her hands to Grandma opened a door of healing.

Nice...Or Really Loving?

At a recent workshop, a participant I will call Warner asked for more and more attention from Joyce and me. We’d spend time helping him, and pretty soon he’d be asking for more help without his ever acknowledging our efforts. He wasn’t content with only asking during the workshop sessions. He would find us even during breaks and insist that we spend private time with him. He was irritating us both, yet we kept trying to be compassionate. 

A Blue Ribbon for Love

We have a delightful family hobby of raising golden retriever puppies once a year. We’ve owned and loved goldens for 35 years and are dedicated to bringing only the highest quality dogs into the world. The entire family comes together for this project, and we have so much fun with the puppies, raising them with as much love as we can. As part of this hobby, we march in our town’s parade each July 4. We invite as many of our former puppies and their owners as possible to come and march with us. This is definitely a small town parade, with children on bikes, antique cars, local bands, dancing troupes, and seven or eight dog groups. Although blue ribbons are given for the best entries, we are totally unattached to winning. 

Do You Feel Responsible For Other People's Happiness

One July, Joyce and I were sitting on a sandy beach of the Klamath River with a group of participants during the first morning meditation of our annual white water adventure. Joyce asked each of us to reflect on what we most wanted from the 5-day trip. Even though we are the leaders/facilitators, it is still important to both of us to fully and vulnerably participate. When it was my turn to share, I told the group how it gives me great joy to share the river with others, to witness each person as they open their heart and quiet their mind amidst the surrounding beauty, and find their own joy in this amazing natural playground. Then I humbled myself and revealed the other side of this process, the part of me that gets caught in feeling responsible for other people’s happiness. I admitted to an unconscious attitude that it’s especially up to me for people to enjoy themselves. Charley Thweatt, at our summer renewal retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, sometimes sings the following line when the children are present, “Who decides if I have a good time?” Then everyone loudly sings, “I do, I do.” In my heart I understand this quite well, but there remains an unconscious part of my soul that still occasionally sings, “Who decides if you have a good time? I do, I do!”

Receiving Love From Our Parents

As my precious mother was in the last months or years of her life, I found myself reflecting on our relationship together. I find great comfort in knowing that I have truly given to her from my heart. I also feel comfort in knowing that I have received the love that she has for me. As I look into her almost 90 year old wrinkled face, I can feel the connection that runs into the depths of my soul. I love my mother totally and completely, but this love has not been a condition of her being a perfect mother. My mother has made mistakes, some of which have hurt me very much. And I am sure that I have made mistakes that have hurt her, but we have a non-spoken agreement that we will just keep on loving one another, despite our imperfections.

Why Do We Settle In Our Relationships?

Phillip was forty-five years old and dating a wonderful woman, Beatrice, who adored him. Yet he was unhappy. He blamed himself for lacking enough gratitude for his relationship with Beatrice. He blamed himself for not feeling sexually attracted to her, even though he considered her beautiful. He blamed himself for the almost continuous and nagging feeling that they were not right for each other, even though they got along well and felt comfortable with each other. He revealed perhaps most of all when he said, “I’m afraid this will be my last chance at relationship, that there will be no one else for me.” 

Swallowing Divine Guidance

Each day our heart gives us pure and simple guidance to live our lives in fulfillment and peace. It is our human nature to either ignore this guidance altogether, listen to it and then decide that our mind knows better, or else take the risk to listen and follow it. It is such a mystery as to why we choose to ignore this flow of wisdom within us, and yet we all do. Perhaps if we truly knew that this wisdom comes from a very loving place and is meant to bless our lives we would listen more often and carefully. This truth was brought home to me a few days ago.

Free Hugs

Early one December, some friends emailed Joyce and me a link to a video clip called “Free Hugs.” It begins with a young man standing on a busy sidewalk in Sydney, Australia, holding a sign reading, “free hugs.” People are awkwardly walking past him, some averting their eyes, some looking obviously embarrassed, some declining with forced smiles. Finally an elderly women walks up to him for a hug. He towers above her so he drops to his knees for the embrace. He says something to her and she tenderly places a hand on his face. A momentum of love seems to be building. More and more people stop for hugs, some staying with the man to help give out hugs.

Sitting there at my computer with tears in my eyes, I felt a powerful desire to do the same thing as this young man. I admired his courage to stand there with his sign, continually pushing past his fears of rejection.

The Greatest Adventure of All

The following is an excerpt from our newest book, “A Mother’s Final Gift: How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family.”

Three weeks before she passed from this world, my ninety-year-old mother, Louise Viola Swanson Wollenberg, began what she called her “greatest adventure of all.” It all started thirty-three years ago. 

Creating a More Functional Family

Every once in a while something will happen in a family that will have a lasting and profound effect. For our family of five this happened on the road from Minneapolis to Duluth, Minnesota. My brother’s youngest son got married two days after Thanksgiving. Barry and I and our three children, Rami age 30, Mira age 25 and John-Nuri age 17, traveled to Minneapolis to attend the wedding and also Thanksgiving at my brother’s house.

The day after Thanksgiving, we traveled by car to Duluth where the wedding would take place. This is a three hour trip, and I wondered how we would occupy our time. The five of us get together often for dinner, but it usually also involves some of their friends, my mom, pets and the whole activity of making dinner. This situation would be different. We would be sitting together in a rental car for three hours. In anticipation of this drive I had gone to the library and looked for books on CD, something we used to enjoy as a family when the children were younger. Mira and John-Nuri brought along their music. I don’t like their music and they don’t like mine. Rami and Barry can go either way. Music was vetoed, along with the books on CD.

Overcoming Sexual Obstacles

Before you give in to hopelessness or despair over the problems in your sexual relationship, consider Donna and Ron Sturm’s inspiring story. And yes, these are their real names. They have given Joyce and me permission to tell their story, and we have, at many of our couple’s events.

Ron was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The ensuing surgery, as often happens, caused damage to the nerves responsible for penile erection. Additionally, female hormone therapy for the cancer wiped out his desire for sex. They went from an active sex life to zero sex life very quickly.

The Secret of Lasting Happiness

Have you ever asked yourself, “What brings me lasting happiness?” It is a good question. A lot of people answer this in the future tense: When I have a lot of money I will have lasting happiness. Or when I find the perfect partner (or make my partner into the perfect partner) then I will be happy. Perhaps the answer is when they are in better shape, needing to finish their education, become famous, retire from a job they don’t like, when they have children, when their children are grown and out of the house and the list of future objectives goes on and on.

Sponsored by the Dalai Lama Foundation, our son’s class of 14 senior high school students went on a quest to India to find out the answer to the question, “What brings you lasting happiness.” They interviewed a lot of amazing people, including Richard Gere, Abdul Kalam (the President of India), Nirmala Deshpande (who marched with Gandhi and still carries on his work in India), as well as other inspiring people. Each answered very specifically and in very beautiful ways. But it was in the two hour interview with the Dalai Lama, that the question was most profoundly answered. Our son, John-Nuri, wrote the Dalai Lama’s answer to this question, just minutes after leaving the interview.
“My favorite part of our audience with His Holiness was when we asked him what brings him lasting happiness. He paused, thought for a moment and then answered with a smile, “I don’t know.” I thought this was exactly the answer we needed to hear. There is such a simple lesson to be learned from this wisdom. We cannot be given the answer to what brings lasting happiness. In a way, His Holiness was telling us that in the end, we just have to find out the answer for ourselves. In this way, whatever comes along in our life that gives us lasting happiness, we will be in the moment, living it for ourselves.”

Irreconcilable Differences

Is there such a thing as “irreconcilable differences?” How different can two people be and still have an intimately loving relationship? Joyce and I get asked these questions frequently.

It is said that opposites attract. The negative and positive poles of a magnet attract each other. We have found this to be true with relationships. We are attracted to qualities in a mate that bring us balance, strengths we need to develop within ourselves, and weaknesses that allow us to be strong.

The Judging Mind

It is so easy to judge others, to condemn people without really knowing who they are, or without hearing their story.
Do you think of yourself as a nonjudgmental person? Try answering this question. It’s time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates. Who would you choose?

Candidate A associates with crooked politicians and has two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C is a decorated war hero, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

The second most important quality in a relationship

People often ask us, “What is the most important quality in a relationship?” We always answer that the spiritual aspect is the most important, just as for each individual the spiritual aspect, the awareness of a higher power or non-physical consciousness, is the most important to develop. Then people ask, “But what is the second most important quality to develop in a relationship?” Until two weeks ago I have never known the answer to that question. I usually respond that there are many important qualities, like appreciation, gratitude, honoring, understanding, sharing ideas, making the relationship a priority, nurturing the inner child within each one, having a sense of humor, communication towards a healthy sexual relationship, a shared vision and taking responsibility. 


Two weeks ago at a couple’s retreat, a couple showed me that taking responsibility for your own pain rather than blaming it upon your partner, is the second most important quality to develop in a relationship. Without this quality, none of the other qualities can be developed. 

Seven Steps to Living From the Heart

For many years, the title of our general workshops (those that include both individuals and couples) has been “Living from the Heart.” We have kept this title for a reason. We feel it is perhaps one of the most important needs of our time. For many centuries, the world's emphasis has been upon mental accomplishment. Before that, the emphasis was upon physical accomplishment. Both physical and mental advancement have been necessary for survival. But now survival also depends upon the development of the heart, our compassionate nature.

In one of our workshops in Germany , a young man was so earnest during one of the processes that we acknowledged him. His reply to us was just as sincere, “If we as German men don't learn to develop and live from our hearts, we are at risk for another Hitler to come into power.”

In the light of the recent hurricane disaster in our own country, there has been an outpouring of financial help to the victims. Many people have been sending money to the Red Cross. It is just as important to send love and prayers in the silence of our hearts, which can do just as much good for those who are suffering.

Two Steps Behind Anger

Jocelyn was fuming. Seth had promised to come home at 6pm and it was now 7:30pm. He hadn't called her and his cell phone only responded with a message. And it was their fourth anniversary.

Cole was frustrated and angry. He and Amber had planned to meet some new friends at 7pm at a restaurant 20 minutes from their house. It was now 7pm and Amber was not finished dressing.

Lily's mother wanted her to come home for the holidays. On the phone, she was going on and on about how Lily wasn't being a good daughter. Lily exploded and starting yelling at her mother.

Joyce and I sometimes get angry at one another. We've never met anyone who is beyond anger.

We once were having dinner with a couple. The man was a conflict resolution specialist in the corporate world. The woman was a marriage and family therapist. He admitted to us that he felt like a failure because, despite all their tools, they could still sink down to the level of two belligerent school children having a temper tantrum.

We feel that anger is part of being a human being. We can learn how to express anger in a healthy way by admitting it rather than name calling. (“I'm feeling angry,” rather than “You #&$@%.”) Most of all, we need to become aware that we are angry in the first place. Many people have difficulty knowing when they're angry. They may know they feel frustrated, irritated, annoyed, disappointed, upset, or even sad, but are hesitant to admit to feeling anger. Most people feel ashamed of their anger. I used to feel so much shame about my anger that I had no idea when I was feeling anger. Joyce would have to point it out to me, and still I would deny it. Now I'm aware of my anger. Sometimes I even express it in healthy ways.

The real purpose of this article, however, is prevention, learning what is behind our anger, which holds the possibility of actually preventing anger. By the time you are angry, you are at step three of a three part process. I'll call it the “anger evolution process.” Your happiness and peace depends upon your working your way back to step one.

Challenge number one is actually step three: becoming fully aware of when you feel angry. No denial (“Who me angry?”). No projection (“You're a jerk!”). The first challenge is actually confronting your shame about feeling anger. It's a way to admit that you are a human being. And once again, it can be healthy to express your anger, especially to your loved ones, in non-hurtful ways by using “I” rather than “you” statements.

Challenge number two is step two in our anger evolution process: feeling what actually triggered the anger. Most of the time, it is feeling hurt. Jocelyn felt hurt by Seth's being late on the eve of their anniversary. Most of the times you have felt angry, a loved one has said or done something, usually inadvertently, that has hurt you. There are other triggers for anger, like disappointment or fear. The mother who sees her son getting too close to the edge of a cliff may be afraid but express her fear as anger.

The real challenge here is how quickly, and I'm talking split seconds, we can move from hurt or fear to anger. Many people remain unaware of the hurt or fear behind their anger. It takes a commitment to self awareness to really pay attention to these deeper feelings. Joyce is better at this than I am. When I say or do something that hurts her, she will often express the hurt by saying, “Barry, I feel hurt by what you just said.” Do you see the difference between that statement and “Barry, you're being insensitive,” which is a judgment.

Perhaps most important of all, challenge number three, which is the first step in the anger evolution process, is our very attachment to our loved ones. It has to do with one of the most basic human emotional needs: our need for love. In all the years of working with individuals, couples and families, we have seen the most resistance to admitting our need for love. As spiritual beings, as souls, we are complete and don't need one another's love because we are that love. The highest truth of our being is that there is no “other” to need or be attached to. Yet we can't ignore our human natures, our adventure in the world of duality, of subject and object, where I, as a man, feel attached to Joyce, as a woman, and Joyce, as a human being, needs me, as a human being in which she has invested her whole heart. It is when I forget how much I need Joyce's love that I can be less than sensitive to her. It is because of my attachment to her that I get hurt most easily by her. Is my need and attachment to Joyce a bad thing, something I should get rid of? Of course not. I am learning to accept my need and attachment as part of my humanity. I am learning to celebrate my need and attachment as part of my dance here on earth, a spiritual being having a human experience and a human being having a spiritual experience.

If you accept your own need and attachment for those you love (step one), you will be more tuned into your hurt or fear by their insensitivity or carelessness toward you (step two), and will be more able to express your anger in healthy ways (step three). Accept this challenge and you will find a deeper peace. 

Working from the Heart

Is it possible to stay rooted in your heart – to be open, vulnerable and loving – at work as well as at home?

More and more people are asking Joyce and me to help them stay in their hearts in the workplace – in business, in their jobs or careers. They come to one of our “Living from the Heart” workshops, where they learn the ingredients of an open-hearted life (see the article “Seven Steps to Living from the Heart ” on our website: ).

They learn to more deeply accept their feelings (including the difficult ones), to appreciate others and be appreciated in return, to discover and express gratitude, to take responsibility rather than blaming others and falling into the role of a victim, to accept themselves just as they are, to uncover and then give their gifts, and to develop their spirituality (to expand beyond their self-imposed limitations).

Then, often the next day, they go to work and forget all these wonderful tools and lessons, which apply just as much in the workplace as they do at home.

But one man, Raff, the owner of a painting company, decided to radically change his company’s relationship environment. His vision included all his employees relating from the heart as well as the head, and he saw this being good for business as well as morale. First, he brought his key employees to one of our weekend workshops, which in itself might have been enough to shift their consciousness at work. But he didn’t stop there. He set up monthly conference calls with me where he sat with his employees around a big table with a speakerphone in the center, and I worked with them to more deeply understand their relationship dynamics and what each one brought to the mix – not just with the mind, but with their feelings as well. Yes, there would be plenty of tears during those calls, and also vulnerable sharing of fears and hopes, pain and joy, grief and gratitude.

A definite shift occurred over the months. The value of loving relationship gradually permeated the whole company. Rather than a crude or hurtful comment being glossed over, employees started to share more honestly, even vulnerably, how they felt. Communication, true, took a little longer, but it paid off in the long run. The team was happier, and the clients felt it and responded. Business grew.

But, you object, Raff’s painting company is small and intimate, where it’s easier to “work from the heart.” What about the corporate world?

Then there’s Virginia, a forty-five year old assistant manager in a very large company. She had come to several of our workshops and became painfully aware of the discrepancy between her personal and work lives. She decided to launch her experiment to “work from the heart.” Her main focus was appreciation. Every day, she looked for and found different ways to appreciate her co-workers, everyone from the janitorial staff to the highest executives. She made it a point to feel each appreciation first before speaking it, to make sure it was heartfelt and not frivolous or even excessive. Each day, going to work became an exciting opportunity and challenge to be in her heart.

The result? Work was fun. She felt better. She developed deeper relationships at work. Her experiment was an overwhelming success. But there was an unexpected bonus – Virginia was promoted to manager and given a significant salary raise only four months after starting her experiment!

Would you like to transform your work experience? Bring more consciousness and joy to your job? Here’s how.

1. Start with heartfelt appreciation, just as Virginia did.
2. Feel your gratitude. What are you grateful for – big and little things? Size does not matter. Gratitude, just like appreciation, opens your heart.
3. Take responsibility for your life. Are there ways you are feeling like a victim? Powerless or helpless? Maybe there are circumstances you can’t change right now, but no one else is in charge of your life.
4. Realize that you have a unique gift to give, in your work and in your life. No one else has what you have, and everyone else has their own unique gift to give. And this gift is deeper than your talents or skills, or anything you do. It’s more about who you are than what you do. Even if nobody else notices or acknowledges these gifts, it is most important for you to know this truth.
5. Finally, awaken spiritually, which is finding your place in the big picture of life, discovering your purpose here on earth, and expanding your view of who you are. Joyce and I have worked with many people who have had difficult bosses or managers, and have not been able to resolve these difficulties through the usual channels of communication. Although, in a few cases, there needed to be a transfer or resignation, every other case was transformed by inner, spiritual work: seeing your boss in pain rather than mean (even as a small child needing love, but lashing out instead), feeling silent gratitude for any good qualities your boss possesses (and everyone has some good qualities), holding your boss in light or sending him or her love with as much feeling as you can.

Experiment with working from the heart. We are convinced it will not only bring you more happiness and peace in your workplace, but will enrich every part of your life as well.

Living Your Purpose

Barry and I and our three grown children had been intensively caring for my elderly ninety year old mother. The Santa Cruz Hospice had been actively involved for the last three months of her life. Daily caring for a loved one until she took her last breath was the first experience for all five of us. In the last two weeks of her life she was more in the spirit world than this world, and was often able to communicate to us all what she was experiencing. The last two weeks of her life, and all that she communicated to us, were her final gift to us.

The Hospice people were so kind, caring and enormously helpful to us. They grew to love my mother very much. Often, as a nurse or home health aid would leave, they would comment on how peaceful my mom was. They then went on to say that not many people die with such a deep acceptance and peacefulness as she was experiencing. On more than one occasion we would hear, “You are so lucky in the open, gentle way your mother is dying.” Right before my mother took her last breath, she smiled a huge smile.

I have contemplated on my mother’s peaceful acceptance of death. For the last year and a half she lost all independence and could not even walk without our help. In the last months she could not do anything for herself and we needed to help her in ways that must have been embarrassing to her. She was also in pain. And throughout all of this, she remained for the most part peaceful and thankful for her life. I have concluded that my mother died in such grace because she knew that she had fulfilled her mission in life. She had accomplished what she set out to do. She had lived her purpose.

The day after she died I found a journal in which she had written the following 30 years ago:
“My heart has reminded me that there is one eternal truth -- which is love. Know that each person is a child of God and deserves love. My special mission on earth is to love all people and to serve wherever needed. I dedicate myself to this mission.”

My mother was a simple woman, with only a high school education. She made very little money, and acquired few possessions. And yet she was so at peace, because she lived her mission completely. She gave love to all people, and each opportunity in life was a chance to make a new friend, whether they had prestige or were homeless. She loved all even in the last weeks of her life.
In our strivings as human beings, are we forgetting what is most important? Is acquiring money, possessions, power or prestige more important than fulfilling our spiritual mission on earth? When it is our turn to leave this world, will we be able to close our eyes and have the complete peace and acceptance that comes from truly having lived our purpose here on earth?

Barry and I are dedicating more and more time to helping people become clear as to their purpose and destiny upon this earth. We are finding that when people understand their purpose here, and live that destiny, there is more peace and fulfillment in life, their relationships improve as well as their health and joy.

My mother knew that she had successfully completed her mission. There was not one person she met that didn’t receive her love. One of the last things she said to us was, “I am so happy with my life. I am now so happy with my dying process. It is just the way I wanted it.”

Two hours after my mother took her last breath, a Hospice nurse came to her bedside. As it was a Sunday, this nurse was on call and had never met my mother. She walked in and stood for a long moment looking into my mother’s face, still warm and soft. She said, “This is what we love to see. Your mother obviously lived her life to the fullest. She completed what she came here to do.” I asked her how she knew that and she said, “I have been doing this for so many years, I can tell by the lines on the face. Your mother was able to give her gifts and completed her life in complete peace.”

When it is our turn to close our eyes for the last time and breathe our last breath, it is not going to matter how much money we leave behind, how many hours we worked in the office, the make of our car, if we ever got the perfect job, or all the other qualities that the world says are important. Our true peace will come from knowing that we loved, served, remembered our source, and gave the gift we came here to give.

Couples and Money

Quentin and Shana were once again arguing about money. Shana had just bought a new dress, and Quentin’s comment, “Didn’t you just buy a new dress last week?,” was not what she was hoping for. Her response, “Why are you always so uptight about money?,” hurt him. Now, both were angry.

Quentin’s next remark didn’t help, “You just don’t care enough about our money situation.” Shana’s counter, “And you don’t care enough about enjoying life. It’s all about work and save and worry about money.”

It was time for Joyce and I to intervene. We asked, “What are you each needing right now?”

Shana spoke immediately, and still angrily, “I need Quentin to relax about money, and stop criticizing my every purchase.” Quentin followed, “I need Shana to be more responsible with money.”

We needed to be a little more directive to get to what was underneath. We asked Quentin first, “Does any of this remind you of your childhood?”

He paused, thoughtfully, then spoke, “We had very little money growing up. It was drilled into us kids to be frugal, to spend money only if absolutely necessary.”

“What about new clothes?,” we asked.

“Nope. Only hand-me-downs or the used clothing stores. We got nothing new, ever.”

There were tears starting to form in his eyes, which was not lost on Shana, who visibly softened her attack stance.

And your childhood, Shana?

“Actually, very similar,” she started. “My family also had very little money. I constantly saw my parents’ fear about not having enough. It was so painful for me. I guess I reacted differently. I swore I’d never let a lack of money get in the way of my enjoying life. If anything, Quentin’s probably right about my occasional lack of responsibility.”

Shana and Quentin had been focusing too much on the negative, without adequately appreciating the positive. We coached Quentin to acknowledge all the ways Shana was responsible with money, of which there turned out to be many. This was what Shana needed most from him. We then coached Shana to acknowledge all the ways Quentin was generous with money. She found quite a few. Both felt so much more love as a result.
Money is such a controversial topic in most relationships. Can you find a way to acknowledge your partner regarding their relationship to money? If you really look, you’ll find something truly positive to appreciate.

Each partner in a relationship brings a special strength to money matters. With the advent of the personal computer in the 80’s, I soon became proficient with handling our family’s finances. Joyce had no interest in learning Quicken, so I naturally took over paying the bills. But we made a mistake in this decision. I was trying to handle our financial situation all by myself, and Joyce was letting me do this. We weren’t doing well financially. I was needing Joyce’s input, and Joyce was needing to be more involved. I was clearly better at the day-to-day managing, but Joyce was amazingly helpful with the overall vision and financial planning. When we worked together, combining our strengths, we naturally did much better financially.

Overspending is a huge problem nowadays, especially credit card debt. It is so important to communicate with your partner before making big purchases, and to really listen to one another’s feelings.

We’re seeing more and more that money by itself is not the problem. It’s the way people relate to it and use it. Money is simply a form of energy, just like love. There may be a shortage of certain forms of fuel on this planet, but there is no shortage of energy, nor is there a shortage of love. There is plenty for everyone. So is there enough money. Joyce and I have found that the feeling of spiritual abundance allows us to feel abundant in all ways. When we welcome love into our lives, when we acknowledge our worthiness to feel happy, we are at peace and content with what we have. When we find ourselves worrying about money, we look deeper and see how we have also closed the door to love, and the spiritual abundance which we deserve. People want to separate love and money, but they are too deeply connected. People have also wanted to separate matter and energy, but physicists have proved their connection as well.

If you are a part of a couple, acknowledge each of your strengths and the special gifts you bring to your financial well-being. But also remember to trust in the abundance of the universe.

Healing Within The Family

In every family there is some degree of dysfunction. I know that we have ours. Even the families that look like they could win the “Family of the Year Award” have their issues. In our travels doing workshops in the United States as well as Europe we hear many people tell stories about the problems with their families. This element of dysfunction is part of what makes the family unit such a rich ground for personal growth. Some people hide from their families, moving very far away and never visiting. These people are missing out on an amazing growth possibility.

Recently we had an experience with a couple who brought conscious growth into their large family of relatives. This couple wanted Barry and I to marry them, but rather than having us travel to their city only for the wedding, they decided to have us do a workshop the weekend of their wedding and they would invite all of their siblings, relatives and closest friends. (There were no remaining parents that were alive.) Then two hours after the workshop was over they would get married.

When Barry first told me of their plan I thought they must be joking. Invite all your relatives to a workshop right before you get married? I had never heard of such an idea. They wanted to bring conscious growth to their family, and figured a wedding was a perfect time since everyone would be there. The plan unfolded and the relatives came, many having never attended a workshop before. There were sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, brother-in-laws, two aunts in their eighties, and a flock of close friends.

Very quickly the workshop went deep with emotional honesty and vulnerability. The bride’s sister broke into tears and asked to be forgiven for dropping the “bride” when she was a baby and the sister was a little girl. She had always felt a lot of guilt. The two sisters lovingly held each other and there was forgiveness. We had the participants get in touch with what they most needed to hear as a child. One woman in her early twenties, a niece of the bride, shared how much she had missed her father because he was so busy. Her father, sitting in a different part of the room walked over and held her. He told her that he didn’t realize how his busyness had hurt her. He vowed to try and make it up to her by being more present, understanding and loving. The two cried in each others arms, as the rest of us felt the healing taking place between them. The two aunts in their eighties were amazing. They didn’t even know what a workshop was, and yet they jumped in with enthusiasm and shared some very vulnerable things, which brought more tears and closeness within the family.

At the end of Saturday the group was feeling very close and connected. To end our time for that day, we had the bride and groom sit in front of all of us and share their greatest challenge, and how we could support them. This was very beautiful as they shared vulnerably how they wanted to remember to take time away from their busy lives to really be together. As a group of family members and close friends vowed to help them remember to spend quality time together, the couple felt overwhelmed by so much support and love directed at them.

Sunday, the last day of the workshop arrived bright and sunny. This was the wedding day! On Saturday, people in the group had worked through pain, guilt, shame, sadness and unworthiness, to uncover the beautiful person within each one. The mood Sunday was loving and happy. To prepare ourselves for the wedding we focused on our spiritual nature and the knowledge of how loved and cherished we are. The workshop ended with all of us appreciating the bride and groom for almost an hour. This was very touching, as sisters tearfully shared appreciations, nieces cried in appreciation for all the bride has meant to them, the older aunts appreciating the groom and warning him to be good to the bride. There was so much joy and lightness in the room of almost 50 people.

We quickly changed our clothes, and the wedding began. We have been the ministers for quite a few weddings, but never has there been a wedding with so many happy and prepared people. All the work they had done during the workshop allowed for so much joy.

So perhaps you are saying, well that is well and good, but we aren’t expecting any weddings in the family in the near future. You can still work on family issues and make your interactions more real and meaningful. Several years ago my brother’s four grown children all visited from various parts of the United States to help us celebrate my mother’s 88th birthday. My brother’s children are all very funny, and there was much laughter as they told jokes, and did their imitations. The last night of their time with us we announced that we would be doing something different than all the jokes and funny stories. We told them that we would be appreciating each other. One person would take a turn, and the others would all appreciate that person. The groans from them and our three children were audible, when my mother sweetly said, “Oh I love that idea, let’s do it.” And so we began. Our children are used to this kind of “torture,” but my brother’s children had never done this before. Because my mom wanted this, everyone participated fully. Soon there were tears, as my brother’s children started appreciating each other for perhaps the very first time. There were comments such as, “Oh I didn’t know you felt that way. It makes me so happy to hear you say that. Thank you for caring so much, I guess I just didn’t know.” My mother loved it all, and even though they might not admit it, I believe all of her grandchildren loved it as well. A sweet healing took place, as appreciation and honesty held court for a wonderful hour.

It takes courage to bring more honesty and vulnerability into a family, but the efforts are well worth it. Bringing healing and deeper love into the family structure will bless your life a thousand fold. Be creative and begin.

Including Dying with Death

This article is an excerpt from our soon-to-be-released book, A Mother’s Final Gift: How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family (available mid April).

Until I attended medical school, death was something I heard about, rather than witnessed. I remember playing in our back yard as a child when my mother came outside to tell me my grandma had just died. Although I loved my grandma, I didn’t see her very often, and hadn’t seen her sick with cancer. So it was just news. Bad news, but still news. It wasn’t up close and personal.

In medical school, death and dying were clinical phenomena, to be studied in a detached intellectual way. The human cadaver my small group of first-year students and I dissected was only a real person in rare moments of reflection. The rest of the time it was organs, muscles and bones. Even the patients who died during my clinical rotations through the hospitals were often stripped of their humanity in our feverish attempts to prolong their lives.

Friends have died along the way, some closer to me than others, some very young. I was never present in the extremely intimate day-to-day dying process.

Then there was my own dad. One moment he was hugging my mom before she went out to do some errands. The next moment he sagged against her, falling over on top of her. By the time the first emergency team came to their house, ten minutes had elapsed and, although they restored his breathing and heartbeat, his brain had suffered irreversible damage.

I caught the first flight I could and arrived in San Diego that evening. My mom and I visited Dad in the hospital. He was connected to a breathing machine, and his heart was beating regularly with the use of drugs, but it felt to me like my dad was not there. His body lay in the hospital bed, blood and oxygen keeping it alive, but something vital and essential was
gone.

The next morning we arrived at the hospital and signed the forms to “unplug” his body, removing all machines and drugs. For the next hour, my mom and I watched his body gradually shut down as his breaths came with longer and longer intervals in between. My mom was stroking his head while
she cried. I encouraged her to say good-bye, which she did. As he took his final breaths, I sang a song to him.

I distinctly remember I had no tears – until I called Joyce, minutes after his body was still. Then it felt like the floodgates opened, and the tears finally flowed.

Still, something was missing. It was death without dying. I missed the opportunity to say good-bye while my dad was still alive, to sit with him and integrate all the feelings of the dying process and, perhaps most of all, to listen to and feel his experience of dying.

Of course, over the years since his death I’ve had many conversations with my dad. I’ve said good-bye to him. I’ve expressed unfinished feelings and difficult realizations. And most importantly, I’ve expressed my love, which has given me the most peace. Still, it seems there will always be something missing around my dad’s death.

All this changed with the dying of Joyce’s mother, Louise. Having Joyce’s mom next door, seeing her every day, expressing my love to her, receiving her love, listening to her experiences, talking about death, all these things have changed my life for the better.

Louise gave me the gift of including dying with death. Death was no longer just news I received in the back yard of my childhood. It was a complex, dynamic, painful and joyful process, a life-changing experience. Death was part of living, not the end of living.

Dying is not neat; it’s messy. I thought I would dread changing diapers on an old woman, or taking care of bedsores. Instead, it was something that needed to be done, and in fact could be done with tenderness and patience. Even the feelings are messy. I remember one day helping to move her body to relieve pressure on one of her bed sores. Louise screamed out in pain and
anger, “You’re torturing me.” I found a capacity for patience that the closeness to death seemed to bestow upon me. I calmly said, “No, Louise, it just feels that way. Your bed sores will get worse if we don’t move you.”

Dying is not a clinical experience; it’s extremely personal. I finally had the opportunity to turn off my “doctor mind,” to stop trying to find solutions to her medical problems, to stop trying to figure out ways to prolong her life. Sometimes I wouldn’t know how busy my mind was until I walked into Louise’s apartment. It was like walking into a place where time simply didn’t exist. The tranquility around her provided a stark contrast to my own lack of peace. It forced me to focus on my breathing, to calm myself down, so I could match her energy and connect heart to heart.

What an opportunity to silently look into Louise’s eyes without any hesitation or embarrassment, to see her great serenity reflected in those luminous pools of light. Her eyes were truly the windows of her soul, and her soul was nearly always content with her current journey – except, of course, when she was in pain.

It was nearly impossible to gaze into those clear, shining eyes and not see the reflection of my own death, however far into the future. When I was really present with Louise, her dying was my dying as well. When I was at peace looking into her eyes, exchanging words of love, I was at peace with my own dying.

Louise knew with clear certainty that death was not the end of life. She knew death as the beginning, as well as part of, an even greater adventure and journey. Her calm certainty allowed those of us around her to touch our own knowing of life beyond the confines of the body. The times she spoke with her beloved husband, Hank, and other friends and family who had passed on, the things she shared with us about the world on the other side of the veil of death, were too inspiring not to be believed.

I suppose it would be possible to hang on to the belief that there is no life after death. But after sitting day after day with Louise, watching her body gradually shut down while watching something deeper and more essential actually getting stronger and more alive, witnessing a birth during the process of a death, how could anyone doubt the immensity and continuity of this journey? It feels to me the only way I could doubt life after death would have been to keep myself from looking into Louise’s eyes, or listening to her wisdom and experience, or feeling the growing love in the room. I could only doubt the ongoing journey of her soul by refusing to see the birth happening in front of my own eyes.


Being with Louise’s dying has allowed me to be with my living. Being with Louise’s heart, her love and aliveness, has allowed me to be with my dying in a new way. When it is my time to die, I hope I am surrounded by the same love of family and friends, supporting me and helping me to launch into my next great adventure. I hope I can bring through wisdom from the next world to prepare the way for those after me. I hope I can inspire my family as much as Louise inspired all of us. I hope I can make my transition with the abundant expectancy I witnessed in Louise.

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Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.

Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly
e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.

Remember, you can register online for our workshops at our online registration page

March 5-6
Redwood Valley Couples Workshop
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $495. $545 after Feb 25. $100 nonrefundable deposit. $200 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.

March 12-13
Seattle, WA
“Living from the Heart” weekend workshop for individuals and couples on South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213. Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm. Cost per person: $250 (if paid in full by Mar 4). $275 after Mar 4. $50 nonrefundable deposit. $100 nonrefundable after Mar 4. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.

March 19-20
Watchung, NJ
“Living from the Heart” weekend workshop for individuals and couples in central New Jersey, between New York City and Pennsylvania. Workshop info and local lodging, call Suzy and Bill Schoonover 908-755-3203. Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm. Cost per person: $250 (if paid in full by Mar 11).
$275 after Mar 11. $50 nonrefundable deposit. $100 nonrefundable after Mar 11. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.

March 27-April 3, 2011
Hawaii “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of
dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option,
includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…

April 13-17
Personal Mentorship Ending Retreat. Aptos, CA ... more info

April 30-May 1
Portland Couples Workshop
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.

May 13-15
Women Living from the Heart Retreat with Joyce at our home-center. Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this
retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.

May 27-30
Rowe, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.

June 3-5
Esalen Institute, Big Sur, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info

June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.

July 10-15
Klamath River, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and
scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.

July 17-22
Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…

October 8-9
Germany
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.

October 14-16
Norway
Friday evening-Sunday. Workshop and training for couples. Contact Renate or Hermod Nordby Hansen hermodnh@online.no".

October 18-24
Assisi, Italy
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt. More info…


With all our love,

Barry and Joyce Vissell

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