Couples and Money

Quentin and Shana were once again arguing about money. Shana had just bought a new dress, and Quentin’s comment, “Didn’t you just buy a new dress last week?,” was not what she was hoping for. Her response, “Why are you always so uptight about money?,” hurt him. Now, both were angry.

Quentin’s next remark didn’t help, “You just don’t care enough about our money situation.” Shana’s counter, “And you don’t care enough about enjoying life. It’s all about work and save and worry about money.”

It was time for Joyce and I to intervene. We asked, “What are you each needing right now?”

Shana spoke immediately, and still angrily, “I need Quentin to relax about money, and stop criticizing my every purchase.” Quentin followed, “I need Shana to be more responsible with money.”

We needed to be a little more directive to get to what was underneath. We asked Quentin first, “Does any of this remind you of your childhood?”

He paused, thoughtfully, then spoke, “We had very little money growing up. It was drilled into us kids to be frugal, to spend money only if absolutely necessary.”

“What about new clothes?,” we asked.

“Nope. Only hand-me-downs or the used clothing stores. We got nothing new, ever.”

There were tears starting to form in his eyes, which was not lost on Shana, who visibly softened her attack stance.

And your childhood, Shana?

“Actually, very similar,” she started. “My family also had very little money. I constantly saw my parents’ fear about not having enough. It was so painful for me. I guess I reacted differently. I swore I’d never let a lack of money get in the way of my enjoying life. If anything, Quentin’s probably right about my occasional lack of responsibility.”

Shana and Quentin had been focusing too much on the negative, without adequately appreciating the positive. We coached Quentin to acknowledge all the ways Shana was responsible with money, of which there turned out to be many. This was what Shana needed most from him. We then coached Shana to acknowledge all the ways Quentin was generous with money. She found quite a few. Both felt so much more love as a result.
Money is such a controversial topic in most relationships. Can you find a way to acknowledge your partner regarding their relationship to money? If you really look, you’ll find something truly positive to appreciate.

Each partner in a relationship brings a special strength to money matters. With the advent of the personal computer in the 80’s, I soon became proficient with handling our family’s finances. Joyce had no interest in learning Quicken, so I naturally took over paying the bills. But we made a mistake in this decision. I was trying to handle our financial situation all by myself, and Joyce was letting me do this. We weren’t doing well financially. I was needing Joyce’s input, and Joyce was needing to be more involved. I was clearly better at the day-to-day managing, but Joyce was amazingly helpful with the overall vision and financial planning. When we worked together, combining our strengths, we naturally did much better financially.

Overspending is a huge problem nowadays, especially credit card debt. It is so important to communicate with your partner before making big purchases, and to really listen to one another’s feelings.

We’re seeing more and more that money by itself is not the problem. It’s the way people relate to it and use it. Money is simply a form of energy, just like love. There may be a shortage of certain forms of fuel on this planet, but there is no shortage of energy, nor is there a shortage of love. There is plenty for everyone. So is there enough money. Joyce and I have found that the feeling of spiritual abundance allows us to feel abundant in all ways. When we welcome love into our lives, when we acknowledge our worthiness to feel happy, we are at peace and content with what we have. When we find ourselves worrying about money, we look deeper and see how we have also closed the door to love, and the spiritual abundance which we deserve. People want to separate love and money, but they are too deeply connected. People have also wanted to separate matter and energy, but physicists have proved their connection as well.

If you are a part of a couple, acknowledge each of your strengths and the special gifts you bring to your financial well-being. But also remember to trust in the abundance of the universe.