Toxic Secrets

Are all secrets unhealthy for relationships? Can there be healthy secrets?

You bought a special present for your partner’s birthday, and you want it to be a surprise.

Healthy secret.

Your boss is trying to get you fired and it’s causing so much tension that you are not much fun to be around, but you don’t want to burden your partner with this information.

Unhealthy secret.

You take the garbage out even though it’s your partner’s job, and you don’t tell your partner.

Healthy secret.

Your partner has a lump and is scheduled for a biopsy, and you’re terrified but you’re trying to act as if nothing is wrong.

Unhealthy secret.

Rule of thumb: healthy secrets bring you closer to your loved ones, unhealthy secrets create barriers. Healthy secrets are surprises that bring more love to both you and your loved ones. Unhealthy secrets hide a part of your heart, disguise your vulnerability which denies a gift to your loved one, or prevents your loved one from supporting you. Healthy secrets build relationships, unhealthy secrets destroy relationships.

Here’s a powerful example:

“I hate Christmas! I just want to get it over with.” Ty blurted out these words early in their couple’s session. Abby, who loved Christmas, felt pushed away each year as the holidays approached. Ty was convinced his aversion had to do with a Christmas long ago when he was twenty years old, in combat in the Vietnam War. Abby added that she has heard only the barest details about Vietnam, but knew how deeply her husband was still suffering with post-traumatic stress disorder. It was obvious to us that Ty needed to tell his story, to talk about difficult experiences he had never shared with anyone, so we asked him what happened in Vietnam.


A panicked look came across Ty’s face. He said he couldn’t share his experiences. He felt they would bring up too much pain, and he wouldn’t be able to get out of it. He was also afraid the horrible images would damage his wife as much as they had damaged him.

Joyce and I told Ty that these unshared experiences were toxic secrets locked inside of him, fueling his anger and volatility, poisoning his life. Additionally, a piece of his life, and his heart, was being withheld from his wife of twenty years, who could be an enormous support to him. We told him it was time to release this burden.


With Abby’s arm around him, and Joyce and me holding his hands, Ty told his stories for the first time since the war. He told about the horror of that Christmas so many years ago. He told about his buddies blown apart by bombs, of expecting death on Christmas eve when his company was under full-scale attack. And finally, with tears in his eyes, he recounted the most difficult story. His armored truck came upon a young woman, malnourished and covered with skin lesions. Ty radioed for medical help. “Help” showed up in the form of two captains, one American and one South Vietnamese. They told Ty to leave them alone with the woman. Even though he had a bad feeling, he reluctantly turned and walked away. Seconds later, he heard a pistol being cocked and he immediately returned, sensing what was about to happen. Even though he was only a soldier and he was facing two superior officers, he still found his voice and objected to what they were about to do. Both officers now commanded him to leave. Still reluctant but feeling defeated and powerless, he started to walk back to his truck. He turned to look back and saw the Vietnamese officer put his gun to the woman’s head and pull the trigger. Involuntarily, he fell to his knees in fear, fully expecting to be shot next. He was holding a machine gun and, for just a moment, he felt the impulse to shoot both these officers. Luckily, his conscience prevailed.


Ty’s fear turned into anger when he knew he wouldn’t be killed. He had just witnessed the murder of a civilian in need of help, a precious human being disposed of like a bug. And there was nothing he could do about this crime. He tried to report it, but everyone told him to just forget about it. He felt helpless, and the sound of the gunshot and the sight of the young woman’s body crumpling to the earth would live on in his memory forever. He felt responsible for her death, a part of the murder. He found her. He made the call.

Our healing gift to Ty was to inform him of his innocence. As a low-ranking soldier, barely into adulthood, he couldn’t be expected to disobey the orders of not only one, but two superior officers. We directed him to talk to the twenty-year-old still living within him. He spoke tearfully and beautifully to that young soldier part of himself, giving reassurance and forgiveness.


In this counseling session, Joyce and I beheld a true miracle of healing. Ty will no longer need to endure the same level of suffering each Christmas – or any time of the year. He will no longer need to condemn a part of himself, or keep this toxic secret buried in his soul, a secret cache of shame dampening his joy. Plus, Ty can now receive the full loving support of his wife. He has now more fully included her in his life.


If you’re hiding a toxic secret, please understand how much this is keeping you separate from your loved ones. If fear keeps you from sharing this secret, seek professional help. It’s worth anything to free both yourself and your loved ones.