Irreconcilable Differences

Is there such a thing as “irreconcilable differences?” How different can two people be and still have an intimately loving relationship? Joyce and I get asked these questions frequently.

It is said that opposites attract. The negative and positive poles of a magnet attract each other. We have found this to be true with relationships. We are attracted to qualities in a mate that bring us balance, strengths we need to develop within ourselves, and weaknesses that allow us to be strong.

But is that enough to sustain love? We think not. Over the years we have observed that couples must have or create a common link, a unifying quality, something that is deeply shared – or their love will burn out and be destroyed like a moth that is attracted to a flame.


The same people who complain about how different they are from their partner, often assume that Joyce and I are alike. We have to laugh. Our personalities are very different.

Early in our relationship, Joyce walked with a childlike bounce to her stride – in fact she enjoyed expressing her childlikeness in many ways, like giggling with friends. I was trying so hard to fit in, and feeling so much like a misfit, that I was acting “cool,” which came across as serious and more adult. I was actually embarrassed by Joyce’s enthusiasm, and sometimes asked her to walk more like an adult. Funny how people change over the years. Now, sometimes Joyce is embarrassed by my unbridled exuberance.

Then there’s the type of books. If we buy something new, I will immediately read the owner’s manual cover to cover. Joyce won’t even open it. We each like to read before going to sleep. Currently Joyce is reading angel miracle stories and I’m reading about multi-day canoe trips in northern California.

Joyce likes to eat foods one at a time – soup alone, salad alone, main course alone. I like all the different flavors in my mouth at the same time.

I manage our finances with Quicken. Joyce manages our finances through her intuition.

Then there are the big things – the real challenges.
I have had difficulty with Joyce’s sensitivity. I remember one time when I complained about it, and she said to me, “Barry, you could have married a man who is just like you.” Her point was well taken. Now I am deeply grateful for her sensitivity. Perhaps more than anything else, her sensitivity has caused me to develop my own sensitivity.

Our religious difference – me being raised Jewish and Joyce Protestant – nearly destroyed our relationship in our early years. We tried to change one another, but that didn’t work. We tried throwing out religion altogether, but we made the mistake of throwing out our spirituality along with religion, and that was a big mistake. It created a dark emptiness that pushed us apart and eventually caused us to separate.

What really allowed us to reconnect was a deeply soulful search for a spirituality that we could share. We started with Transcendental Meditation, Hatha Yoga, Sufi Dancing, and Ram Dass’ book, Be Here Now, traveled the world in search of spiritual teachers, and studied a wide variety of spiritual paths, including the roots and origins of Judaism and Christianity. We searched for, and found, spiritual similarities that we shared, practices we could do together. Our favorite at the moment is very simple: we touch our foreheads together and take turns speaking a prayer from the heart – an expression of gratitude, asking for ways to be of service on this planet, as well as asking for help with current challenges.

Yes, Joyce and I have our own spirituality, our own practices. My deepest practice is feeling my higher self, the great master within, while Joyce loves to feel her devotion to the divine mother and father. Is one method better than the other? Absolutely not. If it brings inner joy, peace, and respect for all life, it doesn’t matter what the practice.

Yet as a couple, we make it a priority to share sacred moments, whether it is the praying together, sitting side by side meditating in silence, appreciating one another, practicing sacred sexuality, or celebrating the beauty of nature.

Our work, especially with groups, brings us great fulfillment, yet we have had to work through significant differences. Joyce’s family of origin was quiet, with one person speaking while the others listened. My family of origin was noisy, with everybody speaking at the same time, and not much listening being done.

So with groups, when Joyce is speaking, she will pause to more deeply feel the next phrase she wants to say. If the pause is greater than a few seconds, I have taken that as an indication that she is finished, and jump in to fill the silence. Joyce understandably then feels cut off, not respected, and hurt. Then we are no longer together in love, which is very painful to both of us. More than once we came close to ending our work with groups because of this dynamic.

I learned not only to keep my mouth shut until Joyce was really finished, but also to enjoy the pauses in both her and my speaking. And I felt our love and connection deepen whenever I created the space for her to express herself. In fact, when I am truly in my heart, I feel no need to say anything.

So once again, how different can two people be and still have an intimately loving relationship? It really doesn’t matter how different two people are if: one, those differences are respected and two, the similarities are found and celebrated.