This article is an excerpt from our soon-to-be-released book, A Mother’s Final Gift: How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family (available mid April).
Until I attended medical school, death was something I heard about, rather than witnessed. I remember playing in our back yard as a child when my mother came outside to tell me my grandma had just died. Although I loved my grandma, I didn’t see her very often, and hadn’t seen her sick with cancer. So it was just news. Bad news, but still news. It wasn’t up close and personal.
In medical school, death and dying were clinical phenomena, to be studied in a detached intellectual way. The human cadaver my small group of first-year students and I dissected was only a real person in rare moments of reflection. The rest of the time it was organs, muscles and bones. Even the patients who died during my clinical rotations through the hospitals were often stripped of their humanity in our feverish attempts to prolong their lives.
Friends have died along the way, some closer to me than others, some very young. I was never present in the extremely intimate day-to-day dying process.
Then there was my own dad. One moment he was hugging my mom before she went out to do some errands. The next moment he sagged against her, falling over on top of her. By the time the first emergency team came to their house, ten minutes had elapsed and, although they restored his breathing and heartbeat, his brain had suffered irreversible damage.
I caught the first flight I could and arrived in San Diego that evening. My mom and I visited Dad in the hospital. He was connected to a breathing machine, and his heart was beating regularly with the use of drugs, but it felt to me like my dad was not there. His body lay in the hospital bed, blood and oxygen keeping it alive, but something vital and essential was
gone.
The next morning we arrived at the hospital and signed the forms to “unplug” his body, removing all machines and drugs. For the next hour, my mom and I watched his body gradually shut down as his breaths came with longer and longer intervals in between. My mom was stroking his head while
she cried. I encouraged her to say good-bye, which she did. As he took his final breaths, I sang a song to him.
I distinctly remember I had no tears – until I called Joyce, minutes after his body was still. Then it felt like the floodgates opened, and the tears finally flowed.
Still, something was missing. It was death without dying. I missed the opportunity to say good-bye while my dad was still alive, to sit with him and integrate all the feelings of the dying process and, perhaps most of all, to listen to and feel his experience of dying.
Of course, over the years since his death I’ve had many conversations with my dad. I’ve said good-bye to him. I’ve expressed unfinished feelings and difficult realizations. And most importantly, I’ve expressed my love, which has given me the most peace. Still, it seems there will always be something missing around my dad’s death.
All this changed with the dying of Joyce’s mother, Louise. Having Joyce’s mom next door, seeing her every day, expressing my love to her, receiving her love, listening to her experiences, talking about death, all these things have changed my life for the better.
Louise gave me the gift of including dying with death. Death was no longer just news I received in the back yard of my childhood. It was a complex, dynamic, painful and joyful process, a life-changing experience. Death was part of living, not the end of living.
Dying is not neat; it’s messy. I thought I would dread changing diapers on an old woman, or taking care of bedsores. Instead, it was something that needed to be done, and in fact could be done with tenderness and patience. Even the feelings are messy. I remember one day helping to move her body to relieve pressure on one of her bed sores. Louise screamed out in pain and
anger, “You’re torturing me.” I found a capacity for patience that the closeness to death seemed to bestow upon me. I calmly said, “No, Louise, it just feels that way. Your bed sores will get worse if we don’t move you.”
Dying is not a clinical experience; it’s extremely personal. I finally had the opportunity to turn off my “doctor mind,” to stop trying to find solutions to her medical problems, to stop trying to figure out ways to prolong her life. Sometimes I wouldn’t know how busy my mind was until I walked into Louise’s apartment. It was like walking into a place where time simply didn’t exist. The tranquility around her provided a stark contrast to my own lack of peace. It forced me to focus on my breathing, to calm myself down, so I could match her energy and connect heart to heart.
What an opportunity to silently look into Louise’s eyes without any hesitation or embarrassment, to see her great serenity reflected in those luminous pools of light. Her eyes were truly the windows of her soul, and her soul was nearly always content with her current journey – except, of course, when she was in pain.
It was nearly impossible to gaze into those clear, shining eyes and not see the reflection of my own death, however far into the future. When I was really present with Louise, her dying was my dying as well. When I was at peace looking into her eyes, exchanging words of love, I was at peace with my own dying.
Louise knew with clear certainty that death was not the end of life. She knew death as the beginning, as well as part of, an even greater adventure and journey. Her calm certainty allowed those of us around her to touch our own knowing of life beyond the confines of the body. The times she spoke with her beloved husband, Hank, and other friends and family who had passed on, the things she shared with us about the world on the other side of the veil of death, were too inspiring not to be believed.
I suppose it would be possible to hang on to the belief that there is no life after death. But after sitting day after day with Louise, watching her body gradually shut down while watching something deeper and more essential actually getting stronger and more alive, witnessing a birth during the process of a death, how could anyone doubt the immensity and continuity of this journey? It feels to me the only way I could doubt life after death would have been to keep myself from looking into Louise’s eyes, or listening to her wisdom and experience, or feeling the growing love in the room. I could only doubt the ongoing journey of her soul by refusing to see the birth happening in front of my own eyes.
Being with Louise’s dying has allowed me to be with my living. Being with Louise’s heart, her love and aliveness, has allowed me to be with my dying in a new way. When it is my time to die, I hope I am surrounded by the same love of family and friends, supporting me and helping me to launch into my next great adventure. I hope I can bring through wisdom from the next world to prepare the way for those after me. I hope I can inspire my family as much as Louise inspired all of us. I hope I can make my transition with the abundant expectancy I witnessed in Louise.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly
e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
Remember, you can register online for our workshops at our online registration page
March 5-6
Redwood Valley Couples Workshop
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $495. $545 after Feb 25. $100 nonrefundable deposit. $200 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 12-13
Seattle, WA
“Living from the Heart” weekend workshop for individuals and couples on South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213. Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm. Cost per person: $250 (if paid in full by Mar 4). $275 after Mar 4. $50 nonrefundable deposit. $100 nonrefundable after Mar 4. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 19-20
Watchung, NJ
“Living from the Heart” weekend workshop for individuals and couples in central New Jersey, between New York City and Pennsylvania. Workshop info and local lodging, call Suzy and Bill Schoonover 908-755-3203. Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm. Cost per person: $250 (if paid in full by Mar 11).
$275 after Mar 11. $50 nonrefundable deposit. $100 nonrefundable after Mar 11. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 27-April 3, 2011
Hawaii “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of
dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option,
includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
April 13-17
Personal Mentorship Ending Retreat. Aptos, CA ... more info
April 30-May 1
Portland Couples Workshop
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
May 13-15
Women Living from the Heart Retreat with Joyce at our home-center. Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this
retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.
May 27-30
Rowe, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
June 3-5
Esalen Institute, Big Sur, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.
July 10-15
Klamath River, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and
scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.
July 17-22
Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
October 8-9
Germany
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
October 14-16
Norway
Friday evening-Sunday. Workshop and training for couples. Contact Renate or Hermod Nordby Hansen hermodnh@online.no".
October 18-24
Assisi, Italy
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt. More info…
With all our love,
Barry and Joyce Vissell
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