Creating a More Functional Family

Every once in a while something will happen in a family that will have a lasting and profound effect. For our family of five this happened on the road from Minneapolis to Duluth, Minnesota. My brother’s youngest son got married two days after Thanksgiving. Barry and I and our three children, Rami age 30, Mira age 25 and John-Nuri age 17, traveled to Minneapolis to attend the wedding and also Thanksgiving at my brother’s house.

The day after Thanksgiving, we traveled by car to Duluth where the wedding would take place. This is a three hour trip, and I wondered how we would occupy our time. The five of us get together often for dinner, but it usually also involves some of their friends, my mom, pets and the whole activity of making dinner. This situation would be different. We would be sitting together in a rental car for three hours. In anticipation of this drive I had gone to the library and looked for books on CD, something we used to enjoy as a family when the children were younger. Mira and John-Nuri brought along their music. I don’t like their music and they don’t like mine. Rami and Barry can go either way. Music was vetoed, along with the books on CD.



From the back seat, Rami offered, “I’d like to use this time in a constructive way.” As we sped along we pondered this, and thought her idea was good. Then she announced, “I’m taking a big risk here. I’d like all of you to tell me if there is anything I’ve done that has hurt or upset you in any way. I want you to be honest but also sensitive to how vulnerable I may feel.”

There was total silence in the car. We were all thinking the same thing, “If Rami is asking this of us, then we should too. This is really scary. What will they say to me?”

None of us spoke. Finally Rami spoke up again, “You don’t have to do this. I’m just taking a risk by asking.” One by one, however, we agreed and volunteered for our own turn as well. It was settled. We would all do the exercise. There was still an awkward silence in the car. Finally Barry made an attempt and said something to Rami. It didn’t go over very well, and it became clear that we needed a new rule. Before you spoke something that had hurt or upset you, you had to first speak something positive and appreciative.

With this new rule our family took off. The appreciations were longer and more meaningful than ever before, followed by something that had hurt or upset each one of us. Each had to say something to the other. We went from person to person and the time flew by. There were openings, tears, apologizing, laughter and closeness. Barry and I do this sort of thing with each other on a daily basis, but we had never quite done this with our three children since they were adults. I learned so much about myself as a mother and how I can better be a parent to grown children. Once the momentum was established and we all felt safe, the honesty flowed back and forth. Soon we were in Duluth and none of us wanted the trip to end.

That three hour period in the car was a turning point in our family. Now there is more honesty about how we are feeling, and how the other is impacting us. We are taking more risks to speak our difficult feelings with one another. A momentum has been established that has continued. As a result of that three hour drive I notice that when we do get together for dinner, there is more genuine laughter and joy. For the most part we are not sitting on difficult things we wish we had the courage to share. We realize this honesty, combined with vulnerability, compassion and appreciation, is the cornerstone of creating and sustaining a functional family.

I highly recommend this exercise for families. It will bring your family to a new level of closeness. I also recommend this for any group that works together. Barry consults once a month with a group of men that work together in a business. They gather for an hour and a half around a speakerphone with Barry on the other end and share difficult feelings. As a result, their business is thriving and the men are feeling closer and enjoying their work more.

Closeness and connectedness doesn’t just happen. It takes work, time and a risk to make yourself vulnerable. I feel very grateful to Rami for having the courage to lead our family into such a vulnerable conversation. And I feel grateful that we went along with her suggestion, even though it was scary.

Would you like to be more connected with your family or another group of people? Can you make yourself vulnerable and ask, “Is there anything I’ve done that has hurt or upset you and you’ve never told me?” By doing so, you will be creating a more functional family wherever you are.