A Mother’s Final Gift - Book Excerpt

[We are excerpting one last time from our new book, A Mother’s Final Gift:  How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family] My mother died three years ago, and her death and dying process has changed my life. I’ve never been afraid of death itself. Rather, I’ve been afraid of the process it takes to get there. My mother’s dying process played out my worst nightmare. She became incontinent, and had to have her granddaughters, daughter and son-in-law change her diapers. In the last weeks, she was totally dependent on other people for everything. She was not able to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, or even change to a more comfortable position in bed. Plus, she was at times in significant pain. I believe my mother concentrated on the goal rather than the inconveniences along the way. She had prepared her whole life for what she called, “the great adventure of death.” The fact that this adventure had inconveniences, like being incontinent and in pain, did not stop her from enjoying the experience. Imagine you had saved for many years to take a trip of a lifetime. You got to the airport and they told you your plane would be delayed. You might grumble a bit, but then just as quickly you would return to the excitement you felt about this dream trip. That’s how my mother was. She grumbled a bit from time to time about the inconveniences of a failing body, but she held high the goal of a beautiful dying process -- a journey as well as a destination. There was so much about her dying experience that was exciting for her, like seeing her beloved husband of sixty years who had died eight years previous. That in itself was enough to erase anything painful or disturbing about the ordeal of dying. And, as we write about in the book, there were other experiences that were just as powerful! She never felt alone or scared. There was so much unseen help and love surrounding her. Words from a song written by Michael Stillwater seem appropriate to what my mother was doing: “Breathe in the pain, breathe on out the love. May my heart be a place where this world is changed forever.” I saw my mother doing this with her dying process. She breathed in the pain, then it went through her loving heart and she breathed out more love. In this way she showed me that it does not matter how our body dies. It matters that we concentrate on love, and knowing we are being cared for in the highest way. Her main message to me on her death bed was, “Please tell everyone you can that death is so beautiful.” My mother has given me many gifts in my life, but the model of dying in such a beautiful and grateful way was her final gift to me, and a gift I will greatly treasure. I can no longer be afraid of dying. No matter how difficult or complicated my own dying process becomes, her strength and positive attitude are now a part of me. My mother has truly given me her final gift. When it is my time to die, I hope that I am able to give my children the same incredible gift that she gave me. It is a gift that lasts a lifetime. Five Christmases before she passed from this world, my mother gave me a small porcelain music box in the shape of a gift-wrapped box. When you open the lid, it plays the song, “Always.” The inscription inside the lid reads, “Always my daughter, and now also my friend.” A small hand-written note, also inside the box, brings me deep comfort: “Always remember, when you can no longer see me, I will still be there loving and caring for you. – Your ever-loving Mom.” © 2011, Ramira Publishing, all rights reserved. Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart. Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011-2012 workshop schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all. May 13-15 Women Living from the Heart Retreat With  Joyce at our home-center. Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6. May 27-30 Rowe, MA East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954. June 3-5 Esalen Institute, Big Sur, CA The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info June 24-26 Summer Couples Retreat Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space. July 10-15 Klamath River, CA Flowing with the River of Life (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st  annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth. July 17-22 Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR Summer Renewal  Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info… October 8-9 Germany Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg. http://sharedheart.org/sendstudionx/link.php?M=1314&N=38&L=10&F=T October 14-16 Norway Friday evening-Sunday. Workshop and training for couples. Contact Renate or Hermod Nordby Hansen hermodnh@online.no. October 18-24 Assisi, Italy Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt. More info… November 2011-April 2012 Aptos, CA HomeCenter The Greatest Journey: 6 Months of Mentoring in Love.  (Singles & Couples) Find and live your dream, your passion, and your purpose! Individually and together with a small, carefully chosen group of 8-14 participants (singles or couples), these 6 months will help re-define your life. Includes: three 4-day retreats at the Aptos Home-Center beginning in November, and going through April; tele-workshops with the group, and rotating peer-to-peer support. Must have attended at least one weekend workshop with the Vissells.  ... more info January 29-February 5, 2012 Hawaii “Couples in Paradise” A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option, includes 21 gourmet meals. More info… With all our love, Barry and Joyce Vissell Please click on www.sharedheart.org for inspiring articles about relationship and consciousness, as well as our schedule.