At a community event, a woman recognized and approached Joyce and me. She said, part joking and part serious, “I need your help. My ‘picker' is broken.” Noticing the confused looks on our faces, she continued, “Every man I pick for a relationship turns out to be wrong. I've finally realized I have a broken picker. Can you help me fix it?”
We laughed and hugged this woman and told her what we feel is the highest truth, “Every man you picked, even though the relationship didn't last as long as you would have liked, provided you with important growth and life lessons. It's not that your picker is broken. It's more that it is evolving as you are evolving.”
Even though this is the truth, and your “picker” is not broken, there are nevertheless ways to help your “picker” to evolve. There are really two questions: How do you choose a mate, and then, once you have found someone, how do you know this person is the right one?
Here are some suggestions:
1. Take steps to become your own best friend. As we pointed out in The Shared Heart , “The true soulmate is a state of consciousness, not a person.” The perfect spiritual partner does not exist outside of yourself. When you learn to accept and love yourself, this becomes reflected outside of you, and you draw to you someone who accepts and loves him or herself. We feel this is so important that we focus on it in every one of our workshops.
2. Feel how much you love this person already. You already have a heart-connected relationship which will feel very familiar. One woman read this point in The Shared Heart many years ago, and decided to feel and focus on this every day. It wasn't long before she met her husband.
3. Avoid external or superficial qualities. Many people make lists that include physical or personality traits they are seeking. This is a trap because it comes from your mind and desires. When you are young, it may be natural to do this. At age 18, I did this and it almost sabotaged my relationship with Joyce. She didn't quite fit my mental picture of the woman of my immature dreams. Thankfully, my heart won out, and recognized a true beloved of extraordinary beauty in Joyce.
4. What is really important to you? What inner qualities do you need in a mate? If honesty is really important to you, make a commitment to yourself to only be with someone who is committed to honesty.
5. Don't ignore red flags. Sometimes we are so focused on making a relationship work that we ignore unhealthy conditions. A male client of mine got involved with a woman who drank two or three glasses of wine every evening, saying it helped her unwind from the stresses of her day. Even though he felt uncomfortable with this (he didn't drink any alcohol), he tried to rationalize this habit as normal. He ignored the red flag, which in this case was his discomfort, and the relationship spiraled downhill and ended painfully.
6. Take your time. The feeling of love and openness can happen very fast with a partner, faster than our feelings and especially our bodies are ready. I remember giving one woman permission in a therapy session to not have sex just because she feels a loving connection with a partner. She learned that her heart-energy could sometimes override a lack of real readiness in her feelings and body, which take longer to feel really safe and ready. This was a revelation and made a huge difference to her. Also included here is not living together right away, until all of you is ready.
7. Don't settle for less than you deserve. One of our counseling clients had been in a relationship for three months. Her man friend had about 50% of the qualities she wanted in a man, but she sadly realized it just wasn't enough for her. She felt inside that she needed to leave him, which she did. It was more important to her to be single than in a partially fulfilling relationship. One and a half years later, and finally content to be single, she met her husband.
8. Listen to your heart and your intuition, the voice of your heart. As we say in The Shared Heart , “Your mind will naturally seek the easiest person to be with, one with whom it is easy and comfortable. But your heart, the voice of the soul, will seek the person who can best help you climb towards God. The mind seeks an easy relationship. The heart seeks a spiritual partner.”
Yes, these eight points take courage, as well as a deep commitment to yourself, but finding the right mate is a great treasure in life. Joyce and I feel the sweet ecstasy of joining inside and outside, of loving ourselves in the reflection of one another, of feeling the divine love in a connection that is bigger than the mere sum of the two of us.
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