It Takes Two

It takes two to tango. It takes two to share your heart. It also takes two when there are problems in a relationship.

Cinda and Galen had only been together two years but were deeply in trouble. Cinda had just had sex with another man, and was feeling burdened with shame and guilt. Galen felt humiliated and angry, and blamed Cinda for destroying their relationship.

Joyce and I asked Galen, “How did you contribute to the damage in the relationship?”

Galen stared blankly at us for a moment, then said, “OK, maybe I did something that wasn't good for us. I've been using pornography to satisfy my sexual needs, and then I haven't been wanting to have sex with Cinda. But that's not as destructive as what Cinda just did.”

We asked Cinda if Galen's use of pornography has hurt her and she started crying. Through her tears she said, “I've been feeling so unloved and alone in this relationship.”

After more work with the two of them, they both finally understood. Both of them had sabotaged the relationship to an equal degree but in different ways. Both had hurt one another to the same degree, Galen by his withdrawal into pornography, and Cinda by not setting clear boundaries for herself, both with Galen and with the other man.

Here's another example. Denise blamed Stewart for his lack of commitment. She felt her commitment to Stewart was rock-solid, adding “Stewart is my soul mate. I feel God has brought us together for a very special purpose. It hurts me so much that he doesn't share these feelings.”

Stewart seemed to be in agreement. He looked fatigued as he said, “Sometimes I feel Denise is the love of my life. Then I seem to flip-flop the next moment and be filled with doubts. I think there's something very wrong with me.”

It looks pretty clear on the surface. Denise is committed. Stewart isn't. The problem is Stewart.

Except for one little thing. Commitment doesn't work like that. Often, one person acts out the lack of commitment for both partners. Stewart was doing this. He was carrying more than his own share of lack of commitment.

We pressed Denise, “How do you lack commitment in this relationship?”

We had to ask the same question three times to get past her denial.

“Well,” she hesitated, “I do hold myself back from completely loving him, but that's because of his lack of commitment to me.”

“What about your commitment to yourself?” we asked.

Denise actually appeared clueless. “I'm not committed to myself. I'm committed to this relationship.”

“Denise,” we gently coached, “If you're not committed to yourself, how can you possibly be committed to another person.”

It took some more time to bring clarity to Denise and Stewart, but they finally got it. A lack of commitment was shared by both of them. As Denise takes better care of herself, making herself just as important as Stewart, the pressure will be taken off Stewart as the “problem.” As she focuses on the soul mate inside of her, Stewart may be able to focus on the soul mate outside of himself.

Very few couples understand that it always takes two persons to damage a relationship. It's often easier to see either our own or our partner's contribution to a painful situation. As you can see from the two examples, one person's contribution often appears more obvious. But look deeper and you will see each partner's equal contribution. If you don't see how you have hurt the relationship equally, you prevent healing. Nothing can be resolved when one is more to blame. Two persons are brought together into partnership so that each can learn just as much about love as the other. As we share in our book, Light in the Mirror (aka The Heart's Wisdom ), “Every relationship is a mirror in which couples can see and understand the deeper, hidden parts of themselves. No one can grow spiritually without introspection, a journey inside themselves. A mirror is a device for looking at ourselves, for seeing parts of ourselves that are difficult, if not impossible, to see without this help. Every relationship offers us just such a reflection of ourselves, if we are willing to look, and learn, and grow.”