At a recent workshop, a participant I will call Warner asked for more and more attention from Joyce and me. We’d spend time helping him, and pretty soon he’d be asking for more help without his ever acknowledging our efforts. He wasn’t content with only asking during the workshop sessions. He would find us even during breaks and insist that we spend private time with him. He was irritating us both, yet we kept trying to be compassionate.
After the workshop ended, we felt we had given Warner as much love and kindness as we could, but it seemed never to be enough. In a moment of revelation mixed with humbling, Joyce and I realized we had failed Warner. We had been too nice, and not honest enough. We had ignored our irritated feelings, our frustration, and our own sense of boundaries, the healthy protection of our own energy. By our trying to be super caring and loving, we had given too much of our attention to one person, which had taken our attention from the rest of the group.
However, Warner gave Joyce and me an unexpected but important gift. The evening after the workshop, we went for a long walk together and made a sacred vow to be authentic with all of our feelings, not only during workshops but with our friends and family as well. If we feel bothered by someone, we are going to let that person know our feelings as compassionately as possible. If the delivery of our feelings is clumsy, so be it. We will apologize for the clumsiness, not the feelings.
Sometimes in our workshops we have participants who blame others for their condition, and are not willing to take responsibility for their own feelings or actions. Sometimes the blame has been directed to someone in the workshop, or us as leaders, or even the whole group. Again we have tended to be too nice and patient with these individuals, until the situation has become unbearable and the very safety of the group is threatened. I remember one woman who came to our home-center and complained about the location, the house, the wind coming in the open windows, the closed windows letting in too much light, the food, the cook, people talking too much at the meals, and much more than I can remember. We tried our best to accommodate her needs, to find out what she was really needing, but she refused to take responsibility for her pain and upset. We endured her projections for a full 24 hours before finally coming to our senses and asking her to leave, to the relief of the rest of the group.
Even more important, are you too nice to those you love? Do you ignore or overlook your feelings when you feel hurt by something a loved one says or does? Do you fail to ask for what you need or want? Do you take a strong enough stand on important decisions? The couples we are most concerned about are the ones who proudly claim they never argue or disagree with one another.
So why are we all too nice? Simple. Fear. If we confront someone with our hurt feelings, if we take a strong stand for what we think or want, we are afraid of being judged, criticized, rejected, mocked, abandoned, or lose that person’s love in some other way. Some may say, “but I’m more afraid of hurting another than by being hurt.” OK, but then that person may withdraw their love from you, which addresses the deeper fear, the loss of love.
Interestingly, Joyce and I are never “too nice” with one another. We feel safe enough in our relationship to confront one another. To be honest, I wish I could be more vulnerable when I feel hurt by Joyce, and express my hurt feelings rather than sometimes protecting myself with anger. I wish I could more often express my need for her love and comfort, rather than lose myself in busy productivity. Despite our shortcomings, we have an underlying trust that we will (eventually) come back to love, that our destiny lies together, and that is a wonderful comfort to us both.
Love is not only patient and kind. It is powerful and confronting as well. We understand the ideal of tolerating the abrasiveness of another’s words or actions, but sometimes forcing tolerance is not helpful. In fact, it can be a way of dishonoring or disrespecting our own feelings. There are many things I have no trouble tolerating in others, and I make it my spiritual practice to keep loving a person even though they are being difficult. Yet my spiritual work is now calling me to accept and listen more carefully to all my feelings, and express myself rather than faking tolerance. If someone is standing on my toes and it hurts, what good is it to smile and pretend I’m not in pain. My goal is to acknowledge the inner goodness of this person, and then ask them to get off my toes.
No comments:
Post a Comment