Joyce and I have come up with what we feel are 40 of the most important ingredients of a healthy relationship. We’ve put them into the following self-evaluation checklist so that both you and your partner can honestly rate your relationship, and then compare checklists to not only talk about the weak areas or the discrepancies in your ratings, but also celebrate your strengths. Some of the items may be difficult to discuss. It’s not uncommon for couples to have never discussed some of these issues. If you have trouble communicating, it’s important get help in the form of individual counseling sessions or a couple’s workshop.
Please make copies of this checklist so both of you can fill one out separately and then compare answers. After each item, write two numbers. The first number indicates your level of satisfaction, with 0 equaling no satisfaction, 5 average, and 10 complete satisfaction. Then write a second number that you think/feel represents your partner’s level of satisfaction.
The depth of our communication together:
The expression of my appreciation for my partner:
My partner’s expression of his/her appreciation for me:
The way I show affection:
The way my partner shows affection:
My expression of my need for my partner’s love:
My partner’s expression of her/his need for my love:
The way I listen to my partner:
The way my partner listens to me:
My trust in my partner:
My partner’s trust in me:
My commitment to my partner:
My partner’s commitment to me:
My emotional safety:
My partner’s emotional safety:
Our process of decision making:
The way we work together as a team:
My acceptance of my partner’s differences:
My partner’s acceptance of my differences:
Our conflict management:
My admitting to being wrong:
My partner’s admitting to being wrong:
How I see/honor the child inside my partner:
How my partner sees/honors the child inside me:
My partner’s support of my dreams/goals:
My support of my partner’s dreams/goals:
The way we share spiritual ideas and practices:
Our sexual relationship:
The priority the relationship is for me:
The priority the relationship is for my partner:
How I take care of myself as an individual:
How my partner takes care of him/herself as an individual:
How we manage money together:
My generosity with my partner:
My partner’s generosity with me:
My relationship with my partner’s family:
My partner’s relationship with my family.
How well we play together:
How well we sleep together:
The amount of laughter in our relationship:
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Conscious Codependence
Codependent behavior can destroy relationships and produce much
unhappiness. There are recovery groups all over the world dedicated to
helping people with this often crippling personal and relationship dynamic.
How do we heal codependence?
I need to begin with a good definition of this term? Codependence literally
means “dependence together,” or mutual dependence. Originating in the
twelve-step recovery movement, it was used to describe how an individual,
by either action or inaction, perpetuates a partner or spouse’s addiction
or harmful behavior. The classic example is the wife who is in denial of
her husband’s alcoholism. Perhaps she tries harder to love him, or she
tries to control his drinking by emptying the liquor bottles down the sink.
The codependent person has usually learned in childhood to make another
person’s needs more important than their own, and therefore often becomes
a caretaker of others to the detriment of themselves.
However, I have developed a broader definition of codependence as
unconscious need or dependence upon another person. It is, in a way, a
refusal to acknowledge the importance of our own emotional needs. To a
degree, this definition applies to all of us.
Interdependence, on the other hand, is the awareness of our need for one
another. Embracing our interdependence brings more love and consciousness
into all of our relationships.
There is a vast difference between feeling our need for another (an aspect
of interdependence) and expecting or demanding another to fill that need
(an aspect of codependence). Interdependence implies taking responsibility
for our feelings, desires and actions. When we don't take responsibility
for our feelings, a codependent interaction is the result. For example, the
other day I felt annoyed with Joyce because I couldn't find my slippers and
was convinced she had put them away. In my unconscious mind, I wanted and
expected Joyce ("Mommy") to take care of my inner child. If, in that
moment, I could have recognized that my need for love was far greater than
my need for my slippers, it’s possible I could’ve been vulnerable with
Joyce, and thus had a loving connection with her. When we touch this
conscious awareness of our need for another, we touch the joy of
interdependence – and we heal our codependence.
Another example of codependence is the mother who complains to her grown
children that they don't telephone her enough. (I’m not pointing fingers
here!) Her complaining is an unconscious cover-up for her need for their
love and attention. The result is often not what she wants: her children
feel guilty or angry, and end up calling her even less. If she can be more
emotionally honest and simply share her need for love and connection with
her family, her honesty will give her the best possible chance of receiving
what she needs.
Our codependence can often be traced to our inner child's need for love,
our fear of that need not being met, and our protective mechanism (my anger
over my slippers and the mother's complaining) to keep this vulnerable
child hidden from view – and therefore protected from possible hurt or
rejection. The healing comes when we find the courage to make peace with
the needs of our vulnerable inner child.
It is healthy to feel our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual
needs for others, because this represents a humble acceptance of where we
stand as human beings. It is unhealthy, however, to project those needs
onto someone else and expect or demand that they do something about them.
This projection is manipulative and is the root of codependent behavior. It
is looking outside of ourselves for the source of our happiness. We will
never find it out there. The healthy position is to feel both our human
need for love as well as the divine source of that love in ourselves and in
others.
Joyce and I certainly have our share of codependence. When we eat at a
restaurant and the waiter comes over to ask Joyce if she wants something to
drink, she will automatically turn towards me to see if I want something to
drink. And I will turn toward Joyce if the waiter asks me if I want
something. Yes, perhaps it can be seen as being polite, but there’s an
unconscious element to it as well, as if neither one of us can make a
decision for ourselves.
Then there’s the clothing we wear. One beautifully sunny day, we parked
at the beach to walk our dogs. I decided it was warm enough to leave my
sweatshirt in the car, and tried to convince Joyce that she didn’t need
to bring her sweatshirt either. She decided to bring it anyway. I actually
got slightly annoyed because I had just locked the car. Now I felt I had to
unlock the car to retrieve my own sweatshirt. Even though I didn’t want
it, Joyce was bringing hers and that meant, for me, that I had to bring
mine too!
Is that codependent or what? Before long, we started laughing at the
absurdity of this codependent interaction. We were able to laugh because we
became conscious of our own codependence. And because of this awareness, it
was no longer codependence. Through our laughing awareness, our
codependence became transformed into interdependence.
We need to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves about our codependence,
our unconscious ways of relating. Yet our eventual healing and fulfillment
lies in accepting our interdependence, the awareness that we are not alone
on this planet. We need each other very much. Our survival as a species
depends on our interdependence. We can only survive through love and
cooperation ... and acceptance of our need for one another as well as our
need to give to one another.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
February 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE. $225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299. Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839 thesourceabq.com
March 5-6
REDWOOD VALLEY COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $450 (includes meals and camping). $500 after Feb 25. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 12-13
SEATTLE, WA (SINGLES & COUPLES)
South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213.
March 27-April 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option, includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
April 13-17
PERSONAL MENTORSHIP ENDING RETREAT. Aptos, CA ... more info
April 30-May 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
May 13-15
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.
May 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
June 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.
July 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.
July 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
October 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
October 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt.
Please click on SharedHeart.org for inspiring articles about
relationship and consciousness, as well as our schedule.
unhappiness. There are recovery groups all over the world dedicated to
helping people with this often crippling personal and relationship dynamic.
How do we heal codependence?
I need to begin with a good definition of this term? Codependence literally
means “dependence together,” or mutual dependence. Originating in the
twelve-step recovery movement, it was used to describe how an individual,
by either action or inaction, perpetuates a partner or spouse’s addiction
or harmful behavior. The classic example is the wife who is in denial of
her husband’s alcoholism. Perhaps she tries harder to love him, or she
tries to control his drinking by emptying the liquor bottles down the sink.
The codependent person has usually learned in childhood to make another
person’s needs more important than their own, and therefore often becomes
a caretaker of others to the detriment of themselves.
However, I have developed a broader definition of codependence as
unconscious need or dependence upon another person. It is, in a way, a
refusal to acknowledge the importance of our own emotional needs. To a
degree, this definition applies to all of us.
Interdependence, on the other hand, is the awareness of our need for one
another. Embracing our interdependence brings more love and consciousness
into all of our relationships.
There is a vast difference between feeling our need for another (an aspect
of interdependence) and expecting or demanding another to fill that need
(an aspect of codependence). Interdependence implies taking responsibility
for our feelings, desires and actions. When we don't take responsibility
for our feelings, a codependent interaction is the result. For example, the
other day I felt annoyed with Joyce because I couldn't find my slippers and
was convinced she had put them away. In my unconscious mind, I wanted and
expected Joyce ("Mommy") to take care of my inner child. If, in that
moment, I could have recognized that my need for love was far greater than
my need for my slippers, it’s possible I could’ve been vulnerable with
Joyce, and thus had a loving connection with her. When we touch this
conscious awareness of our need for another, we touch the joy of
interdependence – and we heal our codependence.
Another example of codependence is the mother who complains to her grown
children that they don't telephone her enough. (I’m not pointing fingers
here!) Her complaining is an unconscious cover-up for her need for their
love and attention. The result is often not what she wants: her children
feel guilty or angry, and end up calling her even less. If she can be more
emotionally honest and simply share her need for love and connection with
her family, her honesty will give her the best possible chance of receiving
what she needs.
Our codependence can often be traced to our inner child's need for love,
our fear of that need not being met, and our protective mechanism (my anger
over my slippers and the mother's complaining) to keep this vulnerable
child hidden from view – and therefore protected from possible hurt or
rejection. The healing comes when we find the courage to make peace with
the needs of our vulnerable inner child.
It is healthy to feel our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual
needs for others, because this represents a humble acceptance of where we
stand as human beings. It is unhealthy, however, to project those needs
onto someone else and expect or demand that they do something about them.
This projection is manipulative and is the root of codependent behavior. It
is looking outside of ourselves for the source of our happiness. We will
never find it out there. The healthy position is to feel both our human
need for love as well as the divine source of that love in ourselves and in
others.
Joyce and I certainly have our share of codependence. When we eat at a
restaurant and the waiter comes over to ask Joyce if she wants something to
drink, she will automatically turn towards me to see if I want something to
drink. And I will turn toward Joyce if the waiter asks me if I want
something. Yes, perhaps it can be seen as being polite, but there’s an
unconscious element to it as well, as if neither one of us can make a
decision for ourselves.
Then there’s the clothing we wear. One beautifully sunny day, we parked
at the beach to walk our dogs. I decided it was warm enough to leave my
sweatshirt in the car, and tried to convince Joyce that she didn’t need
to bring her sweatshirt either. She decided to bring it anyway. I actually
got slightly annoyed because I had just locked the car. Now I felt I had to
unlock the car to retrieve my own sweatshirt. Even though I didn’t want
it, Joyce was bringing hers and that meant, for me, that I had to bring
mine too!
Is that codependent or what? Before long, we started laughing at the
absurdity of this codependent interaction. We were able to laugh because we
became conscious of our own codependence. And because of this awareness, it
was no longer codependence. Through our laughing awareness, our
codependence became transformed into interdependence.
We need to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves about our codependence,
our unconscious ways of relating. Yet our eventual healing and fulfillment
lies in accepting our interdependence, the awareness that we are not alone
on this planet. We need each other very much. Our survival as a species
depends on our interdependence. We can only survive through love and
cooperation ... and acceptance of our need for one another as well as our
need to give to one another.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
February 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE. $225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299. Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839 thesourceabq.com
March 5-6
REDWOOD VALLEY COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $450 (includes meals and camping). $500 after Feb 25. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 12-13
SEATTLE, WA (SINGLES & COUPLES)
South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213.
March 27-April 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option, includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
April 13-17
PERSONAL MENTORSHIP ENDING RETREAT. Aptos, CA ... more info
April 30-May 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
May 13-15
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.
May 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
June 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.
July 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.
July 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
October 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
October 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt.
Please click on SharedHeart.org for inspiring articles about
relationship and consciousness, as well as our schedule.
How Will You Be Remembered? A Tribute to Hugh Prather
Do you ever wonder, “How do people feel in my presence? How would I be remembered if I died today?” I have been pondering these two questions since our dear friend Hugh Prather died suddenly of a heart attack on November 15, 2010. Reflecting upon all our times with him, I realized that I always felt loved in his presence. Though he was a national icon, he remained humble and caring. I will always remember him as a friend who truly knew how to love. For Hugh, loving was far more important than his many writing and speaking accomplishments.
Hugh was the bestselling author of Notes to Myself, which started out as a personal journal. On a whim in 1970 he sent the journal to a small publisher, one without any financial means to do advertising. The book was published and has sold over five million copies and has been translated into ten languages. The New York Times called him the American Khalil Gibran, and his books have been called the “Chicken Soup for the 70’s Soul.”
While he lived in Santa Cruz with his family, we were able to visit him and his wife Gayle quite often. One would never know that he was a famous person. Rather than putting any attention on his own success, he focused all of his energy on helping us with our successes in life. No matter what topic we were talking about, I could look over at him and he would be smiling and loving both Barry and me. I felt consistently wonderful just being in his presence, and remember leaving those visits feeling his love and belief in us.
In 1989 we lost our home to the big California earthquake. Hugh and Gayle also suffered extensive damage to their home as well. When they learned that we were in worse shape than they were, they dedicated two weeks to helping us, along with our two small girls and infant son, move into another home. This was an extremely difficult time for us, and yet Hugh’s eyes, always filled with love and compassion, helped to sustain me. Even in my suffering it felt so good to be in his presence.
I am quite sure that Hugh hoped and planned to live many more years. He probably had at least ten more books on his creative list. In fact, he just finished his latest book on the last day of his life.
A sudden death could happen to any of us, at any age, at any phase of our life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered for the criticism you gave, the resentment you wouldn’t let go of, or the apology you refused to give? Do you want people to think of you as dishonest, drinking too much and causing suffering, being uncaring and insensitive, controlling and bullying others, or complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. No one wants to be remembered in these ways.
I am quite sure that everyone reading this would want to be remembered as someone who loved and cared. Therefore it is always good to ask ourselves these reflective questions. “How do people feel in my presence? How will I be remembered?” Perhaps it’s time to give that apology, let go of that particular resentment, give the acknowledgment and appreciation that is long overdue, and express your gratitude to another.
I’ll never forget Hugh Prather. I may forget his many accomplishments, but I will never forget the consistent love that he showed. In his presence I felt loved and honored as a human being. I know that he offered this same gift to all those who were blessed to know him, especially his devoted wife and two sons. In my mind, that is a life well lived.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Hugh was the bestselling author of Notes to Myself, which started out as a personal journal. On a whim in 1970 he sent the journal to a small publisher, one without any financial means to do advertising. The book was published and has sold over five million copies and has been translated into ten languages. The New York Times called him the American Khalil Gibran, and his books have been called the “Chicken Soup for the 70’s Soul.”
While he lived in Santa Cruz with his family, we were able to visit him and his wife Gayle quite often. One would never know that he was a famous person. Rather than putting any attention on his own success, he focused all of his energy on helping us with our successes in life. No matter what topic we were talking about, I could look over at him and he would be smiling and loving both Barry and me. I felt consistently wonderful just being in his presence, and remember leaving those visits feeling his love and belief in us.
In 1989 we lost our home to the big California earthquake. Hugh and Gayle also suffered extensive damage to their home as well. When they learned that we were in worse shape than they were, they dedicated two weeks to helping us, along with our two small girls and infant son, move into another home. This was an extremely difficult time for us, and yet Hugh’s eyes, always filled with love and compassion, helped to sustain me. Even in my suffering it felt so good to be in his presence.
I am quite sure that Hugh hoped and planned to live many more years. He probably had at least ten more books on his creative list. In fact, he just finished his latest book on the last day of his life.
A sudden death could happen to any of us, at any age, at any phase of our life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered for the criticism you gave, the resentment you wouldn’t let go of, or the apology you refused to give? Do you want people to think of you as dishonest, drinking too much and causing suffering, being uncaring and insensitive, controlling and bullying others, or complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. No one wants to be remembered in these ways.
I am quite sure that everyone reading this would want to be remembered as someone who loved and cared. Therefore it is always good to ask ourselves these reflective questions. “How do people feel in my presence? How will I be remembered?” Perhaps it’s time to give that apology, let go of that particular resentment, give the acknowledgment and appreciation that is long overdue, and express your gratitude to another.
I’ll never forget Hugh Prather. I may forget his many accomplishments, but I will never forget the consistent love that he showed. In his presence I felt loved and honored as a human being. I know that he offered this same gift to all those who were blessed to know him, especially his devoted wife and two sons. In my mind, that is a life well lived.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Greatest Gift
Imagine that you awaken to find a very large present waiting for you. It is wrapped in colorful paper and tied with a lovely bow. There are flowers on top and everything about this present is just beautiful. But you don’t open it. You go about your day, knowing that the gift is there but thinking that the right time to open it has simply not arrived. Days go by and the present remains unopened. You rationalize that you are too busy to open it, or that you probably won’t like it anyway. Soon the present gets put into the closet and is forgotten. A full year goes by and you open the closet to find something and there you see the present again. You rationalize again, “It probably wasn’t for me anyway. Why would I get such a special present? I am not really worthy to receive this.” The unopened gift is shoved deeper into the closet. And so it goes on and on. Perhaps it never gets opened.
When I was a junior and senior in college I attended the Columbia University School of Nursing in New York City. At the time the Columbia Medical Center was the largest in the country. My most memorable time in nursing school was the five month rotation through OB. In any given day I was witness to at least 6-8 births, an average of 100 births a month. The medical center treated mostly the poorest of the poor, some middle class as well as some wealthier private patients. Some of these babies were coming to mothers who did not want them. These mothers already had 8 or more children at home and couldn’t provide for the ones they already had. There were also babies born to mothers who were so addicted to drugs they hardly knew what was happening to them. Some of these mothers would scream out, “Just get this out of me. I never want to see it. I don’t want this baby.” Some of these mothers upon giving birth would change their minds and want to hold the baby, other mothers looked away and just wanted the baby taken away. Some mothers dearly wanted their babies, and many did not. What I found so remarkable was that no matter if a mother wanted her baby or didn’t, there was a beautiful presence of love that seemed to surround each baby as it was born. At age 20, I was not a new age type person. I had never heard of auras, energy fields or other metaphysical phenomena. I was young, rather simple and a serious student strictly adhering to what I could learn from the text books. But even in my inexperienced world, I could still feel this unseen love come and surround each baby that was born. It didn’t matter whether the baby was “perfect” in body or had deformities. Each baby, whether welcomed by its mom or not, perfect or not, experienced the very same welcoming unseen love the very second it was born. Tears would flow out of my eyes and I felt moved every time. Looking around the room I noticed the other nursing and medical students had tears as well, even a few of the seasoned doctors and nurses shed a few tears. It was just so moving to experience this miracle, this heavenly love surrounding the newborn baby.
This love is our birth right. It was given to each of us the moment of our birth. This is the greatest present that we can ever receive, the specially-wrapped present that we put off opening. We did not have to do anything to deserve this love, the greatest present of all. It was just given to us the very moment we entered this world. It was not about being good, or perfect or wanted. It was given to let us know how loved we are and how welcomed we are to this world.
My mother’s oldest sister, Dora, came to this country from Sweden. She had to leave school after 7th grade in order to work to help support the family of eight children whose mother died giving birth to the eighth baby. She was a housecleaner her entire life. She never married or had children and was a very simple person who spoke very little. Though she hardly ever spoke, there were a few things she repeated often. When I was a child I would see Aunt Dora at least once a week. She always asked me the same thing in the same words regardless of what time of year it was. “Joyce, are you being good? If you don’t be good you will only get coal in your stocking at Christmas.” This was something I grew up with. Be good, or else there are bad consequences. I expanded that phrase into all aspects of my life. If I am not good, the love will be taken away. At some time in my 20’s I learned that love is not conditional on our being good or perfect. We are loved because of the beautiful person we all are inside, not because of how we perform or do well. We are loved because we are all children of our great creator. There is nothing that has ever happened that can take away that love. The gift of love is permanent.
I invite us all to open the closet of our being and take out that greatest of all presents, the unconditional love that is the birthright given to us the very moment we entered this world. Opening this present can be the work of a life time, and the most valuable thing we can be doing, to truly get that we are loved and are loveable.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
When I was a junior and senior in college I attended the Columbia University School of Nursing in New York City. At the time the Columbia Medical Center was the largest in the country. My most memorable time in nursing school was the five month rotation through OB. In any given day I was witness to at least 6-8 births, an average of 100 births a month. The medical center treated mostly the poorest of the poor, some middle class as well as some wealthier private patients. Some of these babies were coming to mothers who did not want them. These mothers already had 8 or more children at home and couldn’t provide for the ones they already had. There were also babies born to mothers who were so addicted to drugs they hardly knew what was happening to them. Some of these mothers would scream out, “Just get this out of me. I never want to see it. I don’t want this baby.” Some of these mothers upon giving birth would change their minds and want to hold the baby, other mothers looked away and just wanted the baby taken away. Some mothers dearly wanted their babies, and many did not. What I found so remarkable was that no matter if a mother wanted her baby or didn’t, there was a beautiful presence of love that seemed to surround each baby as it was born. At age 20, I was not a new age type person. I had never heard of auras, energy fields or other metaphysical phenomena. I was young, rather simple and a serious student strictly adhering to what I could learn from the text books. But even in my inexperienced world, I could still feel this unseen love come and surround each baby that was born. It didn’t matter whether the baby was “perfect” in body or had deformities. Each baby, whether welcomed by its mom or not, perfect or not, experienced the very same welcoming unseen love the very second it was born. Tears would flow out of my eyes and I felt moved every time. Looking around the room I noticed the other nursing and medical students had tears as well, even a few of the seasoned doctors and nurses shed a few tears. It was just so moving to experience this miracle, this heavenly love surrounding the newborn baby.
This love is our birth right. It was given to each of us the moment of our birth. This is the greatest present that we can ever receive, the specially-wrapped present that we put off opening. We did not have to do anything to deserve this love, the greatest present of all. It was just given to us the very moment we entered this world. It was not about being good, or perfect or wanted. It was given to let us know how loved we are and how welcomed we are to this world.
My mother’s oldest sister, Dora, came to this country from Sweden. She had to leave school after 7th grade in order to work to help support the family of eight children whose mother died giving birth to the eighth baby. She was a housecleaner her entire life. She never married or had children and was a very simple person who spoke very little. Though she hardly ever spoke, there were a few things she repeated often. When I was a child I would see Aunt Dora at least once a week. She always asked me the same thing in the same words regardless of what time of year it was. “Joyce, are you being good? If you don’t be good you will only get coal in your stocking at Christmas.” This was something I grew up with. Be good, or else there are bad consequences. I expanded that phrase into all aspects of my life. If I am not good, the love will be taken away. At some time in my 20’s I learned that love is not conditional on our being good or perfect. We are loved because of the beautiful person we all are inside, not because of how we perform or do well. We are loved because we are all children of our great creator. There is nothing that has ever happened that can take away that love. The gift of love is permanent.
I invite us all to open the closet of our being and take out that greatest of all presents, the unconditional love that is the birthright given to us the very moment we entered this world. Opening this present can be the work of a life time, and the most valuable thing we can be doing, to truly get that we are loved and are loveable.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Miracle on the Mountain
White Eagle urges us to always be prepared in our hearts for the call to service, for we never know when we will be needed to help another. Currently, it is one of my most important prayers to ask that I be used to help others. But it wasn’t always my prayer.
In 1977, Joyce and I spent the summer close to Mt. Shasta with one-year-old daughter Rami. At the time, we were enamored with mystical teachings and paranormal phenomena. Our plan was to take turns each day, one of us seeking enlightenment on the slopes of the fabled mountain, while the other took on the “worldly, non-spiritual task” of caring for our toddler. Of course now we realize our folly, and relish any opportunity to spend time with a baby or child as one of the highest paths to the divine.
It was my turn this particular day to go forth seeking enlightenment upon the sacred mountain. Kissing my family goodbye, I ventured high up the alpine terrain and finally found my “power spot” on a ledge with a magnificent view of the mountains on the western side of the valley. There I sat seeking other-worldly experiences for several hours to no avail. I did become more peaceful, something today I would consider a huge success. I finally gave in to fatigue and took a nap in the warm sunshine.
By late afternoon it was time to leave my ledge. I sadly considered my time on the mountain a failure. I picked my way down the steep slope to Panther Meadow, with its little stream gurgling down the center. As I descended along the trail, I noticed a man lying on the grass close to the stream. I was passing him perhaps thirty feet to the side, and had a peculiar feeling something was wrong. I paused for a moment to make sure he was breathing, which he was, then continued walking but was stopped again by a strange impulse to go over to him. Immediately my mind judged this as foolish. The man was probably taking a nap, probably seeking solitude, maybe even on the mountain for the same reason I was there, seeking spiritual growth.
I started to pass him when again I felt stopped by a stronger prompting to sit next to him. Again my mind kicked in with all the reasons I shouldn’t do this. He’ll probably think you’re some weirdo, and ask you to leave him alone. I wouldn’t blame him. If I was meditating or relaxing beside a stream in the wilderness and someone sat down right next to me, I probably would be upset too.
The sensible thing to do was to leave him alone, but I just couldn’t ignore the urge I was feeling. Perhaps it was all the meditation on the mountain that enhanced my sensitivity to this seemingly inappropriate prompting, but I hesitated no longer. I turned, walked up to this man, and sat one foot away from his head. I felt like a complete idiot.
The man opened his eyes and looked at me with an expression that registered no surprise whatsoever. I had the eerie sensation that he seemed to be expecting me. He sat up and, without small talk or any form of greeting, proceeded to tell me he was lying there planning his suicide, but prayed one last time in desperation: “If there is a God, please send someone to help me.” A few minutes later I sat down beside him.
I spent perhaps thirty minutes speaking with this man. In that time it became crystal clear to both of us that there indeed was a higher power in the universe, and this power sent me to him in his time of deepest need. He looked directly into my eyes and proclaimed, “Now I don’t need to kill myself. I have proof of God’s existence. How can I ever thank you?”
I said, “You’ve already thanked me. I needed the same divine proof you did. You’ve probably helped me just as much as I’ve helped you.”
We stood up together and hugged, then he gave his farewell and started walking down the path. He stopped after about fifty feet, turned and waved, and I saw a radiant smile light up his face. Then he turned away and was gone.
I continued to sit in that holy spot, mesmerized by what had just happened. I didn’t even know his name, but I did know that I was used as an instrument of love. I also knew without a doubt that this fellow would never kill himself. And it wasn’t my psychiatric training and experience that convinced me of this. It was a deeper knowing that comes from true spiritual realization.
That afternoon on Mt. Shasta changed the course of my spiritual quest. Previously, spirituality was something to acquire, something just for me. Now spirituality was becoming more than just for me. I realized that the highest mystical experience was the joy and fulfillment of truly helping another. I realized that immature spirituality is selfish. It’s about acquiring more power or fame. Mature spirituality is not selfish. It’s about helping and sharing, creating a larger good than self.
Since that day on the mountain, I try to listen more carefully to that sometimes irrational intuition. I really want to be of service here on earth, and I can’t do the highest job by just listening to my mind. I need to listen to that deeper prompting, the voice of my heart, and then I know I am really helping.
So, yes, do all you can to help others. But, above all else, listen to those often subtle promptings to do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Your mind may rebel, like mine did on the mountain, but your heart and soul will guide you best. You may make mistakes, thinking you are following intuition. I have made many. But this is how we all learn. Sometimes you just have to take the risk. Learn the joy of divine service.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
In 1977, Joyce and I spent the summer close to Mt. Shasta with one-year-old daughter Rami. At the time, we were enamored with mystical teachings and paranormal phenomena. Our plan was to take turns each day, one of us seeking enlightenment on the slopes of the fabled mountain, while the other took on the “worldly, non-spiritual task” of caring for our toddler. Of course now we realize our folly, and relish any opportunity to spend time with a baby or child as one of the highest paths to the divine.
It was my turn this particular day to go forth seeking enlightenment upon the sacred mountain. Kissing my family goodbye, I ventured high up the alpine terrain and finally found my “power spot” on a ledge with a magnificent view of the mountains on the western side of the valley. There I sat seeking other-worldly experiences for several hours to no avail. I did become more peaceful, something today I would consider a huge success. I finally gave in to fatigue and took a nap in the warm sunshine.
By late afternoon it was time to leave my ledge. I sadly considered my time on the mountain a failure. I picked my way down the steep slope to Panther Meadow, with its little stream gurgling down the center. As I descended along the trail, I noticed a man lying on the grass close to the stream. I was passing him perhaps thirty feet to the side, and had a peculiar feeling something was wrong. I paused for a moment to make sure he was breathing, which he was, then continued walking but was stopped again by a strange impulse to go over to him. Immediately my mind judged this as foolish. The man was probably taking a nap, probably seeking solitude, maybe even on the mountain for the same reason I was there, seeking spiritual growth.
I started to pass him when again I felt stopped by a stronger prompting to sit next to him. Again my mind kicked in with all the reasons I shouldn’t do this. He’ll probably think you’re some weirdo, and ask you to leave him alone. I wouldn’t blame him. If I was meditating or relaxing beside a stream in the wilderness and someone sat down right next to me, I probably would be upset too.
The sensible thing to do was to leave him alone, but I just couldn’t ignore the urge I was feeling. Perhaps it was all the meditation on the mountain that enhanced my sensitivity to this seemingly inappropriate prompting, but I hesitated no longer. I turned, walked up to this man, and sat one foot away from his head. I felt like a complete idiot.
The man opened his eyes and looked at me with an expression that registered no surprise whatsoever. I had the eerie sensation that he seemed to be expecting me. He sat up and, without small talk or any form of greeting, proceeded to tell me he was lying there planning his suicide, but prayed one last time in desperation: “If there is a God, please send someone to help me.” A few minutes later I sat down beside him.
I spent perhaps thirty minutes speaking with this man. In that time it became crystal clear to both of us that there indeed was a higher power in the universe, and this power sent me to him in his time of deepest need. He looked directly into my eyes and proclaimed, “Now I don’t need to kill myself. I have proof of God’s existence. How can I ever thank you?”
I said, “You’ve already thanked me. I needed the same divine proof you did. You’ve probably helped me just as much as I’ve helped you.”
We stood up together and hugged, then he gave his farewell and started walking down the path. He stopped after about fifty feet, turned and waved, and I saw a radiant smile light up his face. Then he turned away and was gone.
I continued to sit in that holy spot, mesmerized by what had just happened. I didn’t even know his name, but I did know that I was used as an instrument of love. I also knew without a doubt that this fellow would never kill himself. And it wasn’t my psychiatric training and experience that convinced me of this. It was a deeper knowing that comes from true spiritual realization.
That afternoon on Mt. Shasta changed the course of my spiritual quest. Previously, spirituality was something to acquire, something just for me. Now spirituality was becoming more than just for me. I realized that the highest mystical experience was the joy and fulfillment of truly helping another. I realized that immature spirituality is selfish. It’s about acquiring more power or fame. Mature spirituality is not selfish. It’s about helping and sharing, creating a larger good than self.
Since that day on the mountain, I try to listen more carefully to that sometimes irrational intuition. I really want to be of service here on earth, and I can’t do the highest job by just listening to my mind. I need to listen to that deeper prompting, the voice of my heart, and then I know I am really helping.
So, yes, do all you can to help others. But, above all else, listen to those often subtle promptings to do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Your mind may rebel, like mine did on the mountain, but your heart and soul will guide you best. You may make mistakes, thinking you are following intuition. I have made many. But this is how we all learn. Sometimes you just have to take the risk. Learn the joy of divine service.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Teamwork: A Fast Track to Growth
Have you ever heard, or found yourself saying something like, “Our relationship would be so much better if my partner could only change.” The message is, “I will be better off when my partner or friend learns or changes something.” And yet in reality until the couple or friends realize that it takes two people to heal something, there will not be much progress. Relationship is truly a dance of cooperation, balance, and mutual empowerment.
Thirty years ago Barry and I had the amazing blessing of being able to spend a lot of quality time, one on one, with Ram Dass. Ram Dass, formerly Richard Alpert, was a Harvard psychology professor who left Harvard in the early sixties to seek deeper meaning in India. He then brought back eastern spiritual teachings in a form that westerners could relate to. He also used his psychology training and terrific sense of humor to teach thousands of people. Ram Dass was an important teacher to us, and we were thrilled when he moved close to us. He was writing a book, and wanted just a few people to train and counsel. He felt this would keep his skills alive and help him with his writing. Barry and I were eight of those fortunate people who went one at a time over a transformative three year period.
After several months of listening to Barry and I relate about the problems and challenges in our relationship, he made a very profound comment that has deeply affected our relationship. He said, “I sit here and listen as Barry describes all the ways he feels you should change. Then a week later I sit here and listen to you describe all the ways that Barry should change. I listen week after week and yet nothing really changes between you two. Until you realize that what you perceive as the other person’s problem is really a relationship problem you will never really grow together. As long as you think it is Barry’s challenge and you have to wait until he learns something, then your relationship stays stuck. The same is true for Barry. When you work on something together as a relationship challenge, then you will begin to make progress.”
That single bit of wisdom has profoundly affected us over all these years. An example of this was Barry’s relationship with his father. I felt that Barry needed to express his feeling to his father when his dad said or did things that hurt him. I could see Barry close down by things his father would say, and that closing down would affect me. Then I would get angry at Barry for not expressing his feelings. This dysfunctional pattern would go on between us each time his parents visited. With Ram Dass’s insight, I began to see that this could be a relationship challenge rather than just something Barry needed to change. We started working on this dynamic together. I became like a coach, and we would play out different scenes which we could anticipate when his father came for a visit. Rather than judging Barry for closing down, I became a very enthusiastic believer that he could express his hurt.
Finally the visit was upon us, and we had rehearsed and prepared for Barry’s dad to say something that hurt Barry. Finally, over food preparation, Barry’s dad said something that hurt. Because of my coaching and belief in him, he had a breakthrough. He confronted his dad, and there was a beautiful opening and healing between father and son. Barry had needed my help with this, not as a partner that judged and got angry, but as a partner that supported and believed in him.
Barry has similarly helped me with many of my challenges. I am not a very technical person and the computer absolutely overwhelmed me. I have written all five of our books by hand, which were then typed onto the computer by someone else. I also wrote “snail-mail” letters, rather than learning email. Barry gently encouraged me year by year to open to the computer. He also needed my help with the mounting number of emails. I agreed to try, and Barry had a major lesson in patience teaching me the computer. He would teach me something in detail and it seemed that I got it, only to have no idea the next day. I would go into a panic if something I was writing seemed to be lost into the computer by my touching the wrong key. Rarely did he run out of patience and never did he complain that I must be the slowest student of computers there ever was. He was steadfast in his devotion to turn me into a computer literate person and thanks to him I finally am, though I still have a lot to learn. I believe that if Barry would have made fun of me, or gotten angry that I was so slow in learning, I may never have learned.
Working together on any problem gives two people much more power to find a solution or bring healing. Barry and I have found that it is exciting to work on our different challenges together. Rather than saying, “You need to fix your problem,” we now try to say, “How can we work on this as a team?” This attitude always brings a deeper closeness and understanding.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Thirty years ago Barry and I had the amazing blessing of being able to spend a lot of quality time, one on one, with Ram Dass. Ram Dass, formerly Richard Alpert, was a Harvard psychology professor who left Harvard in the early sixties to seek deeper meaning in India. He then brought back eastern spiritual teachings in a form that westerners could relate to. He also used his psychology training and terrific sense of humor to teach thousands of people. Ram Dass was an important teacher to us, and we were thrilled when he moved close to us. He was writing a book, and wanted just a few people to train and counsel. He felt this would keep his skills alive and help him with his writing. Barry and I were eight of those fortunate people who went one at a time over a transformative three year period.
After several months of listening to Barry and I relate about the problems and challenges in our relationship, he made a very profound comment that has deeply affected our relationship. He said, “I sit here and listen as Barry describes all the ways he feels you should change. Then a week later I sit here and listen to you describe all the ways that Barry should change. I listen week after week and yet nothing really changes between you two. Until you realize that what you perceive as the other person’s problem is really a relationship problem you will never really grow together. As long as you think it is Barry’s challenge and you have to wait until he learns something, then your relationship stays stuck. The same is true for Barry. When you work on something together as a relationship challenge, then you will begin to make progress.”
That single bit of wisdom has profoundly affected us over all these years. An example of this was Barry’s relationship with his father. I felt that Barry needed to express his feeling to his father when his dad said or did things that hurt him. I could see Barry close down by things his father would say, and that closing down would affect me. Then I would get angry at Barry for not expressing his feelings. This dysfunctional pattern would go on between us each time his parents visited. With Ram Dass’s insight, I began to see that this could be a relationship challenge rather than just something Barry needed to change. We started working on this dynamic together. I became like a coach, and we would play out different scenes which we could anticipate when his father came for a visit. Rather than judging Barry for closing down, I became a very enthusiastic believer that he could express his hurt.
Finally the visit was upon us, and we had rehearsed and prepared for Barry’s dad to say something that hurt Barry. Finally, over food preparation, Barry’s dad said something that hurt. Because of my coaching and belief in him, he had a breakthrough. He confronted his dad, and there was a beautiful opening and healing between father and son. Barry had needed my help with this, not as a partner that judged and got angry, but as a partner that supported and believed in him.
Barry has similarly helped me with many of my challenges. I am not a very technical person and the computer absolutely overwhelmed me. I have written all five of our books by hand, which were then typed onto the computer by someone else. I also wrote “snail-mail” letters, rather than learning email. Barry gently encouraged me year by year to open to the computer. He also needed my help with the mounting number of emails. I agreed to try, and Barry had a major lesson in patience teaching me the computer. He would teach me something in detail and it seemed that I got it, only to have no idea the next day. I would go into a panic if something I was writing seemed to be lost into the computer by my touching the wrong key. Rarely did he run out of patience and never did he complain that I must be the slowest student of computers there ever was. He was steadfast in his devotion to turn me into a computer literate person and thanks to him I finally am, though I still have a lot to learn. I believe that if Barry would have made fun of me, or gotten angry that I was so slow in learning, I may never have learned.
Working together on any problem gives two people much more power to find a solution or bring healing. Barry and I have found that it is exciting to work on our different challenges together. Rather than saying, “You need to fix your problem,” we now try to say, “How can we work on this as a team?” This attitude always brings a deeper closeness and understanding.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Lack or Abundance?
Everywhere we look, there are signs of economic challenge: companies going out of business, houses not selling, rising unemployment, more and more people complaining about less and less money. This is one picture, an external reality based upon money. Is it the only picture, the only reality? Joyce and I don’t think so.
I remember first moving to Santa Cruz, CA in 1975. We wanted to rent a house with land outside of town, with quiet and seclusion for the hours of meditation we were doing each day (that was “bc,” before children). There was nothing even close to what we wanted in the local papers. We had a vision of what we wanted, and every place we saw fell short of that vision.
We visited a friend and teacher, John Lawrence, in San Francisco. John was a direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, the author of “Autobiography of a Yogi.” We told him about our difficulty finding the right place to live. He led us in a meditation and prayer. Together we did the inner work of finding our home. Then he gave great advice. He told us to place an ad in the local paper, asking for exactly what we needed. “But,” he said, “the ad is not enough. Surround the ad with your prayer, hold the ad in the great light of the universe, and visualize it reaching the eyes of the right person.” The message was clear. Neither the inner, spiritual work nor the outer material work alone is ever enough. They must be combined to achieve the highest results.
The day after placing the ad, we received calls from not one but three property owners, all with great places to show us. It was actually difficult to choose. Even the rent was acceptable: $100/month.
Then we faced our next dilemma – earning a living. We wanted to set up a “spiritually-oriented” psychotherapy practice. Every therapist we met warned us about the difficulty of starting out in an area saturated with therapists. We were told there were more therapists per capita here in Santa Cruz than most places in the world. We were told we would fail. We were met with doubt, fear, and opposition. We received unwelcoming phone calls from people we didn’t even know. One therapist, standing solemnly with hands on hips, told us in no uncertain terms to leave town.
We looked inside our hearts. We meditated and prayed for guidance. The message was again clear. What we have to offer is not being offered. We are unique. There is no one else quite like us, offering the same gifts we have. We stayed in Santa Cruz, and our practice thrived.
We all have a choice every moment. We can choose fear, but F.E.A.R. is “False Evidence Appearing Real.” There is an illusion of not enough money, just as there was an illusion of too many therapists in Santa Cruz, the lack of a quiet country home available to rent, the right partner, job, mortgage or whatever it is you want. The appearance of lack is false evidence. And when it seems real you become afraid.
We can also choose love, faith, abundance and peace. Wouldn’t it be great if the morning paper had more inspiring stories than negative ones. Wouldn’t it be great if each one of us could remember daily who we really are: souls on a great journey called life, with unlimited potential to make a real difference on this planet.
Regardless of the economic climate, we can choose to serve, to really be of help. My personal prayer each morning is simply to be of service throughout the day, to find ways to help those who need help. I love the first line of St. Francis’ famous prayer, “Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace.” There are infinite ways to be of service. Taking an extra minute to more deeply connect with the people you encounter, saying something positive or looking into their eyes to see the beauty of their souls; calling someone you don’t need to call, just to say hello; volunteering to help those in need; tithing to people or causes you believe in, even though you are worried about money. Remember, you are serving when you keep your thoughts positive, or still your mind in meditation, or take care of yourself spiritually.
When times are tough (like now) our natural tendency can be to worry, to stop generously giving, and to close in on ourselves, like hermits in a cave. If you commit to making this world a better place, you WILL be supported. Joyce and I have proved this to ourselves over and over again. We have learned that there actually is an abundance of all things available to every one of us – call it God, call it Good, call it Infinite Source, Great Spirit or whatever you like. We have learned there is sacredness to giving and receiving. If you give from your heart and soul, you will actually receive more, no matter whether you are giving money or love. Generosity opens the door to receiving. And, just as important, if you open your heart and soul to receive, trusting your worthiness and innocence, you are in fact giving more than receiving. When I receive Joyce’s love, really let it in graciously, I can see how happy it makes her. True, the giving does makes her happy, but the deeper I receive her gift of love, the happier she becomes. My receiving gives her greater joy.
When Joyce was pregnant and in labor with our three children, there were moments when she felt overwhelmed by the intensity of feelings and exhausted by the mountainous waves of contractions. She has told me that what helped her most was my reminding her that a baby was coming, a precious bundle of love would soon be in her arms. So engrossed was she in the moment that she was unable to see and feel the bigger picture.
It is the same with our current moment in history. If we can enlarge our vision, we will see our world is also in a birth process. The labor pains are not in vain. Something truly wonderful is coming. A precious new world will soon be in our arms.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
I remember first moving to Santa Cruz, CA in 1975. We wanted to rent a house with land outside of town, with quiet and seclusion for the hours of meditation we were doing each day (that was “bc,” before children). There was nothing even close to what we wanted in the local papers. We had a vision of what we wanted, and every place we saw fell short of that vision.
We visited a friend and teacher, John Lawrence, in San Francisco. John was a direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, the author of “Autobiography of a Yogi.” We told him about our difficulty finding the right place to live. He led us in a meditation and prayer. Together we did the inner work of finding our home. Then he gave great advice. He told us to place an ad in the local paper, asking for exactly what we needed. “But,” he said, “the ad is not enough. Surround the ad with your prayer, hold the ad in the great light of the universe, and visualize it reaching the eyes of the right person.” The message was clear. Neither the inner, spiritual work nor the outer material work alone is ever enough. They must be combined to achieve the highest results.
The day after placing the ad, we received calls from not one but three property owners, all with great places to show us. It was actually difficult to choose. Even the rent was acceptable: $100/month.
Then we faced our next dilemma – earning a living. We wanted to set up a “spiritually-oriented” psychotherapy practice. Every therapist we met warned us about the difficulty of starting out in an area saturated with therapists. We were told there were more therapists per capita here in Santa Cruz than most places in the world. We were told we would fail. We were met with doubt, fear, and opposition. We received unwelcoming phone calls from people we didn’t even know. One therapist, standing solemnly with hands on hips, told us in no uncertain terms to leave town.
We looked inside our hearts. We meditated and prayed for guidance. The message was again clear. What we have to offer is not being offered. We are unique. There is no one else quite like us, offering the same gifts we have. We stayed in Santa Cruz, and our practice thrived.
We all have a choice every moment. We can choose fear, but F.E.A.R. is “False Evidence Appearing Real.” There is an illusion of not enough money, just as there was an illusion of too many therapists in Santa Cruz, the lack of a quiet country home available to rent, the right partner, job, mortgage or whatever it is you want. The appearance of lack is false evidence. And when it seems real you become afraid.
We can also choose love, faith, abundance and peace. Wouldn’t it be great if the morning paper had more inspiring stories than negative ones. Wouldn’t it be great if each one of us could remember daily who we really are: souls on a great journey called life, with unlimited potential to make a real difference on this planet.
Regardless of the economic climate, we can choose to serve, to really be of help. My personal prayer each morning is simply to be of service throughout the day, to find ways to help those who need help. I love the first line of St. Francis’ famous prayer, “Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace.” There are infinite ways to be of service. Taking an extra minute to more deeply connect with the people you encounter, saying something positive or looking into their eyes to see the beauty of their souls; calling someone you don’t need to call, just to say hello; volunteering to help those in need; tithing to people or causes you believe in, even though you are worried about money. Remember, you are serving when you keep your thoughts positive, or still your mind in meditation, or take care of yourself spiritually.
When times are tough (like now) our natural tendency can be to worry, to stop generously giving, and to close in on ourselves, like hermits in a cave. If you commit to making this world a better place, you WILL be supported. Joyce and I have proved this to ourselves over and over again. We have learned that there actually is an abundance of all things available to every one of us – call it God, call it Good, call it Infinite Source, Great Spirit or whatever you like. We have learned there is sacredness to giving and receiving. If you give from your heart and soul, you will actually receive more, no matter whether you are giving money or love. Generosity opens the door to receiving. And, just as important, if you open your heart and soul to receive, trusting your worthiness and innocence, you are in fact giving more than receiving. When I receive Joyce’s love, really let it in graciously, I can see how happy it makes her. True, the giving does makes her happy, but the deeper I receive her gift of love, the happier she becomes. My receiving gives her greater joy.
When Joyce was pregnant and in labor with our three children, there were moments when she felt overwhelmed by the intensity of feelings and exhausted by the mountainous waves of contractions. She has told me that what helped her most was my reminding her that a baby was coming, a precious bundle of love would soon be in her arms. So engrossed was she in the moment that she was unable to see and feel the bigger picture.
It is the same with our current moment in history. If we can enlarge our vision, we will see our world is also in a birth process. The labor pains are not in vain. Something truly wonderful is coming. A precious new world will soon be in our arms.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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