Joyce and I have come up with what we feel are 40 of the most important ingredients of a healthy relationship. We’ve put them into the following self-evaluation checklist so that both you and your partner can honestly rate your relationship, and then compare checklists to not only talk about the weak areas or the discrepancies in your ratings, but also celebrate your strengths. Some of the items may be difficult to discuss. It’s not uncommon for couples to have never discussed some of these issues. If you have trouble communicating, it’s important get help in the form of individual counseling sessions or a couple’s workshop.
Please make copies of this checklist so both of you can fill one out separately and then compare answers. After each item, write two numbers. The first number indicates your level of satisfaction, with 0 equaling no satisfaction, 5 average, and 10 complete satisfaction. Then write a second number that you think/feel represents your partner’s level of satisfaction.
The depth of our communication together:
The expression of my appreciation for my partner:
My partner’s expression of his/her appreciation for me:
The way I show affection:
The way my partner shows affection:
My expression of my need for my partner’s love:
My partner’s expression of her/his need for my love:
The way I listen to my partner:
The way my partner listens to me:
My trust in my partner:
My partner’s trust in me:
My commitment to my partner:
My partner’s commitment to me:
My emotional safety:
My partner’s emotional safety:
Our process of decision making:
The way we work together as a team:
My acceptance of my partner’s differences:
My partner’s acceptance of my differences:
Our conflict management:
My admitting to being wrong:
My partner’s admitting to being wrong:
How I see/honor the child inside my partner:
How my partner sees/honors the child inside me:
My partner’s support of my dreams/goals:
My support of my partner’s dreams/goals:
The way we share spiritual ideas and practices:
Our sexual relationship:
The priority the relationship is for me:
The priority the relationship is for my partner:
How I take care of myself as an individual:
How my partner takes care of him/herself as an individual:
How we manage money together:
My generosity with my partner:
My partner’s generosity with me:
My relationship with my partner’s family:
My partner’s relationship with my family.
How well we play together:
How well we sleep together:
The amount of laughter in our relationship:
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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