Conscious Codependence

Codependent behavior can destroy relationships and produce much
unhappiness. There are recovery groups all over the world dedicated to
helping people with this often crippling personal and relationship dynamic.
How do we heal codependence?

I need to begin with a good definition of this term? Codependence literally
means “dependence together,” or mutual dependence. Originating in the
twelve-step recovery movement, it was used to describe how an individual,
by either action or inaction, perpetuates a partner or spouse’s addiction
or harmful behavior. The classic example is the wife who is in denial of
her husband’s alcoholism. Perhaps she tries harder to love him, or she
tries to control his drinking by emptying the liquor bottles down the sink.
The codependent person has usually learned in childhood to make another
person’s needs more important than their own, and therefore often becomes
a caretaker of others to the detriment of themselves.

However, I have developed a broader definition of codependence as
unconscious need or dependence upon another person. It is, in a way, a
refusal to acknowledge the importance of our own emotional needs. To a
degree, this definition applies to all of us.

Interdependence, on the other hand, is the awareness of our need for one
another. Embracing our interdependence brings more love and consciousness
into all of our relationships.

There is a vast difference between feeling our need for another (an aspect
of interdependence) and expecting or demanding another to fill that need
(an aspect of codependence). Interdependence implies taking responsibility
for our feelings, desires and actions. When we don't take responsibility
for our feelings, a codependent interaction is the result. For example, the
other day I felt annoyed with Joyce because I couldn't find my slippers and
was convinced she had put them away. In my unconscious mind, I wanted and
expected Joyce ("Mommy") to take care of my inner child. If, in that
moment, I could have recognized that my need for love was far greater than
my need for my slippers, it’s possible I could’ve been vulnerable with
Joyce, and thus had a loving connection with her. When we touch this
conscious awareness of our need for another, we touch the joy of
interdependence – and we heal our codependence.

Another example of codependence is the mother who complains to her grown
children that they don't telephone her enough. (I’m not pointing fingers
here!) Her complaining is an unconscious cover-up for her need for their
love and attention. The result is often not what she wants: her children
feel guilty or angry, and end up calling her even less. If she can be more
emotionally honest and simply share her need for love and connection with
her family, her honesty will give her the best possible chance of receiving
what she needs.

Our codependence can often be traced to our inner child's need for love,
our fear of that need not being met, and our protective mechanism (my anger
over my slippers and the mother's complaining) to keep this vulnerable
child hidden from view – and therefore protected from possible hurt or
rejection. The healing comes when we find the courage to make peace with
the needs of our vulnerable inner child.

It is healthy to feel our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual
needs for others, because this represents a humble acceptance of where we
stand as human beings. It is unhealthy, however, to project those needs
onto someone else and expect or demand that they do something about them.
This projection is manipulative and is the root of codependent behavior. It
is looking outside of ourselves for the source of our happiness. We will
never find it out there. The healthy position is to feel both our human
need for love as well as the divine source of that love in ourselves and in
others.

Joyce and I certainly have our share of codependence. When we eat at a
restaurant and the waiter comes over to ask Joyce if she wants something to
drink, she will automatically turn towards me to see if I want something to
drink. And I will turn toward Joyce if the waiter asks me if I want
something. Yes, perhaps it can be seen as being polite, but there’s an
unconscious element to it as well, as if neither one of us can make a
decision for ourselves.

Then there’s the clothing we wear. One beautifully sunny day, we parked
at the beach to walk our dogs. I decided it was warm enough to leave my
sweatshirt in the car, and tried to convince Joyce that she didn’t need
to bring her sweatshirt either. She decided to bring it anyway. I actually
got slightly annoyed because I had just locked the car. Now I felt I had to
unlock the car to retrieve my own sweatshirt. Even though I didn’t want
it, Joyce was bringing hers and that meant, for me, that I had to bring
mine too!

Is that codependent or what? Before long, we started laughing at the
absurdity of this codependent interaction. We were able to laugh because we
became conscious of our own codependence. And because of this awareness, it
was no longer codependence. Through our laughing awareness, our
codependence became transformed into interdependence.

We need to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves about our codependence,
our unconscious ways of relating. Yet our eventual healing and fulfillment
lies in accepting our interdependence, the awareness that we are not alone
on this planet. We need each other very much. Our survival as a species
depends on our interdependence. We can only survive through love and
cooperation ... and acceptance of our need for one another as well as our
need to give to one another.

---

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.

February 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE. $225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299. Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839 thesourceabq.com

March 5-6
REDWOOD VALLEY COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $450 (includes meals and camping). $500 after Feb 25. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.

March 12-13
SEATTLE, WA (SINGLES & COUPLES)
South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213.

March 27-April 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option, includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…

April 13-17
PERSONAL MENTORSHIP ENDING RETREAT. Aptos, CA ... more info

April 30-May 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.

May 13-15
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.

May 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.

June 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info

June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.

July 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.

July 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…

October 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.

October 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt.
Please click on SharedHeart.org for inspiring articles about
relationship and consciousness, as well as our schedule.