"The Power of Showing Up"

“The amount we receive back within our hearts from helping

is much more than the time or money that we give.” 

There has been much in the news about the tragedies affecting millions of people. In my life, I hardly remember a time when so much has been happening to so many people in such a short period of time.  There have been major fires in Oregon, Montana, Washington and Northern California, Hurricane Harvey in Texas, category 5 hurricane in Florida affecting Georgia and North Carolina, Cuba Puerto Rico,  and Barbuda Island, and two devastating earthquakes in Mexico. Wow, that is a lot!! I was listening to a news reporter in Texas listing all of the destruction, and then he started talking about all of the volunteers who have showed up to help, and he started to cry. Through tears, he said that he has never seen humanity show up in such beautiful ways to be of service and help others in need.  Without these volunteer helpers, it would have been a much worse tragedy.

Twenty seven years ago, our family experienced a 7.1 earthquake that totally destroyed our home while we were all in it.  It was a blessing that both Barry and I, our two young girls, and infant son survived. After struggling to get out of the house, we stood on our country dirt road when, within minutes, a motorcycle roared up the road, and the man asked if we were OK. I could tell that he would have done anything to help us. We sent him down the road to an elderly couple who needed the help more than we did.

Within 48 hours, word got out about our homeless situation, and a friend found a house for us to rent. Another friend got a moving truck and thirty people showed up to help us. Most of our possessions were destroyed by the earthquake, but some things could be found and saved, like our clothes, pots, some furniture and books. Those thirty people helped to move us to the new house. I was still in shock and had to carry full-time my infant son who was traumatized by the earthquake. So I could not help. But those volunteers, many of whom I did not even know, did everything, provided food for us, and helped our daughters to feel safe by sifting through the rubble to find treasured toys and dolls.  

Our oldest daughter’s middle school made an announcement for help. A teacher volunteered to come each morning and pick up Rami at our new home which was now forty minutes from the school. And the parents in Rami’s school raised $2,000 for us which helped tremendously as the new rent was four times the cost of our destroyed home.

I often think of the earthquake and, yes, it was a terrible experience, but I also think of the helpers and how much they gave. Many of these people also sustained damage to their homes, but since ours was so much worse, they concentrated on helping us first.

Nineteen years ago, we were traveling in British Columbia with our nine-year-old son. We were having a wonderful time exploring in our truck camper.  We were way out in the wilderness going down a steep hill with a sharp hairpin turn when we noticed a large camper upside down on the side of the road. Even though we were rushing to get to a booked glacier tour, we stopped immediately. There in the upside-down camper, still buckled into their seats and hanging upside-down, was an older couple who were in shock. Standing next to this destroyed camper was another older couple who were part of the caravan. They told us that their friends’ brakes had failed and the camper had flipped. We were the first on the scene.

Barry, being a medical doctor, quickly assessed that the couple had no serious injuries, but were in shock and disbelief. He helped them out of the camper. Another couple stopped and said they would quickly drive to the nearest town two hours away and call for help. We stayed with these people for hours, helping them to get out of their camper to the safety of the other camper. All four of these elderly people needed help and support. None of them were doing well emotionally. We talked with them, held their hands, and comforted them. We reminded them again and again that they were all unharmed and that it was just the camper that was now gone.  It seemed like we didn’t do that much, but they kept saying over and over again that we were like angels to them.  Even our young son was being so reassuring to them. No one else stopped even though many passed.

We missed the paid-for adventure, but we got something so much more. Our hearts felt full as we finally drove off. Our son remarked, “I know we missed going out on the glacier, but this was a better experience. My heart feels happy that we were able to comfort those people.”

I feel that we always need to be ready to stop and help when we see a need. There is always the temptation to follow your schedule and feel you do not have the time or that you probably could not do that much. But the love and support of others means so much. And even if you are far away from the disaster, giving money and sending prayers also help so much. The amount we receive back within our hearts from helping is much more than the time or money that we give. 

On my Facebook, I saw a short video of Mr. Rogers giving advice to children in case they are ever in a scary situation. He said, “If you look for the helpers, you will know there is hope. The helpers will always be there.” How beautiful if we could be one of those helpers.    

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

Oct 11-17, 2017 — Assisi Retreat, Italy

Feb 4-11, 2018 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island

Jul 22-27, 2018 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call 831-684-2299 for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

"The Many Opportunities to Trust"

Imagine if we could completely trust that we are guided, protected and completely loved by an unseen higher power, that all that happens is a gift bringing us closer to God and our angels. I imagine that life would be peaceful and joyful.

This complete trust is not easy for anyone. I started a practice to help me with this. Each day, I thank God for each opportunity to trust. Lately, a lot of these opportunities have been coming up, and it is a challenge for me to remember to trust.  

One year ago, I was driving Barry to his appointment for a partial knee replacement. This is no small surgery and we both were nervous. Being medically trained, we are always aware of the things that can go wrong. While driving, I mentioned to Barry that I wanted to give thanks for this opportunity to trust whatever happened on that day. I hoped I could see each event in the day as part of the gift of trusting. He agreed.

We were a few minutes late for the 6am appointment, so while I parked the car, Barry left to go inside. As he was walking away, I called after him, “Remember, I want to say a prayer for you right before surgery.”  Barry thanked me and went through the door. I quickly parked the car and rushed inside. Barry was gone. As soon as he had walked into the door they rushed him into the pre-op room. The woman behind the desk handed me a bunch of papers and had me fill them out. As soon as I brought them back, I urgently said, “I really need to be with my husband. It’s important that I say a prayer for him right before he goes into surgery.” 

“Yes, of course,” she said, “Just wait over there.” My desire was so strong for Barry to hear my prayer right before his surgery, that after ten minutes I again went up and asked the woman behind the desk. “Yes, yes,” just have a seat we’ll call you.

Forty-five minutes went by and finally I was called. I practically ran into the room to Barry. He looked up at me with blurry drug-induced eyes and could barely mumble. I questioned the anesthesiologist standing by him, who said, “Oh, we already started the anesthesia.” She then handed me a form to sign and, while I was signing it for Barry, they whisked him away. “What about my prayer for him,” I said as I went running after his stretcher. By the time I caught up, Barry was unconscious and they slid him into the operating room and closed the door.

I returned to the car deeply disappointed. I had wanted to say a heartfelt prayer for Barry, and it was vitally important to me that he hear the prayer before the surgery. On the verge of tears, I remembered that I had told him that no matter what happened that day we were going to trust. This was the place to start. I said my prayer for Barry out loud in the car and I felt thankful for this opportunity to trust, even though it had not gone the way I wanted.

The following months held other opportunities for trusting. He had an allergic reaction to every anti-inflammatory drug he took, and could hardly eat for weeks, losing much weight and strength. He also could not tolerate pain medications. But throughout all of this we practiced trusting.

Now, one year later, Barry can walk without any pain. All the hardship of the surgery and recovery made him even more compassionate than he already was, and brought the two of us closer than we ever have been. We have greater appreciation of our remaining time and health.  

Thanking God for every opportunity to trust is a powerful practice. This year has brought a loss of an important relationship in our lives. This is not something that we ever wanted or could have foreseen, and it has been very painful. Yet even in the midst of the pain I am reminded of this practice. Maybe we don’t understand something, but that does not mean that we cannot give thanks for the opportunity to trust. It is gratitude that opens the door to a deeper trust.

I read about a woman who had to be evacuated from her home quickly since there was a massive fire racing toward her neighborhood. As she was fleeing from her home, she looked back and saw the fire bearing down upon each home in her neighborhood. This woman was also practicing giving thanks for opportunities to trust. Out loud in her car, she gave thanks to God for giving her this opportunity to practice full trust. She then drove away and assumed her home of twenty five years would be gone for good. Two days later she received a call from the fire department. By a complete miracle her home was the only one still standing. Nothing was disturbed by the fire. Was this just a random coincidence or was this due to her act of complete thankfulness and trust?  No one will ever know of course. But for that woman, her trust was greatly deepened.  

Things are never going to go just the way we want them. Friends could betray us, illnesses could come, accidents could happen and any number of other painful things. But the act of giving thanks for each opportunity to trust can see us through the most difficult of times, help to bring peace, and remind us that we are all here on the earth to learn, love, help others and remember to trust.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

Oct 11-17 — Assisi Retreat, Italy

Feb 4-11, 2018 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call 831-684-2299 or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

"Can Our Light be Totally Eclipsed?"

A few weeks ago, Joyce and I got to experience the total eclipse high in the mountains of Idaho, in the exact center of the “zone of totality.” It was, for us, the experience of a lifetime. In our seventy-one years of living, there have been other major eclipses, but we have never been in their direct paths. And not since the year 1257 has there been a total eclipse that has passed across the whole of what is now the United States.

Would we have traveled a thousand miles just to see an eclipse? Probably not. So we bundled the eclipse with a favorite river trip, the Main Salmon River in Idaho, a magnificent 80-mile journey through one of the largest wilderness area in America. We were able to find a permit to start on the river trip three days after the eclipse, loaded up our camper with river gear, and began our adventure north from our home near Santa Cruz, CA, which, by the way, completely missed seeing anything of the eclipse due to heavy fog.

Joyce and I would have preferred to only experience the high moments of both the eclipse and the river trip. Part of life, however, is dealing with setbacks and challenges. And the real test of life is how we react to these difficult experiences. We do have a choice. We can get bummed out, angry and depressed; or choose the path of happiness, and accept what life offers us, even be grateful for the challenges.

So, heading up into the Sawtooth Mountains of Idaho on Sunday, August 20, the day before the eclipse, we started to hear an engine noise that didn’t sound right. I looked under the hood, and it didn’t look good. There was a scraping sound coming from one of the pulleys, and the increased friction was burning the belt, spraying black rubber debris. We had two choices. Turn back toward Boise and civilization, and miss the full experience of the eclipse; or try to make it to our destination of the tiny mountain village of Stanley with a population of 63, and hope to find a repair shop. We took the risk to push on to a location about fifteen minutes south of Stanley that night to be in perfect position for the eclipse the following morning. That night, it was difficult to sleep because the ominous noise had gotten even louder.

In the morning, we hiked up a vast, open meadow along a small creek and found a cozy patch of grass to sit and wait. We were totally alone, away from the crowds gathered on the sides of the road, and the vendors selling eclipse T-shirts and other paraphernalia. Despite our concern about the truck, we were excited. We wanted to not only experience the eclipse, but also to use this very rare event, this perfect lining up of sun, moon and earth, to rededicate ourselves to our purpose here on this planet … to give and receive love, and remember the great source of that love.

It was late morning, and the sun was already heating up the land. Even at 6250 feet elevation, it was still warm, in the seventies.

Joyce asked, “How dark is it supposed to get?”

I didn’t have the right information, so I guessed, “I think the light of the sun will be completely blocked. We may not be able to even see each other.” I read somewhere that stars may even be visible. I turned out to be wrong.

We closed our eyes for a meditation. I alternated between peaceful quiet and anxious thoughts about what could be wrong with the truck, and getting it fixed in time for our river trip. There always seems to be something to worry about, something to compete with a peaceful meditation. Finally, we held hands and spoke prayers of gratitude and rededication, and a prayer for our truck. Nothing is too small for prayer.

I looked at my watch. We still had about twenty minutes of waiting. Curious, I took out my filter and looked at the sun. I gasped. It looked like something had taken a bite out of it. About a quarter of the sun was gone. I had no idea it had started. Every few minutes I checked. The sun was gradually being covered by the moon, and yet there was no change in the lighting.

Finally, things started to change. An eerie dimness, with amazingly sharp shadows. Some colors of sunset started forming in the sky and on the mountains. The birds stopped singing. Our two golden retrievers came close to us and sat there, seeming a bit confused, like the birds perhaps were. Then the sunset disappeared into dusk. I checked the sun. All that remained was a near perfect ring, or corona, of light. Joyce and I could still see each other in the dim light. And we couldn’t see any stars. The moon was precisely in the center of the sun, but could not block all the light.

Perhaps it’s the same with us. We think our light can be completely blocked out by dark thoughts, but the presence of the light can never be completely hidden. The light is so much more powerful than the dark, and can never be totally eclipsed.

We would have loved to just sit there entranced by this other-worldly phenomenon, but suddenly the temperature plummeted. We scrambled to put on more clothes to get warm. Yet again, another seeming distraction to take us out of our reverie. Or perhaps this is the natural pull of the earth to help us keep our feet on the ground, not unlike thoughts of our truck repair that also bring us back to earth.

Then, after a few minutes, a sunrise that lasted seconds, then a brightening light and warmth, birds singing, dogs relaxing, and two people taking off their extra clothes. If we can just be similarly patient with our minds, all eclipses will be short-lived, and the light will always return.

After the eclipse, we drove into Stanley, where we found out there were a total of two auto mechanics and one was away fishing. The other mechanic, with the appropriate Idaho name of “Spud” printed on his shirt, quickly confirmed that our vacuum pump was failing, and we should not drive our old truck more than just locally. Our river trip put-in was August 24, three days away and four hours’ drive north. If we didn’t start our river trip on that day, we would forfeit our permit. Dear Spud got on the phone, found a new pump in Denver and ordered it. He said it “should” arrive in two days. We could only pray it would. And pray we did.

The truck part came in on time. We made it to our river put-in, and had a mostly wonderful river adventure. The not-so-wonderful parts of the trip were just some more eclipses, temporarily blocking the good … and bringing us back down to earth, where our feet could be firmly planted like the roots of a healthy tree.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

Oct 11-17 — Assisi Retreat, Italy

Feb 4-11, 2018 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island

Jul 22-27, 2018 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call 831-684-2299 or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

"The 3 Parts of Relationship Commitment"

What does it mean to be fully committed in a monogamous relationship? The traditional meaning has to do with focusing your romantic energies only upon your partner. You are not committed if you have “one foot outside the door,” meaning you are still available for romantic relationship with another person. I use the term “romantic” to include sexual relationships as well. You are committed if you are sure you are with the right person, or feel there is no one else out there who can better fulfil your needs. Most people understand this definition of commitment.

But there are more subtle definitions of commitment. You are also committed when your beloved is clearly number one in your life. This involves not only other people, but also everything else in your life. For example, you are fully committed when your partner is more important than your career or your hobbies. After Joyce followed me to Nashville, and then to Los Angeles for my medical education, I assumed she would follow me to Portland for my internship and residency in psychiatry. That assumption, however, proved that my medical career was a higher priority than my marriage. Joyce, meanwhile, had a wonderful job in LA, and chose to stay. Her powerful choice directly confronted my lack of commitment to her. I realized that being with Joyce was more important than my medical career. I told her I would stay in LA, get a job for a year, and then reapply locally to continue my career. That’s all she needed to hear. She quit her job the next day and told me she was joining me in Portland. I even tried to talk her out of her decision. But she was firm. She just needed to see that I was more committed to her than to my career. Then she could show me that being with me was more important than her job.

Hobbies, sports, and other activities can sometimes get in the way of commitment. I love river trips. I especially love sharing them with Joyce. And she is very willing to go with me, but just not as many as I would like. I recently hurt her feelings by wanting to go on another river trip by myself, shortly after we returned from one. The pressure I put on her made her feel that the river trip was more important than she was. The truth is, she is vastly more important than any river trip I could ever take. When I show her this, she feels my commitment, and is usually happy to make plans that work for both of us.

Another indication of commitment: You are fully committed when you have no hidden secrets. An example is an emotional affair, which by definition is a secret relationship that includes non-sexual intimacy. It’s the secrecy that causes the deepest pain and damages the commitment. Same is true for pornography.

A little-known ingredient of commitment is the awareness of your need for your partner’s love. Early in my relationship with Joyce, I was not aware of my need for her. I knew I loved her, and I chose to be with her. But “need,” that was a four-letter word as negative to me as some other words I need not mention. I clearly told her that I didn’t need her love, which hurt her deeply. Because of this, I was not fully committed to her. Now that I have made peace with my inner child who needs Joyce’s love, my commitment to her is more complete.

But there’s more to commitment. There’s a higher commitment than to a person. It’s the commitment to your own heart and soul, to God, your higher self. It’s a commitment to trust in the goodness of the universe, to be aware of the source of the light and energy that you use. Without this commitment, there can be no real commitment to a partner. It’s a bit like the flight attendant’s announcement, “Put your own oxygen mask on first, before you put masks on your children or family members.” You can help no one if you pass out from hypoxia.

We see many couples where one partner feels they are fully committed to the relationship, but complains that the other partner is not committed to them. All too often, the one “fully committed to the relationship” is not enough committed to themselves, and especially to their highest good. We typically hear, “I’m committed to God (Source, Higher Power, Divine Love, call it what you want) and to my partner.” But what’s missing is a commitment to self, which is construed as being “selfish.” But I must say, there has to be just enough selfishness in every relationship. Not enough selfishness communicates that your partner is more important than you are. Too much selfishness communicates that you are more important than your beloved.

And what about a relationship that is no longer serving either person? Is it a failed commitment when two persons separate? Not necessarily. Joyce and I believe the only relationship failure is throwing someone out of your heart. Ending a relationship is not a failure. You fail when you close your heart to the goodness of your ex. Sure, you may be angry and disappointed, but villainizing him or her only hurts you. Instead, create a new commitment, a commitment to hold on to the good that was there in the relationship, a commitment to bless this person to find happiness.

So you could look at commitment as having three parts: 1. Commitment to something bigger than your personal self (the spiritual commitment). 2. Commitment to yourself (the personal commitment). And 3. Commitment to your partner (the relationship commitment). When all three are in balance, then there is real commitment.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

Oct 11-17 — Assisi Retreat, Italy

Feb 4-11, 2018 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call 831-684-2299 or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.