Monday, February 28, 2011

Feeling Joy in Difficult Times

Experiencing joy in life is essential to our health and well being. Joy is as important as eating, sleeping and exercise. Joy can open our hearts to our love and spirituality, giving us a valuable perspective on a troubling situation. Joy is essential to relationships. It is easy to experience joy when everything is going well. But it is even more important in the difficult times.

I knew Christmas would be a harder time for me. This was the first Christmas in my life that I would not be with my mother, who passed from this world four months before. Following advice from Hospice, I let go of certain tasks and events that would add extra stress. I planned a “stress-free” Christmas with just our immediate family of five. We were all looking forward to our son coming home from his first year of college. For the first time ever, our three children would cook Christmas dinner for us while we relaxed. The presents were all bought months before. This looked like it could be a simple, joyful time with my family. We were going to honor my mom by each lighting a candle and saying what we most treasured about Grandma.

We can plan and plan our lives into neat packages, and then life seems to throw us a curve. The curve came in the form of a tragic accident on December 15th, 2007. I have a very dear friend of 33 years, Nancy Grace, who also was the musician for all of my women’s retreat for the past 28 years, and many of our couple’s retreats. She was hit by a speeding car while out walking her dog. She was airlifted to a major trauma center in San Jose, semi-comatose and with brain injuries.

Of course I prayed like never before for her healing. But in between my times of prayer, I felt so sad. What would life possibly be like without Nancy? I was already facing a Christmas without my beloved mother and now this. After several days of being in a very sad place, I had to have a talk with myself. Nancy was such a joyous and grateful person, she was able to find joy in even the smallest ways. She loved to laugh with reckless abandon, even to the point of snorting, and even in her sorrows she was able to find something to be joyful about. I realized I must honor her by also finding joy.

Gratitude is often a doorway into a joyful feeling. I began to look for ways to be grateful in every part of my life. As I practiced gratitude every day, I also began to feel joy once again, which led to a deeper connection with Nancy spiritually. Before, I was praying from a desperate place. Now with the essential ingredient of joy back in my life, I was praying from a much deeper place of trust. Everyday there are still many sad moments around my friend’s accident, but having the discipline to look for joyful moments also gave strength to my life. It is sad to see my dear friend in such an extreme medical condition, but I try to bring as much joy to these hospital visits as possible. She cannot speak yet, but her one open eye sparkles at some of the joyful memories. Joy is a good medicine.

I remember that even when I was caring for my dying mother this past year, it was so important to feel joy. Without that ingredient, her care seemed like a burden at times. Rather than focusing on her steady decline, helpless condition, and all that must be done to care for her, I tried to focus on my gratitude and joy to have such a wonderful mother. Toward the very end I was able to find joy in knowing that she was excited to go to her new heaven home. I still cried and had all the natural human emotions when a loved one dies, but I also had joy and gratitude.

Sometimes Barry and I face difficult challenges in our work or personal lives. We find that if we talk about it too much, it can actually seem worse than it is; we feel down and we walk around dragging our feet. We have learned that when this happens we need to take a “joy walk.”

While we are walking our dogs in the fields and woods around our property, we agree to talk only about that which brings us joy. At first it can be rather silent between us, because our minds are still busy thinking about the challenge or particular sadness. But then one of us starts mentioning something that brings us joy and soon the conversation is flowing with wonderful parts of our lives. The last ten minutes of the walk we usually revisit the challenge. We find that the time away in a joyful space has brought fresh new perspective and understanding. What once had seemed overwhelming to us, now seems solvable.

Few of us can imagine not eating, drinking or sleeping. Well, joy needs to be part of that essential life survival kit. Experiencing joy brings us closer to our spirituality, the essential part of who we are. Joy needs to be part of even the most difficult situations in life. Allowing our hearts to feel joy and gratitude brings forth the spiritual power within us, and allows us to be more effective in the difficult times that we all face.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Hidden Fear of Abandonment

There is perhaps no deeper fear in the human experience than the fear of abandonment. Joyce and I have not met anyone who does not have this fear. Many people are to some extent unconsciously ruled by it, others severely crippled by it. But everyone has this fear in various degrees and must at some time in their lives confront it.

It is impossible to avoid some degree of abandonment while grow­ing up. None of us had perfect parents who attended to our every need. Most of us cried in fear and pain and the need for love, but instead may have been placed in a crib, or had our diapers changed, or had a bottle or pacifier stuck in our mouth. Yet our deeper need was simply to be held and loved. No human parent can be there for us all the time.

With most of us, however, the fear of abandonment often expresses itself in hidden ways. Especially when we are unconscious of this particular fear, its expression can be subtle and camouflaged.

Have you ever known someone who never seemed to get enough from you? Who even made you feel guilty that you weren’t giving enough to them, or a good enough friend? Or how about someone who seemed to often test you by pushing away your love? Look deeper and you will see their fear of abandonment.

Here are three more examples involving couples:

Gavin was occasionally late coming home from work. Mia would get increasingly nervous for the first fifteen minutes and then, sometime shortly after the fifteen minute mark, she would panic. Then, when Gavin would finally arrive home, he would be met with outright anger that caused him to be afraid. Mia admitted she was over-reacting and Gavin felt he didn’t deserve that strong a reaction.

With Joyce’s and my help, Mia could see her hidden fear of abandonment expressing through the nervousness, panic, and then the anger. And Gavin remembered the pain of his childhood when his mother got angry at him, locked him in his room, and then left. He had the irrational but nevertheless painful image of Mia leaving him. Fear of abandonment was expressing through both of them. Gavin understood how important it was for him to therefore call Mia if he was approaching that magical fifteen minute lateness marker.

Ava complained that Nathan inevitably withdrew after moments of intimacy. It was especially painful to her after lovemaking, when she felt the most vulnerable. She felt pushed away by him at times when she was needing the most closeness. Her own fear of abandonment was obviously playing out in these circumstances, but both of them failed to see Nathan’s fear of abandonment. Joyce and I pointed out that intimacy and closeness brings up feelings of attachment and dependence, which in turn bring up the fear of abandonment. Nathan and Ava were able to work together and bring healing to their relationship. Their mutual awareness of both of their fears of abandonment allowed them each to reassure the other. Their key phrase that they spoke especially in intimate moments: “I’m committed to being here for you.”

In our third example, Brandon was unhappy at how tightly Alexis seemed to hold on to him. Sometimes she literally squeezed him so tightly he felt he could barely breathe. He also felt squeezed emotionally and mentally, that Alexis constantly wanted to know his feelings and thoughts, and wanted to be with him too much. Alexis, meanwhile, felt shut out by Brandon. He seemed to be pushing too hard for autonomy, like separate bank accounts, separate rooms in the house, more and more privacy.

By now I’m sure you’ve guessed correctly. That’s right, the hidden fear of abandonment expressing through both of them. Alexis, by her squeezing and control of Brandon, and Brandon, by his fear of intimacy, attachment, and dependence.

As you can see, sometimes the fear of abandonment is more obvious in one person in a relationship. Look deeper, however, and you will see the universality of this fear. Then, as a couple, this can be a shared healing opportunity rather than a his or her problem.

In our work with the issue of abandonment, we have come up with three fundamental steps in the healing process. All of these steps culminate in one crucial activity, regardless of where our fear originated or how severe it is — healing our fear of abandonment ultimately depends on our refusal to abandon ourselves. Still, as couples, we have the extraordinary opportunity to help one another to overcome this fear by being more fully present for ourselves and our partner.

1. Become conscious of our fear of being left alone. It becomes easier to do this as we learn to accept and feel the small child within ourselves, the part that is vulnerable and scared of being abandoned. We need to also see how this fear manifests in our life and relationships. This can be a painful process, because the ego-games we have previously played to protect ourselves from pain now become transparent. We can no longer pretend to only be strong, independent and invulnerable.

2. Find a deeper level of responsibility. It requires that we look within ourselves and discover the ways that we abandon ourselves. Some things can be done about the abandonment that comes from the outside but, if we stop abandoning ourselves from within, the exter­nal abandonments will not have the same influence upon us. How do we abandon ourselves? By not listening to our inner voice, the promptings of our higher knowing. By expecting all our needs to be met by our partner or someone else. By not nurturing and taking care of ourselves. By not saying “no” when we need to. By giving in to feelings of unworthiness. By giving our power to our partner. By the thousands of ways we leave or ignore our own heart.

3. Stop this unhealthy process of self-abandonment. Follow a path of personal and spiritual growth, practice being gentler and kinder to ourselves, and especially strive to accept and give love to our own inner child. It is easy to judge ourselves harshly when we slip into self-abandonment. As we focus more on correcting our own self-abandonment, rather than correcting everyone else’s abandonment of us, we become empowered and grow in spiritual maturity. Striving to be there for ourselves as well as our loved one, rather than being preoccupied with our loved one being there for us, we are doing the most to heal our fear of abandonment.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Different Way to Prepare for Retirement

A young couple in their mid twenties attended our week-long couple’s retreat in Hawaii. They were obviously very much in love and had been married for only one year. Barry and I were delighted that they had chosen to attend the retreat and allocate the time and money to really work on their relationship. When asked “Why?” they responded, “We’ve made a commitment to attend one couples retreat every year. This is the most important way we’re going to plan for our retirement. When we retire in 40 years we want to be as much in love as we are right now.” What beautiful wisdom, coming from such a young couple.

A few weeks ago we were with several people of retirement age. Barry and I are almost of retirement age, but we don’t plan on retiring for at least twenty more years. Why retire from something that we love so much. Anyway, these people were all talking about their retirement packages, 401-k’s, Roth IRA’s, SEP IRA’s, stocks and funds, etc. One person mentioned that they only have one million dollars for their retirement and they are worried. Another mentioned that they have almost two million but feel they need more. The conversation went on and on, with the two of us becoming more and more quiet. Our retirement funds are so small it almost isn’t worth mentioning. We have been busy giving our three children the best education possible, and doing the work that bring us the most fulfillment.

When we were alone again, we talked about the conversations we had just witnessed. At first, our minds thought there must be something terribly wrong with the way we had been living our lives. Then the wisdom of our hearts replaced those thoughts, and we realized that love is our real wealth. Much like the young couple that came to our retreat, our goal has always been to experience a deeper and deeper growing love with each other. As a doctor and nurse, we have put off possible high incomes in our respective fields, for a much reduced income and work that we are truly passionate about, work that allows us to go deeper into our love. Yes, our financial retirement plan is nothing to brag about, but our love retirement plan has been abundantly growing.

There is nothing wrong with making money and having a comfortable retirement plan. However many people do this to the detriment of their relationships, as well as living their purpose here on earth. I know a man who was obsessed with making money. He wanted to be sure that he had enough when it was his turn to retire. He worked very long hours, and did not want to take vacations. Locked away in his office, he missed much of his children’s growing up. His wife begged him to not work so much and spend more time with her and the children. He always came back with the same line, “We need to have enough money when we retire, then we will go on trips and have all the fun that you want.”

His children grew up and moved far away, and still this man continued to work extra long hours at the office. By now he was a very wealthy man, but he kept feeling that they needed more money. His workaholism had become his lifestyle. He had forfeited his freedom and joy.
Then he started noticing that his wife seemed to be forgetting things more than usual. He also noticed that the house was not as neat as she had always kept it. She was not taking as good care of her appearance either. He tried to ignore these signs by working more at the office. Finally he could ignore his wife’s deterioration no more. He came home one day and found a small fire on the stove. She had left the pot on a high burner. He took her to a doctor and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor suggested that she be placed in a caring institution right away, as she could hurt herself if left alone.

The man retired with all of his great wealth. He now spends each day going to visit his wife, who no longer recognizes him. His children are estranged and angry with him for never being there for them. What good did all that extra time at the office do? True, he has an abundance of money, but no happy memories of his family to go with it.

When planning for your retirement, balance is the most important. If you think in terms of money only, you will miss the mark. Call it a new model of diversified retirement plan. Plan also for an abundance of love. We watched “Dan in Real Life” on DVD. Steve Carrell’s part as a widowed father, trying to protect his three girls, thinks he is doing the right thing and knows more about love by separating his middle daughter from her boyfriend. Before the boyfriend leaves, he summons up his courage and says, “Love is not only a feeling, it’s also an ability.”

Love doesn’t just happen. Love takes time and energy and a willingness to work through all the hard places. Love takes a firm commitment to make your relationship the priority in your life. We all know how incredibly sweet it is to see an elderly couple in their 80s or 90s, holding hands and looking at each other adoringly. Well that kind of love doesn’t just happen. It is an ability that is cultivated over the years through kindness, thoughtfulness and a willingness to really be there for the other. To have that kind of love makes for a beautiful retirement. Happiness does not come from things that money can buy. True happiness comes from knowing that you have loved others and have received love in return.

The Subtle Shades of Infidelity

At a Christmas party at his office, Ben had a little too much to drink and ended up kissing a coworker in a dark hallway where they were momentarily alone. Pressed against him, she and he both felt the growing erection in his pants and, at the same time, the pangs of conscience. Both of them felt embarrassed by their actions and immediately returned to the party.

Later that evening, after getting into bed with his wife Laurie after she had finished with the children’s bedtime rituals, Ben confessed and apologized for what had happened at the party. However, he omitted the erection part. Even though he felt ashamed of himself for not being completely forthcoming, he still emphasized to his wife that it was only a kiss, and nothing more.

Laurie sat in stunned silence for what seemed to Ben an eternity. When she finally spoke, it was to ask him to sleep in the guest room.

Did Ben’s actions constitute an affair?

Cynthia had a special friend, Frederick, with whom she had deep conversations about life, love, and often, her relationship difficulties with her husband, Garrett. She felt too ashamed to tell her husband just how fulfilled and excited she felt from these often secret conversations. Frederick was Garrett’s friend long before he had ever met Cynthia. It was not unusual for Garrett to get home from work late and, instead of dinner being ready, Cynthia was on the phone with Frederick. Cynthia would end her phone conversation shortly after Garrett came into the room. For a long time, Garrett rationalized that they were just friends. They barely even hugged when they saw one another. Still, he felt increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship.

Was Cynthia having an affair?

Troy happened to meet Esther online in a chat room. He just liked conversing online with her. There was a subtle chemistry, or connection, he enjoyed, even though their banter was innocuous. They had exchanged photos of themselves, he knew she was single, AND he had told her he was single. Assured that nothing was happening despite his “little” lie, he felt it was unnecessary to mention this “relationship” to his wife, Cheryl, even though four months of “chatting” had been going on almost every day.

Surely this could not be an affair!

So, what is your answer? Do any of these three scenarios qualify as an affair? The traditional definition of an affair is having sex with one person while being in a relationship with another person, but Joyce and I have found that infidelity shows up in many different, and often subtle, ways.

The essential ingredient of an affair is secrecy. If there is something you are doing with another person, feeling about another person, or even thinking about another person, and you are too ashamed or afraid to tell your primary partner, then you are having an affair. We’re not talking about walking down the street and watching a scantily clad attractive person move across your field of view – unless this happens often and then you fantasize about doing certain things with this person, and it remains a secret and takes you away from being with your partner. Then it can be a problem. We’re referring more to the above three examples. Yes, some of you guessed correctly, all three are affairs. Ben’s encounter with his coworker was more than a kiss, but what especially defines it as an affair is the omission of his sexual arousal in the story he told his wife. Cynthia’s phone conversations with Frederick may not have been much of a secret to her husband, Garret, but the secrecy of the content and, more importantly, the depth of her feelings, are what defines this relationship as an affair. And lastly, Troy’s four months of almost daily “chats” with Esther was a complete secret to his wife, coupled with his lying about being single. This is most certainly an affair.

“The truth shall set you free,” is no idle statement. If Ben would have told Laurie the complete truth, she might have asked him to leave the house, rather than just the bedroom. But with the whole truth out in the open, Ben and Laurie could have the greatest chance of getting the help they need to have even more love. If Cynthia was completely honest with Garrett true, it would most likely hurt him more deeply, but would it cause more pain and suffering in the long run? We think not. The deepest suffering is caused by secrecy, which slowly erodes love. It’s the same for Troy’s secret online “pal.”

So how can you have connections with other people while married or in a monogamous relationship? The answer is simple: include – and respect the feelings of – your primary partner, so it’s not a secret. Imaging sitting or conversing with someone else, and your primary partner suddenly walks into the room. Would there be a way for you to immediately welcome and include your mate into the conversation? If so, then you’re healthy with your boundaries. If you create a relationship with someone that excludes your mate, or a conversation that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with your mate (except of course with a professional counselor or therapist), you cause separation, secrecy, and suffering.

I have to admit, my lack of healthy boundaries, and my lack of sensitivity to Joyce’s feelings, caused her lots of pain early in our marriage. I created relationships that did not include her. I touched a few hot stoves, burned myself but good, then learned some valuable lessons. I’ve learned the joy of feeling Joyce in my heart no matter where I am or who I’m with. This actually allows me to love other people more deeply, for I love as two people, not just one. Joyce does the same. We hold each other deeply together, whether physically together or not. As a result, people feel safer with us.

Joyce and I invite you to this level of honesty with your mate, which will allow you a whole new world of oneness and love.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Singles—Gather The Gifts Between Relationships

“The mind seeks an easy relationship. The heart seeks a spiritual partner.”
—The Shared Heart

This particular quote, written 27 years ago in our first book, has been quoted more times than anything else we have written. How natural for our minds to try to avoid pain and find an easy relationship, when in truth our heart, the deeper place of wisdom within us, is seeking a true partner.

When a relationship ends it is vitally important to spend enough time alone, listening to our hearts, fully feeling all our feelings, and learning the lessons of the relationship. So much energy has most likely been spent in first trying to make the relationship work and then in the process of ending the relationship. The time when a relationship actually ends can seem without focus or purpose. The tendency with most people is to distract themselves, become depressed, be consumed with anger for the other person or anger at themselves. A big distraction is the internet matching services and all its promises of finding that “easy” partner. All too often people are back on the internet looking before the present relationship has even officially ended.

The space immediately after ending a relationship can be a very valuable period in our lives. If a person distracts themselves or rushes into another relationship, the gifts and lessons of the previous relationship could be difficult to bring forth. Even hours spent “harmlessly” going over prospective relationship profiles on the internet can distract a person from the true work of learning from a past relationship. As long as a person is looking outward, he or she can not do the important work of looking inward. A friend of ours ended a relationship of four years in which a child had been born. He described his life as a giant jigsaw puzzle which had dropped to the ground. Some major pieces stayed together, others separated and went all over. He realized he could quickly gather the pieces, stuff them into a sack and, before the puzzle was whole, begin a new relationship. He saw how, once a new relationship had begun, he would be building a new puzzle without the other one being complete. He realized he needed to take time and bring the broken puzzle to wholeness and this completion would open the door for the new.

The period between relationships is rich with lessons and growth. Focusing blame on either your partner or upon yourself will blind you to the divine lesson to be learned. Spend time in silence asking yourself why you were brought together with this person. What is the lesson to be learned? What were the gifts you were able to give in the relationship? What further gifts would you like to give in your next relationship? What gifts did you receive? Then focus on gratitude for the time spent with this person. We feel that there is a destiny to each relationship. There is a divine hand helping to bring two people together. Sometimes a relationship is long term, sometimes short. But regardless of the length, all relationships come to teach us something important. Our book, Meant To Be, tells amazing true stories of finding love, renewing love, and love that survives even death. Some of those relationships are not long, but all of them are “meant to be,” for they bring life-changing lessons of love. The key to success in all relationships, long or short, is to be continually learning how to open our hearts.

This past relationship was a gift from the universe given to both of you according to the highest wisdom of both of your needs. As you can feel your gratitude for the relationship, understanding and wisdom — and therefore peace — will come. In time your heart will truly open to the other person and you will feel the blessing of the relationship. The fact that the relationship did not last as long as you had hoped will cease to be important. The realization that you learned and grew and opened your heart will bless your entire life. If you are having trouble finding peace from a past relationship, seek professional help from someone who deeply understands the relationship process. It is vitally important for you to have a resolution within your heart, before you begin to seek a new relationship.

If there is a strong desire in your heart for a healthy relationship, then know it is there for a reason and you deserve that fulfilling love in your life. Taking this important time to do the work of the heart between relationships, can bring healing and openness for this new partner. Feel how much you already love this person, and that love becomes a magnet that will draw the person to you. Remember your mind is going to seek something easy, but your heart will seek a true spiritual partner where you will both grow in love, understanding, healing and respect. We hope you will make the choice to follow your heart.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Opening to Your Life Partner

In our book, Meant To Be, thirty-three year old Kat Trueblood describes herself as tired of dating. It was the spring of 1989, and while visiting a friend near where she was living in Colorado, she picked up and started reading a copy of our first book, The Shared Heart. Unable to put it down, but needing to leave, her friend gave her the book. She’s embarrassed to admit this, but she continued reading our book while driving home. (Please don’t ever try this!)

One paragraph spoke directly to her longing heart: “In wanting to be with your life partner, go past the wish list, the details and qualities that you want. Your mind is a poor judge of who is right. Instead, feel how much you already love this person. It is this love that will draw the right person to you.” These words became her mantra, and the concept became her daily meditation.

That next fall, she came to a workshop we led entitled, “Opening to your Life Partner.” Walking into the kitchen to get a cup of tea, she bumped into John Astin, our friend and musician for the workshop. In her own words, “We took one look at each other and I knew inside that my life would never be the same. It was as if time stood still as we glimpsed deeply into one another’s soul. It felt like a reunion, as if we already deeply knew each other. Although John didn’t fit my “checklist” of who I thought I wanted for my life partner, he inspired me more than anyone else ever had.”

Like Kat Trueblood-Astin, do you feel ready to attract your life partner? Joyce and I feel there is no more powerful way than to feel your heart connection with this person. Imagine someone you have deeply loved a very long time ago (and who deeply loves you) suddenly walks into your life today. It is the depth of the heart connection that determines the power of the reunion. It would be as if time did not exist, and it was only yesterday when you loved one another. True love melts time.

Like Kat, throw away your checklist. The deeper you feel your love for this special person, the more powerful a magnet you become. Love is always the magnet that draws lovers together. In this internet universe, singles are putting too much attention on the other person, and not enough attention on the great love just waiting for a reunion.

How else can you open to your life partner? Feel how you deserve to fully receive as well as give love. Receiving love is a true gift we give our partner. When I receive Joyce’s love, it makes her very happy. In your quiet times, receive love from your future lover. Allow yourself to bask in the glow of his or her love. If it is more difficult for you to give than to receive, then your meditation must include an outpouring from your heart to the heart of your lover-to-be.

What kinds of beliefs/feelings are in the way of this sublime reunion? There can be many. Here are some.

“It’s too late for me.” Some people put a time limit on finding a beloved, as if it’s a sporting event or special kind of contest. If it hasn’t happened by now, then it never will. Another story from Meant To Be, describes the miraculous reunion of Walter and Sylvia Levine – after fifty years of being apart. Walter concludes his story in this way, “The years of being apart fade from memory as love fills the very depths of our hearts.”

“I’m damaged goods.” Is it possible to have too much baggage from the past, to be too wounded by our life history? Joyce and I believe not. Over the years of studying relationships, we have seen firsthand that a mutual deep attraction between two persons involves an equal proportion of love shared by both partners … and an equal proportion of baggage. Not necessarily the same quality of wounds and hurts, but the same quantity. A special opportunity exists in every relationship for each partner to help soothe the hurts of the other. When one person in a couple feels more “damaged,” Joyce and I gently probe and reveal the hidden “damage” in the other person.

“I’m afraid of too much closeness.” We all are to some degree. Intimacy is “into me see.” The closer we get to another person, the more that person sees our vulnerability, the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. Which brings us to the next one:

“When they see who I really am, they’re going to leave.” In a recent article, I wrote about the all-pervasive and sometimes hidden fear of abandonment. We can either hide from this fear by avoiding relationship, or face it head-on by diving into love, and discovering our fear is like the morning fog that is burned away by the more powerful light of the sun.

“I’m afraid of losing myself.” How do I keep my individuality while merging as a couple? People have described the pain of losing their power and sense of personal identity. I had this fear many years ago. Can I stay “me” while joining hearts with Joyce? True, there have been times when I have lost myself, when my boundaries have blurred, but in the end I have discovered that I have lost the parts of myself I did not need, and gained a deeper sense of autonomy, the true freedom that comes with loving completely, without reservation.

If there is a longing within your heart to share your life with a beloved, keep opening your heart to this person, even though you do not know who they are, and continue to work on removing the beliefs and feelings that are in the way. Know that it is worth the inner work, no matter how long it takes. Relationship offers a vehicle to take two people to the highest heights, while opening the ground to reveal the ecstasy of deeply intertwined roots. Looking into the eyes of your beloved, it becomes impossible to see only that person. If you keep looking, you will see and feel the splendor of the divine being, who is you as well as your beloved.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Small Things With Great Love

“In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.” -- Mother Teresa

Last night Barry and I were in San Francisco having dinner with our friends from New Jersey, Suzy and Billy Schoonover. They were attending a large national conference on marriage for part of their ongoing education as couple’s therapists. They asked us to come and have a look at all the exhibits, thinking we might want to exhibit our work next year. We walked into not one but a series of large halls and immediately felt overwhelmed and very small. Inside there were over a hundred exhibits on marriage retreats and organizations. Some were huge organizations, with chapters in just about every state. Some booths had ten foot posters advertising all of their successes and the many marriages they had saved that year, along with professional displays of their many polished-looking hard cover books. Many booths also had large binders with their courses clearly outlined for sale at $50/binder.
We thought of our 5 little soft cover books on relationship, parenting and personal growth, the first three of which were self published and contain cute drawings made by our girls who were little at the time. We have never produced big flashy posters or binders with a course outline. We are not a big organization, boasting so many different chapter organizations. We are just us, Joyce and Barry, with a sincere dedication to helping people.

As I was starting to feel very insignificant in this large scheme of support for marriage and relationship, I remembered Mother Teresa’s quote. Our work is small in comparison to the vastness of the organizations we were seeing, and yet the smallness does not make it less significant. Last weekend we did a couple’s retreat at our home for just six couples. A couple came to that retreat who were on their way to getting a divorce. Each of them had hired a lawyer to proceed with the divorce if something didn’t happen at the retreat. The couple were able to open up to each other, and the rest of us witnessed a miracle as they recommitted themselves to their marriage. The organizations at this large conference were boasting hundreds, even thousands of marriages saved in one year---and we had one that weekend. We have learned over the years that bigger is not better. Small things done with great love, as Mother Teresa urges, makes all the difference in this world.

Recently we were working with two different couples. One couple was very rich, the other had little money. The husband in the first marriage worked mega-hours as CEO of his own company. Intensively traveling, he rarely saw or even communicated with his wife and children. For his wife’s birthday he bought her a very expensive diamond necklace and for two days took her to a fancy resort. Most of the time at the resort he was on his cell phone making business calls.

The other husband worked a simple job as a gardener. He spent a lot of time with his family and they lived a very simple lifestyle. For his wife’s birthday he brought the children to a friend’s home to play and spend the night. He then lovingly prepared a delicious dinner for her out of his garden, and gave her the gift of an intricately carved wooden necklace he had spent hours making himself. Which gift was the greatest? For me, I would rather have a small gift given with great love.

My father was a wonderful father. He gave himself totally to my brother and me. There was nothing he would not do for us. He was present at every sporting event, science fair, poetry reading, spelling bee or whatever we were doing. Once I had to make a small Indian village for a sixth grade project. My dad helped me for the entire weekend and my village was so amazing that the principal asked if they could permanently keep it on display at the school. He was also a wonderful grandfather to his seven grandchildren. Toward the end of his life he looked back and wondered if he hadn’t been much of a success as a father since he hadn’t saved very much money to pass on to his children. To me the money was insignificant. He wasn’t always perfect, but both my brother’s and my life were deeply enriched by all of the time and energy he gave to both of us. My father did small things for us with great love.

Whatever your financial status in life, or whatever work you do, know that you can make a significant contribution to your family and world by doing small things with great love. A word of appreciation, an act of kindness, giving the gift of time and the expression of daily gratitude to those in your life, can go very far. It is not about how much money we make or how big and powerful our work appears to others, it is about the love with which we put into each act of kindness toward another human being. Our friend Michael Stillwater has written a beautiful chant called “One by One.” The words touch me deeply: “One by one everyone comes to remember we’re healing the world one heart at a time.” Let’s do something small with great love, and trust we are changing the world in the process.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

How a Son-in-law Became a Son

When Joyce first started dating, her dad took her aside and said, “I don’t care who you date as long as he’s not Jewish and doesn’t come from New York City.”

Undoubtedly, he was reacting to one or more bad experiences with New York Jews. Well here I am, a Brooklyn born Jew. Somehow Joyce didn’t learn about this until it was too late – she already was in love with me and me with her, a few months after meeting during our first year at Hartwick College in Oneonta, NY.

Joyce went home to Buffalo, NY for spring break that first year of college, and I was planning to drive there for a visit after a few days at home with my parents close to New York City. When her dad found out who she was serious about, and that I would be coming in a few days to visit, he was not pleased. Then I telephoned Joyce and who should pick up the phone – her dad. Because I didn’t know about his prejudice, I launched headlong into getting to know this special young woman’s father. When it finally came time to get his daughter on the phone, he covered the mouthpiece of the phone and whispered, “Joyce, I really like this young man!”

I arrived in Buffalo on the afternoon of the first night of Passover. Joyce’s mom greeted me like a long lost friend, then asked if they could take me to the local temple for the service. I was surprised, but readily agreed. The real surprise, however, was to come that evening.

Louise, Hank, Joyce and I walked into the temple where a continuous stream of people welcomed Louise by name. I was starting to wonder how all these people knew her, when the rabbi called out her name, quickly approached and gave her a big hug. Now I was truly stymied.

After the service I found out the secret to Louise’s fame. Before this congregation found their own temple, they met every Friday evening at the church where Louise was secretary. That explained how they all knew her, but it didn’t explain how they loved her. That was her doing – her warm welcome, her friendliness, her lack of prejudice, and her sun-like smile. Now I understood. It was the same way I felt welcomed into her life – and her heart.

Not that our relationship as mother/son-in-law was perfect. From time to time we hurt each other’s feelings, we got angry, just like any relationship. She criticized me for not making more money. I criticized her for interfering too much in our lifestyle. But we always came back to love in the end.

She always respected that I was a doctor, even though she sometimes had trouble understanding my nontraditional approach. When our second daughter, Mira, was born in 1981, Louise came for a visit to “help with the baby.” She developed a bad cough, which progressed to a severe bronchitis with fever. Not only were Joyce and I taking care of a new baby, but also a very sick and bed-ridden Louise. One evening I sat on the side of her bed and gently but firmly prescribed that she stop smoking. She had started smoking as a teenager, when her sister Almeda told her she would never be asked out on a date unless she started smoking. Louise looked up at me and I saw a silent resolve forming in her face. She never smoked another cigarette from that day on, and often credited her son-in-law the doctor for saving her life.

Then, so many years later, she began her slow physical decline. Her body was winding down like an old clock. Her physical abilities were slowly but surely leaving her, but each seemed to be replaced by a spiritual ability. She lost bladder and bowel control, and her independence, but gained a deeper ability to receive love and care from others.

I remember one time helping her walk into the bathroom, helping to pull down her pants and remove her diaper. With a painful look of embarrassment, she said, “Oh, Barry, here you are a man and my son-in-law, having to do all this.”

I reminded her, “Grandma, remember I’m also a doctor.”

“Oh I forgot.” And a look of peace came over her face.

“But that’s not all, grandma. Please remember that I feel blessed to be able to give back to you all the love you have given me over the years.”

Then the look of a child in wonder as she asked, “Really?” but the broad smile gave away her genuine joy and understanding.

She was losing some short-term memory but her long-term memory was improving, as was her ability to live in the moment. This was an amazing gift to me as well as everyone who came into her presence. Toward the end of her life, every time she looked into my eyes, I felt bathed in love. The curtain of ego had thinned to the point where it was no longer able to block the light, just as the summer fog where we live close to the Pacific Ocean eventually dissipates, allowing the full radiance of the sun.

Not long before she passed, Louise whispered to me, “You know, Barry, you’re not my son-in-law. I love you as my son – just as much as I do my birth son, Bruce.”

And with tears in my eyes, I looked into her physically fading but spiritually shining eyes and spoke, “You know, grandma, your love and acceptance has mothered me every bit as much as my own birth mother.”

I felt moved to start singing one of my favorite songs from Cole Porter, “I give to you and you give to me, true love, true love. And on and on it will always be, true love, true love.”
As I sang, her physically feeble yet spiritually loving hands and arms reached up for me and we kissed and hugged.




Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Do You Need A Miracle?

Have you ever heard someone say in despair, “It will take a miracle to help this situation?” This phrase has come to be used in a pessimistic way almost like a death sentence for a situation. Many times we have heard in our counseling sessions people with no hope saying words such as, “The relationship with my husband/wife is so bad, it’ll take a miracle for us to come back together.” Or a parent who has lost all trust, “Only a miracle can bring my child back from their addiction.” The different situations are many, but the theme is the same, the person feels hopeless and has lost trust. But it is possible to change this phrase to one of hope and optimism. It takes trust and a willingness to open your heart to the possibility that love can heal. Barry and I witness miracles occurring in people’s lives and relationships every day. Our job is to get them to a place of trust and hope.

Recently we experienced the power of a miracle in a person’s life. Our dear friend of 35 years, Nancy Grace, was hit by a speeding car while walking her dog. Her head and entire left side was damaged and she was rushed by helicopter to a trauma center in San Jose. She was given very little chance of survival. She was placed on a breathing machine and was in a coma. No one except her two daughters and mother were allowed to see her. After ten days she was allowed a few visitors. Barry and I and two of her friends were her first visitors. As a doctor and nurse, we were well aware of the danger signs. The nurse in charge of Nancy showed us her two eyes with a flash light. Each one was fixed and dilated, no response whatsoever to light. This compassionate nurse looked at us directly saying, “You know from your training that this is not a good sign.” Indeed we knew that if Nancy survived she could have extensive brain damage. Then the nurse continued, “I have worked here for a long time. I have learned that miracles happen. All of your love and prayers can bring about that miracle.”

Nancy has many friends and all of us focused on a miracle in her life. Even when things looked really bad, like when the coma continued for three months, we continued to pray for and visualize a miracle. She was surrounded by love, trust and hope. None of us accepted the doctor’s grim diagnosis. We continued to see her walking, laughing and giving her love. Today, eight months later, she is able to live by herself, has her full long term memory back, is walking with some assistance, laughs more than any one I know, and continues to give love and hope to whomever she meets. She still has a long way to go in her healing, but the miracle is definitely happening.

The miracle with Nancy was a big miracle, as she was brought back from the brink of death or permanent brain damage. We also witness smaller miracles that occur in people’s lives all the time. The important thing is to have hope and trust in the ability of love to bring healing. A husband and wife came to see us in very bad shape in their marriage. The only reason they weren’t calling the lawyers right away for a divorce is that they had two small children. The husband remarked in despair, “I guess the only thing that will help is a miracle at this point.”
We said, “Well why not ask for a miracle?” We had them commit to sitting and praying together every single day for a miracle in their relationship. At the end of the prayer they were to each say one positive thing to the other. This simple exercise only took ten minutes a day, and yet it opened their hearts to one another, and they could begin to do the serious work of healing their relationship.

We know parents whose twenty three year old child was seriously addicted to drugs. He had been in and out of rehab and had even spent a year in jail, after which he immediately went back to the streets and drugs. The parents came to us in despair, saying, “We have tried all we can do. I guess he just needs a miracle.” As they spoke there was no hope in their voices or hearts. We had them sit together and pray for a miracle for their son. Then after the prayer they were to each share with the other something they love about their son and the joy they will feel when their son is in recovery from his addiction. We wanted them to make the possibility of a miracle real in their lives. The parents did this every day for a full year. For six months nothing happened with their son, but the parents felt more peaceful and could sleep once again. They felt they were doing something very important for their son. After six months there were small signs of change. Their son started calling once in a while. Then he would come over just to see them, rather than ask for money. Then he started talking about needing help. After a year he voluntarily entered into a treatment program and for the first time began to take it seriously. I believe that the parents love and trust in a miracle drew out the best in their son.

The possibility of a miracle is real and can happen to you in your relationship, life situation or health. It is important to never give up and realize that a miracle can come in many different ways. A friend of ours was diagnosed with aggressive terminal brain cancer. It took his life in just three months. His wife, two daughters and friends all prayed for a miracle. His cancer was not cured, but there was a beautiful healing that took place within that family, that allowed his wife and children to go on with their lives in strength. To make the possibility of a miracle real it is important to open your heart and trust in love to bring about change and healing.