Hidden Fear of Abandonment

There is perhaps no deeper fear in the human experience than the fear of abandonment. Joyce and I have not met anyone who does not have this fear. Many people are to some extent unconsciously ruled by it, others severely crippled by it. But everyone has this fear in various degrees and must at some time in their lives confront it.

It is impossible to avoid some degree of abandonment while grow­ing up. None of us had perfect parents who attended to our every need. Most of us cried in fear and pain and the need for love, but instead may have been placed in a crib, or had our diapers changed, or had a bottle or pacifier stuck in our mouth. Yet our deeper need was simply to be held and loved. No human parent can be there for us all the time.

With most of us, however, the fear of abandonment often expresses itself in hidden ways. Especially when we are unconscious of this particular fear, its expression can be subtle and camouflaged.

Have you ever known someone who never seemed to get enough from you? Who even made you feel guilty that you weren’t giving enough to them, or a good enough friend? Or how about someone who seemed to often test you by pushing away your love? Look deeper and you will see their fear of abandonment.

Here are three more examples involving couples:

Gavin was occasionally late coming home from work. Mia would get increasingly nervous for the first fifteen minutes and then, sometime shortly after the fifteen minute mark, she would panic. Then, when Gavin would finally arrive home, he would be met with outright anger that caused him to be afraid. Mia admitted she was over-reacting and Gavin felt he didn’t deserve that strong a reaction.

With Joyce’s and my help, Mia could see her hidden fear of abandonment expressing through the nervousness, panic, and then the anger. And Gavin remembered the pain of his childhood when his mother got angry at him, locked him in his room, and then left. He had the irrational but nevertheless painful image of Mia leaving him. Fear of abandonment was expressing through both of them. Gavin understood how important it was for him to therefore call Mia if he was approaching that magical fifteen minute lateness marker.

Ava complained that Nathan inevitably withdrew after moments of intimacy. It was especially painful to her after lovemaking, when she felt the most vulnerable. She felt pushed away by him at times when she was needing the most closeness. Her own fear of abandonment was obviously playing out in these circumstances, but both of them failed to see Nathan’s fear of abandonment. Joyce and I pointed out that intimacy and closeness brings up feelings of attachment and dependence, which in turn bring up the fear of abandonment. Nathan and Ava were able to work together and bring healing to their relationship. Their mutual awareness of both of their fears of abandonment allowed them each to reassure the other. Their key phrase that they spoke especially in intimate moments: “I’m committed to being here for you.”

In our third example, Brandon was unhappy at how tightly Alexis seemed to hold on to him. Sometimes she literally squeezed him so tightly he felt he could barely breathe. He also felt squeezed emotionally and mentally, that Alexis constantly wanted to know his feelings and thoughts, and wanted to be with him too much. Alexis, meanwhile, felt shut out by Brandon. He seemed to be pushing too hard for autonomy, like separate bank accounts, separate rooms in the house, more and more privacy.

By now I’m sure you’ve guessed correctly. That’s right, the hidden fear of abandonment expressing through both of them. Alexis, by her squeezing and control of Brandon, and Brandon, by his fear of intimacy, attachment, and dependence.

As you can see, sometimes the fear of abandonment is more obvious in one person in a relationship. Look deeper, however, and you will see the universality of this fear. Then, as a couple, this can be a shared healing opportunity rather than a his or her problem.

In our work with the issue of abandonment, we have come up with three fundamental steps in the healing process. All of these steps culminate in one crucial activity, regardless of where our fear originated or how severe it is — healing our fear of abandonment ultimately depends on our refusal to abandon ourselves. Still, as couples, we have the extraordinary opportunity to help one another to overcome this fear by being more fully present for ourselves and our partner.

1. Become conscious of our fear of being left alone. It becomes easier to do this as we learn to accept and feel the small child within ourselves, the part that is vulnerable and scared of being abandoned. We need to also see how this fear manifests in our life and relationships. This can be a painful process, because the ego-games we have previously played to protect ourselves from pain now become transparent. We can no longer pretend to only be strong, independent and invulnerable.

2. Find a deeper level of responsibility. It requires that we look within ourselves and discover the ways that we abandon ourselves. Some things can be done about the abandonment that comes from the outside but, if we stop abandoning ourselves from within, the exter­nal abandonments will not have the same influence upon us. How do we abandon ourselves? By not listening to our inner voice, the promptings of our higher knowing. By expecting all our needs to be met by our partner or someone else. By not nurturing and taking care of ourselves. By not saying “no” when we need to. By giving in to feelings of unworthiness. By giving our power to our partner. By the thousands of ways we leave or ignore our own heart.

3. Stop this unhealthy process of self-abandonment. Follow a path of personal and spiritual growth, practice being gentler and kinder to ourselves, and especially strive to accept and give love to our own inner child. It is easy to judge ourselves harshly when we slip into self-abandonment. As we focus more on correcting our own self-abandonment, rather than correcting everyone else’s abandonment of us, we become empowered and grow in spiritual maturity. Striving to be there for ourselves as well as our loved one, rather than being preoccupied with our loved one being there for us, we are doing the most to heal our fear of abandonment.