At a Christmas party at his office, Ben had a little too much to drink and ended up kissing a coworker in a dark hallway where they were momentarily alone. Pressed against him, she and he both felt the growing erection in his pants and, at the same time, the pangs of conscience. Both of them felt embarrassed by their actions and immediately returned to the party.
Later that evening, after getting into bed with his wife Laurie after she had finished with the children’s bedtime rituals, Ben confessed and apologized for what had happened at the party. However, he omitted the erection part. Even though he felt ashamed of himself for not being completely forthcoming, he still emphasized to his wife that it was only a kiss, and nothing more.
Laurie sat in stunned silence for what seemed to Ben an eternity. When she finally spoke, it was to ask him to sleep in the guest room.
Did Ben’s actions constitute an affair?
Cynthia had a special friend, Frederick, with whom she had deep conversations about life, love, and often, her relationship difficulties with her husband, Garrett. She felt too ashamed to tell her husband just how fulfilled and excited she felt from these often secret conversations. Frederick was Garrett’s friend long before he had ever met Cynthia. It was not unusual for Garrett to get home from work late and, instead of dinner being ready, Cynthia was on the phone with Frederick. Cynthia would end her phone conversation shortly after Garrett came into the room. For a long time, Garrett rationalized that they were just friends. They barely even hugged when they saw one another. Still, he felt increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship.
Was Cynthia having an affair?
Troy happened to meet Esther online in a chat room. He just liked conversing online with her. There was a subtle chemistry, or connection, he enjoyed, even though their banter was innocuous. They had exchanged photos of themselves, he knew she was single, AND he had told her he was single. Assured that nothing was happening despite his “little” lie, he felt it was unnecessary to mention this “relationship” to his wife, Cheryl, even though four months of “chatting” had been going on almost every day.
Surely this could not be an affair!
So, what is your answer? Do any of these three scenarios qualify as an affair? The traditional definition of an affair is having sex with one person while being in a relationship with another person, but Joyce and I have found that infidelity shows up in many different, and often subtle, ways.
The essential ingredient of an affair is secrecy. If there is something you are doing with another person, feeling about another person, or even thinking about another person, and you are too ashamed or afraid to tell your primary partner, then you are having an affair. We’re not talking about walking down the street and watching a scantily clad attractive person move across your field of view – unless this happens often and then you fantasize about doing certain things with this person, and it remains a secret and takes you away from being with your partner. Then it can be a problem. We’re referring more to the above three examples. Yes, some of you guessed correctly, all three are affairs. Ben’s encounter with his coworker was more than a kiss, but what especially defines it as an affair is the omission of his sexual arousal in the story he told his wife. Cynthia’s phone conversations with Frederick may not have been much of a secret to her husband, Garret, but the secrecy of the content and, more importantly, the depth of her feelings, are what defines this relationship as an affair. And lastly, Troy’s four months of almost daily “chats” with Esther was a complete secret to his wife, coupled with his lying about being single. This is most certainly an affair.
“The truth shall set you free,” is no idle statement. If Ben would have told Laurie the complete truth, she might have asked him to leave the house, rather than just the bedroom. But with the whole truth out in the open, Ben and Laurie could have the greatest chance of getting the help they need to have even more love. If Cynthia was completely honest with Garrett true, it would most likely hurt him more deeply, but would it cause more pain and suffering in the long run? We think not. The deepest suffering is caused by secrecy, which slowly erodes love. It’s the same for Troy’s secret online “pal.”
So how can you have connections with other people while married or in a monogamous relationship? The answer is simple: include – and respect the feelings of – your primary partner, so it’s not a secret. Imaging sitting or conversing with someone else, and your primary partner suddenly walks into the room. Would there be a way for you to immediately welcome and include your mate into the conversation? If so, then you’re healthy with your boundaries. If you create a relationship with someone that excludes your mate, or a conversation that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with your mate (except of course with a professional counselor or therapist), you cause separation, secrecy, and suffering.
I have to admit, my lack of healthy boundaries, and my lack of sensitivity to Joyce’s feelings, caused her lots of pain early in our marriage. I created relationships that did not include her. I touched a few hot stoves, burned myself but good, then learned some valuable lessons. I’ve learned the joy of feeling Joyce in my heart no matter where I am or who I’m with. This actually allows me to love other people more deeply, for I love as two people, not just one. Joyce does the same. We hold each other deeply together, whether physically together or not. As a result, people feel safer with us.
Joyce and I invite you to this level of honesty with your mate, which will allow you a whole new world of oneness and love.
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