Have you ever heard, or found yourself saying something like, “Our relationship would be so much better if my partner could only change.” The message is, “I will be better off when my partner or friend learns or changes something.” And yet in reality until the couple or friends realize that it takes two people to heal something, there will not be much progress. Relationship is truly a dance of cooperation, balance, and mutual empowerment.
Thirty years ago Barry and I had the amazing blessing of being able to spend a lot of quality time, one on one, with Ram Dass. Ram Dass, formerly Richard Alpert, was a Harvard psychology professor who left Harvard in the early sixties to seek deeper meaning in India. He then brought back eastern spiritual teachings in a form that westerners could relate to. He also used his psychology training and terrific sense of humor to teach thousands of people. Ram Dass was an important teacher to us, and we were thrilled when he moved close to us. He was writing a book, and wanted just a few people to train and counsel. He felt this would keep his skills alive and help him with his writing. Barry and I were eight of those fortunate people who went one at a time over a transformative three year period.
After several months of listening to Barry and I relate about the problems and challenges in our relationship, he made a very profound comment that has deeply affected our relationship. He said, “I sit here and listen as Barry describes all the ways he feels you should change. Then a week later I sit here and listen to you describe all the ways that Barry should change. I listen week after week and yet nothing really changes between you two. Until you realize that what you perceive as the other person’s problem is really a relationship problem you will never really grow together. As long as you think it is Barry’s challenge and you have to wait until he learns something, then your relationship stays stuck. The same is true for Barry. When you work on something together as a relationship challenge, then you will begin to make progress.”
That single bit of wisdom has profoundly affected us over all these years. An example of this was Barry’s relationship with his father. I felt that Barry needed to express his feeling to his father when his dad said or did things that hurt him. I could see Barry close down by things his father would say, and that closing down would affect me. Then I would get angry at Barry for not expressing his feelings. This dysfunctional pattern would go on between us each time his parents visited. With Ram Dass’s insight, I began to see that this could be a relationship challenge rather than just something Barry needed to change. We started working on this dynamic together. I became like a coach, and we would play out different scenes which we could anticipate when his father came for a visit. Rather than judging Barry for closing down, I became a very enthusiastic believer that he could express his hurt.
Finally the visit was upon us, and we had rehearsed and prepared for Barry’s dad to say something that hurt Barry. Finally, over food preparation, Barry’s dad said something that hurt. Because of my coaching and belief in him, he had a breakthrough. He confronted his dad, and there was a beautiful opening and healing between father and son. Barry had needed my help with this, not as a partner that judged and got angry, but as a partner that supported and believed in him.
Barry has similarly helped me with many of my challenges. I am not a very technical person and the computer absolutely overwhelmed me. I have written all five of our books by hand, which were then typed onto the computer by someone else. I also wrote “snail-mail” letters, rather than learning email. Barry gently encouraged me year by year to open to the computer. He also needed my help with the mounting number of emails. I agreed to try, and Barry had a major lesson in patience teaching me the computer. He would teach me something in detail and it seemed that I got it, only to have no idea the next day. I would go into a panic if something I was writing seemed to be lost into the computer by my touching the wrong key. Rarely did he run out of patience and never did he complain that I must be the slowest student of computers there ever was. He was steadfast in his devotion to turn me into a computer literate person and thanks to him I finally am, though I still have a lot to learn. I believe that if Barry would have made fun of me, or gotten angry that I was so slow in learning, I may never have learned.
Working together on any problem gives two people much more power to find a solution or bring healing. Barry and I have found that it is exciting to work on our different challenges together. Rather than saying, “You need to fix your problem,” we now try to say, “How can we work on this as a team?” This attitude always brings a deeper closeness and understanding.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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