As is my habit on a Saturday morning, I returned home from shopping at our local farmer’s market. I had more produce than usual, for the next week our daughter was to be married in our home and we were expecting a lot of family members to arrive. I was also not feeling well. I felt weak, feverish, overwhelmed and discouraged at being sick during this important time in our family. How was I ever going to find the strength to do all that was required of me to make a big dinner in a few days for Barry’s family coming from out of town, prepare the house and gardens for the wedding and many other details, not to mention wanting to be a gracious, relaxed, mother of the bride? Barry put the food away in the refrigerator and then held me on the couch. As I lay on Barry’s lap he comforted me and it felt good to be nurtured in that way. Little did I know that while putting away the food in the refrigerator he had also sampled a small amount of Kombucha culture (a bacteria and yeast mixture) that he was growing himself.
Barry finally returned to his office to continue working and I went outside to water the 20 flower center pieces that I had planted for the wedding. I returned from the watering to find Barry on the couch weakly calling out to me, “Joyce, something’s very wrong with me.” As a doctor and a nurse, we did a quick inventory of his symptoms going from head to toe. We ruled out every possible thing we could think of. He had forgotten that he had sampled the Kombucha culture, and didn’t remember this critical detail for several hours. If he would have remembered, I would have rushed him to the hospital immediately for we would surely have suspected contamination with a microbial toxin. We were later told by our doctor friend that contamination of Kombucha cultures is common and he could have easily died by sampling a larger amount.
Forty two years ago I had a near death experience with septicemia (widespread infection) in which I had left my body and the doctors had given up hope for my survival. My mother had placed my life in the hands of God, and I believe that act and her faith had saved my life. As Barry said out loud, “Joyce I feel myself drifting away,” I knew that I must say the same prayer that my mother spoke so long ago for me. I held Barry and placed his life in divine love. I also asked that I be guided to care for him. I felt strongly guided to just keep him at home in a peaceful healing environment. I talked to him in a soothing way and provided a very healing space for him. My own sickness seemed to evaporate from my consciousness as I focused so strongly on Barry. Several hours later, when I sensed he had turned a corner, I teased him, “Barry it would be really poor timing to die one week before your daughter’s wedding.” He laughed and then we both knew he would be OK.
This experience has changed my life in such a profound and beautiful way. Barry is extremely healthy and strong. He can usually keep up with our son who is 20 and in excellent shape. I guess I took for granted that Barry would just keep on going in such a strong way for many years. This experience showed me that we are all vulnerable in our bodies. None of us know when it will be our time to leave our body. I have realized that there are so many ways that we can be taken from this life in a matter of a few seconds. Rather than that understanding making me sad or despondent, it has brought a lot of love and depth into my life. I no longer take for granted the joy of a simple kiss, or the pleasure of holding Barry’s hand. I love to run my fingers along his arm and feel how grateful I am that I can still touch him. In the mornings I usually wake up before he does, and I love to just lie there and watch him. Sometimes little things he does irritate me and I used to make a big fuss over them. Now I find myself more willing to forgive quickly reminding myself of what might have happened to him. I still know the importance of standing up for my feelings with Barry, but I’m trying to do so in a more gentle way.
I am also willing to do some things that I never wanted to do or were fearful of. For years Barry has wanted me to go on a backpacking trip along the Lost Coast in northern California and I was always fearful that I couldn’t make it. This year I said “YES!” I can’t say it was easy carrying the heavy backpack many miles over rocks and soft sand but I truly had a wonderful time camping and enjoying all of the beauty of the streams, ocean and plentiful wildlife. I look forward to going again.
I am living with the consciousness that these are “bonus” years with Barry. He came very close to slipping away from his body and so I celebrate his presence here. I am hoping that I have many more bonus years with him, but still I live with the realization that I will never know and that now is the time to enjoy him and our time together.
I would like to challenge all of you who are reading this. Right now imagine the adult who is the closest to you. What if you knew they only had a few weeks or months to live? How would you treat them differently? For one month start living with the consciousness that your time with them could be limited, so enjoy every minute that you do have. You may find that this one month will change your relationship for the better. Simple moments can be precious and memorable. Rather than this bringing a morbid sense to your life, it can bring a deepened sense of gratitude and ability to live in the moment. I am still hoping that Barry will live many more years, and yet I also hope that I will never forget that he almost slipped away from his body and to make each day with him special.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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