Are all secrets unhealthy for relationships? Can there be healthy secrets?
You bought a special present for your partner’s birthday, and you want it to be a surprise.
Healthy secret.
Your boss is trying to get you fired and it’s causing so much tension that you are not much fun to be around, but you don’t want to burden your partner with this information.
Unhealthy secret.
You take the garbage out even though it’s your partner’s job, and you don’t tell your partner.
Healthy secret.
Your partner has a lump and is scheduled for a biopsy, and you’re terrified but you’re trying to act as if nothing is wrong.
Unhealthy secret.
Rule of thumb: healthy secrets bring you closer to your loved ones, unhealthy secrets create barriers. Healthy secrets are surprises that bring more love to both you and your loved ones. Unhealthy secrets hide a part of your heart, disguise your vulnerability which denies a gift to your loved one, or prevents your loved one from supporting you. Healthy secrets build relationships, unhealthy secrets destroy relationships.
Here’s a powerful example:
“I hate Christmas! I just want to get it over with.” Ty blurted out these words early in their couple’s session. Abby, who loved Christmas, felt pushed away each year as the holidays approached. Ty was convinced his aversion had to do with a Christmas long ago when he was twenty years old, in combat in the Vietnam War. Abby added that she has heard only the barest details about Vietnam, but knew how deeply her husband was still suffering with post-traumatic stress disorder. It was obvious to us that Ty needed to tell his story, to talk about difficult experiences he had never shared with anyone, so we asked him what happened in Vietnam.
A panicked look came across Ty’s face. He said he couldn’t share his experiences. He felt they would bring up too much pain, and he wouldn’t be able to get out of it. He was also afraid the horrible images would damage his wife as much as they had damaged him.
Joyce and I told Ty that these unshared experiences were toxic secrets locked inside of him, fueling his anger and volatility, poisoning his life. Additionally, a piece of his life, and his heart, was being withheld from his wife of twenty years, who could be an enormous support to him. We told him it was time to release this burden.
With Abby’s arm around him, and Joyce and me holding his hands, Ty told his stories for the first time since the war. He told about the horror of that Christmas so many years ago. He told about his buddies blown apart by bombs, of expecting death on Christmas eve when his company was under full-scale attack. And finally, with tears in his eyes, he recounted the most difficult story. His armored truck came upon a young woman, malnourished and covered with skin lesions. Ty radioed for medical help. “Help” showed up in the form of two captains, one American and one South Vietnamese. They told Ty to leave them alone with the woman. Even though he had a bad feeling, he reluctantly turned and walked away. Seconds later, he heard a pistol being cocked and he immediately returned, sensing what was about to happen. Even though he was only a soldier and he was facing two superior officers, he still found his voice and objected to what they were about to do. Both officers now commanded him to leave. Still reluctant but feeling defeated and powerless, he started to walk back to his truck. He turned to look back and saw the Vietnamese officer put his gun to the woman’s head and pull the trigger. Involuntarily, he fell to his knees in fear, fully expecting to be shot next. He was holding a machine gun and, for just a moment, he felt the impulse to shoot both these officers. Luckily, his conscience prevailed.
Ty’s fear turned into anger when he knew he wouldn’t be killed. He had just witnessed the murder of a civilian in need of help, a precious human being disposed of like a bug. And there was nothing he could do about this crime. He tried to report it, but everyone told him to just forget about it. He felt helpless, and the sound of the gunshot and the sight of the young woman’s body crumpling to the earth would live on in his memory forever. He felt responsible for her death, a part of the murder. He found her. He made the call.
Our healing gift to Ty was to inform him of his innocence. As a low-ranking soldier, barely into adulthood, he couldn’t be expected to disobey the orders of not only one, but two superior officers. We directed him to talk to the twenty-year-old still living within him. He spoke tearfully and beautifully to that young soldier part of himself, giving reassurance and forgiveness.
In this counseling session, Joyce and I beheld a true miracle of healing. Ty will no longer need to endure the same level of suffering each Christmas – or any time of the year. He will no longer need to condemn a part of himself, or keep this toxic secret buried in his soul, a secret cache of shame dampening his joy. Plus, Ty can now receive the full loving support of his wife. He has now more fully included her in his life.
If you’re hiding a toxic secret, please understand how much this is keeping you separate from your loved ones. If fear keeps you from sharing this secret, seek professional help. It’s worth anything to free both yourself and your loved ones.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Feeling Joy in Difficult Times
Experiencing joy in life is essential to our health and well being. Joy is as important as eating, sleeping and exercise. Joy can open our hearts to our love and spirituality, giving us a valuable perspective on a troubling situation. Joy is essential to relationships. It is easy to experience joy when everything is going well. But it is even more important in the difficult times.
I knew Christmas would be a harder time for me. This was the first Christmas in my life that I would not be with my mother, who passed from this world four months before. Following advice from Hospice, I let go of certain tasks and events that would add extra stress. I planned a “stress-free” Christmas with just our immediate family of five. We were all looking forward to our son coming home from his first year of college. For the first time ever, our three children would cook Christmas dinner for us while we relaxed. The presents were all bought months before. This looked like it could be a simple, joyful time with my family. We were going to honor my mom by each lighting a candle and saying what we most treasured about Grandma.
We can plan and plan our lives into neat packages, and then life seems to throw us a curve. The curve came in the form of a tragic accident on December 15th, 2007. I have a very dear friend of 33 years, Nancy Grace, who also was the musician for all of my women’s retreat for the past 28 years, and many of our couple’s retreats. She was hit by a speeding car while out walking her dog. She was airlifted to a major trauma center in San Jose, semi-comatose and with brain injuries.
Of course I prayed like never before for her healing. But in between my times of prayer, I felt so sad. What would life possibly be like without Nancy? I was already facing a Christmas without my beloved mother and now this. After several days of being in a very sad place, I had to have a talk with myself. Nancy was such a joyous and grateful person, she was able to find joy in even the smallest ways. She loved to laugh with reckless abandon, even to the point of snorting, and even in her sorrows she was able to find something to be joyful about. I realized I must honor her by also finding joy.
Gratitude is often a doorway into a joyful feeling. I began to look for ways to be grateful in every part of my life. As I practiced gratitude every day, I also began to feel joy once again, which led to a deeper connection with Nancy spiritually. Before, I was praying from a desperate place. Now with the essential ingredient of joy back in my life, I was praying from a much deeper place of trust. Everyday there are still many sad moments around my friend’s accident, but having the discipline to look for joyful moments also gave strength to my life. It is sad to see my dear friend in such an extreme medical condition, but I try to bring as much joy to these hospital visits as possible. She cannot speak yet, but her one open eye sparkles at some of the joyful memories. Joy is a good medicine.
I remember that even when I was caring for my dying mother this past year, it was so important to feel joy. Without that ingredient, her care seemed like a burden at times. Rather than focusing on her steady decline, helpless condition, and all that must be done to care for her, I tried to focus on my gratitude and joy to have such a wonderful mother. Toward the very end I was able to find joy in knowing that she was excited to go to her new heaven home. I still cried and had all the natural human emotions when a loved one dies, but I also had joy and gratitude.
Sometimes Barry and I face difficult challenges in our work or personal lives. We find that if we talk about it too much, it can actually seem worse than it is; we feel down and we walk around dragging our feet. We have learned that when this happens we need to take a “joy walk.”
While we are walking our dogs in the fields and woods around our property, we agree to talk only about that which brings us joy. At first it can be rather silent between us, because our minds are still busy thinking about the challenge or particular sadness. But then one of us starts mentioning something that brings us joy and soon the conversation is flowing with wonderful parts of our lives. The last ten minutes of the walk we usually revisit the challenge. We find that the time away in a joyful space has brought fresh new perspective and understanding. What once had seemed overwhelming to us, now seems solvable.
Few of us can imagine not eating, drinking or sleeping. Well, joy needs to be part of that essential life survival kit. Experiencing joy brings us closer to our spirituality, the essential part of who we are. Joy needs to be part of even the most difficult situations in life. Allowing our hearts to feel joy and gratitude brings forth the spiritual power within us, and allows us to be more effective in the difficult times that we all face.
I knew Christmas would be a harder time for me. This was the first Christmas in my life that I would not be with my mother, who passed from this world four months before. Following advice from Hospice, I let go of certain tasks and events that would add extra stress. I planned a “stress-free” Christmas with just our immediate family of five. We were all looking forward to our son coming home from his first year of college. For the first time ever, our three children would cook Christmas dinner for us while we relaxed. The presents were all bought months before. This looked like it could be a simple, joyful time with my family. We were going to honor my mom by each lighting a candle and saying what we most treasured about Grandma.
We can plan and plan our lives into neat packages, and then life seems to throw us a curve. The curve came in the form of a tragic accident on December 15th, 2007. I have a very dear friend of 33 years, Nancy Grace, who also was the musician for all of my women’s retreat for the past 28 years, and many of our couple’s retreats. She was hit by a speeding car while out walking her dog. She was airlifted to a major trauma center in San Jose, semi-comatose and with brain injuries.
Of course I prayed like never before for her healing. But in between my times of prayer, I felt so sad. What would life possibly be like without Nancy? I was already facing a Christmas without my beloved mother and now this. After several days of being in a very sad place, I had to have a talk with myself. Nancy was such a joyous and grateful person, she was able to find joy in even the smallest ways. She loved to laugh with reckless abandon, even to the point of snorting, and even in her sorrows she was able to find something to be joyful about. I realized I must honor her by also finding joy.
Gratitude is often a doorway into a joyful feeling. I began to look for ways to be grateful in every part of my life. As I practiced gratitude every day, I also began to feel joy once again, which led to a deeper connection with Nancy spiritually. Before, I was praying from a desperate place. Now with the essential ingredient of joy back in my life, I was praying from a much deeper place of trust. Everyday there are still many sad moments around my friend’s accident, but having the discipline to look for joyful moments also gave strength to my life. It is sad to see my dear friend in such an extreme medical condition, but I try to bring as much joy to these hospital visits as possible. She cannot speak yet, but her one open eye sparkles at some of the joyful memories. Joy is a good medicine.
I remember that even when I was caring for my dying mother this past year, it was so important to feel joy. Without that ingredient, her care seemed like a burden at times. Rather than focusing on her steady decline, helpless condition, and all that must be done to care for her, I tried to focus on my gratitude and joy to have such a wonderful mother. Toward the very end I was able to find joy in knowing that she was excited to go to her new heaven home. I still cried and had all the natural human emotions when a loved one dies, but I also had joy and gratitude.
Sometimes Barry and I face difficult challenges in our work or personal lives. We find that if we talk about it too much, it can actually seem worse than it is; we feel down and we walk around dragging our feet. We have learned that when this happens we need to take a “joy walk.”
While we are walking our dogs in the fields and woods around our property, we agree to talk only about that which brings us joy. At first it can be rather silent between us, because our minds are still busy thinking about the challenge or particular sadness. But then one of us starts mentioning something that brings us joy and soon the conversation is flowing with wonderful parts of our lives. The last ten minutes of the walk we usually revisit the challenge. We find that the time away in a joyful space has brought fresh new perspective and understanding. What once had seemed overwhelming to us, now seems solvable.
Few of us can imagine not eating, drinking or sleeping. Well, joy needs to be part of that essential life survival kit. Experiencing joy brings us closer to our spirituality, the essential part of who we are. Joy needs to be part of even the most difficult situations in life. Allowing our hearts to feel joy and gratitude brings forth the spiritual power within us, and allows us to be more effective in the difficult times that we all face.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Hidden Fear of Abandonment
There is perhaps no deeper fear in the human experience than the fear of abandonment. Joyce and I have not met anyone who does not have this fear. Many people are to some extent unconsciously ruled by it, others severely crippled by it. But everyone has this fear in various degrees and must at some time in their lives confront it.
It is impossible to avoid some degree of abandonment while growing up. None of us had perfect parents who attended to our every need. Most of us cried in fear and pain and the need for love, but instead may have been placed in a crib, or had our diapers changed, or had a bottle or pacifier stuck in our mouth. Yet our deeper need was simply to be held and loved. No human parent can be there for us all the time.
With most of us, however, the fear of abandonment often expresses itself in hidden ways. Especially when we are unconscious of this particular fear, its expression can be subtle and camouflaged.
Have you ever known someone who never seemed to get enough from you? Who even made you feel guilty that you weren’t giving enough to them, or a good enough friend? Or how about someone who seemed to often test you by pushing away your love? Look deeper and you will see their fear of abandonment.
Here are three more examples involving couples:
Gavin was occasionally late coming home from work. Mia would get increasingly nervous for the first fifteen minutes and then, sometime shortly after the fifteen minute mark, she would panic. Then, when Gavin would finally arrive home, he would be met with outright anger that caused him to be afraid. Mia admitted she was over-reacting and Gavin felt he didn’t deserve that strong a reaction.
With Joyce’s and my help, Mia could see her hidden fear of abandonment expressing through the nervousness, panic, and then the anger. And Gavin remembered the pain of his childhood when his mother got angry at him, locked him in his room, and then left. He had the irrational but nevertheless painful image of Mia leaving him. Fear of abandonment was expressing through both of them. Gavin understood how important it was for him to therefore call Mia if he was approaching that magical fifteen minute lateness marker.
Ava complained that Nathan inevitably withdrew after moments of intimacy. It was especially painful to her after lovemaking, when she felt the most vulnerable. She felt pushed away by him at times when she was needing the most closeness. Her own fear of abandonment was obviously playing out in these circumstances, but both of them failed to see Nathan’s fear of abandonment. Joyce and I pointed out that intimacy and closeness brings up feelings of attachment and dependence, which in turn bring up the fear of abandonment. Nathan and Ava were able to work together and bring healing to their relationship. Their mutual awareness of both of their fears of abandonment allowed them each to reassure the other. Their key phrase that they spoke especially in intimate moments: “I’m committed to being here for you.”
In our third example, Brandon was unhappy at how tightly Alexis seemed to hold on to him. Sometimes she literally squeezed him so tightly he felt he could barely breathe. He also felt squeezed emotionally and mentally, that Alexis constantly wanted to know his feelings and thoughts, and wanted to be with him too much. Alexis, meanwhile, felt shut out by Brandon. He seemed to be pushing too hard for autonomy, like separate bank accounts, separate rooms in the house, more and more privacy.
By now I’m sure you’ve guessed correctly. That’s right, the hidden fear of abandonment expressing through both of them. Alexis, by her squeezing and control of Brandon, and Brandon, by his fear of intimacy, attachment, and dependence.
As you can see, sometimes the fear of abandonment is more obvious in one person in a relationship. Look deeper, however, and you will see the universality of this fear. Then, as a couple, this can be a shared healing opportunity rather than a his or her problem.
In our work with the issue of abandonment, we have come up with three fundamental steps in the healing process. All of these steps culminate in one crucial activity, regardless of where our fear originated or how severe it is — healing our fear of abandonment ultimately depends on our refusal to abandon ourselves. Still, as couples, we have the extraordinary opportunity to help one another to overcome this fear by being more fully present for ourselves and our partner.
1. Become conscious of our fear of being left alone. It becomes easier to do this as we learn to accept and feel the small child within ourselves, the part that is vulnerable and scared of being abandoned. We need to also see how this fear manifests in our life and relationships. This can be a painful process, because the ego-games we have previously played to protect ourselves from pain now become transparent. We can no longer pretend to only be strong, independent and invulnerable.
2. Find a deeper level of responsibility. It requires that we look within ourselves and discover the ways that we abandon ourselves. Some things can be done about the abandonment that comes from the outside but, if we stop abandoning ourselves from within, the external abandonments will not have the same influence upon us. How do we abandon ourselves? By not listening to our inner voice, the promptings of our higher knowing. By expecting all our needs to be met by our partner or someone else. By not nurturing and taking care of ourselves. By not saying “no” when we need to. By giving in to feelings of unworthiness. By giving our power to our partner. By the thousands of ways we leave or ignore our own heart.
3. Stop this unhealthy process of self-abandonment. Follow a path of personal and spiritual growth, practice being gentler and kinder to ourselves, and especially strive to accept and give love to our own inner child. It is easy to judge ourselves harshly when we slip into self-abandonment. As we focus more on correcting our own self-abandonment, rather than correcting everyone else’s abandonment of us, we become empowered and grow in spiritual maturity. Striving to be there for ourselves as well as our loved one, rather than being preoccupied with our loved one being there for us, we are doing the most to heal our fear of abandonment.
It is impossible to avoid some degree of abandonment while growing up. None of us had perfect parents who attended to our every need. Most of us cried in fear and pain and the need for love, but instead may have been placed in a crib, or had our diapers changed, or had a bottle or pacifier stuck in our mouth. Yet our deeper need was simply to be held and loved. No human parent can be there for us all the time.
With most of us, however, the fear of abandonment often expresses itself in hidden ways. Especially when we are unconscious of this particular fear, its expression can be subtle and camouflaged.
Have you ever known someone who never seemed to get enough from you? Who even made you feel guilty that you weren’t giving enough to them, or a good enough friend? Or how about someone who seemed to often test you by pushing away your love? Look deeper and you will see their fear of abandonment.
Here are three more examples involving couples:
Gavin was occasionally late coming home from work. Mia would get increasingly nervous for the first fifteen minutes and then, sometime shortly after the fifteen minute mark, she would panic. Then, when Gavin would finally arrive home, he would be met with outright anger that caused him to be afraid. Mia admitted she was over-reacting and Gavin felt he didn’t deserve that strong a reaction.
With Joyce’s and my help, Mia could see her hidden fear of abandonment expressing through the nervousness, panic, and then the anger. And Gavin remembered the pain of his childhood when his mother got angry at him, locked him in his room, and then left. He had the irrational but nevertheless painful image of Mia leaving him. Fear of abandonment was expressing through both of them. Gavin understood how important it was for him to therefore call Mia if he was approaching that magical fifteen minute lateness marker.
Ava complained that Nathan inevitably withdrew after moments of intimacy. It was especially painful to her after lovemaking, when she felt the most vulnerable. She felt pushed away by him at times when she was needing the most closeness. Her own fear of abandonment was obviously playing out in these circumstances, but both of them failed to see Nathan’s fear of abandonment. Joyce and I pointed out that intimacy and closeness brings up feelings of attachment and dependence, which in turn bring up the fear of abandonment. Nathan and Ava were able to work together and bring healing to their relationship. Their mutual awareness of both of their fears of abandonment allowed them each to reassure the other. Their key phrase that they spoke especially in intimate moments: “I’m committed to being here for you.”
In our third example, Brandon was unhappy at how tightly Alexis seemed to hold on to him. Sometimes she literally squeezed him so tightly he felt he could barely breathe. He also felt squeezed emotionally and mentally, that Alexis constantly wanted to know his feelings and thoughts, and wanted to be with him too much. Alexis, meanwhile, felt shut out by Brandon. He seemed to be pushing too hard for autonomy, like separate bank accounts, separate rooms in the house, more and more privacy.
By now I’m sure you’ve guessed correctly. That’s right, the hidden fear of abandonment expressing through both of them. Alexis, by her squeezing and control of Brandon, and Brandon, by his fear of intimacy, attachment, and dependence.
As you can see, sometimes the fear of abandonment is more obvious in one person in a relationship. Look deeper, however, and you will see the universality of this fear. Then, as a couple, this can be a shared healing opportunity rather than a his or her problem.
In our work with the issue of abandonment, we have come up with three fundamental steps in the healing process. All of these steps culminate in one crucial activity, regardless of where our fear originated or how severe it is — healing our fear of abandonment ultimately depends on our refusal to abandon ourselves. Still, as couples, we have the extraordinary opportunity to help one another to overcome this fear by being more fully present for ourselves and our partner.
1. Become conscious of our fear of being left alone. It becomes easier to do this as we learn to accept and feel the small child within ourselves, the part that is vulnerable and scared of being abandoned. We need to also see how this fear manifests in our life and relationships. This can be a painful process, because the ego-games we have previously played to protect ourselves from pain now become transparent. We can no longer pretend to only be strong, independent and invulnerable.
2. Find a deeper level of responsibility. It requires that we look within ourselves and discover the ways that we abandon ourselves. Some things can be done about the abandonment that comes from the outside but, if we stop abandoning ourselves from within, the external abandonments will not have the same influence upon us. How do we abandon ourselves? By not listening to our inner voice, the promptings of our higher knowing. By expecting all our needs to be met by our partner or someone else. By not nurturing and taking care of ourselves. By not saying “no” when we need to. By giving in to feelings of unworthiness. By giving our power to our partner. By the thousands of ways we leave or ignore our own heart.
3. Stop this unhealthy process of self-abandonment. Follow a path of personal and spiritual growth, practice being gentler and kinder to ourselves, and especially strive to accept and give love to our own inner child. It is easy to judge ourselves harshly when we slip into self-abandonment. As we focus more on correcting our own self-abandonment, rather than correcting everyone else’s abandonment of us, we become empowered and grow in spiritual maturity. Striving to be there for ourselves as well as our loved one, rather than being preoccupied with our loved one being there for us, we are doing the most to heal our fear of abandonment.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
A Different Way to Prepare for Retirement
A young couple in their mid twenties attended our week-long couple’s retreat in Hawaii. They were obviously very much in love and had been married for only one year. Barry and I were delighted that they had chosen to attend the retreat and allocate the time and money to really work on their relationship. When asked “Why?” they responded, “We’ve made a commitment to attend one couples retreat every year. This is the most important way we’re going to plan for our retirement. When we retire in 40 years we want to be as much in love as we are right now.” What beautiful wisdom, coming from such a young couple.
A few weeks ago we were with several people of retirement age. Barry and I are almost of retirement age, but we don’t plan on retiring for at least twenty more years. Why retire from something that we love so much. Anyway, these people were all talking about their retirement packages, 401-k’s, Roth IRA’s, SEP IRA’s, stocks and funds, etc. One person mentioned that they only have one million dollars for their retirement and they are worried. Another mentioned that they have almost two million but feel they need more. The conversation went on and on, with the two of us becoming more and more quiet. Our retirement funds are so small it almost isn’t worth mentioning. We have been busy giving our three children the best education possible, and doing the work that bring us the most fulfillment.
When we were alone again, we talked about the conversations we had just witnessed. At first, our minds thought there must be something terribly wrong with the way we had been living our lives. Then the wisdom of our hearts replaced those thoughts, and we realized that love is our real wealth. Much like the young couple that came to our retreat, our goal has always been to experience a deeper and deeper growing love with each other. As a doctor and nurse, we have put off possible high incomes in our respective fields, for a much reduced income and work that we are truly passionate about, work that allows us to go deeper into our love. Yes, our financial retirement plan is nothing to brag about, but our love retirement plan has been abundantly growing.
There is nothing wrong with making money and having a comfortable retirement plan. However many people do this to the detriment of their relationships, as well as living their purpose here on earth. I know a man who was obsessed with making money. He wanted to be sure that he had enough when it was his turn to retire. He worked very long hours, and did not want to take vacations. Locked away in his office, he missed much of his children’s growing up. His wife begged him to not work so much and spend more time with her and the children. He always came back with the same line, “We need to have enough money when we retire, then we will go on trips and have all the fun that you want.”
His children grew up and moved far away, and still this man continued to work extra long hours at the office. By now he was a very wealthy man, but he kept feeling that they needed more money. His workaholism had become his lifestyle. He had forfeited his freedom and joy.
Then he started noticing that his wife seemed to be forgetting things more than usual. He also noticed that the house was not as neat as she had always kept it. She was not taking as good care of her appearance either. He tried to ignore these signs by working more at the office. Finally he could ignore his wife’s deterioration no more. He came home one day and found a small fire on the stove. She had left the pot on a high burner. He took her to a doctor and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor suggested that she be placed in a caring institution right away, as she could hurt herself if left alone.
The man retired with all of his great wealth. He now spends each day going to visit his wife, who no longer recognizes him. His children are estranged and angry with him for never being there for them. What good did all that extra time at the office do? True, he has an abundance of money, but no happy memories of his family to go with it.
When planning for your retirement, balance is the most important. If you think in terms of money only, you will miss the mark. Call it a new model of diversified retirement plan. Plan also for an abundance of love. We watched “Dan in Real Life” on DVD. Steve Carrell’s part as a widowed father, trying to protect his three girls, thinks he is doing the right thing and knows more about love by separating his middle daughter from her boyfriend. Before the boyfriend leaves, he summons up his courage and says, “Love is not only a feeling, it’s also an ability.”
Love doesn’t just happen. Love takes time and energy and a willingness to work through all the hard places. Love takes a firm commitment to make your relationship the priority in your life. We all know how incredibly sweet it is to see an elderly couple in their 80s or 90s, holding hands and looking at each other adoringly. Well that kind of love doesn’t just happen. It is an ability that is cultivated over the years through kindness, thoughtfulness and a willingness to really be there for the other. To have that kind of love makes for a beautiful retirement. Happiness does not come from things that money can buy. True happiness comes from knowing that you have loved others and have received love in return.
A few weeks ago we were with several people of retirement age. Barry and I are almost of retirement age, but we don’t plan on retiring for at least twenty more years. Why retire from something that we love so much. Anyway, these people were all talking about their retirement packages, 401-k’s, Roth IRA’s, SEP IRA’s, stocks and funds, etc. One person mentioned that they only have one million dollars for their retirement and they are worried. Another mentioned that they have almost two million but feel they need more. The conversation went on and on, with the two of us becoming more and more quiet. Our retirement funds are so small it almost isn’t worth mentioning. We have been busy giving our three children the best education possible, and doing the work that bring us the most fulfillment.
When we were alone again, we talked about the conversations we had just witnessed. At first, our minds thought there must be something terribly wrong with the way we had been living our lives. Then the wisdom of our hearts replaced those thoughts, and we realized that love is our real wealth. Much like the young couple that came to our retreat, our goal has always been to experience a deeper and deeper growing love with each other. As a doctor and nurse, we have put off possible high incomes in our respective fields, for a much reduced income and work that we are truly passionate about, work that allows us to go deeper into our love. Yes, our financial retirement plan is nothing to brag about, but our love retirement plan has been abundantly growing.
There is nothing wrong with making money and having a comfortable retirement plan. However many people do this to the detriment of their relationships, as well as living their purpose here on earth. I know a man who was obsessed with making money. He wanted to be sure that he had enough when it was his turn to retire. He worked very long hours, and did not want to take vacations. Locked away in his office, he missed much of his children’s growing up. His wife begged him to not work so much and spend more time with her and the children. He always came back with the same line, “We need to have enough money when we retire, then we will go on trips and have all the fun that you want.”
His children grew up and moved far away, and still this man continued to work extra long hours at the office. By now he was a very wealthy man, but he kept feeling that they needed more money. His workaholism had become his lifestyle. He had forfeited his freedom and joy.
Then he started noticing that his wife seemed to be forgetting things more than usual. He also noticed that the house was not as neat as she had always kept it. She was not taking as good care of her appearance either. He tried to ignore these signs by working more at the office. Finally he could ignore his wife’s deterioration no more. He came home one day and found a small fire on the stove. She had left the pot on a high burner. He took her to a doctor and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor suggested that she be placed in a caring institution right away, as she could hurt herself if left alone.
The man retired with all of his great wealth. He now spends each day going to visit his wife, who no longer recognizes him. His children are estranged and angry with him for never being there for them. What good did all that extra time at the office do? True, he has an abundance of money, but no happy memories of his family to go with it.
When planning for your retirement, balance is the most important. If you think in terms of money only, you will miss the mark. Call it a new model of diversified retirement plan. Plan also for an abundance of love. We watched “Dan in Real Life” on DVD. Steve Carrell’s part as a widowed father, trying to protect his three girls, thinks he is doing the right thing and knows more about love by separating his middle daughter from her boyfriend. Before the boyfriend leaves, he summons up his courage and says, “Love is not only a feeling, it’s also an ability.”
Love doesn’t just happen. Love takes time and energy and a willingness to work through all the hard places. Love takes a firm commitment to make your relationship the priority in your life. We all know how incredibly sweet it is to see an elderly couple in their 80s or 90s, holding hands and looking at each other adoringly. Well that kind of love doesn’t just happen. It is an ability that is cultivated over the years through kindness, thoughtfulness and a willingness to really be there for the other. To have that kind of love makes for a beautiful retirement. Happiness does not come from things that money can buy. True happiness comes from knowing that you have loved others and have received love in return.
The Subtle Shades of Infidelity
At a Christmas party at his office, Ben had a little too much to drink and ended up kissing a coworker in a dark hallway where they were momentarily alone. Pressed against him, she and he both felt the growing erection in his pants and, at the same time, the pangs of conscience. Both of them felt embarrassed by their actions and immediately returned to the party.
Later that evening, after getting into bed with his wife Laurie after she had finished with the children’s bedtime rituals, Ben confessed and apologized for what had happened at the party. However, he omitted the erection part. Even though he felt ashamed of himself for not being completely forthcoming, he still emphasized to his wife that it was only a kiss, and nothing more.
Laurie sat in stunned silence for what seemed to Ben an eternity. When she finally spoke, it was to ask him to sleep in the guest room.
Did Ben’s actions constitute an affair?
Cynthia had a special friend, Frederick, with whom she had deep conversations about life, love, and often, her relationship difficulties with her husband, Garrett. She felt too ashamed to tell her husband just how fulfilled and excited she felt from these often secret conversations. Frederick was Garrett’s friend long before he had ever met Cynthia. It was not unusual for Garrett to get home from work late and, instead of dinner being ready, Cynthia was on the phone with Frederick. Cynthia would end her phone conversation shortly after Garrett came into the room. For a long time, Garrett rationalized that they were just friends. They barely even hugged when they saw one another. Still, he felt increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship.
Was Cynthia having an affair?
Troy happened to meet Esther online in a chat room. He just liked conversing online with her. There was a subtle chemistry, or connection, he enjoyed, even though their banter was innocuous. They had exchanged photos of themselves, he knew she was single, AND he had told her he was single. Assured that nothing was happening despite his “little” lie, he felt it was unnecessary to mention this “relationship” to his wife, Cheryl, even though four months of “chatting” had been going on almost every day.
Surely this could not be an affair!
So, what is your answer? Do any of these three scenarios qualify as an affair? The traditional definition of an affair is having sex with one person while being in a relationship with another person, but Joyce and I have found that infidelity shows up in many different, and often subtle, ways.
The essential ingredient of an affair is secrecy. If there is something you are doing with another person, feeling about another person, or even thinking about another person, and you are too ashamed or afraid to tell your primary partner, then you are having an affair. We’re not talking about walking down the street and watching a scantily clad attractive person move across your field of view – unless this happens often and then you fantasize about doing certain things with this person, and it remains a secret and takes you away from being with your partner. Then it can be a problem. We’re referring more to the above three examples. Yes, some of you guessed correctly, all three are affairs. Ben’s encounter with his coworker was more than a kiss, but what especially defines it as an affair is the omission of his sexual arousal in the story he told his wife. Cynthia’s phone conversations with Frederick may not have been much of a secret to her husband, Garret, but the secrecy of the content and, more importantly, the depth of her feelings, are what defines this relationship as an affair. And lastly, Troy’s four months of almost daily “chats” with Esther was a complete secret to his wife, coupled with his lying about being single. This is most certainly an affair.
“The truth shall set you free,” is no idle statement. If Ben would have told Laurie the complete truth, she might have asked him to leave the house, rather than just the bedroom. But with the whole truth out in the open, Ben and Laurie could have the greatest chance of getting the help they need to have even more love. If Cynthia was completely honest with Garrett true, it would most likely hurt him more deeply, but would it cause more pain and suffering in the long run? We think not. The deepest suffering is caused by secrecy, which slowly erodes love. It’s the same for Troy’s secret online “pal.”
So how can you have connections with other people while married or in a monogamous relationship? The answer is simple: include – and respect the feelings of – your primary partner, so it’s not a secret. Imaging sitting or conversing with someone else, and your primary partner suddenly walks into the room. Would there be a way for you to immediately welcome and include your mate into the conversation? If so, then you’re healthy with your boundaries. If you create a relationship with someone that excludes your mate, or a conversation that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with your mate (except of course with a professional counselor or therapist), you cause separation, secrecy, and suffering.
I have to admit, my lack of healthy boundaries, and my lack of sensitivity to Joyce’s feelings, caused her lots of pain early in our marriage. I created relationships that did not include her. I touched a few hot stoves, burned myself but good, then learned some valuable lessons. I’ve learned the joy of feeling Joyce in my heart no matter where I am or who I’m with. This actually allows me to love other people more deeply, for I love as two people, not just one. Joyce does the same. We hold each other deeply together, whether physically together or not. As a result, people feel safer with us.
Joyce and I invite you to this level of honesty with your mate, which will allow you a whole new world of oneness and love.
Later that evening, after getting into bed with his wife Laurie after she had finished with the children’s bedtime rituals, Ben confessed and apologized for what had happened at the party. However, he omitted the erection part. Even though he felt ashamed of himself for not being completely forthcoming, he still emphasized to his wife that it was only a kiss, and nothing more.
Laurie sat in stunned silence for what seemed to Ben an eternity. When she finally spoke, it was to ask him to sleep in the guest room.
Did Ben’s actions constitute an affair?
Cynthia had a special friend, Frederick, with whom she had deep conversations about life, love, and often, her relationship difficulties with her husband, Garrett. She felt too ashamed to tell her husband just how fulfilled and excited she felt from these often secret conversations. Frederick was Garrett’s friend long before he had ever met Cynthia. It was not unusual for Garrett to get home from work late and, instead of dinner being ready, Cynthia was on the phone with Frederick. Cynthia would end her phone conversation shortly after Garrett came into the room. For a long time, Garrett rationalized that they were just friends. They barely even hugged when they saw one another. Still, he felt increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship.
Was Cynthia having an affair?
Troy happened to meet Esther online in a chat room. He just liked conversing online with her. There was a subtle chemistry, or connection, he enjoyed, even though their banter was innocuous. They had exchanged photos of themselves, he knew she was single, AND he had told her he was single. Assured that nothing was happening despite his “little” lie, he felt it was unnecessary to mention this “relationship” to his wife, Cheryl, even though four months of “chatting” had been going on almost every day.
Surely this could not be an affair!
So, what is your answer? Do any of these three scenarios qualify as an affair? The traditional definition of an affair is having sex with one person while being in a relationship with another person, but Joyce and I have found that infidelity shows up in many different, and often subtle, ways.
The essential ingredient of an affair is secrecy. If there is something you are doing with another person, feeling about another person, or even thinking about another person, and you are too ashamed or afraid to tell your primary partner, then you are having an affair. We’re not talking about walking down the street and watching a scantily clad attractive person move across your field of view – unless this happens often and then you fantasize about doing certain things with this person, and it remains a secret and takes you away from being with your partner. Then it can be a problem. We’re referring more to the above three examples. Yes, some of you guessed correctly, all three are affairs. Ben’s encounter with his coworker was more than a kiss, but what especially defines it as an affair is the omission of his sexual arousal in the story he told his wife. Cynthia’s phone conversations with Frederick may not have been much of a secret to her husband, Garret, but the secrecy of the content and, more importantly, the depth of her feelings, are what defines this relationship as an affair. And lastly, Troy’s four months of almost daily “chats” with Esther was a complete secret to his wife, coupled with his lying about being single. This is most certainly an affair.
“The truth shall set you free,” is no idle statement. If Ben would have told Laurie the complete truth, she might have asked him to leave the house, rather than just the bedroom. But with the whole truth out in the open, Ben and Laurie could have the greatest chance of getting the help they need to have even more love. If Cynthia was completely honest with Garrett true, it would most likely hurt him more deeply, but would it cause more pain and suffering in the long run? We think not. The deepest suffering is caused by secrecy, which slowly erodes love. It’s the same for Troy’s secret online “pal.”
So how can you have connections with other people while married or in a monogamous relationship? The answer is simple: include – and respect the feelings of – your primary partner, so it’s not a secret. Imaging sitting or conversing with someone else, and your primary partner suddenly walks into the room. Would there be a way for you to immediately welcome and include your mate into the conversation? If so, then you’re healthy with your boundaries. If you create a relationship with someone that excludes your mate, or a conversation that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with your mate (except of course with a professional counselor or therapist), you cause separation, secrecy, and suffering.
I have to admit, my lack of healthy boundaries, and my lack of sensitivity to Joyce’s feelings, caused her lots of pain early in our marriage. I created relationships that did not include her. I touched a few hot stoves, burned myself but good, then learned some valuable lessons. I’ve learned the joy of feeling Joyce in my heart no matter where I am or who I’m with. This actually allows me to love other people more deeply, for I love as two people, not just one. Joyce does the same. We hold each other deeply together, whether physically together or not. As a result, people feel safer with us.
Joyce and I invite you to this level of honesty with your mate, which will allow you a whole new world of oneness and love.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Singles—Gather The Gifts Between Relationships
“The mind seeks an easy relationship. The heart seeks a spiritual partner.”
—The Shared Heart
This particular quote, written 27 years ago in our first book, has been quoted more times than anything else we have written. How natural for our minds to try to avoid pain and find an easy relationship, when in truth our heart, the deeper place of wisdom within us, is seeking a true partner.
When a relationship ends it is vitally important to spend enough time alone, listening to our hearts, fully feeling all our feelings, and learning the lessons of the relationship. So much energy has most likely been spent in first trying to make the relationship work and then in the process of ending the relationship. The time when a relationship actually ends can seem without focus or purpose. The tendency with most people is to distract themselves, become depressed, be consumed with anger for the other person or anger at themselves. A big distraction is the internet matching services and all its promises of finding that “easy” partner. All too often people are back on the internet looking before the present relationship has even officially ended.
The space immediately after ending a relationship can be a very valuable period in our lives. If a person distracts themselves or rushes into another relationship, the gifts and lessons of the previous relationship could be difficult to bring forth. Even hours spent “harmlessly” going over prospective relationship profiles on the internet can distract a person from the true work of learning from a past relationship. As long as a person is looking outward, he or she can not do the important work of looking inward. A friend of ours ended a relationship of four years in which a child had been born. He described his life as a giant jigsaw puzzle which had dropped to the ground. Some major pieces stayed together, others separated and went all over. He realized he could quickly gather the pieces, stuff them into a sack and, before the puzzle was whole, begin a new relationship. He saw how, once a new relationship had begun, he would be building a new puzzle without the other one being complete. He realized he needed to take time and bring the broken puzzle to wholeness and this completion would open the door for the new.
The period between relationships is rich with lessons and growth. Focusing blame on either your partner or upon yourself will blind you to the divine lesson to be learned. Spend time in silence asking yourself why you were brought together with this person. What is the lesson to be learned? What were the gifts you were able to give in the relationship? What further gifts would you like to give in your next relationship? What gifts did you receive? Then focus on gratitude for the time spent with this person. We feel that there is a destiny to each relationship. There is a divine hand helping to bring two people together. Sometimes a relationship is long term, sometimes short. But regardless of the length, all relationships come to teach us something important. Our book, Meant To Be, tells amazing true stories of finding love, renewing love, and love that survives even death. Some of those relationships are not long, but all of them are “meant to be,” for they bring life-changing lessons of love. The key to success in all relationships, long or short, is to be continually learning how to open our hearts.
This past relationship was a gift from the universe given to both of you according to the highest wisdom of both of your needs. As you can feel your gratitude for the relationship, understanding and wisdom — and therefore peace — will come. In time your heart will truly open to the other person and you will feel the blessing of the relationship. The fact that the relationship did not last as long as you had hoped will cease to be important. The realization that you learned and grew and opened your heart will bless your entire life. If you are having trouble finding peace from a past relationship, seek professional help from someone who deeply understands the relationship process. It is vitally important for you to have a resolution within your heart, before you begin to seek a new relationship.
If there is a strong desire in your heart for a healthy relationship, then know it is there for a reason and you deserve that fulfilling love in your life. Taking this important time to do the work of the heart between relationships, can bring healing and openness for this new partner. Feel how much you already love this person, and that love becomes a magnet that will draw the person to you. Remember your mind is going to seek something easy, but your heart will seek a true spiritual partner where you will both grow in love, understanding, healing and respect. We hope you will make the choice to follow your heart.
—The Shared Heart
This particular quote, written 27 years ago in our first book, has been quoted more times than anything else we have written. How natural for our minds to try to avoid pain and find an easy relationship, when in truth our heart, the deeper place of wisdom within us, is seeking a true partner.
When a relationship ends it is vitally important to spend enough time alone, listening to our hearts, fully feeling all our feelings, and learning the lessons of the relationship. So much energy has most likely been spent in first trying to make the relationship work and then in the process of ending the relationship. The time when a relationship actually ends can seem without focus or purpose. The tendency with most people is to distract themselves, become depressed, be consumed with anger for the other person or anger at themselves. A big distraction is the internet matching services and all its promises of finding that “easy” partner. All too often people are back on the internet looking before the present relationship has even officially ended.
The space immediately after ending a relationship can be a very valuable period in our lives. If a person distracts themselves or rushes into another relationship, the gifts and lessons of the previous relationship could be difficult to bring forth. Even hours spent “harmlessly” going over prospective relationship profiles on the internet can distract a person from the true work of learning from a past relationship. As long as a person is looking outward, he or she can not do the important work of looking inward. A friend of ours ended a relationship of four years in which a child had been born. He described his life as a giant jigsaw puzzle which had dropped to the ground. Some major pieces stayed together, others separated and went all over. He realized he could quickly gather the pieces, stuff them into a sack and, before the puzzle was whole, begin a new relationship. He saw how, once a new relationship had begun, he would be building a new puzzle without the other one being complete. He realized he needed to take time and bring the broken puzzle to wholeness and this completion would open the door for the new.
The period between relationships is rich with lessons and growth. Focusing blame on either your partner or upon yourself will blind you to the divine lesson to be learned. Spend time in silence asking yourself why you were brought together with this person. What is the lesson to be learned? What were the gifts you were able to give in the relationship? What further gifts would you like to give in your next relationship? What gifts did you receive? Then focus on gratitude for the time spent with this person. We feel that there is a destiny to each relationship. There is a divine hand helping to bring two people together. Sometimes a relationship is long term, sometimes short. But regardless of the length, all relationships come to teach us something important. Our book, Meant To Be, tells amazing true stories of finding love, renewing love, and love that survives even death. Some of those relationships are not long, but all of them are “meant to be,” for they bring life-changing lessons of love. The key to success in all relationships, long or short, is to be continually learning how to open our hearts.
This past relationship was a gift from the universe given to both of you according to the highest wisdom of both of your needs. As you can feel your gratitude for the relationship, understanding and wisdom — and therefore peace — will come. In time your heart will truly open to the other person and you will feel the blessing of the relationship. The fact that the relationship did not last as long as you had hoped will cease to be important. The realization that you learned and grew and opened your heart will bless your entire life. If you are having trouble finding peace from a past relationship, seek professional help from someone who deeply understands the relationship process. It is vitally important for you to have a resolution within your heart, before you begin to seek a new relationship.
If there is a strong desire in your heart for a healthy relationship, then know it is there for a reason and you deserve that fulfilling love in your life. Taking this important time to do the work of the heart between relationships, can bring healing and openness for this new partner. Feel how much you already love this person, and that love becomes a magnet that will draw the person to you. Remember your mind is going to seek something easy, but your heart will seek a true spiritual partner where you will both grow in love, understanding, healing and respect. We hope you will make the choice to follow your heart.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Opening to Your Life Partner
In our book, Meant To Be, thirty-three year old Kat Trueblood describes herself as tired of dating. It was the spring of 1989, and while visiting a friend near where she was living in Colorado, she picked up and started reading a copy of our first book, The Shared Heart. Unable to put it down, but needing to leave, her friend gave her the book. She’s embarrassed to admit this, but she continued reading our book while driving home. (Please don’t ever try this!)
One paragraph spoke directly to her longing heart: “In wanting to be with your life partner, go past the wish list, the details and qualities that you want. Your mind is a poor judge of who is right. Instead, feel how much you already love this person. It is this love that will draw the right person to you.” These words became her mantra, and the concept became her daily meditation.
That next fall, she came to a workshop we led entitled, “Opening to your Life Partner.” Walking into the kitchen to get a cup of tea, she bumped into John Astin, our friend and musician for the workshop. In her own words, “We took one look at each other and I knew inside that my life would never be the same. It was as if time stood still as we glimpsed deeply into one another’s soul. It felt like a reunion, as if we already deeply knew each other. Although John didn’t fit my “checklist” of who I thought I wanted for my life partner, he inspired me more than anyone else ever had.”
Like Kat Trueblood-Astin, do you feel ready to attract your life partner? Joyce and I feel there is no more powerful way than to feel your heart connection with this person. Imagine someone you have deeply loved a very long time ago (and who deeply loves you) suddenly walks into your life today. It is the depth of the heart connection that determines the power of the reunion. It would be as if time did not exist, and it was only yesterday when you loved one another. True love melts time.
Like Kat, throw away your checklist. The deeper you feel your love for this special person, the more powerful a magnet you become. Love is always the magnet that draws lovers together. In this internet universe, singles are putting too much attention on the other person, and not enough attention on the great love just waiting for a reunion.
How else can you open to your life partner? Feel how you deserve to fully receive as well as give love. Receiving love is a true gift we give our partner. When I receive Joyce’s love, it makes her very happy. In your quiet times, receive love from your future lover. Allow yourself to bask in the glow of his or her love. If it is more difficult for you to give than to receive, then your meditation must include an outpouring from your heart to the heart of your lover-to-be.
What kinds of beliefs/feelings are in the way of this sublime reunion? There can be many. Here are some.
“It’s too late for me.” Some people put a time limit on finding a beloved, as if it’s a sporting event or special kind of contest. If it hasn’t happened by now, then it never will. Another story from Meant To Be, describes the miraculous reunion of Walter and Sylvia Levine – after fifty years of being apart. Walter concludes his story in this way, “The years of being apart fade from memory as love fills the very depths of our hearts.”
“I’m damaged goods.” Is it possible to have too much baggage from the past, to be too wounded by our life history? Joyce and I believe not. Over the years of studying relationships, we have seen firsthand that a mutual deep attraction between two persons involves an equal proportion of love shared by both partners … and an equal proportion of baggage. Not necessarily the same quality of wounds and hurts, but the same quantity. A special opportunity exists in every relationship for each partner to help soothe the hurts of the other. When one person in a couple feels more “damaged,” Joyce and I gently probe and reveal the hidden “damage” in the other person.
“I’m afraid of too much closeness.” We all are to some degree. Intimacy is “into me see.” The closer we get to another person, the more that person sees our vulnerability, the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. Which brings us to the next one:
“When they see who I really am, they’re going to leave.” In a recent article, I wrote about the all-pervasive and sometimes hidden fear of abandonment. We can either hide from this fear by avoiding relationship, or face it head-on by diving into love, and discovering our fear is like the morning fog that is burned away by the more powerful light of the sun.
“I’m afraid of losing myself.” How do I keep my individuality while merging as a couple? People have described the pain of losing their power and sense of personal identity. I had this fear many years ago. Can I stay “me” while joining hearts with Joyce? True, there have been times when I have lost myself, when my boundaries have blurred, but in the end I have discovered that I have lost the parts of myself I did not need, and gained a deeper sense of autonomy, the true freedom that comes with loving completely, without reservation.
If there is a longing within your heart to share your life with a beloved, keep opening your heart to this person, even though you do not know who they are, and continue to work on removing the beliefs and feelings that are in the way. Know that it is worth the inner work, no matter how long it takes. Relationship offers a vehicle to take two people to the highest heights, while opening the ground to reveal the ecstasy of deeply intertwined roots. Looking into the eyes of your beloved, it becomes impossible to see only that person. If you keep looking, you will see and feel the splendor of the divine being, who is you as well as your beloved.
One paragraph spoke directly to her longing heart: “In wanting to be with your life partner, go past the wish list, the details and qualities that you want. Your mind is a poor judge of who is right. Instead, feel how much you already love this person. It is this love that will draw the right person to you.” These words became her mantra, and the concept became her daily meditation.
That next fall, she came to a workshop we led entitled, “Opening to your Life Partner.” Walking into the kitchen to get a cup of tea, she bumped into John Astin, our friend and musician for the workshop. In her own words, “We took one look at each other and I knew inside that my life would never be the same. It was as if time stood still as we glimpsed deeply into one another’s soul. It felt like a reunion, as if we already deeply knew each other. Although John didn’t fit my “checklist” of who I thought I wanted for my life partner, he inspired me more than anyone else ever had.”
Like Kat Trueblood-Astin, do you feel ready to attract your life partner? Joyce and I feel there is no more powerful way than to feel your heart connection with this person. Imagine someone you have deeply loved a very long time ago (and who deeply loves you) suddenly walks into your life today. It is the depth of the heart connection that determines the power of the reunion. It would be as if time did not exist, and it was only yesterday when you loved one another. True love melts time.
Like Kat, throw away your checklist. The deeper you feel your love for this special person, the more powerful a magnet you become. Love is always the magnet that draws lovers together. In this internet universe, singles are putting too much attention on the other person, and not enough attention on the great love just waiting for a reunion.
How else can you open to your life partner? Feel how you deserve to fully receive as well as give love. Receiving love is a true gift we give our partner. When I receive Joyce’s love, it makes her very happy. In your quiet times, receive love from your future lover. Allow yourself to bask in the glow of his or her love. If it is more difficult for you to give than to receive, then your meditation must include an outpouring from your heart to the heart of your lover-to-be.
What kinds of beliefs/feelings are in the way of this sublime reunion? There can be many. Here are some.
“It’s too late for me.” Some people put a time limit on finding a beloved, as if it’s a sporting event or special kind of contest. If it hasn’t happened by now, then it never will. Another story from Meant To Be, describes the miraculous reunion of Walter and Sylvia Levine – after fifty years of being apart. Walter concludes his story in this way, “The years of being apart fade from memory as love fills the very depths of our hearts.”
“I’m damaged goods.” Is it possible to have too much baggage from the past, to be too wounded by our life history? Joyce and I believe not. Over the years of studying relationships, we have seen firsthand that a mutual deep attraction between two persons involves an equal proportion of love shared by both partners … and an equal proportion of baggage. Not necessarily the same quality of wounds and hurts, but the same quantity. A special opportunity exists in every relationship for each partner to help soothe the hurts of the other. When one person in a couple feels more “damaged,” Joyce and I gently probe and reveal the hidden “damage” in the other person.
“I’m afraid of too much closeness.” We all are to some degree. Intimacy is “into me see.” The closer we get to another person, the more that person sees our vulnerability, the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. Which brings us to the next one:
“When they see who I really am, they’re going to leave.” In a recent article, I wrote about the all-pervasive and sometimes hidden fear of abandonment. We can either hide from this fear by avoiding relationship, or face it head-on by diving into love, and discovering our fear is like the morning fog that is burned away by the more powerful light of the sun.
“I’m afraid of losing myself.” How do I keep my individuality while merging as a couple? People have described the pain of losing their power and sense of personal identity. I had this fear many years ago. Can I stay “me” while joining hearts with Joyce? True, there have been times when I have lost myself, when my boundaries have blurred, but in the end I have discovered that I have lost the parts of myself I did not need, and gained a deeper sense of autonomy, the true freedom that comes with loving completely, without reservation.
If there is a longing within your heart to share your life with a beloved, keep opening your heart to this person, even though you do not know who they are, and continue to work on removing the beliefs and feelings that are in the way. Know that it is worth the inner work, no matter how long it takes. Relationship offers a vehicle to take two people to the highest heights, while opening the ground to reveal the ecstasy of deeply intertwined roots. Looking into the eyes of your beloved, it becomes impossible to see only that person. If you keep looking, you will see and feel the splendor of the divine being, who is you as well as your beloved.
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