Joyce and I have come up with what we feel are 40 of the most important ingredients of a healthy relationship. We’ve put them into the following self-evaluation checklist so that both you and your partner can honestly rate your relationship, and then compare checklists to not only talk about the weak areas or the discrepancies in your ratings, but also celebrate your strengths. Some of the items may be difficult to discuss. It’s not uncommon for couples to have never discussed some of these issues. If you have trouble communicating, it’s important get help in the form of individual counseling sessions or a couple’s workshop.
Please make copies of this checklist so both of you can fill one out separately and then compare answers. After each item, write two numbers. The first number indicates your level of satisfaction, with 0 equaling no satisfaction, 5 average, and 10 complete satisfaction. Then write a second number that you think/feel represents your partner’s level of satisfaction.
The depth of our communication together:
The expression of my appreciation for my partner:
My partner’s expression of his/her appreciation for me:
The way I show affection:
The way my partner shows affection:
My expression of my need for my partner’s love:
My partner’s expression of her/his need for my love:
The way I listen to my partner:
The way my partner listens to me:
My trust in my partner:
My partner’s trust in me:
My commitment to my partner:
My partner’s commitment to me:
My emotional safety:
My partner’s emotional safety:
Our process of decision making:
The way we work together as a team:
My acceptance of my partner’s differences:
My partner’s acceptance of my differences:
Our conflict management:
My admitting to being wrong:
My partner’s admitting to being wrong:
How I see/honor the child inside my partner:
How my partner sees/honors the child inside me:
My partner’s support of my dreams/goals:
My support of my partner’s dreams/goals:
The way we share spiritual ideas and practices:
Our sexual relationship:
The priority the relationship is for me:
The priority the relationship is for my partner:
How I take care of myself as an individual:
How my partner takes care of him/herself as an individual:
How we manage money together:
My generosity with my partner:
My partner’s generosity with me:
My relationship with my partner’s family:
My partner’s relationship with my family.
How well we play together:
How well we sleep together:
The amount of laughter in our relationship:
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Conscious Codependence
Codependent behavior can destroy relationships and produce much
unhappiness. There are recovery groups all over the world dedicated to
helping people with this often crippling personal and relationship dynamic.
How do we heal codependence?
I need to begin with a good definition of this term? Codependence literally
means “dependence together,” or mutual dependence. Originating in the
twelve-step recovery movement, it was used to describe how an individual,
by either action or inaction, perpetuates a partner or spouse’s addiction
or harmful behavior. The classic example is the wife who is in denial of
her husband’s alcoholism. Perhaps she tries harder to love him, or she
tries to control his drinking by emptying the liquor bottles down the sink.
The codependent person has usually learned in childhood to make another
person’s needs more important than their own, and therefore often becomes
a caretaker of others to the detriment of themselves.
However, I have developed a broader definition of codependence as
unconscious need or dependence upon another person. It is, in a way, a
refusal to acknowledge the importance of our own emotional needs. To a
degree, this definition applies to all of us.
Interdependence, on the other hand, is the awareness of our need for one
another. Embracing our interdependence brings more love and consciousness
into all of our relationships.
There is a vast difference between feeling our need for another (an aspect
of interdependence) and expecting or demanding another to fill that need
(an aspect of codependence). Interdependence implies taking responsibility
for our feelings, desires and actions. When we don't take responsibility
for our feelings, a codependent interaction is the result. For example, the
other day I felt annoyed with Joyce because I couldn't find my slippers and
was convinced she had put them away. In my unconscious mind, I wanted and
expected Joyce ("Mommy") to take care of my inner child. If, in that
moment, I could have recognized that my need for love was far greater than
my need for my slippers, it’s possible I could’ve been vulnerable with
Joyce, and thus had a loving connection with her. When we touch this
conscious awareness of our need for another, we touch the joy of
interdependence – and we heal our codependence.
Another example of codependence is the mother who complains to her grown
children that they don't telephone her enough. (I’m not pointing fingers
here!) Her complaining is an unconscious cover-up for her need for their
love and attention. The result is often not what she wants: her children
feel guilty or angry, and end up calling her even less. If she can be more
emotionally honest and simply share her need for love and connection with
her family, her honesty will give her the best possible chance of receiving
what she needs.
Our codependence can often be traced to our inner child's need for love,
our fear of that need not being met, and our protective mechanism (my anger
over my slippers and the mother's complaining) to keep this vulnerable
child hidden from view – and therefore protected from possible hurt or
rejection. The healing comes when we find the courage to make peace with
the needs of our vulnerable inner child.
It is healthy to feel our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual
needs for others, because this represents a humble acceptance of where we
stand as human beings. It is unhealthy, however, to project those needs
onto someone else and expect or demand that they do something about them.
This projection is manipulative and is the root of codependent behavior. It
is looking outside of ourselves for the source of our happiness. We will
never find it out there. The healthy position is to feel both our human
need for love as well as the divine source of that love in ourselves and in
others.
Joyce and I certainly have our share of codependence. When we eat at a
restaurant and the waiter comes over to ask Joyce if she wants something to
drink, she will automatically turn towards me to see if I want something to
drink. And I will turn toward Joyce if the waiter asks me if I want
something. Yes, perhaps it can be seen as being polite, but there’s an
unconscious element to it as well, as if neither one of us can make a
decision for ourselves.
Then there’s the clothing we wear. One beautifully sunny day, we parked
at the beach to walk our dogs. I decided it was warm enough to leave my
sweatshirt in the car, and tried to convince Joyce that she didn’t need
to bring her sweatshirt either. She decided to bring it anyway. I actually
got slightly annoyed because I had just locked the car. Now I felt I had to
unlock the car to retrieve my own sweatshirt. Even though I didn’t want
it, Joyce was bringing hers and that meant, for me, that I had to bring
mine too!
Is that codependent or what? Before long, we started laughing at the
absurdity of this codependent interaction. We were able to laugh because we
became conscious of our own codependence. And because of this awareness, it
was no longer codependence. Through our laughing awareness, our
codependence became transformed into interdependence.
We need to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves about our codependence,
our unconscious ways of relating. Yet our eventual healing and fulfillment
lies in accepting our interdependence, the awareness that we are not alone
on this planet. We need each other very much. Our survival as a species
depends on our interdependence. We can only survive through love and
cooperation ... and acceptance of our need for one another as well as our
need to give to one another.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
February 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE. $225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299. Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839 thesourceabq.com
March 5-6
REDWOOD VALLEY COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $450 (includes meals and camping). $500 after Feb 25. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 12-13
SEATTLE, WA (SINGLES & COUPLES)
South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213.
March 27-April 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option, includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
April 13-17
PERSONAL MENTORSHIP ENDING RETREAT. Aptos, CA ... more info
April 30-May 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
May 13-15
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.
May 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
June 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.
July 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.
July 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
October 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
October 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt.
Please click on SharedHeart.org for inspiring articles about
relationship and consciousness, as well as our schedule.
unhappiness. There are recovery groups all over the world dedicated to
helping people with this often crippling personal and relationship dynamic.
How do we heal codependence?
I need to begin with a good definition of this term? Codependence literally
means “dependence together,” or mutual dependence. Originating in the
twelve-step recovery movement, it was used to describe how an individual,
by either action or inaction, perpetuates a partner or spouse’s addiction
or harmful behavior. The classic example is the wife who is in denial of
her husband’s alcoholism. Perhaps she tries harder to love him, or she
tries to control his drinking by emptying the liquor bottles down the sink.
The codependent person has usually learned in childhood to make another
person’s needs more important than their own, and therefore often becomes
a caretaker of others to the detriment of themselves.
However, I have developed a broader definition of codependence as
unconscious need or dependence upon another person. It is, in a way, a
refusal to acknowledge the importance of our own emotional needs. To a
degree, this definition applies to all of us.
Interdependence, on the other hand, is the awareness of our need for one
another. Embracing our interdependence brings more love and consciousness
into all of our relationships.
There is a vast difference between feeling our need for another (an aspect
of interdependence) and expecting or demanding another to fill that need
(an aspect of codependence). Interdependence implies taking responsibility
for our feelings, desires and actions. When we don't take responsibility
for our feelings, a codependent interaction is the result. For example, the
other day I felt annoyed with Joyce because I couldn't find my slippers and
was convinced she had put them away. In my unconscious mind, I wanted and
expected Joyce ("Mommy") to take care of my inner child. If, in that
moment, I could have recognized that my need for love was far greater than
my need for my slippers, it’s possible I could’ve been vulnerable with
Joyce, and thus had a loving connection with her. When we touch this
conscious awareness of our need for another, we touch the joy of
interdependence – and we heal our codependence.
Another example of codependence is the mother who complains to her grown
children that they don't telephone her enough. (I’m not pointing fingers
here!) Her complaining is an unconscious cover-up for her need for their
love and attention. The result is often not what she wants: her children
feel guilty or angry, and end up calling her even less. If she can be more
emotionally honest and simply share her need for love and connection with
her family, her honesty will give her the best possible chance of receiving
what she needs.
Our codependence can often be traced to our inner child's need for love,
our fear of that need not being met, and our protective mechanism (my anger
over my slippers and the mother's complaining) to keep this vulnerable
child hidden from view – and therefore protected from possible hurt or
rejection. The healing comes when we find the courage to make peace with
the needs of our vulnerable inner child.
It is healthy to feel our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual
needs for others, because this represents a humble acceptance of where we
stand as human beings. It is unhealthy, however, to project those needs
onto someone else and expect or demand that they do something about them.
This projection is manipulative and is the root of codependent behavior. It
is looking outside of ourselves for the source of our happiness. We will
never find it out there. The healthy position is to feel both our human
need for love as well as the divine source of that love in ourselves and in
others.
Joyce and I certainly have our share of codependence. When we eat at a
restaurant and the waiter comes over to ask Joyce if she wants something to
drink, she will automatically turn towards me to see if I want something to
drink. And I will turn toward Joyce if the waiter asks me if I want
something. Yes, perhaps it can be seen as being polite, but there’s an
unconscious element to it as well, as if neither one of us can make a
decision for ourselves.
Then there’s the clothing we wear. One beautifully sunny day, we parked
at the beach to walk our dogs. I decided it was warm enough to leave my
sweatshirt in the car, and tried to convince Joyce that she didn’t need
to bring her sweatshirt either. She decided to bring it anyway. I actually
got slightly annoyed because I had just locked the car. Now I felt I had to
unlock the car to retrieve my own sweatshirt. Even though I didn’t want
it, Joyce was bringing hers and that meant, for me, that I had to bring
mine too!
Is that codependent or what? Before long, we started laughing at the
absurdity of this codependent interaction. We were able to laugh because we
became conscious of our own codependence. And because of this awareness, it
was no longer codependence. Through our laughing awareness, our
codependence became transformed into interdependence.
We need to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves about our codependence,
our unconscious ways of relating. Yet our eventual healing and fulfillment
lies in accepting our interdependence, the awareness that we are not alone
on this planet. We need each other very much. Our survival as a species
depends on our interdependence. We can only survive through love and
cooperation ... and acceptance of our need for one another as well as our
need to give to one another.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
February 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE. $225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299. Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839 thesourceabq.com
March 5-6
REDWOOD VALLEY COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Mendocino County (north of San Francisco).
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Feb 25) $450 (includes meals and camping). $500 after Feb 25. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Feb 25. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
March 12-13
SEATTLE, WA (SINGLES & COUPLES)
South Whidbey Island. Workshop info and local lodging, call Annette Bader 360-321-5213.
March 27-April 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship. This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication, forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition: $1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option, includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
April 13-17
PERSONAL MENTORSHIP ENDING RETREAT. Aptos, CA ... more info
April 30-May 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75 nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans, partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
May 13-15
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping, bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by May 6. $320 after May 6. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable after May 6.
May 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From the Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
June 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
June 24-26
Summer Couples Retreat
Would you like your relationship to reach a new level of love, healing, intimacy and commitment? Cost (includes 6 vegetarian meals): $590/couple camping or day use if paid in full by Jun 17. $640 after Jun 17. Limited indoor accommodations, so please call early to reserve space.
July 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal, celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and $675/youth.
July 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals, couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
October 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
October 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by Charley Thweatt.
Please click on SharedHeart.org for inspiring articles about
relationship and consciousness, as well as our schedule.
How Will You Be Remembered? A Tribute to Hugh Prather
Do you ever wonder, “How do people feel in my presence? How would I be remembered if I died today?” I have been pondering these two questions since our dear friend Hugh Prather died suddenly of a heart attack on November 15, 2010. Reflecting upon all our times with him, I realized that I always felt loved in his presence. Though he was a national icon, he remained humble and caring. I will always remember him as a friend who truly knew how to love. For Hugh, loving was far more important than his many writing and speaking accomplishments.
Hugh was the bestselling author of Notes to Myself, which started out as a personal journal. On a whim in 1970 he sent the journal to a small publisher, one without any financial means to do advertising. The book was published and has sold over five million copies and has been translated into ten languages. The New York Times called him the American Khalil Gibran, and his books have been called the “Chicken Soup for the 70’s Soul.”
While he lived in Santa Cruz with his family, we were able to visit him and his wife Gayle quite often. One would never know that he was a famous person. Rather than putting any attention on his own success, he focused all of his energy on helping us with our successes in life. No matter what topic we were talking about, I could look over at him and he would be smiling and loving both Barry and me. I felt consistently wonderful just being in his presence, and remember leaving those visits feeling his love and belief in us.
In 1989 we lost our home to the big California earthquake. Hugh and Gayle also suffered extensive damage to their home as well. When they learned that we were in worse shape than they were, they dedicated two weeks to helping us, along with our two small girls and infant son, move into another home. This was an extremely difficult time for us, and yet Hugh’s eyes, always filled with love and compassion, helped to sustain me. Even in my suffering it felt so good to be in his presence.
I am quite sure that Hugh hoped and planned to live many more years. He probably had at least ten more books on his creative list. In fact, he just finished his latest book on the last day of his life.
A sudden death could happen to any of us, at any age, at any phase of our life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered for the criticism you gave, the resentment you wouldn’t let go of, or the apology you refused to give? Do you want people to think of you as dishonest, drinking too much and causing suffering, being uncaring and insensitive, controlling and bullying others, or complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. No one wants to be remembered in these ways.
I am quite sure that everyone reading this would want to be remembered as someone who loved and cared. Therefore it is always good to ask ourselves these reflective questions. “How do people feel in my presence? How will I be remembered?” Perhaps it’s time to give that apology, let go of that particular resentment, give the acknowledgment and appreciation that is long overdue, and express your gratitude to another.
I’ll never forget Hugh Prather. I may forget his many accomplishments, but I will never forget the consistent love that he showed. In his presence I felt loved and honored as a human being. I know that he offered this same gift to all those who were blessed to know him, especially his devoted wife and two sons. In my mind, that is a life well lived.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Hugh was the bestselling author of Notes to Myself, which started out as a personal journal. On a whim in 1970 he sent the journal to a small publisher, one without any financial means to do advertising. The book was published and has sold over five million copies and has been translated into ten languages. The New York Times called him the American Khalil Gibran, and his books have been called the “Chicken Soup for the 70’s Soul.”
While he lived in Santa Cruz with his family, we were able to visit him and his wife Gayle quite often. One would never know that he was a famous person. Rather than putting any attention on his own success, he focused all of his energy on helping us with our successes in life. No matter what topic we were talking about, I could look over at him and he would be smiling and loving both Barry and me. I felt consistently wonderful just being in his presence, and remember leaving those visits feeling his love and belief in us.
In 1989 we lost our home to the big California earthquake. Hugh and Gayle also suffered extensive damage to their home as well. When they learned that we were in worse shape than they were, they dedicated two weeks to helping us, along with our two small girls and infant son, move into another home. This was an extremely difficult time for us, and yet Hugh’s eyes, always filled with love and compassion, helped to sustain me. Even in my suffering it felt so good to be in his presence.
I am quite sure that Hugh hoped and planned to live many more years. He probably had at least ten more books on his creative list. In fact, he just finished his latest book on the last day of his life.
A sudden death could happen to any of us, at any age, at any phase of our life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered for the criticism you gave, the resentment you wouldn’t let go of, or the apology you refused to give? Do you want people to think of you as dishonest, drinking too much and causing suffering, being uncaring and insensitive, controlling and bullying others, or complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. No one wants to be remembered in these ways.
I am quite sure that everyone reading this would want to be remembered as someone who loved and cared. Therefore it is always good to ask ourselves these reflective questions. “How do people feel in my presence? How will I be remembered?” Perhaps it’s time to give that apology, let go of that particular resentment, give the acknowledgment and appreciation that is long overdue, and express your gratitude to another.
I’ll never forget Hugh Prather. I may forget his many accomplishments, but I will never forget the consistent love that he showed. In his presence I felt loved and honored as a human being. I know that he offered this same gift to all those who were blessed to know him, especially his devoted wife and two sons. In my mind, that is a life well lived.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Greatest Gift
Imagine that you awaken to find a very large present waiting for you. It is wrapped in colorful paper and tied with a lovely bow. There are flowers on top and everything about this present is just beautiful. But you don’t open it. You go about your day, knowing that the gift is there but thinking that the right time to open it has simply not arrived. Days go by and the present remains unopened. You rationalize that you are too busy to open it, or that you probably won’t like it anyway. Soon the present gets put into the closet and is forgotten. A full year goes by and you open the closet to find something and there you see the present again. You rationalize again, “It probably wasn’t for me anyway. Why would I get such a special present? I am not really worthy to receive this.” The unopened gift is shoved deeper into the closet. And so it goes on and on. Perhaps it never gets opened.
When I was a junior and senior in college I attended the Columbia University School of Nursing in New York City. At the time the Columbia Medical Center was the largest in the country. My most memorable time in nursing school was the five month rotation through OB. In any given day I was witness to at least 6-8 births, an average of 100 births a month. The medical center treated mostly the poorest of the poor, some middle class as well as some wealthier private patients. Some of these babies were coming to mothers who did not want them. These mothers already had 8 or more children at home and couldn’t provide for the ones they already had. There were also babies born to mothers who were so addicted to drugs they hardly knew what was happening to them. Some of these mothers would scream out, “Just get this out of me. I never want to see it. I don’t want this baby.” Some of these mothers upon giving birth would change their minds and want to hold the baby, other mothers looked away and just wanted the baby taken away. Some mothers dearly wanted their babies, and many did not. What I found so remarkable was that no matter if a mother wanted her baby or didn’t, there was a beautiful presence of love that seemed to surround each baby as it was born. At age 20, I was not a new age type person. I had never heard of auras, energy fields or other metaphysical phenomena. I was young, rather simple and a serious student strictly adhering to what I could learn from the text books. But even in my inexperienced world, I could still feel this unseen love come and surround each baby that was born. It didn’t matter whether the baby was “perfect” in body or had deformities. Each baby, whether welcomed by its mom or not, perfect or not, experienced the very same welcoming unseen love the very second it was born. Tears would flow out of my eyes and I felt moved every time. Looking around the room I noticed the other nursing and medical students had tears as well, even a few of the seasoned doctors and nurses shed a few tears. It was just so moving to experience this miracle, this heavenly love surrounding the newborn baby.
This love is our birth right. It was given to each of us the moment of our birth. This is the greatest present that we can ever receive, the specially-wrapped present that we put off opening. We did not have to do anything to deserve this love, the greatest present of all. It was just given to us the very moment we entered this world. It was not about being good, or perfect or wanted. It was given to let us know how loved we are and how welcomed we are to this world.
My mother’s oldest sister, Dora, came to this country from Sweden. She had to leave school after 7th grade in order to work to help support the family of eight children whose mother died giving birth to the eighth baby. She was a housecleaner her entire life. She never married or had children and was a very simple person who spoke very little. Though she hardly ever spoke, there were a few things she repeated often. When I was a child I would see Aunt Dora at least once a week. She always asked me the same thing in the same words regardless of what time of year it was. “Joyce, are you being good? If you don’t be good you will only get coal in your stocking at Christmas.” This was something I grew up with. Be good, or else there are bad consequences. I expanded that phrase into all aspects of my life. If I am not good, the love will be taken away. At some time in my 20’s I learned that love is not conditional on our being good or perfect. We are loved because of the beautiful person we all are inside, not because of how we perform or do well. We are loved because we are all children of our great creator. There is nothing that has ever happened that can take away that love. The gift of love is permanent.
I invite us all to open the closet of our being and take out that greatest of all presents, the unconditional love that is the birthright given to us the very moment we entered this world. Opening this present can be the work of a life time, and the most valuable thing we can be doing, to truly get that we are loved and are loveable.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
When I was a junior and senior in college I attended the Columbia University School of Nursing in New York City. At the time the Columbia Medical Center was the largest in the country. My most memorable time in nursing school was the five month rotation through OB. In any given day I was witness to at least 6-8 births, an average of 100 births a month. The medical center treated mostly the poorest of the poor, some middle class as well as some wealthier private patients. Some of these babies were coming to mothers who did not want them. These mothers already had 8 or more children at home and couldn’t provide for the ones they already had. There were also babies born to mothers who were so addicted to drugs they hardly knew what was happening to them. Some of these mothers would scream out, “Just get this out of me. I never want to see it. I don’t want this baby.” Some of these mothers upon giving birth would change their minds and want to hold the baby, other mothers looked away and just wanted the baby taken away. Some mothers dearly wanted their babies, and many did not. What I found so remarkable was that no matter if a mother wanted her baby or didn’t, there was a beautiful presence of love that seemed to surround each baby as it was born. At age 20, I was not a new age type person. I had never heard of auras, energy fields or other metaphysical phenomena. I was young, rather simple and a serious student strictly adhering to what I could learn from the text books. But even in my inexperienced world, I could still feel this unseen love come and surround each baby that was born. It didn’t matter whether the baby was “perfect” in body or had deformities. Each baby, whether welcomed by its mom or not, perfect or not, experienced the very same welcoming unseen love the very second it was born. Tears would flow out of my eyes and I felt moved every time. Looking around the room I noticed the other nursing and medical students had tears as well, even a few of the seasoned doctors and nurses shed a few tears. It was just so moving to experience this miracle, this heavenly love surrounding the newborn baby.
This love is our birth right. It was given to each of us the moment of our birth. This is the greatest present that we can ever receive, the specially-wrapped present that we put off opening. We did not have to do anything to deserve this love, the greatest present of all. It was just given to us the very moment we entered this world. It was not about being good, or perfect or wanted. It was given to let us know how loved we are and how welcomed we are to this world.
My mother’s oldest sister, Dora, came to this country from Sweden. She had to leave school after 7th grade in order to work to help support the family of eight children whose mother died giving birth to the eighth baby. She was a housecleaner her entire life. She never married or had children and was a very simple person who spoke very little. Though she hardly ever spoke, there were a few things she repeated often. When I was a child I would see Aunt Dora at least once a week. She always asked me the same thing in the same words regardless of what time of year it was. “Joyce, are you being good? If you don’t be good you will only get coal in your stocking at Christmas.” This was something I grew up with. Be good, or else there are bad consequences. I expanded that phrase into all aspects of my life. If I am not good, the love will be taken away. At some time in my 20’s I learned that love is not conditional on our being good or perfect. We are loved because of the beautiful person we all are inside, not because of how we perform or do well. We are loved because we are all children of our great creator. There is nothing that has ever happened that can take away that love. The gift of love is permanent.
I invite us all to open the closet of our being and take out that greatest of all presents, the unconditional love that is the birthright given to us the very moment we entered this world. Opening this present can be the work of a life time, and the most valuable thing we can be doing, to truly get that we are loved and are loveable.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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