I love birthdays. I love to give cards and simple thoughtful presents and call people on their birthday. I also love it when people remember me on my birthday. When people send me cards or emails I save them for a long time, reading them over and over again. When people call and wish me a happy birthday I am apt to save the messages for many months. As nice as it is to receive love on my birthday, it gives me greater joy to give my love to people on their birthdays.
Thirty three years ago I was a new mother with a seven week old baby girl, totally unprepared for how busy I would be. Sleepless nights had left me dragging around our little home yearning for even a little bit of relaxation. It was the day before Barry’s birthday. Typically I would be able to shop for his present, make a very special dinner or have exciting plans in order. I had nothing! What could I give him? I didn’t have the strength to take our baby out shopping or make a nice dinner for him. We had been living on a simple diet of salads, brown rice and vegetables.
While I nursed my daughter Rami, I contemplated my dilemma. I loved doing arts and crafts and had plenty of supplies, but I knew Rami would not enjoy being put down long enough for me to even start something. What was I to do to honor the man I loved so much? After Rami finished nursing I walked her around the house just looking around hoping to get ideas. My eyes happened to fall on an old brown journal book my dad had given me, something that had been given to him long ago which he realized he would never use. The pages were blank and he thought I might like to write in it. I had stuck it in the bookshelf and forgot about it. I took it out. It was a little musty, but ideas began to form in my mind.
On Barry’s birthday, there was no special dinner and no exciting plans, but I did have a present all wrapped up. As Barry was unwrapping it he looked at me quizzically and said, “When did you have time to buy me a present?” He looked even more confused when he saw the old brown book. He opened it to the first page which read, “To my beloved Barry on your birthday. Your gift today is the gift of my words of love for you. Each and every year that I am able I shall write in this book on your birthday to tell you how much I love you. I feel so deeply honored to be your wife and closest friend. I am so grateful to be sharing this life with you and now sharing the gift of parenting together…” I then went on to tell him all the things I appreciated about him. Barry loved this present so much that he asked if he could also write in it on my birthdays.
And that’s how an unusual tradition has started. Each year on our birthdays we receive the gift of the old brown book. It now has 33 years of birthday entries and 33 years of appreciations and adoring messages. Barry is more of a poet than me. He writes, “To see the petals of a rose unfold is to hint at the glory of your opening heart. Yet unlike the fully blossomed rose whose petals then begin to fall away, the petals of your heart keep opening wider and wider.” My birthday messages are simpler, listing all the ways I appreciate him. The style really doesn’t matter. What matters is that the book has become a treasured item. It truly gets richer and more meaningful year by year.
Last June our family was ordered by the county sheriff to evacuate our home due to an approaching wildfire. We had just a half hour to sort through all of our belongings and decide what we wanted to bring with us. Surprisingly our pile of stuff was very little: photos and art work by and of our children, a few clothes, a laptop computer, and of course one very important item – a shabby old brown book.
Two years ago my mother passed from this world to join my father. It was then up to me to sort through all of their stuff. My mother loved books and, as I was going through them all, I came across a little book with a smiley face on it. As I opened it I was drawn to the first page and a note from my mother, “Dear Joyce, I am starting to write in this little book shortly after you were born. I am going to write all things I love about being your mother. Each page will be filled with my gratitude. I will try to always express this gratitude to you in words. However someday you will not be able to hear my voice and I want you to know how much I love you and love being your mother.” The book was filled with writings from my mother about her journey of parenting me. There were many physical things I inherited from my mother, but this little book with the smiley face upon it is by far the greatest.
Someday, after Barry and I have left this world, our three children will be sorting through our possessions. They will come to a little brown book that is not very attractive. Hopefully they will open it up and be able to read about two parents who deeply loved each other. I hope this book will be as much of a treasure to them as it has been to the two of us.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Lessons from my Near Death Experience
It was Saturday, June 20, 2009, and we had one more week till our daughter Rami’s wedding to her fiancé River. I had no idea that this day would shake my whole world. We worked to get our house and property ready for the anticipated 170 people. Our new refrigerator arrived and I emptied out all the food from the old one. I found a frozen piece of chocolate cake baked by our son months before and couldn’t resist tasting it. It was still delicious.
After the new refrigerator was filled and shelves adjusted, I made myself a cup of green tea, went into the office, and started working on the computer. I had only had a few sips of the tea, when I started feeling light-headed with a very strange “buzzing” in my head. At first I thought I was hypoglycemic, or maybe the green tea somehow had an unusually large amount of caffeine. But the sensation felt very different than anything I had ever experienced. It was not at all unpleasant, just unusual. And it was getting stronger by the minute. The “buzzing” was now spreading throughout my whole body.
I got down on my hands and knees, touching my forehead to the floor, hoping to bring more blood to my brain. Not helpful. It kept getting stronger. I thought, “Maybe I’m down on my hands and knees to pray for help, or to be closer to the earth.” I did indeed pray for help.
Sitting on my chair again, ever the medical doctor, I wondered if I were having a stroke. Not your typical stroke that involves pain or paralysis, but an atypical one that was only affecting my sensations and not my muscles. I even thought about Jill Bolte Taylor’s description of her own stroke in her book, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey.
There was only one thing in the whole world I wanted to do – and that was to find Joyce. I got up off the floor, not at all sure I could stand, let alone walk. I found I needed to will myself to put one foot in front of the other, but my balance seemed OK. I made it to the kitchen, found Joyce, and let her know I needed her help. It has often been difficult for me to ask Joyce for help, to lean on her strength and love, but in this moment it was a “no-brainer.”
She took one look into my eyes and immediately knew something was very wrong. Although my pupils seemed normal, my eye movements were sluggish and my skin was cold and clammy. She helped me lay down on the couch, sitting close to me, and together we tried to piece together what was going on. My thinking faculties seemed fine, even hyper alert. Caffeine overdose was out of the question. Stroke was very unlikely, given the progressive quality of the symptoms. Now my skin was becoming hypersensitive. The blanket Joyce had placed upon me felt like it was filled with lead. Even her hands upon me felt oppressively heavy, a clear warning sign. Normally, there’s nothing I like more than Joyce’s touch.
I kept returning in my mind to the chocolate cake. Poisoning seemed to be what was happening. But really … chocolate cake? In the freezer? Then I wondered if John-Nuri had added something “special” to the recipe … something that could be mind-altering. Our 20 year old son was at a party with his friends and Joyce called his cell phone and left an urgent message.
Even though it had been more than 35 years since our “experimenting” with psychedelics, I knew what I was experiencing was no “bad trip.” There was no mind altering, no euphoria, no hallucinations … just this intense physical sensation that was vibrating or buzzing without pain. And it kept getting stronger!
Joyce was on the phone, trying to reach a doctor friend. On the couch, I had the oddest sensation of starting to go to sleep without being even remotely sleepy. It felt like my body was shutting down internally and I, my real self, my conscious self, was somehow detaching from my body. I was starting to feel profoundly peaceful, more peaceful than I have ever felt. Letting go in that moment would have been blissfully easy, but another part of me understood that this could very well be my body’s way of dying. I felt that, as intense as the poison was, I had a choice of whether to stay or leave. I even thought about Rami and River’s wedding in exactly one week. I needed to be there. Rami needed me to be there to bless her union with River. And I had so much more to give and experience in my own life.
I called out to Joyce. She came right over and sat close to me. I asked her to keep me engaged, to help me stay awake … to anchor me to my body. We talked about going to the emergency room, but it never seemed quite right. I really wanted to stay at home, surrounded by love and quiet. Some moments I wondered if I was dying, so intense was the experience. Other moments I felt I had the conscious decision to live or die.
My body started to shake and Joyce found more blankets to put on me. I couldn’t tell if I was cold or hot. I just wasn’t that connected to my body.
Joyce asked me to stand up. She may as well have asked me to climb Mt. Everest. It wasn’t that I felt weak, or even sick. The difficulty was simply being in my body.
Somehow I made it to my feet. Then she took my arm and asked me to walk with her. With great effort, I placed one foot in front of the other. She guided me outside onto our deck, to a chair in the warm sun. Joyce knows how much I love the sun, but it didn’t feel good and, after just a few minutes, she helped me return to the couch.
John-Nuri arrived home and breathlessly entered the room. He assured us there was nothing unusual in the cake, and I knew he was speaking the truth. I looked up into his loving brown eyes and asked him if he felt I was dying. In that moment, he felt more like a compassionate father than a son. I felt a great need for his love, and complete trust in his intuition and healing ability. He looked deeply into my eyes before assuring me I was not dying.
I felt bathed in the love of my wife and my son. I received an inner assurance that I would live. I just needed to now ride out the rest of the process. I needed to let my body do its miraculous job of detoxifying and eliminating whatever I had ingested.
It was then that I finally remembered something else I had tasted during my busyness in the kitchen. It was my home grown Kombucha. Widely revered for its immune strengthening properties, it looks like a mushroom but is really a symbiotic relationship between bacteria and yeast that is grown in a solution of sugar and black tea. The “mushroom” had been growing for several months, and I remembered sampling the solution about an hour before my symptoms started. It tasted normal. Luckily I only poured myself about two ounces of the drink. Had I poured myself a full glass, you would probably not be reading this article right now.
My medical friend later told me, after much research and several calls to Poison Control, that my Kombucha culture somehow became contaminated. Some stray organism invaded the mixture, reproduced itself, and secreted a neurotoxin that poisoned me. There have been other cases of poisoning with home grown Kombucha, including one reported death.
Hours later, upon returning from a trip, our daughters, Mira and Rami, and our soon-to-be son, River, arrived and added their love to the mix. It was unbelievably sweet to be surrounded by so much good energy.
I feel so different as a result of this near death experience. I have never felt so grateful to be alive. Today marks 10 days after the poisoning. I received IV treatment to support and flush out my overburdened liver. Within 24 hours I was 90 percent clear of symptoms, and after 3 days back to normal except for an occasional episode of nausea and lightheadedness. The wedding was a blessed event with love filling every moment.
I notice I take more time to give and receive love with friends and family. Being so close to death really forces me to appreciate life, to slow down and notice all the beauty around me, to be a better human being.
I am so aware of the fragility of our bodies. Two ounces of a drink placed me on the brink of a precipice. A few seconds are all that are needed to destroy a human body in a car accident. How much have I taken life for granted. I realize that every minute of life is precious. Every day holds the opportunity for more growth and love.
After officiating at the wedding ceremony, Joyce and I became separated while we were greeting friends and family. Joyce noticed the time. It was exactly one week since she sat on the couch helping me to stay in my body. Overcome with gratitude that I was alive, she ran to find me, and invited me to be alone with her for a moment. With the noise of celebrating in the background, Joyce and I held tightly to each other and gave thanks for more time to be together on earth, and to keep giving our gifts of love to the world.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
After the new refrigerator was filled and shelves adjusted, I made myself a cup of green tea, went into the office, and started working on the computer. I had only had a few sips of the tea, when I started feeling light-headed with a very strange “buzzing” in my head. At first I thought I was hypoglycemic, or maybe the green tea somehow had an unusually large amount of caffeine. But the sensation felt very different than anything I had ever experienced. It was not at all unpleasant, just unusual. And it was getting stronger by the minute. The “buzzing” was now spreading throughout my whole body.
I got down on my hands and knees, touching my forehead to the floor, hoping to bring more blood to my brain. Not helpful. It kept getting stronger. I thought, “Maybe I’m down on my hands and knees to pray for help, or to be closer to the earth.” I did indeed pray for help.
Sitting on my chair again, ever the medical doctor, I wondered if I were having a stroke. Not your typical stroke that involves pain or paralysis, but an atypical one that was only affecting my sensations and not my muscles. I even thought about Jill Bolte Taylor’s description of her own stroke in her book, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey.
There was only one thing in the whole world I wanted to do – and that was to find Joyce. I got up off the floor, not at all sure I could stand, let alone walk. I found I needed to will myself to put one foot in front of the other, but my balance seemed OK. I made it to the kitchen, found Joyce, and let her know I needed her help. It has often been difficult for me to ask Joyce for help, to lean on her strength and love, but in this moment it was a “no-brainer.”
She took one look into my eyes and immediately knew something was very wrong. Although my pupils seemed normal, my eye movements were sluggish and my skin was cold and clammy. She helped me lay down on the couch, sitting close to me, and together we tried to piece together what was going on. My thinking faculties seemed fine, even hyper alert. Caffeine overdose was out of the question. Stroke was very unlikely, given the progressive quality of the symptoms. Now my skin was becoming hypersensitive. The blanket Joyce had placed upon me felt like it was filled with lead. Even her hands upon me felt oppressively heavy, a clear warning sign. Normally, there’s nothing I like more than Joyce’s touch.
I kept returning in my mind to the chocolate cake. Poisoning seemed to be what was happening. But really … chocolate cake? In the freezer? Then I wondered if John-Nuri had added something “special” to the recipe … something that could be mind-altering. Our 20 year old son was at a party with his friends and Joyce called his cell phone and left an urgent message.
Even though it had been more than 35 years since our “experimenting” with psychedelics, I knew what I was experiencing was no “bad trip.” There was no mind altering, no euphoria, no hallucinations … just this intense physical sensation that was vibrating or buzzing without pain. And it kept getting stronger!
Joyce was on the phone, trying to reach a doctor friend. On the couch, I had the oddest sensation of starting to go to sleep without being even remotely sleepy. It felt like my body was shutting down internally and I, my real self, my conscious self, was somehow detaching from my body. I was starting to feel profoundly peaceful, more peaceful than I have ever felt. Letting go in that moment would have been blissfully easy, but another part of me understood that this could very well be my body’s way of dying. I felt that, as intense as the poison was, I had a choice of whether to stay or leave. I even thought about Rami and River’s wedding in exactly one week. I needed to be there. Rami needed me to be there to bless her union with River. And I had so much more to give and experience in my own life.
I called out to Joyce. She came right over and sat close to me. I asked her to keep me engaged, to help me stay awake … to anchor me to my body. We talked about going to the emergency room, but it never seemed quite right. I really wanted to stay at home, surrounded by love and quiet. Some moments I wondered if I was dying, so intense was the experience. Other moments I felt I had the conscious decision to live or die.
My body started to shake and Joyce found more blankets to put on me. I couldn’t tell if I was cold or hot. I just wasn’t that connected to my body.
Joyce asked me to stand up. She may as well have asked me to climb Mt. Everest. It wasn’t that I felt weak, or even sick. The difficulty was simply being in my body.
Somehow I made it to my feet. Then she took my arm and asked me to walk with her. With great effort, I placed one foot in front of the other. She guided me outside onto our deck, to a chair in the warm sun. Joyce knows how much I love the sun, but it didn’t feel good and, after just a few minutes, she helped me return to the couch.
John-Nuri arrived home and breathlessly entered the room. He assured us there was nothing unusual in the cake, and I knew he was speaking the truth. I looked up into his loving brown eyes and asked him if he felt I was dying. In that moment, he felt more like a compassionate father than a son. I felt a great need for his love, and complete trust in his intuition and healing ability. He looked deeply into my eyes before assuring me I was not dying.
I felt bathed in the love of my wife and my son. I received an inner assurance that I would live. I just needed to now ride out the rest of the process. I needed to let my body do its miraculous job of detoxifying and eliminating whatever I had ingested.
It was then that I finally remembered something else I had tasted during my busyness in the kitchen. It was my home grown Kombucha. Widely revered for its immune strengthening properties, it looks like a mushroom but is really a symbiotic relationship between bacteria and yeast that is grown in a solution of sugar and black tea. The “mushroom” had been growing for several months, and I remembered sampling the solution about an hour before my symptoms started. It tasted normal. Luckily I only poured myself about two ounces of the drink. Had I poured myself a full glass, you would probably not be reading this article right now.
My medical friend later told me, after much research and several calls to Poison Control, that my Kombucha culture somehow became contaminated. Some stray organism invaded the mixture, reproduced itself, and secreted a neurotoxin that poisoned me. There have been other cases of poisoning with home grown Kombucha, including one reported death.
Hours later, upon returning from a trip, our daughters, Mira and Rami, and our soon-to-be son, River, arrived and added their love to the mix. It was unbelievably sweet to be surrounded by so much good energy.
I feel so different as a result of this near death experience. I have never felt so grateful to be alive. Today marks 10 days after the poisoning. I received IV treatment to support and flush out my overburdened liver. Within 24 hours I was 90 percent clear of symptoms, and after 3 days back to normal except for an occasional episode of nausea and lightheadedness. The wedding was a blessed event with love filling every moment.
I notice I take more time to give and receive love with friends and family. Being so close to death really forces me to appreciate life, to slow down and notice all the beauty around me, to be a better human being.
I am so aware of the fragility of our bodies. Two ounces of a drink placed me on the brink of a precipice. A few seconds are all that are needed to destroy a human body in a car accident. How much have I taken life for granted. I realize that every minute of life is precious. Every day holds the opportunity for more growth and love.
After officiating at the wedding ceremony, Joyce and I became separated while we were greeting friends and family. Joyce noticed the time. It was exactly one week since she sat on the couch helping me to stay in my body. Overcome with gratitude that I was alive, she ran to find me, and invited me to be alone with her for a moment. With the noise of celebrating in the background, Joyce and I held tightly to each other and gave thanks for more time to be together on earth, and to keep giving our gifts of love to the world.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Can Angels Make Mistakes? (Help in Difficult Times)
Do you ever feel that you are totally alone and unsupported in difficult times in your life? The feeling of isolation can be very painful. I have a story to remind us that we are never really alone and there is a beautiful support that we may not even be aware of.
Our daughter Rami got married to River on June 27 in our garden, with a background resplendent with colorful flowers. This is a story about them, but mostly it is about spiritual help that is supporting us in difficult times, even when we may not know it is there.
Rami met River seven years ago. Their relationship seemed to lead up to the point of marriage, when suddenly after four years the relationship ended. Rami and River did not see each other after they separated. I do not know what River was experiencing because I didn’t see him, but I do know Rami was going through a very difficult time. My mother Louise, who was 89 at the time and living right next door to us, positively adored River and always felt they should get married. We tried to tell her they were no longer together, but she had a difficult time accepting this.
During this time of Rami and River’s separation my mother started to go through her dying process. Our family took care of her at home for the year leading up to her death and this was a totally transforming experience for all five of us. In the beginning of this year my mom would mention to one of us that she still thought River would make the best husband for Rami. We would patiently tell her that the relationship was over. Finally she seemed to get it and did not talk about it again. In the last two weeks of my mother’s life she was having beautiful experiences and visions of the place to which she was going. She was both peaceful and excited about her dying journey.
One week before she died she was particularly clear and was able to see both me and the angels that were there to help her in her transition. I was asking her different questions about what she was seeing and she was describing the indescribable. At one point I couldn’t resist asking, “Mom could you please ask your angels if they know who Rami is going to marry?” At the time I didn’t really think I would get an answer, but figured it was worth the try.
She looked at me for a moment and then smiled, “I want to know the answer to that question as well. I’ll have to close my eyes for this one. I’ll be right back.” She closed her eyes and then asked in a quiet voice, “Dear angels, who is my granddaughter Rami going to marry? I’d like to know before I die.”
There was a long period of silence and I figured my mom had fallen asleep. She finally opened her eyes and said, “I guess my angels don’t know everything. They said Rami would marry River, and they are already working on it. ”
I took my mom’s hand. “Oh mom, you know that they are no longer a couple. Rami is trying to move on from that relationship.”
She again closed her eyes and was silent for a long time. I passed the time looking at her vast collection of photo albums and just watched her sleeping. Startling me, she again opened her eyes and said in a commanding voice, “Joyce, you are to invite River to my memorial service! I want him to be there.”
My mother died one week later in a beautiful and peaceful way. Keeping her wish, after checking with Rami, I invited River to her memorial service. My mom and her angels apparently did their magic. River and Rami connected again at her memorial service which was one year after their separation. They have not been apart since. I believe the happiest person present at their wedding was my mom smiling from her new home, perhaps saying, “I told you so.”
Is this just a nice story about Rami and River, my mom and her angels? I am hoping that you can see it as a story about you as well. Can you imagine in some of your darkest hours of life when you feel totally alone and unsupported, that there is unseen help already working towards your higher good and growth. There are times when life can be very confusing and doesn’t seem to be going your way at all. But perhaps during those darker times a beautiful growth is coming into your life that ushers in something new and wonderful. Even though we may not see or hear this help, there is a loving presence working on something beautiful for us. Now I know for sure, angels are never wrong.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Our daughter Rami got married to River on June 27 in our garden, with a background resplendent with colorful flowers. This is a story about them, but mostly it is about spiritual help that is supporting us in difficult times, even when we may not know it is there.
Rami met River seven years ago. Their relationship seemed to lead up to the point of marriage, when suddenly after four years the relationship ended. Rami and River did not see each other after they separated. I do not know what River was experiencing because I didn’t see him, but I do know Rami was going through a very difficult time. My mother Louise, who was 89 at the time and living right next door to us, positively adored River and always felt they should get married. We tried to tell her they were no longer together, but she had a difficult time accepting this.
During this time of Rami and River’s separation my mother started to go through her dying process. Our family took care of her at home for the year leading up to her death and this was a totally transforming experience for all five of us. In the beginning of this year my mom would mention to one of us that she still thought River would make the best husband for Rami. We would patiently tell her that the relationship was over. Finally she seemed to get it and did not talk about it again. In the last two weeks of my mother’s life she was having beautiful experiences and visions of the place to which she was going. She was both peaceful and excited about her dying journey.
One week before she died she was particularly clear and was able to see both me and the angels that were there to help her in her transition. I was asking her different questions about what she was seeing and she was describing the indescribable. At one point I couldn’t resist asking, “Mom could you please ask your angels if they know who Rami is going to marry?” At the time I didn’t really think I would get an answer, but figured it was worth the try.
She looked at me for a moment and then smiled, “I want to know the answer to that question as well. I’ll have to close my eyes for this one. I’ll be right back.” She closed her eyes and then asked in a quiet voice, “Dear angels, who is my granddaughter Rami going to marry? I’d like to know before I die.”
There was a long period of silence and I figured my mom had fallen asleep. She finally opened her eyes and said, “I guess my angels don’t know everything. They said Rami would marry River, and they are already working on it. ”
I took my mom’s hand. “Oh mom, you know that they are no longer a couple. Rami is trying to move on from that relationship.”
She again closed her eyes and was silent for a long time. I passed the time looking at her vast collection of photo albums and just watched her sleeping. Startling me, she again opened her eyes and said in a commanding voice, “Joyce, you are to invite River to my memorial service! I want him to be there.”
My mother died one week later in a beautiful and peaceful way. Keeping her wish, after checking with Rami, I invited River to her memorial service. My mom and her angels apparently did their magic. River and Rami connected again at her memorial service which was one year after their separation. They have not been apart since. I believe the happiest person present at their wedding was my mom smiling from her new home, perhaps saying, “I told you so.”
Is this just a nice story about Rami and River, my mom and her angels? I am hoping that you can see it as a story about you as well. Can you imagine in some of your darkest hours of life when you feel totally alone and unsupported, that there is unseen help already working towards your higher good and growth. There are times when life can be very confusing and doesn’t seem to be going your way at all. But perhaps during those darker times a beautiful growth is coming into your life that ushers in something new and wonderful. Even though we may not see or hear this help, there is a loving presence working on something beautiful for us. Now I know for sure, angels are never wrong.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Go With the Flow, But Keep Paddling
Joyce and I love rivers. We love sitting by them, swimming in them, camping near them, listening to their lullaby while we sleep. But I a little more than Joyce especially love floating down them.
So that’s how I find myself now sitting on a sandy beach on the lower John Day River in eastern Oregon, having traveled down the river some sixty miles in the past four days. It is June 13 and I have set up camp early to wait out a thunderstorm in my tent … a perfect time to write. Joyce was gracious enough to send me off for a week, knowing how much this means to me. It’s not that she hasn’t put in her time. Two weeks ago we both floated fifty-five miles down the Eel River in northern California. That was enough for her in one spring.
What better place to reflect upon the river’s metaphors for life and relationships. So here’s what I’ve learned so far from “Mother River:”
1. Go with the flow! Most times the main current will bring you through tricky areas without any struggle on your part. But how often do we fight against the flow, not trusting the divine current to keep us safe. One of my favorite Yiddish expressions: “Mann tracht und Gott lacht.” (Man plans and God laughs.) Trust the river of life.
2. Some rapids are scary. Some are fun. You hear the distant roar. You can see white waves and sometimes mist in the distance. But, unless you have a guidebook describing the rapid in detail, with all the necessary moves, you may need to stop and scout. And even the guidebooks may not be accurate, since rapids have a way of changing after a winter flood. This trip, I’m in an open canoe which can swamp in even class II whitewater (mild to moderate rapids), so I often “line” the rapids, walking the canoe in the shallow water near the river bank.
Similarly, the guidebooks for the rapids of life (the challenges we simply can’t avoid) can only help somewhat. It’s going through real-life situations that teaches us the most. For example, anger used to be one of my scariest rapids. I’d try to walk around even class II anger, or maybe it would be more accurate to say “walk away.” I’ve been learning how to be more present with my anger, and then taking responsibility for my own part. Sometimes expressing my anger is like running the rapid. Sometimes taking responsibility for my part of an argument is like having the wisdom to walk around a rapid. I am learning to stop and scout the rapids of life, deciding which ones are runnable in my particular craft (state of mind), and which ones I need to walk around.
1. Enjoy the flatwater too. I’m not an “adrenaline junkie.” I enjoy the calm pools between the rapids as much as the rapids themselves. Quietly floating allows time to take in the surroundings or to reflect. It was floating through a quiet pool this morning that allowed me to spot the herd of bighorn sheep on the hillside.
The “flatwater” of life need not be monotonous. These can be the times when you stop long enough to really be with yourself, the times of quiet reflection, the times to appreciate the beauty within and around you.
1. Learn from obstacles. Rocks, trees, and branches give a river its character. Even small rocks form gravel or cobble bars over which the canoe seems to fly when the water is clear. Large rocks and boulders create the rapids. Guiding your boat through a rapid requires continuously “reading” the river. Dancing moving waves are usually safe for passage. Fixed waves indicate a boulder just beneath the surface, sometimes followed by a hole that can cause problems if big enough. A wave train often follows a rapid through deeper water, creating a fun and bouncy ride in a raft. In my open canoe, a large wave train can swamp me so I steer to the side. It’s like dancing down the rapid. You can have lots of fun, but you have to pay careful attention at the same time.
The experienced boater learns to always look well ahead to allow time to set up for a maneuver. When I was first learning I made the common mistake of nearsighted rapid running, waiting too late and then furiously trying to correct my course. Besides wearing myself out with the over expenditure of energy, I was sometimes unsuccessful in avoiding obstacles (i.e. rocks or wood). A little move well in advance often does the trick.
Ah, the rocks of life! Yes, obstacles (and the way we handle them) are the very things that give our lives its character. Can we learn to “read” our lives too? Can we navigate life’s boulder slaloms in a mature farsighted way? Some we can’t. Some obstacles are well hidden until we are upon them, like a car accident or an illness. But some we can “read.”
Here’s an example. Joyce (as with most people) dislikes being interrupted when she’s speaking, especially about deeper personal things. I, on the other hand, having grown up in a family where everyone constantly interrupted each other, am sometimes not so sensitive about Joyce’s need. Joyce sometimes speaks slowly, and a pause between sentences seems to me to be an ending. If I assume this and butt in, especially when we’re teaching together, she can become flustered and lose her train of thought. This can be painful to her, and I will hear about it sooner or later.
This scenario is like reading the rapid too late and results in a large expenditure of energy (the hurt feelings and the need for apology). The little move well in advance, “reading” the obstacle well ahead, is patient love. I show love for Joyce when she is speaking by holding a sacred container of silence, enjoying her wisdom rather than needing to add my own two cents. She feels me loving her in this way, and often stops to ask if I have something to add. I have just successfully navigated a rapid through a careful move done well in advance with love.
1. The river never stops. It may slow so much that you don’t move unless you paddle. Dams only temporarily stop the river until the reservoir fills and overflows. Even when entering the sea, the water molecules change form but keep moving.
The energy of life, too, is unstoppable. Just because it appears nothing is happening, and your life seems stagnant, it is never so. Love and divine intelligence are constantly flowing through every part of you, just like blood bathes every cell of your body. It’s really a matter of paying close enough attention to this sometimes subtle flow.
And don’t forget to paddle to increase your momentum. In life this could involve taking action in self care, like spending quality time with yourself. Or it could involve doing something for another, or connecting with a loved one or even a stranger. When we help others, when we take action in service, it is like paddling through the still pool. Before long we can feel love’s flow filling our heart.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule , and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
So that’s how I find myself now sitting on a sandy beach on the lower John Day River in eastern Oregon, having traveled down the river some sixty miles in the past four days. It is June 13 and I have set up camp early to wait out a thunderstorm in my tent … a perfect time to write. Joyce was gracious enough to send me off for a week, knowing how much this means to me. It’s not that she hasn’t put in her time. Two weeks ago we both floated fifty-five miles down the Eel River in northern California. That was enough for her in one spring.
What better place to reflect upon the river’s metaphors for life and relationships. So here’s what I’ve learned so far from “Mother River:”
1. Go with the flow! Most times the main current will bring you through tricky areas without any struggle on your part. But how often do we fight against the flow, not trusting the divine current to keep us safe. One of my favorite Yiddish expressions: “Mann tracht und Gott lacht.” (Man plans and God laughs.) Trust the river of life.
2. Some rapids are scary. Some are fun. You hear the distant roar. You can see white waves and sometimes mist in the distance. But, unless you have a guidebook describing the rapid in detail, with all the necessary moves, you may need to stop and scout. And even the guidebooks may not be accurate, since rapids have a way of changing after a winter flood. This trip, I’m in an open canoe which can swamp in even class II whitewater (mild to moderate rapids), so I often “line” the rapids, walking the canoe in the shallow water near the river bank.
Similarly, the guidebooks for the rapids of life (the challenges we simply can’t avoid) can only help somewhat. It’s going through real-life situations that teaches us the most. For example, anger used to be one of my scariest rapids. I’d try to walk around even class II anger, or maybe it would be more accurate to say “walk away.” I’ve been learning how to be more present with my anger, and then taking responsibility for my own part. Sometimes expressing my anger is like running the rapid. Sometimes taking responsibility for my part of an argument is like having the wisdom to walk around a rapid. I am learning to stop and scout the rapids of life, deciding which ones are runnable in my particular craft (state of mind), and which ones I need to walk around.
1. Enjoy the flatwater too. I’m not an “adrenaline junkie.” I enjoy the calm pools between the rapids as much as the rapids themselves. Quietly floating allows time to take in the surroundings or to reflect. It was floating through a quiet pool this morning that allowed me to spot the herd of bighorn sheep on the hillside.
The “flatwater” of life need not be monotonous. These can be the times when you stop long enough to really be with yourself, the times of quiet reflection, the times to appreciate the beauty within and around you.
1. Learn from obstacles. Rocks, trees, and branches give a river its character. Even small rocks form gravel or cobble bars over which the canoe seems to fly when the water is clear. Large rocks and boulders create the rapids. Guiding your boat through a rapid requires continuously “reading” the river. Dancing moving waves are usually safe for passage. Fixed waves indicate a boulder just beneath the surface, sometimes followed by a hole that can cause problems if big enough. A wave train often follows a rapid through deeper water, creating a fun and bouncy ride in a raft. In my open canoe, a large wave train can swamp me so I steer to the side. It’s like dancing down the rapid. You can have lots of fun, but you have to pay careful attention at the same time.
The experienced boater learns to always look well ahead to allow time to set up for a maneuver. When I was first learning I made the common mistake of nearsighted rapid running, waiting too late and then furiously trying to correct my course. Besides wearing myself out with the over expenditure of energy, I was sometimes unsuccessful in avoiding obstacles (i.e. rocks or wood). A little move well in advance often does the trick.
Ah, the rocks of life! Yes, obstacles (and the way we handle them) are the very things that give our lives its character. Can we learn to “read” our lives too? Can we navigate life’s boulder slaloms in a mature farsighted way? Some we can’t. Some obstacles are well hidden until we are upon them, like a car accident or an illness. But some we can “read.”
Here’s an example. Joyce (as with most people) dislikes being interrupted when she’s speaking, especially about deeper personal things. I, on the other hand, having grown up in a family where everyone constantly interrupted each other, am sometimes not so sensitive about Joyce’s need. Joyce sometimes speaks slowly, and a pause between sentences seems to me to be an ending. If I assume this and butt in, especially when we’re teaching together, she can become flustered and lose her train of thought. This can be painful to her, and I will hear about it sooner or later.
This scenario is like reading the rapid too late and results in a large expenditure of energy (the hurt feelings and the need for apology). The little move well in advance, “reading” the obstacle well ahead, is patient love. I show love for Joyce when she is speaking by holding a sacred container of silence, enjoying her wisdom rather than needing to add my own two cents. She feels me loving her in this way, and often stops to ask if I have something to add. I have just successfully navigated a rapid through a careful move done well in advance with love.
1. The river never stops. It may slow so much that you don’t move unless you paddle. Dams only temporarily stop the river until the reservoir fills and overflows. Even when entering the sea, the water molecules change form but keep moving.
The energy of life, too, is unstoppable. Just because it appears nothing is happening, and your life seems stagnant, it is never so. Love and divine intelligence are constantly flowing through every part of you, just like blood bathes every cell of your body. It’s really a matter of paying close enough attention to this sometimes subtle flow.
And don’t forget to paddle to increase your momentum. In life this could involve taking action in self care, like spending quality time with yourself. Or it could involve doing something for another, or connecting with a loved one or even a stranger. When we help others, when we take action in service, it is like paddling through the still pool. Before long we can feel love’s flow filling our heart.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule , and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Preciousness of Life: Lessons from my Husband’s Near Death Experience
Three and a half months ago my beloved husband of 40 years came very close to death. Barry’s article about his experience is on our website. If you’re reading this article online, you can go to his original article by clicking here. Yes, we are very grateful that he survived and is doing well. Also I am very grateful for the inner changes that have occurred in me as a result of Barry’s near-death.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
As is my habit on a Saturday morning, I returned home from shopping at our local farmer’s market. I had more produce than usual, for the next week our daughter was to be married in our home and we were expecting a lot of family members to arrive. I was also not feeling well. I felt weak, feverish, overwhelmed and discouraged at being sick during this important time in our family. How was I ever going to find the strength to do all that was required of me to make a big dinner in a few days for Barry’s family coming from out of town, prepare the house and gardens for the wedding and many other details, not to mention wanting to be a gracious, relaxed, mother of the bride? Barry put the food away in the refrigerator and then held me on the couch. As I lay on Barry’s lap he comforted me and it felt good to be nurtured in that way. Little did I know that while putting away the food in the refrigerator he had also sampled a small amount of Kombucha culture (a bacteria and yeast mixture) that he was growing himself.
Barry finally returned to his office to continue working and I went outside to water the 20 flower center pieces that I had planted for the wedding. I returned from the watering to find Barry on the couch weakly calling out to me, “Joyce, something’s very wrong with me.” As a doctor and a nurse, we did a quick inventory of his symptoms going from head to toe. We ruled out every possible thing we could think of. He had forgotten that he had sampled the Kombucha culture, and didn’t remember this critical detail for several hours. If he would have remembered, I would have rushed him to the hospital immediately for we would surely have suspected contamination with a microbial toxin. We were later told by our doctor friend that contamination of Kombucha cultures is common and he could have easily died by sampling a larger amount.
Forty two years ago I had a near death experience with septicemia (widespread infection) in which I had left my body and the doctors had given up hope for my survival. My mother had placed my life in the hands of God, and I believe that act and her faith had saved my life. As Barry said out loud, “Joyce I feel myself drifting away,” I knew that I must say the same prayer that my mother spoke so long ago for me. I held Barry and placed his life in divine love. I also asked that I be guided to care for him. I felt strongly guided to just keep him at home in a peaceful healing environment. I talked to him in a soothing way and provided a very healing space for him. My own sickness seemed to evaporate from my consciousness as I focused so strongly on Barry. Several hours later, when I sensed he had turned a corner, I teased him, “Barry it would be really poor timing to die one week before your daughter’s wedding.” He laughed and then we both knew he would be OK.
This experience has changed my life in such a profound and beautiful way. Barry is extremely healthy and strong. He can usually keep up with our son who is 20 and in excellent shape. I guess I took for granted that Barry would just keep on going in such a strong way for many years. This experience showed me that we are all vulnerable in our bodies. None of us know when it will be our time to leave our body. I have realized that there are so many ways that we can be taken from this life in a matter of a few seconds. Rather than that understanding making me sad or despondent, it has brought a lot of love and depth into my life. I no longer take for granted the joy of a simple kiss, or the pleasure of holding Barry’s hand. I love to run my fingers along his arm and feel how grateful I am that I can still touch him. In the mornings I usually wake up before he does, and I love to just lie there and watch him. Sometimes little things he does irritate me and I used to make a big fuss over them. Now I find myself more willing to forgive quickly reminding myself of what might have happened to him. I still know the importance of standing up for my feelings with Barry, but I’m trying to do so in a more gentle way.
I am also willing to do some things that I never wanted to do or were fearful of. For years Barry has wanted me to go on a backpacking trip along the Lost Coast in northern California and I was always fearful that I couldn’t make it. This year I said “YES!” I can’t say it was easy carrying the heavy backpack many miles over rocks and soft sand but I truly had a wonderful time camping and enjoying all of the beauty of the streams, ocean and plentiful wildlife. I look forward to going again.
I am living with the consciousness that these are “bonus” years with Barry. He came very close to slipping away from his body and so I celebrate his presence here. I am hoping that I have many more bonus years with him, but still I live with the realization that I will never know and that now is the time to enjoy him and our time together.
I would like to challenge all of you who are reading this. Right now imagine the adult who is the closest to you. What if you knew they only had a few weeks or months to live? How would you treat them differently? For one month start living with the consciousness that your time with them could be limited, so enjoy every minute that you do have. You may find that this one month will change your relationship for the better. Simple moments can be precious and memorable. Rather than this bringing a morbid sense to your life, it can bring a deepened sense of gratitude and ability to live in the moment. I am still hoping that Barry will live many more years, and yet I also hope that I will never forget that he almost slipped away from his body and to make each day with him special.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
How Will You Be Remembered? A Tribute to Hugh Prather
Do you ever wonder, “How do people feel in my presence? How would I be remembered if I died today?” I have been pondering these two questions
since our dear friend Hugh Prather died suddenly of a heart attack on
November 15, 2010. Reflecting upon all our times with him, I realized that
I always felt loved in his presence. Though he was a national icon, he
remained humble and caring. I will always remember him as a friend who
truly knew how to love. For Hugh, loving was far more important than his
many writing and speaking accomplishments.
Hugh was the bestselling author of Notes to Myself, which started out as a
personal journal. On a whim in 1970 he sent the journal to a small
publisher, one without any financial means to do advertising. The book was
published and has sold over five million copies and has been translated
into ten languages. The New York Times called him the American Khalil
Gibran, and his books have been called the “Chicken Soup for the 70’s
Soul.”
While he lived in Santa Cruz with his family, we were able to visit him and
his wife Gayle quite often. One would never know that he was a famous
person. Rather than putting any attention on his own success, he focused
all of his energy on helping us with our successes in life. No matter what
topic we were talking about, I could look over at him and he would be
smiling and loving both Barry and me. I felt consistently wonderful just
being in his presence, and remember leaving those visits feeling his love
and belief in us.
In 1989 we lost our home to the big California earthquake. Hugh and Gayle
also suffered extensive damage to their home as well. When they learned
that we were in worse shape than they were, they dedicated two weeks to
helping us, along with our two small girls and infant son, move into
another home. This was an extremely difficult time for us, and yet Hugh’s
eyes, always filled with love and compassion, helped to sustain me. Even in
my suffering it felt so good to be in his presence.
I am quite sure that Hugh hoped and planned to live many more years. He
probably had at least ten more books on his creative list. In fact, he just
finished his latest book on the last day of his life.
A sudden death could happen to any of us, at any age, at any phase of our
life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered for
the criticism you gave, the resentment you wouldn’t let go of, or the
apology you refused to give? Do you want people to think of you as
dishonest, drinking too much and causing suffering, being uncaring and
insensitive, controlling and bullying others, or complaining and feeling
sorry for yourself. No one wants to be remembered in these ways.
I am quite sure that everyone reading this would want to be remembered as
someone who loved and cared. Therefore it is always good to ask ourselves
these reflective questions. “How do people feel in my presence? How will
I be remembered?” Perhaps it’s time to give that apology, let go of
that particular resentment, give the acknowledgment and appreciation that
is long overdue, and express your gratitude to another.
I’ll never forget Hugh Prather. I may forget his many accomplishments,
but I will never forget the consistent love that he showed. In his presence
I felt loved and honored as a human being. I know that he offered this same
gift to all those who were blessed to know him, especially his devoted wife
and two sons. In my mind, that is a life well lived.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many
topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
FEB 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE.
$225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after
Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total
non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299.
Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839
thesourceabq.com
MAR 27-APR 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship.
This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in
your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having
a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each
couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication,
forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in
love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring
music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary
heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of
dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the
nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the
Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition:
$1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option,
includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
APR 15-17
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express
your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of
our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each
other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner
to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping,
bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by Apr 8. $320
after Apr 8. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable
after Apr 8.
APR 30-MAY 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75
nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans,
partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
MAY 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From The Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day
Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music
by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
JUN 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills
to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the
most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades
or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
JUL 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st
annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal,
celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having
fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and
scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan
ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and
$675/youth.
JUL 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals,
couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference
Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers
which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and
children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive
with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups
are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a
series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight
of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon
lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira
at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work
exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
OCT 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
OCT 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by
Charley Thweatt. More info…
since our dear friend Hugh Prather died suddenly of a heart attack on
November 15, 2010. Reflecting upon all our times with him, I realized that
I always felt loved in his presence. Though he was a national icon, he
remained humble and caring. I will always remember him as a friend who
truly knew how to love. For Hugh, loving was far more important than his
many writing and speaking accomplishments.
Hugh was the bestselling author of Notes to Myself, which started out as a
personal journal. On a whim in 1970 he sent the journal to a small
publisher, one without any financial means to do advertising. The book was
published and has sold over five million copies and has been translated
into ten languages. The New York Times called him the American Khalil
Gibran, and his books have been called the “Chicken Soup for the 70’s
Soul.”
While he lived in Santa Cruz with his family, we were able to visit him and
his wife Gayle quite often. One would never know that he was a famous
person. Rather than putting any attention on his own success, he focused
all of his energy on helping us with our successes in life. No matter what
topic we were talking about, I could look over at him and he would be
smiling and loving both Barry and me. I felt consistently wonderful just
being in his presence, and remember leaving those visits feeling his love
and belief in us.
In 1989 we lost our home to the big California earthquake. Hugh and Gayle
also suffered extensive damage to their home as well. When they learned
that we were in worse shape than they were, they dedicated two weeks to
helping us, along with our two small girls and infant son, move into
another home. This was an extremely difficult time for us, and yet Hugh’s
eyes, always filled with love and compassion, helped to sustain me. Even in
my suffering it felt so good to be in his presence.
I am quite sure that Hugh hoped and planned to live many more years. He
probably had at least ten more books on his creative list. In fact, he just
finished his latest book on the last day of his life.
A sudden death could happen to any of us, at any age, at any phase of our
life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered for
the criticism you gave, the resentment you wouldn’t let go of, or the
apology you refused to give? Do you want people to think of you as
dishonest, drinking too much and causing suffering, being uncaring and
insensitive, controlling and bullying others, or complaining and feeling
sorry for yourself. No one wants to be remembered in these ways.
I am quite sure that everyone reading this would want to be remembered as
someone who loved and cared. Therefore it is always good to ask ourselves
these reflective questions. “How do people feel in my presence? How will
I be remembered?” Perhaps it’s time to give that apology, let go of
that particular resentment, give the acknowledgment and appreciation that
is long overdue, and express your gratitude to another.
I’ll never forget Hugh Prather. I may forget his many accomplishments,
but I will never forget the consistent love that he showed. In his presence
I felt loved and honored as a human being. I know that he offered this same
gift to all those who were blessed to know him, especially his devoted wife
and two sons. In my mind, that is a life well lived.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since
1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among
the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The
Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared
Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from
Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in
person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops.
Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many
topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please join Joyce and me in holding a vision of a world where women, men
and children of all nations, races and religions can see and feel the
divine in themselves and one another. Here is our current 2011 workshop
schedule. Joyce and I would love to see you at one of these events. Please
remember how important this spiritual-emotional growth work is. Together
let’s take another step on this journey into the heart of love and deeper
awareness, where real world healing begins. Peace be with you all.
FEB 26-27
ALBUQUERQUE, NM
Living from the Heart workshop at the Source Center, 1111 Carlisle Blvd SE.
$225 if paid in full by Jan 28. $250 if paid in full by Feb 11. $275 after
Feb 11. $50 non-refundable registration fee per person. $100 total
non-refundable per person after Feb 11. Mira 800/766-0629 or 831/684-2299.
Local contact and workshop content: Chery 505/991-0839
thesourceabq.com
MAR 27-APR 3, 2011
HAWAII “Couples in Paradise”
A week-long retreat just for couples that will transform your relationship.
This retreat is for you if you’re ready and willing for a quantum leap in
your relationship. The romantic quality of Hawaii and the luxury of having
a full week together will make this retreat truly life changing for each
couple that attends. We will focus on healing, renewal, communication,
forgiving, deepening the sexual relationship and rising, not falling, in
love with our partner. We will have couple meditations and yoga, inspiring
music, laughter and thrilling sight-seeing – in short, an extraordinary
heart-opening experience for you and your partner in the presence of
dolphins, whales, giant sea turtles, a beautiful black sand beach and the
nearby volcano, steam vents, and thermal warm ponds. Kalani Honua on the
Hilo side of the Big Island. Music by Charley Thweatt. Tuition:
$1950/couple. Lodging and meals: $1050-1820, depending on lodging option,
includes 21 gourmet meals. More info…
APR 15-17
WOMEN LIVING FROM THE HEART RETREAT with Joyce at our home-center
Give yourself a true spiritual gift. Empower yourself to more fully express
your divine feminine. The focus of this retreat will be the deepening of
our connection with the sacred and the supporting of ourselves and each
other as women to express all the beauty that is within us. Friday dinner
to Sunday lunch. Cost (includes six vegetarian meals and either camping,
bed-rolling or day use/local lodging): $295 if paid in full by Apr 8. $320
after Apr 8. $50 non-refundable deposit per person. $100 non-refundable
after Apr 8.
APR 30-MAY 1
PORTLAND COUPLES WORKSHOP
Location: Nanette and Joe’s studio. (503) 252-1451.
Times: Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, 9am-4pm.
Cost per couple: (if paid in full by Apr 23) $495. $545 after Apr 23. $75
nonrefundable deposit. $150 nonrefundable after Apr 23. Payment plans,
partial scholarships & work-exchanges available.
MAY 27-30
ROWE, MA
East Coast “Couples Living From The Heart” Retreat. Memorial Day
Weekend at Rowe Retreat Center in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains. Music
by Scott Kalechstein. Call Rowe at 413-339-4954.
JUN 3-5
ESALEN INSTITUTE, BIG SUR, CA
The Shared Heart Retreat: The Couple's Journey to Wholeness. Learn skills
to dramatically improve your relationship, while luxuriating at one of the
most uniquely beautiful retreat centers we have ever visited. Work-trades
or alternative lodging available. Phone: 831-667-3005. …more info
JUL 10-15
KLAMATH RIVER, CA
White Water Adventure Quest (for adults and children 6 and older) Our 21st
annual Klamath River trip will again emphasize spiritual renewal,
celebrating nature’s simplicity and beauty, family bonding, and having
fun! We’ll journey for 5 days and 4 nights on Northern CA’s wild and
scenic “middle” Klamath River. 25 participants max, so please plan
ahead to avoid missing out on this trip of a lifetime. $795/adult and
$675/youth.
JUL 17-22
BREITENBUSH HOT SPRINGS, OR
Summer Renewal Retreat with music by Charley Thweatt. For individuals,
couples, and families. Each summer at Breitenbush Hot Springs Conference
Center, we witness individuals and couples moving through the barriers
which prevent them from fully loving. We rejoice as families are united and
children opened to their natural selves. The children’s program is alive
with art and movement, nature experiences and fun groups! The age groups
are 4-5, 6-8, 9-12, 13-15 & 16-19. The overall theme is “The Quest,” a
series of adventures leading toward self-discovery. This is the highlight
of the year for our whole family. Cost: adults $660-935 depending upon
lodging option. Children: FREE-$555 depending upon age. Registration: Mira
at The Shared Heart Foundation office toll-free 800-766-0629. Partial work
exchanges are available in the children’s program. More info…
OCT 8-9
GERMANY
Couples Retreat at Osterberg Institut near Hamburg.
OCT 18-24
ASSISI, ITALY
Living from the Heart Retreat for individuals and couples with music by
Charley Thweatt. More info…
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Is it Anger or is it Abuse?
Leonard was yelling at his wife, “Damn it, Mary, when are you going to give me any respect. I work all day long and come home to a messy house and dinner isn’t even started. What do you do all day?!”
Mary was clearly intimidated. She was sitting wordlessly on the couch while he stood threateningly above her, clenching his fists as if he would hit her. She was hugging herself in a desperate attempt at self-protection, while the tears gave away her fear and pain.
No question here. This is obviously abusive and unhealthy anger. How about this next example:
Tammie in a loud voice, “I’m so pissed off at you Phil. You did it again. You said you’d be home at six, and it’s now seven. You don’t care shit about me.”
“I’m really sorry Tammie. The traffic was bad and I wanted…”
“I’m not done Phil. It’s only been one week since the last time you were late. I don’t trust your word anymore. You say you’re going to do something, and then you don’t. Don’t I matter to you?”
“Of course you matter, I tried to call but only got your voice mail.”
“Always with the excuses. I’m tired of your excuses. You don’t mean anything you say. I’m done with this marriage!”
Is Tammie’s anger healthy or unhealthy? While definitely healthier than Leonard’s, it is still not healthy.
Lana and Cade went through the same scenario and here’s how they dealt with it:
“Cade, I feel hurt and angry. You said you’d be home at six, and it’s now seven. I felt scared that something might have happened to you.”
“I’m really sorry Lana. The traffic was bad, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve called you.”
“I’m just feeling disrespected, hurt and angry.”
Lana is being healthy with her anger. Why? Because she has made no blanket accusations like Tammie’s, “You don’t care shit about me. I don’t trust your word anymore. You don’t mean anything you say.” She allowed Cade to speak without cutting him off. She didn’t make threats like Tammie’s, “I’m done with this marriage!” Instead, she kept to “I” statements, letting Cade know how she felt, rather than making him wrong or shaming him.
Expressing anger is rarely enjoyable to your partner, but it can still be healthy and safe. I remember going through a phase in our early relationship where I felt expressing anger was definitely not healthy or safe. Joyce would express her anger and I would repress my anger, and even put her down for getting angry. Because that didn’t work for her, her anger would then escalate to the next higher level. This would feel intolerable to me, and I would leave, regardless of where we were. Definitely not healthy on my part.
One day, we were outside the house, and Joyce was expressing anger at me. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I yelled at her in anger. First there was a look of shock on her face, then gradually a smile appeared and she reached out and hugged me. She was actually thanking me for my anger.
I have stopped holding in my anger. Sometimes I go to the other extreme and let it out too loudly. At those times I imagine Joyce wishes I would go back to the way I was. But she assures me she rather have me yell too loudly than not at all.
Ideally, most anger can be headed off by addressing the feelings underneath, which are usually hurt or fear. When these deeper feelings are expressed and acknowledged, there often is no need for anger. For example, it is unavoidable for Joyce and me to sometimes say or do something that triggers hurt feelings in the other. Usually this is completely unintentional. Our goal is to say something like, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me by saying/doing ______, but it did hurt me.” I have to admit, Joyce is better at it than me. When she makes that statement, it helps me in two ways. First, it acknowledges that I didn’t mean to hurt her. This is very important to me, often preventing me from going to an old tape, “I’m a bad boy,” or “I can’t ever do it right.” Second, it allows me room to hear her hurt and immediately apologize, which can bring us back to love very quickly.
When the hurt or fear is not felt and expressed, anger is the next level. Just to be very clear, here are some guidelines for the healthy expression of anger:
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Mary was clearly intimidated. She was sitting wordlessly on the couch while he stood threateningly above her, clenching his fists as if he would hit her. She was hugging herself in a desperate attempt at self-protection, while the tears gave away her fear and pain.
No question here. This is obviously abusive and unhealthy anger. How about this next example:
Tammie in a loud voice, “I’m so pissed off at you Phil. You did it again. You said you’d be home at six, and it’s now seven. You don’t care shit about me.”
“I’m really sorry Tammie. The traffic was bad and I wanted…”
“I’m not done Phil. It’s only been one week since the last time you were late. I don’t trust your word anymore. You say you’re going to do something, and then you don’t. Don’t I matter to you?”
“Of course you matter, I tried to call but only got your voice mail.”
“Always with the excuses. I’m tired of your excuses. You don’t mean anything you say. I’m done with this marriage!”
Is Tammie’s anger healthy or unhealthy? While definitely healthier than Leonard’s, it is still not healthy.
Lana and Cade went through the same scenario and here’s how they dealt with it:
“Cade, I feel hurt and angry. You said you’d be home at six, and it’s now seven. I felt scared that something might have happened to you.”
“I’m really sorry Lana. The traffic was bad, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve called you.”
“I’m just feeling disrespected, hurt and angry.”
Lana is being healthy with her anger. Why? Because she has made no blanket accusations like Tammie’s, “You don’t care shit about me. I don’t trust your word anymore. You don’t mean anything you say.” She allowed Cade to speak without cutting him off. She didn’t make threats like Tammie’s, “I’m done with this marriage!” Instead, she kept to “I” statements, letting Cade know how she felt, rather than making him wrong or shaming him.
Expressing anger is rarely enjoyable to your partner, but it can still be healthy and safe. I remember going through a phase in our early relationship where I felt expressing anger was definitely not healthy or safe. Joyce would express her anger and I would repress my anger, and even put her down for getting angry. Because that didn’t work for her, her anger would then escalate to the next higher level. This would feel intolerable to me, and I would leave, regardless of where we were. Definitely not healthy on my part.
One day, we were outside the house, and Joyce was expressing anger at me. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I yelled at her in anger. First there was a look of shock on her face, then gradually a smile appeared and she reached out and hugged me. She was actually thanking me for my anger.
I have stopped holding in my anger. Sometimes I go to the other extreme and let it out too loudly. At those times I imagine Joyce wishes I would go back to the way I was. But she assures me she rather have me yell too loudly than not at all.
Ideally, most anger can be headed off by addressing the feelings underneath, which are usually hurt or fear. When these deeper feelings are expressed and acknowledged, there often is no need for anger. For example, it is unavoidable for Joyce and me to sometimes say or do something that triggers hurt feelings in the other. Usually this is completely unintentional. Our goal is to say something like, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me by saying/doing ______, but it did hurt me.” I have to admit, Joyce is better at it than me. When she makes that statement, it helps me in two ways. First, it acknowledges that I didn’t mean to hurt her. This is very important to me, often preventing me from going to an old tape, “I’m a bad boy,” or “I can’t ever do it right.” Second, it allows me room to hear her hurt and immediately apologize, which can bring us back to love very quickly.
When the hurt or fear is not felt and expressed, anger is the next level. Just to be very clear, here are some guidelines for the healthy expression of anger:
- “I” statements are rarely abusive. “I am angry,” rather than “You did _____,” or “Why did you do ____.”
- Healthy anger is not intimidating or controlling. Even “I” statements can be abusive if you are scaring the person you are addressing. If you are physically or emotionally dominating this person, you are being abusive. This includes not letting him or her speak or respond, and of course touching him or her in inappropriate or aggressive ways.
- Healthy anger stays in the present, rather than bringing up unrelated things from the past to fortify your argument. “You came home an hour late without calling, yesterday you forgot to bring out the garbage, and the day before you left your dirty dishes on the table.” Not healthy.
- Healthy anger does not generalize. “You’re always breaking your commitments.”
- Healthy anger does not make threats of any kind. “Break one more commitment and I’m out of here!”
- Name calling or swearing is unhealthy.
Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.
Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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