Joseph and Samantha took our advice. No matter how busy they felt they were, every Saturday starting at 5pm was their date night. Both self-employed, they previously had trouble setting limits on their work schedule. They would typically plan a special time together, only to let some unplanned deadline swallow it up. Ever since their commitment to their weekly date, their relationship took an upswing. Sometimes they went out to dinner, sometimes a show, sometimes dancing, sometimes just a long walk. Almost always, a special part of their date was coming back home to make love.
Now, six months later, they faced another challenge. Sex was losing its magic, its spontaneity. It only happened on Saturday night. The rest of the week seemed to be lost in a blur of frenetic activity and ever-demanding work.
We asked Samantha and Joseph, “What about the little passionate moments that are possible throughout the day, like long kisses or hugs, or a moment for a deeper appreciation rather than a simple compliment, or the intimacy of looking into one another's eyes, or even a brief massage?”
Joseph's response surprised me. He said, “I don't want to start anything I can't finish. If I kiss Samantha longer than a few seconds, I might start to feel sexually aroused, and it might not be a good time to make love.”
Samantha nodded in agreement.
We told them that sex doesn't have to be in a box, isolated to one part of their busy schedule. Sensual energy is an integral part of the relationship, part of the loving connection. Sensual moments can happen at any time of the day, and don't need to be anything more than a moment. If a long kiss leads to arousal, wonderful. Learn to enjoy the moment of arousal as a complete moment, rather than seeing it as a step towards intercourse. That way, when you do fully make love, it will be as if your sexuality is a continuum, rather than an isolated event in time. And it's this continuity, the string of even little sensual moments, that allows love-making to be truly magical.
When Joyce and I participate in sensual moments throughout the day, kisses longer than usual, caresses or holding, our sexual energies don't go dormant. We sometimes really have fun with this. We spend a fair amount of time on airplanes. When we get off a plane and arrive at baggage claim, we pretend to be reuniting like separated lovers. One of us will say, “How was your flight?” Then we will fall into each other's arms and hug and kiss like we haven't seen one another for a long time. It's just another excuse to awaken that glorious passion between us – in a place where other people are greeting one another as well.
Joseph and Samantha were delighted. This seemed to be a whole new territory for them. Samantha looked at Joseph, a twinkle in her eyes, and said, “I just want to make sure, Joseph, that we can eat an appetizer without wanting the whole meal to immediately follow.”
Joseph smiled and said, “I never knew I had permission to just eat an appetizer.”
Samantha and Joseph are doing just fine. They report much more closeness and intimacy, and tell us their Saturday night dates have been exquisite.
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