In every relationship there is a gift to be found that will strengthen and bless our lives. Sometimes these gifts come in sweet, delightful ways and sometimes they come through pain. The important thing is not to be attached to how the gift comes to you, but to pay attention to the possibility of discovering the gift.
Twenty years ago I was pregnant for the third time. This pregnancy was different than with our daughters, because the baby died within me before birth. I felt devastated. The pain of losing the baby was intense. As it was Christmas time, my parents were visiting us from the east coast when I found out the news. My mother had lost twin boys three days after their premature birth. One day I was huddled in a corner feeling that I might never break out of the pain I felt. My mother sat down next to me, looked me in the eyes and said, “I lost your twin brothers and I know how you feel. I felt very sad. Then I realized that I must find the gift in this experience, the gift that those boys came to give me. I found the gift, and my life was enriched. You are my daughter and I want you to do the same. Keep searching until you find the gift.” My mother then quietly walked away.
It took almost a year to realize that our baby “Anjel,” had indeed brought a gift into my life. I began to sense her presence and realized that she continued to bless my life. Through her I learned more about being loved and loving others. Twenty years later I am still grateful for the gift that she brings into my life.
I have been working with a woman who is in the process of a divorce. This woman tried very hard in her marriage. Her husband had a serious addiction which was constantly getting in the way. In the beginning of the marriage she had a lot of difficulty saying “No” and setting boundaries. She was constantly taking care of (enabling) her husband, and not receiving much from him. Slowly, over time, she learned to say “No.” Because he was active in his addiction, he was not ready to listen to her and accept the boundaries that she set up. Finally the big “NO” had to be said, and she asked for a divorce. This woman went through a lot of pain in the course of this relationship. She is grieving the marriage, because she still loves this man. However she realized that she received a powerful gift from being with him. She learned how to say “No,” how to set boundaries and how to take care of herself. These are abilities that will bless her life. I am quite certain that with these gifts she will enter into a healthier relationship in the future.
While writing this article I remembered another relationship where a gift came in a very difficult way. This gift took many years to realize. When our daughters were both little we had a young woman working for us. I will call her Susan. She handled all of our book orders and office affairs. She also babysat our girls and we all loved her as if she were part of our family. Susan had to move back east and needed a place to stay for a few weeks. Since we were traveling as a family for three weeks we offered her our home. She was also going to manage our office until we returned home and then she would move back to the east coast. We trusted Susan completely. When we returned home Susan was gone. We discovered that she had embezzled several thousand dollars from our office account. In looking about our home I sadly also realized that she had stolen my engagement ring and a very precious diamond pin that had been my great grandmothers. She also stole Barry's expensive camera equipment and several others things. In total she stole over $10,000 worth of possessions from us. We tried to contact her, but her parents kept her location a secret. We were able to recover a few of the checks made out to her through her bank, but that was about it. For several years every time we thought about her our hearts would close and a tension would be there. The hardest part was that we had trusted and loved her. Then we realized that one gift for us would be to let it go. We had the power to forgive Susan's actions and continue to love the beautiful person that we had known for five years. Also we realized we couldn't let the experience with her stop us from trusting again. That was an important gift that perhaps no other experience could have brought to us so strongly.
Fifteen years later I picked up our office phone and was surprised to have Susan on the other line. She started to cry when she heard my voice, and told me that every day she thought about what she had done to us. She told me that she felt terrible about herself. I was able to tell her that it had hurt us very deeply, but that we forgave her actions and understood that she must have been in a very desperate place. I also firmly asked her to begin to pay us back for what was stolen. She told me that she wanted desperately to do that. However, we never heard from her again. Money and precious, sentimental jewelry is gone forever, however there is a gift of forgiveness that we have received that has helped to deepen who we are and open our hearts a bit more.
Gifts that come from difficult situations and relationships can be harder to find and fully receive. But when we do find them, they will bless our lives. Of course it is a lot more fun to receive gifts in happier times and relationships, like the birth of a much wanted baby. But in each relationship there is a gift to be found, a gift that will enrich your life and help you to grow into the beauty that you are. So start untying the ribbon, and pulling off the wrapping paper and take the gift from each relationship. You deserve the fullness of the gift.
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