Phillip was forty-five years old and dating a wonderful woman, Beatrice, who adored him. Yet he was unhappy. He blamed himself for lacking enough gratitude for his relationship with Beatrice. He blamed himself for not feeling sexually attracted to her, even though he considered her beautiful. He blamed himself for the almost continuous and nagging feeling that they were not right for each other, even though they got along well and felt comfortable with each other. He revealed perhaps most of all when he said, “I’m afraid this will be my last chance at relationship, that there will be no one else for me.”
Phillip was settling for less than he deserved in a relationship because of his fear of being alone and his feeling of unworthiness to have what he really wanted. Both of these are giant obstacles to a fulfilling relationship. If we’re afraid of being alone, we end up clinging to our partners, but we’re not happy because we’re not really loving ourselves. We’re hoping the other person will bring us this love of self, but this can never happen. The second obstacle, our feeling of unworthiness to have what we really want, feeds into our fear of being alone, and keeps us locked into an unfulfilling relationship.
With our help, Phillip did the courageous thing. He admitted his fear of being alone and his feeling of unworthiness to Beatrice – and asked for time apart. He moved into his own place. Now he has the opportunity to overcome his fear of being alone, and more importantly the next step, to learn about his worthiness to experience real love, open-hearted giving and receiving.
Laura, at age thirty-six, worried every day about her “biological clock,” and was afraid she would never have the opportunity to have children. She had been with Don for six years but, in her heart, she knew the relationship was not going anywhere. There were so many things Don said or did, or didn’t say or do, that she put up with or ignored, rather than saying no, or standing up for herself. She was very clear about it. Her fear kept her trapped in the relationship, settling for less than she really deserved.
With our help, Laura began the process of saying no to all the things that did not work for her in the relationship. Yes, standing up for herself might end her relationship with Don, but it would definitely begin a new relationship – with herself, and thus perhaps begin a new relationship with Don, or someone else if Don could not accept a more powerful and self-loving Laura. In this way, her “fertility clock,” rather than locking her into fear, was motivating her to take a decisive stand for love.
Is there a way you are settling for less than you deserve in a relationship? Are you saying a clear “no” to things that do not work for you, or are not right for you? Are you afraid of being alone? Afraid you will not have another chance at love? And most of all, do you feel unworthy to have a deeply loving relationship?
As we have people experience in our workshops, our worthiness doesn’t depend on the good things we do – or the bad things we don’t do. Too many of us mistakenly learned early in life that love needed to be earned, that worthiness for love was no different than worthiness for money from a job, or grades in school. How untrue! No good thing we have ever done has increased our worthiness for love. No bad thing can ever take away our worthiness. Love has no measure, or limitations, or finite qualities.
After two years of confronting his fear of being alone and finding peace with himself, Phillip found a partner to whom he could give his whole heart. Don, meanwhile, grew to respect Laura so much because of her new-found respect of herself that not only are they now married but they have two children and one on the way.
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