The Greatest Adventure of All

The following is an excerpt from our newest book, “A Mother’s Final Gift: How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family.”

Three weeks before she passed from this world, my ninety-year-old mother, Louise Viola Swanson Wollenberg, began what she called her “greatest adventure of all.” It all started thirty-three years ago. 

Creating a More Functional Family

Every once in a while something will happen in a family that will have a lasting and profound effect. For our family of five this happened on the road from Minneapolis to Duluth, Minnesota. My brother’s youngest son got married two days after Thanksgiving. Barry and I and our three children, Rami age 30, Mira age 25 and John-Nuri age 17, traveled to Minneapolis to attend the wedding and also Thanksgiving at my brother’s house.

The day after Thanksgiving, we traveled by car to Duluth where the wedding would take place. This is a three hour trip, and I wondered how we would occupy our time. The five of us get together often for dinner, but it usually also involves some of their friends, my mom, pets and the whole activity of making dinner. This situation would be different. We would be sitting together in a rental car for three hours. In anticipation of this drive I had gone to the library and looked for books on CD, something we used to enjoy as a family when the children were younger. Mira and John-Nuri brought along their music. I don’t like their music and they don’t like mine. Rami and Barry can go either way. Music was vetoed, along with the books on CD.

Overcoming Sexual Obstacles

Before you give in to hopelessness or despair over the problems in your sexual relationship, consider Donna and Ron Sturm’s inspiring story. And yes, these are their real names. They have given Joyce and me permission to tell their story, and we have, at many of our couple’s events.

Ron was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The ensuing surgery, as often happens, caused damage to the nerves responsible for penile erection. Additionally, female hormone therapy for the cancer wiped out his desire for sex. They went from an active sex life to zero sex life very quickly.

The Secret of Lasting Happiness

Have you ever asked yourself, “What brings me lasting happiness?” It is a good question. A lot of people answer this in the future tense: When I have a lot of money I will have lasting happiness. Or when I find the perfect partner (or make my partner into the perfect partner) then I will be happy. Perhaps the answer is when they are in better shape, needing to finish their education, become famous, retire from a job they don’t like, when they have children, when their children are grown and out of the house and the list of future objectives goes on and on.

Sponsored by the Dalai Lama Foundation, our son’s class of 14 senior high school students went on a quest to India to find out the answer to the question, “What brings you lasting happiness.” They interviewed a lot of amazing people, including Richard Gere, Abdul Kalam (the President of India), Nirmala Deshpande (who marched with Gandhi and still carries on his work in India), as well as other inspiring people. Each answered very specifically and in very beautiful ways. But it was in the two hour interview with the Dalai Lama, that the question was most profoundly answered. Our son, John-Nuri, wrote the Dalai Lama’s answer to this question, just minutes after leaving the interview.
“My favorite part of our audience with His Holiness was when we asked him what brings him lasting happiness. He paused, thought for a moment and then answered with a smile, “I don’t know.” I thought this was exactly the answer we needed to hear. There is such a simple lesson to be learned from this wisdom. We cannot be given the answer to what brings lasting happiness. In a way, His Holiness was telling us that in the end, we just have to find out the answer for ourselves. In this way, whatever comes along in our life that gives us lasting happiness, we will be in the moment, living it for ourselves.”

Irreconcilable Differences

Is there such a thing as “irreconcilable differences?” How different can two people be and still have an intimately loving relationship? Joyce and I get asked these questions frequently.

It is said that opposites attract. The negative and positive poles of a magnet attract each other. We have found this to be true with relationships. We are attracted to qualities in a mate that bring us balance, strengths we need to develop within ourselves, and weaknesses that allow us to be strong.

The Judging Mind

It is so easy to judge others, to condemn people without really knowing who they are, or without hearing their story.
Do you think of yourself as a nonjudgmental person? Try answering this question. It’s time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates. Who would you choose?

Candidate A associates with crooked politicians and has two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C is a decorated war hero, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

The second most important quality in a relationship

People often ask us, “What is the most important quality in a relationship?” We always answer that the spiritual aspect is the most important, just as for each individual the spiritual aspect, the awareness of a higher power or non-physical consciousness, is the most important to develop. Then people ask, “But what is the second most important quality to develop in a relationship?” Until two weeks ago I have never known the answer to that question. I usually respond that there are many important qualities, like appreciation, gratitude, honoring, understanding, sharing ideas, making the relationship a priority, nurturing the inner child within each one, having a sense of humor, communication towards a healthy sexual relationship, a shared vision and taking responsibility. 


Two weeks ago at a couple’s retreat, a couple showed me that taking responsibility for your own pain rather than blaming it upon your partner, is the second most important quality to develop in a relationship. Without this quality, none of the other qualities can be developed.