Before you give in to hopelessness or despair over the problems in your sexual relationship, consider Donna and Ron Sturm’s inspiring story. And yes, these are their real names. They have given Joyce and me permission to tell their story, and we have, at many of our couple’s events.
Ron was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The ensuing surgery, as often happens, caused damage to the nerves responsible for penile erection. Additionally, female hormone therapy for the cancer wiped out his desire for sex. They went from an active sex life to zero sex life very quickly.
But Donna refused to give up on such an important part of their relationship. She let Ron know she still wanted to make love with him, and invited him to receive her affections. Although hesitant, and embarrassed about his shrunken penis, he agreed. Donna decided that, with enough love, she might be able to help heal the damage done by the surgery. She gently touched and loved Ron’s atrophied sexual organ. Ron felt nothing at first, but with Donna’s gentle coaching, he learned how to feel subtle sensations throughout other parts of his body, rather than focusing all his attention on his genitals, as he had done all his adult life. He was learning to enjoy sex in a whole new way.
After some time of her giving to him, Donna felt it was now her turn. She thought often about what she would do in a reverse scenario – if she were the one with sexual impairment and chemically cancelled libido. In a moment of guilt-free bravery, she asked her husband to love her body and give her pleasure even though he had none of his own sexual desire. Ron accepted the challenge to make love with Donna without the use of his penis. He learned to use loving communication as well as his hands and tongue.
They learned to more deeply communicate. Before Ron’s surgery, they rarely talked about sex. After the surgery, their communication blossomed. In time, there were no taboo topics. The word “intercourse,” after all, originally referred to conversation.
Then the miracle happened. Ron’s penis started to respond during lovemaking. He started having partial erections (eventually up to 75%), with more and more sensation, and finally orgasms. Although this occasionally happens after prostate surgery, Donna and Ron are convinced their love and perseverance quickened the process.
Elaine and Joachim (not their real names), a couple I worked with in counseling, illustrate another difficult situation that was overcome by love. Elaine’s rectal cancer was treated by extensive radiation, which damaged her vagina. Joachim’s penis entering her vagina, which had previously been pleasurable, was now painful. Elaine described herself as “damaged goods,” and Joachim felt helpless and frustrated. In the sessions, I coached them to more vulnerably communicate their feelings and needs. Elaine was able to ask for more sensitivity, which translated into more gentle and yet extended foreplay, more communication of loving feelings, and eventually partial insertion of his penis into her vagina. In other words, Joachim realized the impairment in their lovemaking was just as much his challenge as Elaine’s. His lack of sensitivity as a lover, which could be overlooked before the radiation treatments, could no longer be ignored.
Although these two examples involve medical conditions and treatment-related sexual dysfunction, the same principles apply to any sexual obstacle. Gentle, loving communication is essential. Sometimes in our couple’s workshops, we lead a two-part exercise. First, we have the couples focus on positive aspects of their partner’s sexuality. We have them speak their appreciations from their hearts. No matter how difficult the situation, there is always something to appreciate. There is perhaps no greater need for appreciation than to your partner as a sexual lover. The second part of the exercise involves each partner stating what he or she needs to have a more fulfilling sexual relationship. This must be done sensitively as an “I” statement, for example, “I am so happy when you look into my eyes during lovemaking,” rather than “I need you to look into my eyes.” The former statement is affirming and empowering. The latter statement can be seen as belittling or condescending.
Remember that all sexual challenges in a relationship are a shared challenge, not a his or her problem. Each partner contributes equally to the lack of sexual fulfillment, but perhaps in very different ways. If one partner is blamed for even 51% of the problem, there can be no enduring solution.
Most of all, don’t give up on your sexual relationship. So many couples of all ages (even some in their twenties) have given up hope of ever having a loving sexual connection. Sex may not be the most important part of a relationship, but it can be a sweet, nurturing, and passionate way to celebrate your love.
No comments:
Post a Comment