Don't Hold Back

When I was twenty-seven years old, a woman friend became frustrated with how much
love and attention I was giving Barry, my husband of five years. She was a
teacher of women’s studies at a local college. This subject was brand new in
1973 and emphasized women’s liberation. She saw my devotion to Barry as old
fashioned and “unliberated.” In a burst of anger she said, “You’re putting all
your eggs in one basket. Barry is going to die someday and then you’ll be sorry
you concentrated so much love on him.”




I was so stunned and hurt by her words that I had to let go of that friendship. However, over the years, I couldn’t help reflecting on her words. She was right that I
was making my relationship with Barry my top priority, even over my career and
friends. But was this wrong? Would I one day regret that I had focused so much
of my love on him? If he died suddenly, would I find that I had done the wrong
thing by concentrating so much of my time on him?

In the past twelve months I have reflected on this woman’s words more deeply. It
has been a difficult period of time. Seven close friends that we have known
over twenty five years have died. A few of these have died very suddenly in the
peak of their careers and activities. Several close women friends have become
widows after many years of marriage. Each of these women has loved their
husband fully. One of my friends, who was married for 47 years, says it is all
the love she gave that is now the greatest comfort for her. If she had to do it
all over again, she would have still loved completely and made her husband the
focus of her love.

When we work with people in their grieving process, we find that it is the love that
is not given that causes the most pain and sadness. I must admit that with our
seven friends that have passed this year, I definitely have some regrets. I
wish I would have spent more time with some or called more often. But I am also
comforted because, with each one, they knew I loved them and believed in their
greatness. They knew I appreciated them and carried them tenderly in my heart.

Now that several of my friends have become widows I cannot help but reflect on my
own situation. With the time I have left with Barry, how do I want to spend it?
I certainly do not want to hold onto anger and resentment. My one friend became
a widow in the course of minutes. One minute her husband was active and getting
ready for their child’s birthday party, and the next minute he was gone. I want
to keep my relationship with Barry very current and in harmony. I want to work
through difficulties as quickly as we can. Each day I want to love him in a new
way. I want him to feel cherished. I may never be perfect in the ways I want to
love him, but it is in the trying that brings me so much comfort.

Two weeks ago we had another death in our family. This time it was our daughter
Rami’s beloved horse, Magic, who had been her very dear friend for twenty two
years. A death of such a treasured animal has its own deep grief. Rami had a
memorial service for her horse at his burial site. She dressed up in her
cowgirl clothes that she had gotten as a young teenager when she first bought
Magic and read a tribute to him. Our family plus her closest friends came to
the service. Each of us spoke about our love for this very special horse. At
the end one friend said, “Rami, you loved and cared for your horse 100%. All
the love you gave to him will come back and bless you.”

The love we give to others comes back and blesses us. I am so grateful that I did
not listen to that “liberated” woman friend. I am so grateful that I gave my
all to Barry during a period of time in our country when it was considered
“backward and politically incorrect” for a woman to love her husband so completely.
I am grateful that the love has come back and blesses me over and over again.

Let’s not hold back our love from anyone that is dear to us. Let’s take every
opportunity to express our appreciation and caring. No one can hear heart-felt
words of love too often. I have understood more deeply this year that we really
don’t know how much time we have left with our loved ones. Fortunately for the
friends of mine that became widows this year, they had taken the time to love
on a daily basis. Even though one husband was gone in the wink of an eye, it is
all the words and acts of love and tenderness that will bring enduring comfort
to his wife.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love
and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and
Joyce Vissell: Jan 27-Feb 3, 2013—Hawaii “Couples in Paradise”
Retreat; Jul 21-26, 2013—Breitenbush Hot
Springs Summer Renewal in Oregon; and Oct 22-28, 2013—Living from the
Heart in Assisi, Italy

Call Toll-Free
1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation,
P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce,
further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books,
recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly
e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many
topics about relationship and living from the heart.