Life’s Flips: How Do We Respond When Things Go Wrong

Things can go wrong in the blink of an eye. One moment, all appears well. The next moment, everything can change. No matter how well we plan, we can’t protect ourselves from life’s upsets. One of my favorite Yiddish expressions: “Mann Tracht, und Gott Lacht.” (Man/woman plans, and God laughs.) It’s not what happens to us, but how we respond, that matters the most. We can respond with disappointment and anger, or we can look for the miracles and divine interventions.

 

The Power of Words to Heal or Hurt

Our words have a tremendous power to bring healing and strength to another person or to hurt in a very deep way. We should never underestimate the power we have to use our words for a positive effect on a person’s life or, in some cases, a lasting negative effect.

When I was growing up my parents loved me very much. My father loved me as much as any father could love a little girl. He played games, built a toy house and read to me each night before I went to sleep. But he didn’t like my sensitivity, especially my tears when I felt hurt. My father felt that my sensitivity and tears would stand in the way of my having a successful and happy life. Often I heard, “You must get over being so sensitive and getting hurt. It will stand in your way.” When I would get hurt and cry, I was sent to my room and again told to get over the feelings as they were not good. As a child I believed my father. I thought I was handicapped as much as someone who is blind or deaf. I didn’t know how to tell myself to stop feeling. And so the feelings came, sometimes with tears, and I felt ashamed of them.

Dependence Day: A New International Holiday

I have been reflecting about Independence Day ever since this past July 4. Besides commemorating America’s independence from England, for Joyce and me it is also a celebration of independence in general, our personal freedom. Our personal independence allows us to choose our lives, live them however we want, decide who we marry, what kind of work we do, if we want to have children, and the religion or spiritual path we follow. Independence gives us freedom of choice.

Loving Your Inner Child: A Secret of True Happiness

For over forty years, Joyce and I have taught singles and couples to embrace their inner child as one of the key ways to live more fully from the heart and to have more fulfilling relationships. Today, looking over our archive of hundreds of articles, many of which address the inner child, I realized neither of us has dedicated a whole article to this vital topic. Yes, there are many books covering inner child work, but we have our own way of illuminating the basic principles.

Holding a Grudge: Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

Several years ago, I was in a group in which two of the individuals were having conflict. One person wanted resolution and the other did not. All of our best efforts at conflict resolution were of no use. The one individual did not want to budge from their position and were determined that they had done nothing wrong. During my experience in this group, I sat back and felt how this unresolved situation was affecting everyone. As I was observing others and feeling my own feelings, I suddenly remembered an experience from my childhood.

Show Affection in Public

It’s not enough to show love and affection when it’s just the two of you. Don’t ever hesitate to show your love in public as well. Okay, it doesn’t need to be overdone. If your loved one’s an introvert, you might embarrass her or him by gushing too much around other people. Just be sensitive to your partner’s feelings as much as your own.

The problem is usually on the other side, not enough public love and affection. Women as well as men often receive strong indoctrination against showing love. It’s too often viewed as a sign of weakness. I have to admit, I fell into this category when I was eighteen and newly in relationship with Joyce. I was embarrassed about showing love in public. I was sometimes even embarrassed about walking next to her. Once, we were walking down the hill from Hartwick College into the town of Oneonta in upstate New York. Joyce had a childlike bounce to her step, completely uninhibited and unashamed. I asked her to walk more like an adult (that is, an adult in my mind!). She refused and told me I needed to accept her just as she was. My response was to cross the street and keep pace with her from the other side of the street. Sometimes I wonder why she stayed with me.

“Am I Too Much for You?”

 

Do you ever wonder if you’re too much for those you love? Do you ever worry that you will burden them? Do you ever feel that your loved ones already have enough on their plate to be concerned about your upsets? These are probably feelings that we all have from time to time. We feel it is better to hold in our upset feelings rather than take a chance that we might further burden our friends or partner.

 

Two women friends came to a workshop of ours. These two single women had been best friends for a long time and really seemed more like twin sisters than friends. They cared and loved each other very much. Because they each held very responsible jobs many miles from each other, they only saw one another several times a year. But they talked on the phone every day, sometimes for just a few minutes. They also worried about one another. They worried that the current boy friend was not the right one. They worried that the other was working too hard or not in good enough health.  Their relationship to one another was very touching to the rest of us in the workshop.