I have been reflecting about Independence Day ever since
this past July 4. Besides commemorating America’s independence from England,
for Joyce and me it is also a celebration of independence in general, our
personal freedom. Our personal independence allows us to choose our lives, live
them however we want, decide who we marry, what kind of work we do, if we want to
have children, and the religion or spiritual path we follow. Independence gives
us freedom of choice.
In all this celebration of independence, however, we can
easily forget an equally important thing … dependence. Dependence is rarely celebrated.
Instead, it is too often seen as something negative, an unfortunate condition
of the weak. The obvious dependence of babies and children, the clear way they
need their parents, is usually seen as a temporary state. Children will grow up
and become independent, and often this process is hurried by the parents. Many
children receive the message that dependence equals weakness. They feel the
pressure to grow up and become independent.
I remember feeling this pressure and the sadness of saying
goodbye to my childhood. I also remember needing to armor myself against the
lack of safety and my sensitivity. I remember riding home after school one day
on the school bus. The boy sitting behind me didn’t like me and was picking a
fight with me. I was a timid, introverted thirteen-year-old. In that moment, I
literally hid away that sensitive child and put on the disguise of a tough
fighter. The bus stopped. I got out, followed by the instigator and his
friends, who circled around to watch me get beaten up. I adopted a fighting
stance with my fists up, like I’d seen in the movies. I must have looked formidable
enough, because it kept him away. However, that and a number of other moments
like it, also sealed off the child part of me. It has taken years for me to reclaim
my inner child.
Sometimes I have gotten a little carried away in the
celebration of my need and dependence. Once, a number of years ago, Joyce and I
were invited to lead one day of a longer training program. We were brought in
as the “relationship experts.” For some reason, I especially addressed the
importance of need and dependence in our relationships. Perhaps I sensed the
resistance in the room, so I became quite vulnerable about my pain and struggle
to find my inner child and his deep need for love and nurturing. Finally, someone
spoke, “Barry and Joyce, it seems you both are unaware of what we have been
learning these past days. We have focused on standing in our full power, rather
than the need and dependence of our inner child. Now I see that we can’t be powerful
until we embrace our dependence. Thank you.”
In another workshop, I spoke passionately about my need for
Joyce’s love. During a break, a woman approached Joyce and said, “How can you
stand it? Barry is so needy!” Rather than answer her, Joyce told her to wait,
then ran to find me. She said, “Barry, there’s a woman who thinks you’re too
needy.” It brought such a smile to my face. I rushed up to the woman Joyce had
pointed out and said, “Really! You think I’m too needy. Thank you so much. That
means so much to me.” When the group reconvened, I could hardly contain myself.
I shared with everyone what had happened and how happy it made me. Someone
really saw the depth of my need and dependence. No matter that it turned her
off. It was so refreshing to not hide my dependence from myself and others.
Our real independence is our acceptance of our dependence. As
long as we hide or ignore our inner child who needs love, we are not free. When
I finally realized how much I need Joyce, I felt free at last. It took so much
energy to push away my dependence. Remember the difference between “need” and
“neediness.” Many people, like the woman in our workshop, don’t realize they
are two different things. “Neediness” expects someone else to give you what you
need. It is other-directed and, unless perhaps you are a small child or infant,
usually a turn-off. “Need” is inner-directed. It expects nothing from anyone
else. In my early years of awakening to my need, I would sometimes call Joyce
from my job in the middle of the day and announce, “Joyce, I’m feeling my need
for your love.” Joyce knew I did not expect anything from her. It was simply a
celebration of my dependence. She would smile and thank me, and feel my
cherishing of her.
Our highest dependence is on God. It is our independence
that often keeps us separate from the highest power in the universe. When we
feel our complete dependence upon divine love, we feel like a child being held
by the most perfect parents.
One of my favorite stories is about the disciple who
approached his teacher and urgently said, “I must know God. Please help me,
Master.” The teacher brought his disciple down to the river and proceeded to
hold the disciple’s head under water. At first the disciple thought, “How
great, he is baptizing me so I can be born anew.” After a minute or so, and he
was running out of air, the disciple had a new thought, “Why is my master
drowning me?” When he finally saw the bubbles and understood his disciple was
out of air, the teacher lifted the student’s head out of the water and spoke,
“When your need for God is just as great as your need for air, then you will
know God.”
I hereby nominate a new international holiday: Dependence
Day. We could celebrate Dependence Day by reflecting upon and
expressing our need for one another, our interdependence, as well as our need
for the divine. We could rejoice in the dependence of our inner child, and thus
really feel loved.
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