Do you ever feel unworthy to receive good things in your
life? It’s not an easy question to answer. Some of you are in touch with your
feelings of not deserving. Some of you are not. I dare say that feelings of
unworthiness are present in most of us, although we might not be aware of them.
The first step in overcoming these feelings is to become aware of them. This
can’t only be a mental process. Feelings of unworthiness need to be recognized
and felt, before healing can happen.
Joyce and I see many people in our counseling practice who
deny any feelings of unworthiness. These same people show some of the classic
signs of unworthiness: difficulty asking for what they need, most forms of
procrastination, resistance to lifestyle improvement, not taking good enough
care of themselves, or problems with addiction. There are perhaps many times
when we resist something good simply because we don’t believe we deserve it.
Where do these feelings of unworthiness come from? Our
childhood can hold some important clues. In a previous article, “How We
Internalize Blame” (on our website, SharedHeart.org), I wrote about a violent
act by my mother and the message given to me that her violence was my fault. I
learned that I deserved violence … not helpful! But I very much needed to
become aware of this feeling, before I could learn on a feeling level that no
child deserves violence.
I also learned in my childhood that love was conditional. I
needed to earn love by being extra good. So as an adult, and a
doctor/psychotherapist, the more I helped people, the more good I did in the
world, the more I deserved to be happy (or so I unconsciously thought). But
this never worked because it was a flawed concept. Perhaps twenty years ago, at
a couple’s retreat at Rowe Conference Center in Massachusetts, I vulnerably
shared these feelings. Scott Kalechstein Grace, our musician and assistant,
suggested I experiment with lying on one of the couches in the back of the room
and completely letting go of leading the workshop. He said, “Don’t worry, Joyce
and I can lead the workshop just fine.” Just then, an older man suggested I lie
with my head in his lap so he could father me and keep giving me the message
that I was perfectly worthy without having to do a thing, without having to
prove my worthiness.
It was a fabulous experience! I really let go. Even though I
only lay there for perhaps twenty minutes, I returned with a whole new feeling
of worthiness that did not depend on doing anything. I became a human being
rather than a human doing. It’s simply not possible to earn love or happiness.
Love and happiness are our birthright.
The healing of unworthiness lies in understanding our dual
nature. I’ve said this before but it’s worth saying again: we are both human
beings having a spiritual experience AND we are spiritual beings having a human
experience. If we identify with either one, and push away the other, we delay
our healing of unworthiness. If we’re only human beings having a spiritual
experience, we become too identified with our unworthiness, and so cannot let
it go. If we’re only spiritual beings having a human experience, we risk
minimizing or even denying our human feelings, including unworthiness.
Healing our unworthiness depends on our acceptance of our
humanity and our divinity. Here’s an example. Many years ago, Ram Dass lived
close to us and was an important teacher for us. He was writing a book about
his guru, and had not spoken in public in many months. Then he received an
invitation to speak at a local college, the University of California Santa
Cruz. We saw him the day of the talk. He admitted to us that he felt more
nervous than he had in many years. He felt unworthy to speak as a teacher to so
many people. And he had been praying deeply for divine help.
Joyce and I went to the talk that evening. We told him later
that it was the best talk he had ever given. He actually agreed. He said he was
more in touch with his humanity … and his unworthiness … than ever before. As a
result, he also opened more to his divinity and his need for divine help.
One of my heroes is Saint Francis, a man who was intimate
with his unworthiness. He actually took unworthiness to a whole new level. He
often stood in the Piazza del Comune, the village square in Assisi, dressed in
rags and acting like a fool. Even now he is still referred to as the “Fool of
God.” People called him names, spit at him. Children threw rocks at him. All
the while, he thanked God for the bad treatment. He actually celebrated his
unworthiness! Was he a masochist? Not at all. He felt so close to his beloved
Jesus while he was being abused. He became completely identified with Christ
who also suffered even worse abuse. As a result, Francis also rose into a
spiritual ecstasy, into a true awareness of his divine worthiness, his full
divinity.
Okay, maybe it’s a bit of a stretch to celebrate your
unworthiness. But still you can accept these feelings as part of accepting your
full human condition. Only then can you more fully accept your divine condition
and open to your original worthiness. We have always been worthy. We are all
divine beings too. Nothing we have ever done, or could ever do, can take away
our inherent worthiness. Yes, we all make mistakes, some very big ones too. But
we are not our mistakes. We are sparks of the one divine light. We deserve all
the good the universe has to offer. When we know our worthiness, we are then
free to give all of our love and make our dreams come true.
Here are a few opportunities to
bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led
by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
Oct 11-17 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Feb 4-11, 2018 — Hawaii Couples Retreat
on the Big Island
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist
couple since 1964, are
counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's
top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The
Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s
Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call
831-684-2299 or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA
95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person,
their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their
web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated
schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and
living from the heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment