"When 'I'm not Good Enough' Meets 'I Have to Take Care of Everyone.'"

These two core issues (or negative messages from childhood) often meet and interact with one another, sometimes in disastrous ways. Usually the carriers of these issues are more or less unaware of them.

“I’m not good enough” (often, but not always, a man) thinks “I can never get it right, I’ll never measure up, and therefore I simply don’t deserve love.”

“I have to take care of everyone” (often, but not always, a woman) thinks “My job in life is to make everyone else happy, there is no one who can or will take care of me, and therefore I similarly don’t deserve to be cared for and loved.”

Interestingly, many people carry some degree of both of these issues. That makes life extra interesting.

But let’s look at the interaction of these two coming from separate persons. Cory and Ella, the parents of three small children, came to see Joyce and me in counseling. Cory had the “I’m not good enough” thing going front and center. The message was clear from his family of origin: “Cory, why can’t you do anything right? You screwed up again!” So, even as a child, he thought, “If only I can do it right, then I’ll get the love and approval I need.” But no matter how hard he tried, and how many “right” things he did, he still didn’t get the approval of his parents. There was always something not right enough for them to criticize.

Ella had the “I have to take care of everyone” syndrome for as long as she could remember. The oldest child in her family, she was expected to take care of her younger siblings. Her parents were both alcoholics and were too busy with their addictions. Ella was the only “grown-up” in the house, even though she was a young child. Like Cory, she tried to earn her parents’ love by her good actions, in this case taking care of the
other children, preparing food, and cleaning the house. Did it work? Of course not! It never does. No matter how much of a “good mother” she was, she didn’t get the love she needed. If children are not loved for who they are, then what they do makes little difference.

So how did Cory and Ella get in trouble in their relationship as adults? Here’s an example. Cory loads the dishwasher and starts it up. Ella finds a dirty dish on one of their counters and blurts out, “Cory, you forgot this dirty dish.” (Remember, she got obsessively good at cleaning as a child to try to win her parents’ love.) Because Cory still carries the message in his soul that he can never do it right, the slightest criticism (or even a critical tone of voice) from Ella causes him to then announce, “Fine. You can load the dishwasher from now on.” This threw Ella back to her own default mode from childhood, having to take care of everyone, which she strongly resented. Not a pretty picture!

And from the other side, Ella is at home taking care of the children all day. She loves doing this, but also looks forward to Cory coming home and helping with them in the evening. At 4pm, Cory calls to say he has to stay late at work because of a crisis. He states, albeit without enough compassion or understanding, that he won’t be home to help with the children. She’s exhausted and irritable, in addition to carrying that old message, “I have to take care of everyone.” She defaults to the feeling, “there’s no one to take care of me,” and blurts out in anger, “Why don’t you just stay at work!” And once again, Cory feels he can never do it right. Couple gridlock again.

Without awareness of these primary core issues, Ella and Cory are doomed to repeated fights. In the couple’s session, Joyce and I helped them clearly see these early life wounds. This alone will minimize their conflict. But it takes more than awareness. It takes being proactive with clear appreciations.

We asked Cory and Ella to face one another. Then we directed Cory, “Can you tell Ella that she is just as important as everyone else in her life?” Cory looked surprised, but quickly softened and spoke, “Of course you’re just as important as anyone else. To me you’re more important than anyone else. And there’s nothing you have to do to prove it. I’m committed to letting you know this every day.” Ella smiled and relaxed a bit. These were the words she most needed to hear.

Next we asked Ella, “Can you tell Cory what he does right and good enough?” Ella spoke, “Oh Cory, I’m so sorry I don’t tell you enough. You love our kids and me completely. You work hard for us. Even when you’re tired, you still play wonderful games with the kids, or find the time to fix everything that’s broken. I know how much 

you need to hear these things. I promise to let you know every day that you’re more than good enough.” We couldn’t help but notice the tear sliding down Cory’s cheek.

Are you more “I’m not good enough” or “I have to take care of everyone?” Or are you both equally? Remember there is a loving divine parent inside you who yearns to free you from this negative thinking. All you need to do is wrap your arms around yourself and speak words of loving affirmation to the child part of you. In this way, you heal and re-parent your hurt child.

If you have a partner, does she or he carry one or both of these issues? Have the courage to address your partner’s inner child with words of love and approval. And have the courage to vulnerably inform your partner about your own core issues. Healing and re-parenting comes from yourself, but it also comes from those you love. Ella and Cory know this truth … and practice it every day! So can you!

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Oct 11-17—Assisi Retreat, Italy.

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

"You Never Need to Defend or Justify Your Feelings"

Someone once gave Barry and me a small yellow button to wear that says, “You never need to defend or justify your feelings.” I love the message on this button and, though I don’t wear it, I keep it in my desk so it is the first thing I see when I open the drawer. This little message has helped me over and over again, and I would add to the message that you also never have to be ashamed of your feelings.

I really feel my feelings. Sometimes I have to admit that I wish I could turn them off, but I can’t. Barry tells me I am very blessed to feel so deeply and he wishes he could feel his feelings more often. Sometimes everyone in a room will be acting as if everything is just perfect, and yet I can feel that something is off or inharmonious. When I state these unpopular feelings, I can be met with criticism. But to remain silent is painful. And when I try to defend or justify my feelings, it just makes things worse, and I feel worse.

Over the years I have learned it is better to speak my feelings and in some cases stand up for them. I have a friend who used to hurt me very deeply by the things she would say. Rather than stand up for my feelings, I would be submissive and try to pretend I was not really hurt. This of course made it all the worse. One day she said something very hurtful to me and I told her I needed to be alone. In my time alone I knew that I needed to apologize to her and yet I kept thinking to myself that she was the one who had said such hurtful words. Finally I realized that I needed to apologize to her for not standing up for my feelings. My feelings are important and to ignore them is to abandon myself, which doesn’t help any of my relationships.

I further gave my friend my commitment to stand up for my feelings. She appreciated this commitment since she had never intended to hurt me. We have had a very great relationship since then. 

Very rarely in our work, a person will sign up for a workshop and it will not feel right for Barry or me. One time it was Barry that felt a certain woman would not be appropriate for a workshop we were doing in our home. Our attendance was very low and I overlooked Barry’s objections and insisted that she and her partner join the workshop. Barry did not stand up for his feelings. It was a nightmare having her in the workshop and eventually we had to ask her to leave, but not until she had upset every single person in the room including her partner. She even upset our children who were hardly even around.

We talked for a long while after that experience and realized we needed to honor if one of us felt someone wasn’t appropriate for a workshop. Well that lasted for ten years and just recently it happened again. This time it was me that felt a certain couple was not right for our couple’s retreat. Barry assured me that he had talked to both of them and felt they would be fine. I still did not feel good about it. I did not stand up for my feelings and their presence in the workshop was a disaster. Again we talked and came back to our original agreement of honoring the other’s feelings even if we disagreed.

The wonderful thing about honoring your feelings is that your capacity to feel love and joy are also deepened. The good times are made all the better by honoring all your feelings.

But what do you do with the sad, insecure, confused and painful feelings? I find that if I ask someone to hold me, it can make a big difference in knowing that I am loved by this person. When no one is around to hold me, I will throw my arms around one of our golden retrievers and talk to them. They look at me with beautiful eyes of compassion and seem to share the experience with me, which helps a lot.  But sometimes I am all alone without even a dog around. What to do then? During these times I do a special practice that I would like to share.

I have learned that I can be a mother to myself. During times of painful sadness, I can call upon this loving mother within me to come and comfort myself. I put my arms around myself and the mother in me “talks” to the painful feelings. I say comforting words and remind myself that my feelings are a gift not just to myself but to others as well. Once I was on the east coast working while my very young children were home with Barry on the west coast. One night as I was going to sleep I felt overcome with homesickness and yearned with all my heart to go home. I was completely alone. I put my hands on my heart and began saying words of comfort and love to myself. In time I felt better and fell into a very peaceful sleep, awaking to a feeling of joy. 

Men have told me it is helpful to call upon the father within them, whether they have had children or not. We all have a loving father or mother within us. Some people have so many painful memories of their parents that they cannot picture a loving father or mother comforting them. For these people it is better to call upon a loving teacher or friend or perhaps an angel. Whatever image you call upon, remember that you are calling upon a higher energy to come and comfort you.

“You never need to defend or justify your feelings.” Our feelings are a gift to us to help us more understand ourselves and the world around us. Our feelings can be a great teacher leading ever more fully into our heart of love.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

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Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.