Those
nine words by Ted Geisel (Dr.Seuss), one of our country’s favorite storytellers,
contain so much wisdom. They apply to many different aspects of life, but I
would like to focus on the area of relationships. Most of us are going to have
relationships end at some point in our lives, whether they are marriages,
partners, friends, relatives or any other type of relationship. People leave,
or die, and it hurts. What to do with the hurt?
There
is a person that has been in contact with Barry and me who had a relationship
end in a hurtful way. This individual is so hurt and does not know how to
handle the pain of this situation. The feeling of rejection seems overwhelming.
The other person has walked away and there is no negotiation. For this person, it
is over and there is no desire for contact.
Dr.
Seuss’s words give great wisdom. Many people are stuck in the feeling that “it
is over.” But the way out of the pain is to remember the good and feel
grateful. The feeling of gratitude will open a door to your heart and allow the
feeling of love to enter. When a person ruminates over all of the details of
the ending, they stay in the pain, and it can even become worse with time. The
best thing to do is to feel gratitude. Write down the things you can appreciate
about having been with this person. Even sending the list to the person (if
still alive) can be very healing. In this way you are transitioning the
relationship in a very conscious and loving way. If the person never responds
to your letter and expression of gratitude, still you have reached out. The
expressed gratitude will free you to go on with your life and even open to a
new relationship or friendship. There is the great saying, “Whenever one door
closes, another door opens.”
One
of my very favorite stories is from Leo Buscaglia, who was my teacher at USC in
1971 when I was 25 years old. I was in his master’s degree course, and most of
my classes were with him. He was beyond wonderful, and taught me many valuable
lessons that I still cherish to this day. My favorite class was an extra, no
credit class called, “LOVE.” Anyone in the university could attend this class.
Perhaps fifty students came each week. Leo taught about love. He was the only professor
teaching about this subject in a university in all of the United States. Those
of us who chose to attend the class absolutely loved it. He was teaching us how
to reach out and really love people in a heartfelt person-to-person way. He had
wonderful ideas and could back it up with great literature. His favorite was
“The Little Prince.” He had us practice appreciating people, seeing beauty in
each other, expressing gratitude, and writing letters to our family with
messages of love. There was such a beautiful energy in the room each time he
gave the class that I felt as though I could just float I felt so high and
happy.
He
was really the first person to acknowledge that my sensitivity was actually a beautiful
thing and that he appreciated that side of me very much. Up until he spoke to
me in that way, I had felt ashamed of my sensitive nature. He had a way of
acknowledging his students and, sometimes like in my case, he saw beauty and strength
where others saw weakness. Those of us in the class were opening so beautifully
under his teachings.
One
day I had an appointment with him at his office in the university. While I
waited for him, I could not help but overhear the voices of three men that had
come to meet with him before me. They spoke in loud harsh voices, and told Leo
that he could not teach his love class any more. They told him it was an
embarrassment to the university, and he had to stop immediately. This was
nonnegotiable. They walked out soon after that pronouncement. I felt so sad for
my beloved teacher. Here he was giving of himself on his free time to teach
this wonderful class, and it was rejected. He must feel so hurt.
I
walked into his office when the secretary told me to go and I tried to think of
how I might cheer him up. Indeed he looked very sad. But his words surprised
me, “I feel so sad for those three men that were just here. I have so much love
to give and they do not want it.” His sadness was not for himself, but for
those university officials. He saw what they were missing by rejecting what he
had to offer.
Shortly
after that, Leo left the university. I do not know if he was asked to leave, or
if he just left. He went on to become one of the most popular speakers in the
United States and other countries, with crowds of over 10,000 people at each
talk that he gave. He gave his love class to the world, and they received it
with great enthusiasm. He wrote five books about love which were on the New
York Times best seller list. .
Whenever
I start to feel rejected by someone, I think of Leo and his words, “I feel so
sad for them, as I have so much love to give.” And also I think of Dr. Seuss’s
advice to all of us, “Remember to smile that it happened.” Acknowledging that
we are beautiful and have much love to give, as well as expressing gratitude,
can bring a person out of the pain of seeming rejection.
Joyce
& Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist
couple since 1964, are
counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's
top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They
are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be
Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A
Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 831-684-2299 or write to the Shared Heart
Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on
counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their
schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org
for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring
past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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