There
is a great need in every human being to be acknowledged and blessed by another
person, especially their parent. People often strive to receive acknowledgment of
who they are. When they do not receive acknowledgment or blessing, they can
feel hopeless or unworthy.
In
the children’s movie, “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” the boy, knowing
that his town was in desperate need of food, creates a way for food to come
from the sky. Everyone is grateful to him including the mayor of the city.
However, the one person that he really wants to acknowledge him is his father. His
father has never been able to communicate his love and acceptance to his son,
so even in the face of the boy saving the city, he still complains that the
food is too big or is falling down too heavy. In the movie you can see the boy
shrivel up when his father cannot even acknowledge him for such a great thing.
Few
people receive the full measure of acknowledgment and blessings from their
parents. They may receive money, praise for good academic achievement, or
athletic ability, but not for the qualities of their soul, such as gentleness,
sensitivity, peace, kindness, and inner reflection. Everyone yearns to be
really seen for who they are.
Barry
and I wrote a story in The Shared Heart
about a time when we were in our twenties and had traveled to Chamonix, France to
attend a summer Sufi camp. In the years leading up to this particular summer we
had received a lot of criticism from others, including family members, about our
closeness. People felt that we loved each other too much and were too
affectionate. These critical people of varying ages felt that we should spend
more time apart focusing on our own careers and growth. The usual comment was,
“Your love for each other is standing in the way of your making anything of
your lives.” We began to hide our closeness from others.
When
we arrived at the camp, there were young people there from all over Europe and
the USA. Once again the negative comments started with one man telling us that
he didn’t even like to look at us because our closeness made him feel so uncomfortable.
We thought that perhaps this was the wrong place for us and were seriously thinking
of leaving. But we decided to stay a few more days to meet the head of the Sufi
order and the director of the camp, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan. We knew nothing
about him. When he walked up the mountain all of the people from the camp ran
down to meet him. Barry and I stayed on the top feeling slightly uncomfortable
at the possibility of yet another criticism of our closeness – this time from
an important teacher.
When
Pir Vilayat came to where we were standing off to the side, he looked at us for
a minute. Then, to our surprise, he walked swiftly over to us, threw his arms
around us, and starting saying the Arabic words, “Ishq Allah Mabud Li’Allah”
(meaning “God is love and God is the beloved”) Then he enthusiastically said,
“You two are one! You should always be together! Never hide your closeness!”
The
whole encounter lasted perhaps only two minutes, but it changed our lives. He
had given us the acknowledgment and blessing we desperately needed. From that
point on, we never again hid how close we were and how much we loved each
other.
Yes,
most of us do not have the stature that Pir Vilayat had as the head of the Sufi
order. But we have our hearts and our love. And our acknowledgement of others
can have a similar positive effect on another person’s life. We can reach out
to our partners, children, friends, parents and strangers and acknowledge them.
We have no idea how far that acknowledgement will go and that it even has the
potential to change a person’s life.
Two
days ago, I went to our local farmer’s market. I saw a farmer carefully placing
his vegetables with great love on the table. He was not throwing them on the
table as others do. He was placing them carefully as if each piece of broccoli
and bunch of carrots were precious in his eyes. I walked over to him and
appreciated how carefully he was working. I told him how grateful I was that he
took so much pride in the food he had grown and how healthy it looked. I bought
a few things and then went on my way.
A
few minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw it was
the farmer. He smiled and said, “Thank you for your kind words. I am having a
very hard time today as my son who lives far away is very sick and is in the
hospital. I want my food to bless others and help to keep them healthy. You are
the only one who noticed how deeply I care about what I grow.” I could see from
the tears in his eyes that my tiny bit of extra time and acknowledgement had
blessed him. Such a simple thing, yet it can be so powerful for another.
When
I was in graduate school, my main professor was Leo Buscaglia. When he had to
give us a test, he would always put stars and hearts after the answers we got
right. Sometimes he got little gold stars and would decorate our test papers
with them. The exam papers looked a little more like first grade papers, but
the stars and acknowledgement made us all work that much harder. We all wanted
to get the stars and appreciation.
We
saw a couple in counseling where the husband had done many loving things for
his wife while she was away on a trip. He watched her dogs, cleaned the house
for her and bought a big bunch of flowers. Rather than commenting on all of the
loving things he had done, she focused her attention on the one thing he had
not done. He was fifteen minutes late to pick her up. It was this one thing
that she complained to us about not even mentioning the other things that he
had done so well. We urged this woman to notice and acknowledge the things her
husband does rather than focusing on what he does not do.
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