Feeling Our Feelings - More Lessons from Leo Buscaglia

Leo Buscaglia loved Joyce. More than being her preceptor in her master’s program at the University of Southern California, he was a spiritual teacher and friend. And through Joyce, I had also felt close to Leo, although most of my time was occupied as a medical student at the same university. 

What We Learned from Leo Buscaglia - Appreciation

Recently we were house-sitting a friend’s lovely home when I noticed that he had an old video of Leo Buscaglia speaking in Chicago. I eagerly put on the video and, as I watched our dear friend, a flood of memories came back. 

The Mother/Daughter Relationship

 November 2003

The mother/daughter relationship is very important. It is often one of the more neglected relationships and yet certainly one of the most significant in a woman's life. Healing your relationship with your mother or daughter will positively affect your entire life.

Lovers from Before

Lovers from Before by Barry and Joyce Vissell

"Lovers do not meet somewhere along the way.
They’re in each other’s hearts from the beginning."
—from a Persian love poem

The relationship between Barry and me seemed to begin before we met at age eighteen. It had been one of the main themes of my childhood play and fantasy: to reunite with my beloved. By the time we met, it felt like we had been in love our whole lives.

I remember as a child being sent to my room when I was crying or upset. Perhaps my parents were trying to understand my feelings, but in my young mind and heart I felt alone. I remember so clearly how, during one of those times, I heard an inner voice speak to me. I had never had this experience before and listened carefully to the message. It told me that when I was grown, I would meet a man who would understand my feelings, that I would recognize him as a tall, dark-haired doctor who would become my best friend. From early childhood, I trusted this message which came to me over and over again whenever I felt that no one understood me.

Making Love a Priority

Barry and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary on December 21, 2003. In all truth I love him so much more than when I was a 22 year old bride. I love him now in the very depths of my being in a way that will only grow and become more meaningful as time passes. Strangers often assume that we are newly married by the way we kiss and hold each other. We can't help it--we are still very enthusiastic about one another.

Equality in Relationships

We as women deserve to be seen, heard, loved and honored in our relationships just as much as men. All too often women are, or appear to be, powerful career women in their place of work and then revert to unequal roles at home, doing all the nurturing of the children, the household chores and allowing their husbands to make many of the decisions without them. Some of the major religious traditions do not allow women to have equality in relationships. Even when women try to deny these cultural or religious influences, they are all around us. How do we bring equality and balance into our relationship? 

It Must Be Love

It's not every day that you write a story that ends up as a CBS World Premiere Sunday night movie earning the highest ratings of the evening. When Joyce and I wrote “Rediscovered Love” for our book, Meant To Be , we based it on a true story. Using editorial license, we added some elements that, in our experience, deepened and completed the story. 

Our Parent's Blessing

There is an ancient saying in the Hindu tradition that unless we receive the blessing of our parents, we cannot progress on our spiritual path. This saying may conjure images of an elderly parent dressed in long flowing robes laying their hand upon their child and blessing their journey. Few of us will ever receive this type of blessing, yet there is much wisdom in that saying that applies to us today. 

Can You Change a Loved One?

There is a well known joke, “How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is none, the light bulb must first want to change.” 

With people, it is not so simple. Yes, in some ways, the person must also want to change. Yet it is also possible to change a person in profound ways. How is this done? There are two fundamental ways. 

Don't Wait Until It's Too Late

Recently I saw a young couple in counseling. I knew them well for they have come to see me once a year over the past six years. They have three small children and want the marriage to work. They have several important unresolved issues, which we begin to work on in a session, but then I don't see them for a full year or more. Each time I see them the issues have grown in magnitude to the point that their relationship is in serious risk of dissolving. I asked them why they don't come more often than once a year. They replied that they feel they can't afford to come more often. I saw them both drive up separately in relatively new cars, and they recently bought a home, so I know they aren't poor. In a gentle but firm voice I told them that a divorce lawyer is going to cost them 3 to 4 times the hourly rate that I charge, at many more hours. Unless they do the work to resolve these issues they are headed in that direction. They got the point and have been seeing me on a regular basis and finally doing the work to resolve their issues. 

Pay It Forward

Driving home from a workshop in Los Angeles , Barry and I listened to the book, Pay It Forward , on audiotape. By the time we arrived home late on a Sunday night we were almost finished with the tapes. Our golden retriever dogs, the official welcoming committee at our house, came bounding out to greet us, yet we couldn't get out of the car we were so captivated by the ending. By the time we opened the car door to greet our dogs, we felt inspired and motivated. Listening to the tape we laughed, cried and felt strengthened in our desire to make a difference in the world. 

Two Steps Behind Anger

Jocelyn was fuming. Seth had promised to come home at 6pm and it was now 7:30pm. He hadn't called her and his cell phone only responded with a message. And it was their fourth anniversary. 

Cole was frustrated and angry. He and Amber had planned to meet some new friends at 7pm at a restaurant 20 minutes from their house. It was now 7pm and Amber was not finished dressing. 

Lily's mother wanted her to come home for the holidays. On the phone, she was going on and on about how Lily wasn't being a good daughter. Lily exploded and starting yelling at her mother. 

The Other Side of Rejection

Have you ever failed to speak your deepest truth because of your fear of rejection? Has your heart ever called you to do something, but you failed to do it because you didn't want to take the risk of being rejected? Whenever I feel the fear of rejection I think of my early professor Leo Buscaglia.

Married to Your Job?

One Friday morning, we received a phone call on our answering machine from a woman who was signed up to come that evening, with her partner, to our Winter Couples Retreat. She apologized that she was canceling, described their current stressful self-employment deadlines, understood she would be losing $225 in nonrefundable deposits, and then added with an audible sigh, “I guess we're married to our job right now.” The sad quality in her voice particularly struck me so much that I shared it with the group of couples that evening, congratulating them for taking time out from their busy lives to give a whole weekend to renewing their relationships.