"Poggio Bustone: Knowing We are Forgiven"

Joyce and I are trudging up a very steep rocky trail near the top of a mountain high above the Rieti Valley in central Italy. We left our friend Evelyn down at the end of the road at the monastery of Poggio Bustone. The drive up the winding mountain road with sheer cliff drop-offs was plenty enough adventure for her. It’s only 900 or so more feet of elevation gain to the top of the mountain, where lay a more primitive monastery. Right! Only 900 feet! Practically straight up the mountain…

About 800 years ago, Saint Francis also climbed this mountain. Only he did it barefoot and without a trail! It was a time in his life when he realized he could not go on without feeling God’s complete forgiveness. You see, his early life was filled with riotous living, drinking, partying, orgies and, even worse, fighting in battles against neighboring towns. Although there are no direct references, I am convinced that he must have experienced violence, even killing or wounding other men.

In his early twenties, he began to turn his life over to God, but he had to know he was forgiven for the unconscious actions of his former years. So he climbed this mountain, found a cave near the top, and sequestered himself away from the world to seek complete forgiveness. He was determined not to leave that cave until he knew for certain that he was forgiven. We don’t know exactly how long he meditated and prayed on that mountain, but we do know that he finally received a clear message from God: he was completely forgiven. Thus began a new phase in Francis’ life. He no longer had to carry the heavy burden of his past transgressions.

Like most things and places of Saint Francis, the original cave has been transformed into a small chapel. It’s just too high and steep to be made into a “proper” cathedral. Yet it still retains a certain rustic simplicity and sacred feeling as a place of pilgrimage for the few hardy souls willing to make the trek.

And, like Saint Francis, Joyce and I, a few years ago, were also climbing the mountain to seek forgiveness. We have often spoken about the unconscious actions of our younger years. I have always considered Joyce’s misdeeds as “lightweight.” Like once she stole a piece of fruit from a neighbor’s tree, and her parents marched her down the street to apologize. We both, on the other hand, have considered many of my teenage acting out to be a bit more major, and some could have been punishable by prison time. I have stolen things, unfortunately a lot of things. I have been mean. I have engineered some “pranks” that have ended up nearly scaring people to death. I could go on, but perhaps you get the picture.

Tired from the climb, we arrived at the simple stone addition to the original cave. We opened the rough-hewn wooden door and entered the cool interior. We were alone. It would have been completely dark except for a shaft of light coming in from a tiny window up high on a wall. We found a place to sit in front of a crude altar, and began to ask for forgiveness.

Bottom line, both Joyce and I expected me to be sitting in the primitive chapel for a long time. Perhaps Joyce would feel forgiveness, and then she could do some sightseeing or sunbathing outside while she waited for me to finish my big ordeal.

But that’s not what happened! Instead, I closed my eyes, preparing to list off my offenses. Within minutes, I felt complete forgiveness for all my actions! My first thought was, “Wait. This was too easy! I haven’t worked and sweated hard enough to earn complete forgiveness. I haven’t even gone through the whole list.” But I still felt an almost overwhelming sense of God’s unconditional forgiveness. I felt light as a feather with the divine assurance that nothing I have ever done could keep me from my worthiness for divine love.

There is a famous line from the Course in Miracles, “God does not forgive because He (She) never has condemned.” I have been the only one condemning myself. The Divine Presence is forgiveness. Forgiveness can never be earned. It is freely given at all times.

So many of us, as children, have been misled into thinking we needed to earn our parents’ love and forgiveness. If only I was better behaved, or did things right, or apologized more, then I’d prove my worthiness to mom and dad. We then make God into a higher version of our parents. But this is futile. The Great Spirit loves us no matter what we’ve done. God sees all our actions, in the great experiment of free will, as a holy learning and growing process.

Joyce was, needless to say, surprised to see me stand up and leave the chapel after only a few minutes. Her first thought was, “Oh dear. The task is just too hard for Barry. He had to give up.” Outside, when she heard my experience of spontaneous forgiveness, she smiled and embraced me in one of her wonderful hugs.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Oct 11-17—Assisi Retreat, Italy; Feb 2-12, 2017—Hawaii Couples Retreat; Jul 16-21, 2017—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR.

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

"Are You More Important Than Your Cell Phone?"

Cell Phones play a very important part in our lives right now. Who knows what ten years will bring, but for now they are almost like an attachment to the person who owns them. Recently I was going to our local gym to swim. I decided to just wait in my car and rest for a bit before walking in. I was parked so that I could see the people entering and leaving. Every single young person under the age of forty walked in while texting. Others a bit older walked in talking on their phone. And one remarkably brave soul just walked in with no cell phone in hand.

Last week we returned from Italy via Washington DC. At the very long line of passport clearance almost every single person, myself included, were on their cell phones. People buy expensive cases to protect their phones. And what happens if a phone announces that its battery is now at 10%? Most people act immediately. No one wants their cell phone to run out of power. A plan is quickly put in place to recharge the battery, no matter how inconvenient.

But what about us? Are we not more important than our cell phones? Our “batteries” run low as well. Few people are as urgent to charge their own batteries as they are to charge up their cell phone. We push and push ourselves to keep going and we don’t pay attention to our own battery or need to be recharged. We know one woman who had no idea how depleted her batteries were. She left for work one morning, collapsed in her front yard and was rushed to the emergency room. Her diagnosis: exhaustion!

Our own wellbeing is vastly more important than our cell phone. When our cell phones are dangerously low and we finally can plug them into electricity, there is such a good feeling from knowing that we are taking care of our cell phone and giving it what it needs. We deserve so much more!

Our need to recharge and connect to our power is so important. Some people try to ignore the need to be recharged through addictions. This can numb the need for recharging, but it will never recharge us. Many people watch TV. Even your favorite show can be entertaining, but it cannot recharge you. Recharging comes from a true connection to your source of power. Imagine trying to charge your cell phone by showing it your favorite TV show, giving it a beer, or taking it on a long shopping spree. It’s a silly image and obviously it doesn’t work. The same is true of us. Just as our cell phones need their real connection to electricity, so do we need a real connection to recharge.

So how do we recharge? Whatever it takes to connect with Source, God, Divine Love, The Infinite Being, whatever words you use to refer to the higher power, will bring a sense of recharging. These are my favorite ways of connecting. I like to sit outside and look at my garden. While looking at it I like to feel all of the things I am grateful for. The act of gratitude brings an opening of my heart. I also like to work in my garden. Just even a small amount of gardening can help to connect me with the earth. I like to lie down on the grass without a blanket under me so that I can have direct contact with the earth. Even lying there for half an hour is like a giant connection back to my source. I like walking our dog Rosie in the woods. I love being alone with Barry and using the time in a quiet way of connecting and feeling our love for one another. I like to pray either alone or with Barry and feel the closeness of our Creator and feel that I am loved and being protected. Feeling the spiritual power around me is the most important way that I recharge.

Some people like to go to a retreat or special place. It can be important to retreat from the noise of the world and just be with ourselves. Some people get recharged by being creative, writing songs, creating art pieces, singing, or cooking an amazing meal. Some parents find that if they dedicate a longer than usual period of time to just playing with their child, joining their child in their level of play and wonderment of the world, without the use of distracting cell phones, they will feel recharged afterwards . Besides being alone with me, Barry’s favorite way of recharging is to go off into nature and be alone. If it can’t be for days at a time, then even a few hours will do wonders for him.

Sometimes life is very busy and we do not have the time to plug into our source of power for a long time. I would like to offer a simple practice that has helped me over the years wherever I go. Sit quietly if you can. However, this can be done standing up even in a long line. Close your eyes (obviously this will not work while driving). Take in a deep breath and imagine that there is a light coming from your true source of power. Breathe in this light through the top of your head and feel as if it is coming down into your heart. Then as you breathe out imagine there is love coming from your heart out into the world or into whatever situation you find yourselves. I have used this in busy airports, grocery lines and sitting quietly in my garden and each time I feel a sense of being connected and recharged.

Let’s strive to keep the battery of our own life operating at a very high level. Tell yourself, “I am more important than my cell phone and I deserve to be recharged and to be filled by the true source of my being.”

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Oct 11-17—Assisi Retreat, Italy; Feb 5-12, 2017 - Hawaii Couples Retreat; July 16-21, 2017 - Shared Heart Summer Retreat.

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

"When 'I'm not Good Enough' Meets 'I Have to Take Care of Everyone.'"

These two core issues (or negative messages from childhood) often meet and interact with one another, sometimes in disastrous ways. Usually the carriers of these issues are more or less unaware of them.

“I’m not good enough” (often, but not always, a man) thinks “I can never get it right, I’ll never measure up, and therefore I simply don’t deserve love.”

“I have to take care of everyone” (often, but not always, a woman) thinks “My job in life is to make everyone else happy, there is no one who can or will take care of me, and therefore I similarly don’t deserve to be cared for and loved.”

Interestingly, many people carry some degree of both of these issues. That makes life extra interesting.

But let’s look at the interaction of these two coming from separate persons. Cory and Ella, the parents of three small children, came to see Joyce and me in counseling. Cory had the “I’m not good enough” thing going front and center. The message was clear from his family of origin: “Cory, why can’t you do anything right? You screwed up again!” So, even as a child, he thought, “If only I can do it right, then I’ll get the love and approval I need.” But no matter how hard he tried, and how many “right” things he did, he still didn’t get the approval of his parents. There was always something not right enough for them to criticize.

Ella had the “I have to take care of everyone” syndrome for as long as she could remember. The oldest child in her family, she was expected to take care of her younger siblings. Her parents were both alcoholics and were too busy with their addictions. Ella was the only “grown-up” in the house, even though she was a young child. Like Cory, she tried to earn her parents’ love by her good actions, in this case taking care of the
other children, preparing food, and cleaning the house. Did it work? Of course not! It never does. No matter how much of a “good mother” she was, she didn’t get the love she needed. If children are not loved for who they are, then what they do makes little difference.

So how did Cory and Ella get in trouble in their relationship as adults? Here’s an example. Cory loads the dishwasher and starts it up. Ella finds a dirty dish on one of their counters and blurts out, “Cory, you forgot this dirty dish.” (Remember, she got obsessively good at cleaning as a child to try to win her parents’ love.) Because Cory still carries the message in his soul that he can never do it right, the slightest criticism (or even a critical tone of voice) from Ella causes him to then announce, “Fine. You can load the dishwasher from now on.” This threw Ella back to her own default mode from childhood, having to take care of everyone, which she strongly resented. Not a pretty picture!

And from the other side, Ella is at home taking care of the children all day. She loves doing this, but also looks forward to Cory coming home and helping with them in the evening. At 4pm, Cory calls to say he has to stay late at work because of a crisis. He states, albeit without enough compassion or understanding, that he won’t be home to help with the children. She’s exhausted and irritable, in addition to carrying that old message, “I have to take care of everyone.” She defaults to the feeling, “there’s no one to take care of me,” and blurts out in anger, “Why don’t you just stay at work!” And once again, Cory feels he can never do it right. Couple gridlock again.

Without awareness of these primary core issues, Ella and Cory are doomed to repeated fights. In the couple’s session, Joyce and I helped them clearly see these early life wounds. This alone will minimize their conflict. But it takes more than awareness. It takes being proactive with clear appreciations.

We asked Cory and Ella to face one another. Then we directed Cory, “Can you tell Ella that she is just as important as everyone else in her life?” Cory looked surprised, but quickly softened and spoke, “Of course you’re just as important as anyone else. To me you’re more important than anyone else. And there’s nothing you have to do to prove it. I’m committed to letting you know this every day.” Ella smiled and relaxed a bit. These were the words she most needed to hear.

Next we asked Ella, “Can you tell Cory what he does right and good enough?” Ella spoke, “Oh Cory, I’m so sorry I don’t tell you enough. You love our kids and me completely. You work hard for us. Even when you’re tired, you still play wonderful games with the kids, or find the time to fix everything that’s broken. I know how much 

you need to hear these things. I promise to let you know every day that you’re more than good enough.” We couldn’t help but notice the tear sliding down Cory’s cheek.

Are you more “I’m not good enough” or “I have to take care of everyone?” Or are you both equally? Remember there is a loving divine parent inside you who yearns to free you from this negative thinking. All you need to do is wrap your arms around yourself and speak words of loving affirmation to the child part of you. In this way, you heal and re-parent your hurt child.

If you have a partner, does she or he carry one or both of these issues? Have the courage to address your partner’s inner child with words of love and approval. And have the courage to vulnerably inform your partner about your own core issues. Healing and re-parenting comes from yourself, but it also comes from those you love. Ella and Cory know this truth … and practice it every day! So can you!

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Oct 11-17—Assisi Retreat, Italy.

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.