Are We Enabling Our Children?

Years ago, Joyce and I saw a couple who were financially supporting their 31 year old daughter. They were paying for her rent, her college tuition (although she was only taking one class at a time), her insurance premiums, and still she just couldn't get by, so there were frequent calls for more money, which this couple would immediately send. They understood they were enabling their daughter, but they felt they would be heartless to cut off this financial support. And, to complicate matters further, their daughter blamed them for her problems, adding guilt to the mix. 

Sensual Moments

Joseph and Samantha took our advice. No matter how busy they felt they were, every Saturday starting at 5pm was their date night. Both self-employed, they previously had trouble setting limits on their work schedule. They would typically plan a special time together, only to let some unplanned deadline swallow it up. Ever since their commitment to their weekly date, their relationship took an upswing. Sometimes they went out to dinner, sometimes a show, sometimes dancing, sometimes just a long walk. Almost always, a special part of their date was coming back home to make love. 

Death and Dying Can Be a Great Adventure

I chose to write A Mother's Final Gift  because of my mother's amazing attitude to death. She truly felt that her dying process would be her greatest adventure in this life. Yes she had pain and other inconveniences like being helpless to care for herself, and yet she did not let this interfere with her belief that dying could be a beautiful experience. While our family of 5 (my husband Barry and our three children) cared for her on a daily basis and especially the last two weeks of her life she was able to give to us a peek into eternity and the place where she was going.  Rather than these two weeks being a dark and gloomy time, she made it inspiring for all of us. We will never be the same again.

Discover the experience at SharedHeart.org

Lasting Love

We recently led a couple's retreat at Rowe Conference Center in Massachusetts. One of the couples there, Anne and Harry, from Maine, had been married 41 years and were absolutely adorable together. They kept referring to each other with so much tenderness that the rest of us just had to smile. There were many wonderful things that happened during that retreat, and one of the most outstanding was witnessing two people so devoted to one another after so many years of marriage. At the end of the retreat they shared with the group that they appreciated being honored as elders. 

Who Is More Spiritual?

At a recent couple's retreat a man started talking about how much further ahead his wife was: “She reads a lot of self-help books, goes to workshops, meditates, and does yoga. I only provide for the family and in my free time spend as much time with our family as I possibly can.” As he spoke he placed his one hand higher than the other and sadly said, “She is up here and I am down here, and I don't think I can ever catch up with her.” Barry and I looked over at his wife who also sadly agreed with all that he said. This perception, we knew, was going to keep them from feeling totally connected. And yet looking at this couple we couldn't help but notice the equality of love in both of them. I found myself telling them a story about myself that happened twenty five years ago. ……

Accepting Your Inner Monster

We often have Charley Thweatt sing the following song before we work on self-acceptance at our workshops. The words are right to the point, starting with the question, “Freedom, how can it be?,” followed by the answer, “Accepting all the parts of me.”

The Art of Rest

How few of us take time to just rest, sit quietly and reflect upon our gratefulness and allow peace to enter our lives. We try to cram as much as we can into each day. The modern word is all about multitasking, and people take great pride in this skill. I once drove next to a man in our crowded early morning rush hour traffic. His cell phone headset was on his head and he talked the entire time he was driving. This in itself is not that unusual. It was unusual that he also shaved, put on shaving lotion, brushed his hair, put on his tie (while the traffic was momentarily stopped) and also ate his breakfast, drank his coffee and was studying a map the whole time. It seems the more we can get done in the quickest amount of time the better.

Choosing a Good Therapist

A truly good psychotherapist or counselor can be an important help and ally in this wonderful and often confusing path of life. There have been times in my 41-year relationship with Joyce when we have been unable to move past a obstacle by ourselves, and the help of a good therapist has been invaluable. If you can't work something through in your own relationship, get help before you cause serious damage to the trust between you.

Gifts Behind the Pain

In every relationship there is a gift to be found that will strengthen and bless our lives. Sometimes these gifts come in sweet, delightful ways and sometimes they come through pain. The important thing is not to be attached to how the gift comes to you, but to pay attention to the possibility of discovering the gift.

It Takes Two

It takes two to tango. It takes two to share your heart. It also takes two when there are problems in a relationship.

Cinda and Galen had only been together two years but were deeply in trouble. Cinda had just had sex with another man, and was feeling burdened with shame and guilt. Galen felt humiliated and angry, and blamed Cinda for destroying their relationship.

A Mother’s Final Gift - Book Excerpt

[We are excerpting one last time from our new book, A Mother’s Final Gift:  How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family] My mother died three years ago, and her death and dying process has changed my life. I’ve never been afraid of death itself. Rather, I’ve been afraid of the process it takes to get there. My mother’s dying process played out my worst nightmare. She became incontinent, and had to have her granddaughters, daughter and son-in-law change her diapers. In the last weeks, she was totally dependent on other people for everything. She was not able to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, or even change to a more comfortable position in bed. Plus, she was at times in significant pain.

You Can't Run Away

There is no way to avoid pain in our lives. Pain does not come as a punishment, but rather as an opportunity for growth. When we can learn from the pain and receive it's gift, then we are free to go on. There is no such thing as successfully running away from pain. Sooner or later the feelings catch up with us.

Is Your Picker Broken?

At a community event, a woman recognized and approached Joyce and me. She said, part joking and part serious, “I need your help. My ‘picker' is broken.” Noticing the confused looks on our faces, she continued, “Every man I pick for a relationship turns out to be wrong. I've finally realized I have a broken picker. Can you help me fix it?”