Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Hand Upon My Head

I would like to share a true miracle story. It happened to me last July at the end of a five-day retreat in Oregon.

Barry and I have been writing an article a month on the amazing process of relationship, the inner relationship with ourselves and the outer relationship with others, for over 27 years. This is something we truly love doing and hope to continue for another 27 years. I believe we will never run out of material because the area of relationship is so vast. We love to study all relationships and have been so blessed to make this our life’s work.

As much as I love to hear about someone’s outer relationship, I am even more excited to hear about their inner relationship. I truly believe we are loved and cared for while we walk this planet, and that we are filled with a deepening sense of joy and peace when we more fully realize how loved we really are. One of my favorite things to do is to imagine a divine hand upon my head blessing me in my life and letting me know that I am cared for and loved. I do this especially when I feel insecure or stressed. Once while in the emergency room with a badly broken leg and ankle, I closed my eyes and blocked out the flurry of other patients and medical staff and just imagined this other-worldly hand upon my head reminding me that everything would work out alright. Another time, right before I was to speak at my mother’s memorial service, I also imagined this hand upon my head helping to calm my emotions and nervousness. When I remember to do this, I find that it works every time to help bring peace to my sometimes troubled soul.

Since this practice has brought so much peace to my heart we also try and give this experience to others. Usually toward the end of every one of our workshops Barry and I have people close their eyes in a silent prayer. We then use this opportunity to go around to each person and place our hands on their head to bless them and say a prayer for them. If it is a small group we go together. For a larger group we split up and each take half of the group. Blessing each person with our hands and saying a prayer for them is very important to both of us.

Last summer we were leading our annual “Summer Renewal” retreat for singles, couples and families at Breitenbush Hot Springs in Oregon. During the last morning’s meditation we asked everyone to sit with their eyes closed and offer a silent prayer. As is our custom we went around and placed our hands on each person’s head and said a prayer for them. This was a large group, so Barry and I split the room in half. Our friend Charley Thweatt was playing his guitar and singing one of his beautiful meditation songs. I finished before Barry and went to sit next to Charley while he continued to sing and play his guitar.

Across the room, Barry was still tenderly placing his hands on someone’s head and saying a prayer. I closed my eyes and as I did so I distinctly felt a physical hand upon my head and felt that I was being blessed in prayer. It was the most wonderful experience and lasted perhaps five seconds. When the hand lifted off my head, I opened my eyes wondering how Barry could have possibly come to me so quickly. To my amazement, he was still far away standing over the same person. It was clearly not Barry who touched me.

When Charley finished singing I asked him if he had touched me on the top of my head. He looked at me like I was asking the impossible. “How could I have put my hand on your head while I was playing my guitar?”

“Did you see anyone Charley?” He raised one eyebrow and answered, “No, there was no one there. What are you talking about?”

I sat for a moment in awe. I was physically touched on my head in the most loving way by an unseen presence. For perhaps 30 years I have been imagining a hand upon my head and for the first time I actually felt a physical presence touching me. My immediate thought was, “It is real!! We really truly are loved and watched over! This is not just something of our imagination.” This has been such a deep reminder to me that we are so loved and cared for. We may not see this love or even be aware of its presence, but we are loved nevertheless.

When you have an opportunity to sit quietly and undisturbed for a few minutes close your eyes and imagine a hand upon your head. Imagine that this hand is touching you with a tenderness and unconditional love, like the most loving mother or father you could ever imagine. Then imagine that this presence of love is also whispering in your ears telling you how precious you are. This loving presence does not dwell on our weakness and mistakes, but sees the beauty that is within us. This presence of love has been with us from the beginning and will be with us always. If we can even realize only a small fraction of this great love for us, then indeed our lives will be blessed as will all of our relationships.



Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.

Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Real Meaning of Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Humpty Dumpty was an egg! A symbol of fertility, creation … but also fragility. The egg holds the potential for the complete life process. The entire DNA is there. The egg is also a symbol of the earth, which is not round but slightly egg-shaped.

Humpty was sitting on a wall, maybe just enjoying the view from up there. But there is always a deeper meaning to things. A wall separates two areas, but it can also separate two courses of action. And sitting on a wall can be like sitting on a “fence,” the symbol of indecision. So here is an egg, representing infinite possibility, not making a choice to live its destiny. Could this be like so many of us, too afraid to really commit to a path of action, to a relationship, or to find our true purpose here on earth – and then live it.

And why have I come to this conclusion about the wall? Because of the next line in the verse: “Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.” Sitting on the wall of indecision, giving in to our fears, stops our growth as human and spiritual beings. It wasn’t just a “great fall.” It was a “GREAT FALL!” This is the fall from grace, the descent into darkness.

It’s not all bad though. We actually need to fall. It’s our destiny to descend into the depths of our humanity, to penetrate and experience the darkest places of our being. We cannot grow without experiencing all our feelings, including joy and pain, love and fear, peace and anger. Falling is built into our destiny the same way it is built into Humpty’s last name, “Dumpty.”

And yes, our shell must be broken into a thousand pieces. Our egos must be shattered if there is any hope of entering the light of spirituality. Our defenses must crumble and be rendered useless if we are to open to our true natures, our higher selves.

Unlike an ordinary egg, though, which needs its shell for its integrity and without it spills in every direction, the shell of ego keeps us in prison, locked up in a cell of our own limited thinking. Our hard shell must break to reveal the soft inner membrane that can still hold everything together, but in a flexible rather than rigid way. It is this container of our innate wisdom and guidance that shapes our true destiny, not the hard inflexible shell of our ego.

Ah, and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again. Not only men with human cleverness, but horses with brute power, all failed to reconstruct the now useless and outmoded shell. When we open to the light of spirit, worldliness loses its grip on us. Riches and power cease to become paramount.

And why did the king himself take such a personal interest in Humpty, a mere egg? Remember, Humpty is also a symbol of the earth and all that is ruled by the king. The king represents the head of humanity, not the heart; the intellectual rather than the spiritual leader. It is the king – not the priest, rabbi or shaman – who finds it so important to restore the shell of order. The true spiritual leaders are happy with the new Humpty. No longer on the wall of indecision – great! No longer ruled by ego – fabulous! No more calcified beliefs – hurray!

Find yourself on the wall of indecision? Too afraid to take the risks necessary to live your true purpose? You have probably already fallen and know the pain of your shattered pride. Perhaps you have even touched upon the light of grace underneath the darkness of your shadow self.

Don’t, whatever you do, try to put yourself together again. Don’t try to piece together the barrier to your inner truth and beauty. It will only put you back on the wall. Instead, celebrate the spiritual journey, revel in the kingdom of the heart, not the mind.

The king has failed to put Humpty together again. He’s failed to restore rigidity and order. Humpty Dumpty is now becoming a true spiritual leader!



Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.

Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Who Are You With … Really?

Thirty three years ago I had an experience that powerfully changed the way I perceive and love my husband Barry. I have shared this experience only with Barry and a few friends. Today I want to share this gem of a story in the hopes that perhaps it can change the way you perceive your loved ones.

Three years into our marriage, in 1972, we had a very difficult and challenging time. We separated for a while and it didn’t look like our marriage could survive, even though we tried to heal the major issue. We realized that in order to truly heal we needed to bring spirituality into our marriage. This had been a major issue in our getting married because Barry was raised in a Jewish family and I was raised in a Christian family. We knew that it wasn’t going to work for me to start going to the temple or for Barry to start going to church with me. We realized that we needed to embark on a journey of studying the world’s major religions and different spiritual paths. By the time this story takes place, six years later, we had not picked a particular religion, but instead were attracted to the Great Presence of Love that resides within all religions and paths.

I had given birth to our first child six months previous. I lived a very quiet life of caring for our daughter Rami in the isolation and quiet of the woods and ridge top that we lived on. I have always been a very sensitive person, and my sensitivity was perhaps doubled at this time in my life of living such an inward life. Barry supported us by traveling over an hour away to a Kaiser Hospital to work as a doctor in a general medical clinic. He worked two 13 hour shifts a week, seeing at minimum 4 patients an hour.

On this particular evening that Barry was working as an MD, I was listening to devotional songs about Jesus while nursing our baby. From the time I have been a child I have always felt a special connection to Jesus, not so much in a religious way, but in a personal way that He was my best friend and would help and guide me in all aspects of my life. My devotion and love for Jesus grew so strong that evening that I felt I could not bear to live another day without seeing him. I had heard about people who had visions of Jesus and I wanted to be one of them. That night after I put Rami to sleep I prayed very deeply that I could see Jesus in person, perhaps in a vision or even my dreams.

Barry usually returned home from work very late at night. Because I was in such a sensitive period in my life, I needed him to transition out of doctor mode before coming into bed with me, otherwise I could feel all of the patients he had worked with and it would wake me up and not allow me to go back to sleep. I then got up very early with Rami while he slept. Barry would take a shower, meditate for a while and then slip very quietly into bed not waking me up. This had been our routine for several months.

Barry, meanwhile, was driving home from work in our 1970 blue VW “hippy van,” complete with tie dyed curtains. He kept the glove compartment packed with his favorite cassette tapes, like Creedence Clearwater, Santana, Neil Young, The Beatles, The Doors, etc – lively music that helped to keep him awake. I had one cassette in the glove compartment which was Handel’s Messiah. Barry never listened to that tape, unless I was in the car as well and really wanted to. Late at night, that particular tape was guaranteed to put him to sleep at the wheel.

Driving out of Kaiser Hospital’s parking lot, Barry reached into the glove box in the dark van and picked out – you guessed it – Handel’s Messiah. Rather than putting him to sleep, on this particular night the music energized and nurtured him. When he arrived home, he knew in his heart that he must immediately come into the room where I was sleeping, rather than taking a shower and meditating first. He leaned over me and just gazed down at me. I opened my eyes and in that instant I felt that God was answering my prayer to have a vision of Jesus. Yes, Barry had all kinds of hospital smells and patient energies around him, and yet when I gazed into his eyes, it was the love of Jesus that I saw and felt. As I looked up into his loving eyes, I knew that Jesus was giving me the message that a powerful way to love Him was to love my husband and see and feel His Presence in Barry. For those of you with a different spiritual orientation, you have the opportunity to see pure light, angels, or other spiritual teachers shining through your loved one’s face.

This message has had a powerful impact on my relationship with Barry. No, I do not always see him as a divine being. I am far from perfect in this. But when I can see him from my heart, he is that divine being looking at me tenderly with love. Expressing my love and devotion to Barry is a way of expressing my love and devotion to God. I can still see him looking down at me 33 years ago, fulfilling my prayer for a vision.



Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964 whose medicine is now love, are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be.

Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at sharedheart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Selfish Unconditional Love: The Dance of Fairness

Joyce and I have a real thing about fairness. It’s very humbling to admit this – sometimes embarrassingly so. I remember when our three children were young and we would have dairyless ice cream for dessert. It was my job to dish it out into five bowls. The catch? Joyce and the children got to pick theirs out first, and the last one remaining would be mine. There might have been some history about me occasionally taking too much for myself. I admit the possibility. So, giving these conditions, was I compulsive about exactly measuring the amount of ice cream in each bowl, in case I ended up with the smallest one? You bet I was!

Then there’s exercise. Joyce and I love walking our dogs on the multitude of trails around our house (mostly built by me). Our preference is to go with each other, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that we can walk together at the same time. It feels fair for each of us to take the same amount of time. Even being outside, particularly on a sunny day, doesn’t feel fair if the other one needs to be indoors, counseling for example. We take turns writing these monthly columns. It wouldn’t feel fair for one of us to write two consecutive months. Recently, we were invited to be guest speakers at a local church. We were informed we had fifteen minutes to speak. Joyce spoke first, and kidded with the congregation that she would be speaking for exactly seven and a half minutes. And she did!

Yes, you’re right, this might come across as petty, the opposite of spiritual generosity. Sometimes we do feel a bit like two little children, making sure the other one doesn’t get more than me. And certainly it seems to have its origins back in our childhoods with our siblings. I have clear memories of demanding fairness, especially with my younger brother. It was completely unacceptable for him to get more of my favorite foods, desserts, toys, or attention. Joyce was the same with her older brother. This is normal sibling rivalry.

But is this insistence on fairness healthy as adults in an intimate relationship? It can be, especially if it is done with honoring and humor. If I’m heading off for an afternoon of counseling, and Joyce has no one scheduled, she might teasingly ask, “Barry, it’s such a glorious sunny day. You don’t mind if I garden this afternoon?” Then we both laugh. I know she’s just teasing me. She understands my leading a group requires intense focus and energy, and she honors me by sharing that focus and working in the office. I do the same for her when she is the only one scheduled with sessions.

Is insistence on fairness an aspect of conditional loving? Yes, of course. Unconditional loving, on the other hand, involves complete generosity, without any concern about fairness. Do Joyce and I strive toward unconditional loving? Absolutely! Are we there yet? No. Are we trying to have compassion for the little boy and girl inside us that still acts out with sibling rivalry? I believe that’s part of the path of spiritual growth, which includes accepting all the parts of ourselves, the human as well as the spiritual.

We know too many couples who don’t demand fairness, who seem to endure unfair conditions in their partnership. There’s the man who works long hours at a stressful job and comes home exhausted and hungry to find his wife on the couch watching TV, without even a thought about dinner. Rather than say anything, he grabs a box of snack crackers, sits down at the table, and starts munching. Or how about the young mother, stuck at home with two small children, who doesn’t say anything when her husband comes home late from work and immediately goes out with his friends to the local pub. She really needs him to be with her, the children, or both, but she doesn’t address the blatant unfairness.

Perhaps underlying both these situations is a partner who doesn’t know what he or she deserves, and is therefore unable or unwilling to speak up about unfair conditions. Demanding fairness is in fact a way to stand up to your partner. It is the same as a union demanding fair working conditions for employees, or a race of people speaking up about discrimination. Unfairness in a relationship means one person has the power, and the other remains passive and powerless. It also means neither partner is happy. How can you be happy if you have power over another? A bully is never truly happy or at peace. How can you be happy if you accept unfairness and don’t stand up for yourself? Resentment builds and erodes your love.

There are many ways Joyce and I rise above personal fairness and touch upon unconditional love. We each receive the greatest joy by giving love to each other. When we appreciate one another, we don’t keep score. Hmmm. Today I said twelve nice things to Barry and he only gave me nine appreciations. We don’t do that. When we make love, I feel the greatest joy and receive the most pleasure by giving to Joyce. Is this unselfish? Not really. If I focus my energy on making Joyce happy, I feel the happiest. Perhaps I can call it “selfish unconditional love.” You just can’t give love without receiving huge benefits. So, in this sense, giving love may be the highest fairness, because you always receive just as much as you give.

It is really the human part of us that is concerned about fairness. The word fairness doesn’t even exist in the spiritual part of our being. Is it possible to accept the two parts of ourselves, the human and the spiritual? Can we accept our inner child who sometimes intensely feels sibling rivalry with the inner child of our lover? And at the same time, can we give our full heart’s love, just for the sheer joy of giving? If we can do both, we can learn the dance of fairness.



Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

When Disappointment Strikes: How to Comfort a Loved One

Disappointment is part of life. We never know when this feeling is going to hit us. Disappointments come in many forms and varying degrees of pain: missing the state championship game by one point, being passed up for a promotion and finding it is going to a less qualified and newer employee, finding out that your child is on drugs, getting bad news after a medical exam, finding out someone you love has a terminal disease, or having your partner leave the relationship. The list of possibilities could fill many pages. How do we deal with this sometimes devastating news? How do we support our partner or loved one when they receive this type of news? Perhaps a conversation is needed with your partner, child, friend or parent on how you would like to be loved and supported when disappointing news comes your way. Having someone know how you want to be supported can be an enormous help.

Recently I experienced very disappointing news. I have written a book about my mother’s dying process and how her attitude during her final weeks was so uplifting and inspiring, that it actually transformed the lives of everyone in our family. I have a wonderful agent who is representing the book and very excited about it. We had received ten rejections so far. The editors of these publishing companies loved the book and the idea, but their marketing departments shot it down each time. Finally it looked like it would all come together with a major publishing company. The senior editor loved the book project and went into the final meeting ready to fight if necessary with the marketing department. She sent a very sad email that she was outraged and extremely disappointed that her marketing department vetoed the project. When I read her email, it was one rejection too many for me and I burst into sobs. Barry held me for about a half hour, which was just what I needed. Then he got up to continue his day, but I was not done crying. I was not just crying for this rejection, but for all of the rejections that have come my way through publishing and other situations. I was also crying because it was a book about my mother and it was her birthday the next day. I really wanted to get the book published as a gift to her, and I knew how much she wanted this information to help other people.

Usually, when I cry, it is over in a short time. But this cry was big and lasted off and on throughout the day. Later on, Barry tried to cheer me up with positive comments like, “I know we’ll find a publisher.” These comments were beautiful and I know that he meant to help me, but it was like another dam holding back this huge emotion that was surging through me. In those moments I could not receive his helpful comments. I knew I just had to allow all of the pain to come up and be felt.

By the end of the day I felt better and Barry and I had a conversation I wish we would have had long before this disappointment. How do we each want to be treated when disappointing news comes along? This was a really big disappointment for me and I needed to just feel the pain and cry. I loved when he held me and it was even alright when he left to continue his day. But the helpful comments were interfering with the process I knew I needed to go through.

It is also important to be able to express in the moment what you need. Sometimes I receive disappointing news and I will ask Barry, “Can you just tell me everything will be OK?” Then he holds me and gives me wonderful advice and wisdom and I love it. Barry told me that similarly he just wants to be held and if he wants helpful comments he will ask for it in the moment. Sometimes love requires that we just hold the person while they go through the disappointment, not trying to rescue or fix them. If you are not sure what your partner needs, just ask, “Right now what are you most needing?”

It is also helpful to have these conversations with your loved one before they go through one of these big disappointments. People will want and need different things and we won’t really know until we ask them. Some people just want to be held and allowed to feel the disappointment. Some will want their loved one or friend to pray for them immediately or perhaps to hear words of wisdom and encouragement. Some will want their loved one to drop what they are doing and just be there physically.

Twenty six years ago we had just published our first book, The Shared Heart, and were starting to travel and do workshops. Barry was also working as a doctor at the UCSC medical clinic for students. As our workshops became more frequent, it became more stressful for Barry to continue working as an MD in the clinic. One day Barry called me from his job and asked me to come and be with him. His boss, the medical director, had just “let him go” from this job. This was a complete surprise to both Barry and I. His boss loved him very much and told him that he needed to do this because Barry’s heart was no longer into medicine, and he needed to go and do what was his passion. Though this turned out to be a wise decision on the boss’s part, it was still very disappointing and Barry’s voice choked up as he told me.

I dressed our two little girls, ages 3 and 8, in their prettiest dresses. We picked some flowers and drove the half hour to the campus clinic. When we arrived Barry was so grateful to see us and receive a family hug. He just needed our physical presence there with him. Rami, age 8, was holding the flowers and wanted to give them to his boss, for she felt that he must be sad as well. We all marched in and the girls gave the boss the flowers and told him he must be sad as well. He started to cry. Barry and I and our girls all gave him a big hug. Fifteen minutes later I was back in the car driving the girls home. It was a lot of effort for such a short time, but it was just what Barry needed to help him with the disappointment.

Ultimately, we each know what we need when we are disappointed. Telling your friend or partner just how they can support you will be an enormous help in difficult times. We all want to help and really be there for one another when disappointment strikes. Knowing what our loved one wants ahead of time, will allow you to be fully present and comforting.



Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Healing Body Image

Do you ever feel that other people have less body image issues than you? That other people are more comfortable with their bodies? I hate to burst your bubble, but Joyce and I have never met anyone who is at peace with their face and body, who completely accepts how they look or feel in their bodies. There was a nightclub singer/performer at one of our workshops who could have won any beauty contest. Her face and body were truly gorgeous. And she moved with such ease and grace that she appeared to be proud of her looks. You can imagine everyone’s surprise when she revealed the depth of her discomfort with her body. She actually felt she was ugly.

There is such a deep conditioning in almost all cultures worldwide. It is hard to escape the petty judgments of our outer appearance, all of which by the way are mere projections. If your parents, teachers, siblings or peers are unhappy with their own bodies, they may project their unhappiness onto you. And if they’re jealous of how you look, it could make their comments even worse. People see too often through the filter of their own body image. Especially as children, without developed filters of our own, we take in these negative comments as the truth about us.

My dad is a good example. Overweight most of his adult life, by the time he was 60 he had had two cardiac bypass surgeries. His doctor, concerned about his health, and my mother, afraid of losing him, both harped on him constantly to lose weight. His retirement years were spent living in a world where there were two kinds of people: overweight and underweight. It was sad and funny at the same time. My parents traveled periodically from their home in San Diego to visit us. Walking into our house, first there would be the welcome hugs. Then, without any other words being spoken, my dad would look me up and down and say in his distinctive Brooklyn accent, “Barry, you’ve gained!” or “Barry, you’ve lost!” Then he’d look at Joyce and say, “Joyce, you’ve lost!” He had more tact with Joyce than with me. With his young grandchildren he was usually safe with the “gained” category. They were growing after all. Because of his preoccupation with his own weight, he too often saw others through his filter of either gaining weight or losing weight.

A few years back, before I got good at spam filtering, my email inbox was filled with “penis enlargement” offers. As if a larger penis would allow a man to feel manlier. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. In our work with couples, penis size has never, I repeat, never been the issue. It’s not the size, it’s how it’s used, and with how much love, that’s important.

Sometimes, in our workshops, we break out into pairs or small groups to work on our body image issues. And remember, we’ve never met anyone who doesn’t have body image issues. We encourage every participant to be completely honest with their feelings about their bodies. And they do. The comments cover the complete range: fat, skinny, ugly, too tall, too short, features too big or too small, too little hair, too much hair, too many wrinkles, weakness, sickness, too little energy, you name it. Then, after all this is shared, a wonderful thing happens. Joyce and I ask those one, two or three other people in the group to point out the beauty they see in the person who just spoke. True, it is always easier to see beauty in someone else than it is to see it in yourself. Yet it helps, sometimes enormously, to be seen as beautiful, or loving, or just right, and the feature you dislike the most is often seen by others as the cornerstone of your beauty. The nose you think is too big (OK, that’s one of my body issues), others see as strong and distinctive. A man who was ashamed of his shortness, who felt more like a boy than a man, was seen as just as powerful as any other man in the workshop. It brought tears of relief to his eyes.

We have no idea how much we help each other by pointing out beauty. Joyce and I had the most wonderful training in Los Angeles from 1970-1972. We had two “appreciation teachers” at the time. One was Leo Buscaglia and the other was a young woman in her early twenties. They appreciated us and everyone else with passion and innocence. They saw so much beauty in Joyce and me, we had no choice but to absorb what they were seeing, and revision ourselves. It became extremely contagious. We began seeing beauty and love in everyone we met. Yes, it was the early 70’s in LA hippie central, but it became a spiritual practice we use to this day.

Joyce and I will be 64 this month. Rather than singing the old Beatles’ song, “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?” a more accurate song is, “Do you still find me attractive?” When I tell Joyce how beautiful she looks, that she has the body of a love goddess, that I feel so deeply attracted to her, and that I always look forward to making love to her, she shyly smiles and says in an enthusiastic voice, “Really?!” Even though it may be interpreted as a question, it’s actually not. She is wholeheartedly taking my appreciation into her very body and soul.

Likewise, it’s too easy for me to look into the mirror and notice proof of aging: skin sagging, belly growing, muscles diminishing, and OK, nose growing. It feels so good when Joyce tells me how good I look, and how attracted she is to me. She tells me I’m the most handsome man she has ever known. That feels good!



Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Brace for Impact!

“Brace for impact!” These were the alarming words spoken by the pilot of flight 1549 on January 15, 2009, as the jet taking off from New York City suddenly plummeted into the Hudson River. Miraculously, everyone survived! In their thought provoking book, Brace for Impact, Kevin Quirk and Dorothy Firman interviewed passengers and found out that after this terrifying experience they definitely shifted their priorities in life. These passengers realized that relationships were so much more important than careers, sports, addictions and all of the other things that keep us from being in our hearts and loving the people closest to us.

What would your thoughts, feelings, desires, regrets, and heartfelt prayers be if you, like these passengers, knew you perhaps only had two more minutes to live? And then if, by a miracle, you did survive the crash, how would you change your life? Are we honoring our relationships and loving enough, or are we distracting ourselves with things that really don’t matter? There is perhaps not one person who, upon their death bed, regrets they didn’t spend more time in the office, or more time watching sports, drinking, using drugs, watching hours of TV and of course the list goes on. Instead, they want to know that they loved and cared for others. This is what brings peace to a dying soul.

“Brace for impact!” Upon hearing such words perhaps your first thought would be to pray in some form. If you had spent time in your life developing your relationship with God (Higher Spirit, Divine Presence, etc.) this would come easily to you and would be a source of tremendous comfort. Our spiritual relationship is our most important relationship and one that needs to be honored and cultivated each and every day of our lives. From this relationship flows connection into all other relationships.

“Brace for impact!” Perhaps your thoughts would center on your children. Have you loved them enough? Do you give them enough of your time? When I first became a mother, I was visiting my parent’s home with our baby. My cousin, who is much older than I am, came to see our baby daughter. I asked him for his best advice on parenting. He said, “Really be there for your children and give them your love and your time. I deeply regret the years that I let my career be more important than my children and wife. And I celebrate the years that I knew they were the most important. The mistake of not being there for a certain phase in their growth can never be undone. You can never recapture that period.”

My cousin’s advice stayed with me and became a foundation for my life as a parent. Barry and I set a goal to make our relationship and our three children the priority over our work. We probably could have made more money, written more books, traveled to distant places and given more speeches. After the publication of our first book, The Shared Heart, when our first two children were small we were getting 2-3 exciting invitations each week, major speaking tours, cruise ships, world tours and conferences. All of these invitations would have taken us away from our daughters. We only accepted those invitations in which we could either take them along, or be gone a maximum of two days.

And now our children are grown and leading active lives. Do they remember that we were there for every school play, concert, almost every volleyball game, and when they were sick? They may or may not, that is not so important. But we remember. The memories of seeing John-Nuri singing solos in the school play, or Mira singing “Deep and Wide” in the elementary concert, or reading stories and being there to hear Rami’s prayers each night are a permanent part of our hearts and memories. There is such a peace inside that we were really there and took place in each phase of their growing years.

“Brace for impact!” What about your partner, wife or husband? Have you really told them how you feel? My parents both had heart disease. They were aware that they could die at any time, so they developed a very special ritual. Before they went to sleep each night they thanked each other for the gift of sharing their lives together. They appreciated each other and shared their love. Then in the morning when they woke up together, they said a prayer of gratitude that they had another day together. They never lost sight of the fact that this could be their last day. When my father did die suddenly at the age of 89, my mother was prepared and peaceful for she and my father had said their good-bys for nine years and had welcomed each new day as a celebration to be together.

“Brace for impact.” What about all of your other relationships: siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and relatives? Have you expressed your love and caring? In one of our workshops a woman was complaining about her mother with whom she had not talked for over a year. They had a “falling out” and the daughter refused to return any of the mother’s calls or letters. By going deeper into her feelings, the daughter realized that she also needed to apologize to her mother. We urged her to call her mother that very night. The next day she returned to the workshop with a glow of happiness around her and told us that she had the most wonderful call with her mother. She apologized first and then her mother apologized and then they cried together and shared an hour of love and fond memories. We heard from this same woman four days later. Her mother had been in a car accident and died instantly. She was so grateful for the healing loving words that she and her mother had spoken.

“Brace for impact!” What if that had been you in that fateful plane? Have you really spoken all the words of love that you need to? Now is the time. Fortunately for the passengers of flight 1549, they all survived the crash into the Hudson River. And for all the loving words that were not spoken before, they were spoken as quickly as possible. Does it take a near plane crash to wake us up to the fact that this life is precious and our time here is numbered? Today is the day to appreciate and show our love.

Let “brace for impact” take on a different meaning. Let it instead encourage you to prepare for a loving “impact,” a connection between two hearts that may forever “impact” your life.

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Friday, November 12, 2010

First Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask

Do you feel you deserve love? Do you feel worthy of real happiness? These are very basic questions. Many people answer with a quick “Yes, of course I do,” which is often from the mind and not from the feelings. From many years of experience working with a diverse range of people, Joyce and I have observed something different. True, most people “think” they are deserving of all good things. Unfortunately, most people’s feelings often undermine what they think, and sabotage their actions.

Take Trudy for example. Present with her husband Jake at one of our couples retreats to “deepen their already happy marriage,” we led a “re-parenting” exercise. We feel it is very important for people to understand the needs of their inner child, the part of themselves that needs love, acceptance, and validation. Trudy had no trouble holding and loving Jake’s inner child. He curled up on her lap just like a little child. When it came time to switch places, Trudy resisted. She felt she didn’t need to be held as a child. She only wanted to be held as a woman. When I intervened and coached her past her resistance, her body suddenly shuddered with sobs of pain and grief. She revealed later that she had no idea how much she needed as a child, and how much unworthiness she felt. She had just learned a tool to make her “happy marriage” much happier.

Rick is another example. A very loving and generous husband and father of three teens, he found himself continually giving to his family, his friends, and his community. When we asked what he gave to himself, he couldn’t think of much, besides the basics: eating and sleeping. When we pressed him on this subject, he instead asked, “Isn’t that selfish?”

How many of us were given the message that it is selfish to give to ourselves? That it is more blessed to give than to receive. There is often a deeper message here: we don’t deserve to receive. My favorite Native American saying: “Humble yourself to receive, before you can truly give.” In fact, there can be no real giving unless you are willing to receive.

Flight attendants instruct passengers, in the event of loss of cabin pressure, to put an oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help your children or other passengers. A mother sitting next to me on one flight defiantly blurted out, “They can’t tell me what to do. I’d put the masks on my children first.” But how much help could this mother offer her children if she passes out while trying to put their masks on?

Like many people, I somehow learned growing up that my goodness, my very worth, came from how much I gave, or the good things I did. This was a damaging message. No matter how much I did or gave, it never brought me a sense of inner worth. Some years ago, at our annual couples retreat in Rowe, MA, I shared my struggle to find my innate worthiness. An older man in the group offered to hold me on his lap on a couch in the back of the room. I hesitated. I was, after all, one of the leaders of this retreat. However, Joyce, and our musician friend, Scott, were all over this idea.

I finally accepted his offer and lay in his lap, while he stroked my face and spoke to my inner child, “Little Barry, always remember you are loved for who you are, not for what you do. Joyce and Scott have the retreat handled. There is nothing you need to do. You are precious and special just as yourself.”

It was an amazing experience! I completely let go of leading the retreat. I vaguely heard talking in the room, but it was all in the background. In the foreground, I concentrated on absorbing the loving fatherly words spoken to me as a little boy. I got it! After all, I was a human being, not a human doing.

Where do these feelings of unworthiness come from? Mostly they come from old damaging messages. As children, we are open and trusting to the caregivers in our lives. If we hear things like, “You’re good for nothing,” or “You’ll never amount to much,” or “Can’t you do anything right,” we take these words deeply into our beings, our self-image is damaged, and unworthiness grows like an unwanted weed in the garden of our soul.

These damaging messages can also come from ourselves. Over the years I’ve realized how many times I’ve condemned myself because of the hurtful things I’ve done in anger, the mistakes I’ve made that have caused suffering, even the times as a child when I took out my own pain on our family pets. As an adolescent, I stole, I cheated, I lied, and I vandalized other people’s property. Even though these things happened in the distant past, they live on in my unconscious mind, ever trying to convince me that I don’t deserve love or good things to happen to me.

Another one of our workshop exercises involves self-acceptance. In small groups of 3 or 4 persons, we give each person an opportunity to vulnerably reveal something they have difficulty accepting about themselves. For most people there is no shortage of these items. We then give the others in the group a chance to accept each speaker exactly as they are. It is remarkable how easy it is to fully accept another person’s flaws, to see these weaknesses or mistakes as part of their beauty. At the end of each person’s turn, I will often sing a sweet little song written by our friend, John Astin,

“You are precious, you are whole. 
Listen deeply and you will know
You’re a child who’s worthy of heaven’s grace.
And it’s a worthiness no mistakes can erase.”


When a child is first learning how to walk, it will inevitably fall down. Do we condemn that child because it fell? No, we encourage him or her to keep trying. We may even see the cuteness in this innocent mistake. We are no different than this child. We inevitably fall down in many ways. Those who love us most, whether it be people or heavenly beings, also see our mistakes yet they continue to love and encourage us to keep trying. If we can see and understand this unconditional love that no mistakes can erase, we can then let go of any feelings of unworthiness.







Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of LoveRisk To Be HealedThe Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Risking For Love

Animals are wonderful teachers of love. We have a wonderful elderly cat named Sam who is a beautiful example of overcoming fear in order to be loved.  He is very large, almost 20 pounds, and is mostly a Maine Coon with tabby-like dark gray markings. We got Sam from the animal shelter 16 years ago. He was 3 months at the time and was terrified of our dogs. At that time we also had 5 other cats. Sam immediately bonded with the cats but for the next 14 years remained afraid of our golden retriever dogs. He would not enter a room if a dog was there. If he was outside and saw a dog he would run as fast as his large frame would allow. Of course no dog can always resist a fleeing cat, and so sometimes he would be chased in fun by the dogs. For the most part though the dogs ignored Sam, but for his part he always practiced caution around the dogs, never allowing himself to come closer than 20 feet.

Over the years four of the cats died. That left just Sam and Ben, who were inseparable. They ate together, slept together, walked together and even drank their water together. When Ben began to decline two years ago, Sam did not leave his side until the moment he actually died. Now Sam was alone and his grief was big. I sensed that he would not accept a new cat and hoped that our love would be enough for him. Even though we held him a lot and fussed over him, I could tell that he was still very lonely, wanting a companionship that we humans could not give him.

We have a dog named Lucy who loves attention wherever and whenever she can receive it. After Ben’s death we noticed how Sam would edge closer and closer to Lucy. At first it was just being on the same deck at the same time. Lucy would sleep and Sam would sit far away just observing her. This went on for months with Sam moving perhaps an inch closer each day. One day I was sitting outside when I saw Sam come and sit right by Lucy’s head. Lucy must have sensed that this was a big step for him, for she lay very still with her eyes open and did not move in anyway. Slowly and with great caution Sam reached down and began licking Lucy’s head. Lucy’s tail softly thumped on the deck, but she otherwise remained still. After he licked her face he rubbed his head against hers and then walked over and lay down beside her and began to purr. This was the beginning of a special love relationship between Sam and Lucy. It is now quite usual to see Sam even lying on top of Lucy. He even puts up with Lucy’s awkward slobbering tongue, a deep insult to most felines. Sam could have let his fear of dogs continue to dominate his life. But day by day he worked to overcome these fears so that he could receive what he most needed, the giving and receiving of love from an animal friend.

How about you? Do you sincerely want to get close to someone but are afraid because they are so different, might reject you, seem more worthy than you, or any of the many reasons why we don’t push past our fears to get close to someone.

When I was 18 years old I traveled for the first time to meet Barry’s parents. Barry and I had been together for less than a year, but already our love and connection was very deep. In my youth and naivety I assumed his parents would be just like Barry, a great listener, thoughtful and deep in his conversations. When I met Barry’s New York City Jewish family I felt as though I had stepped onto a foreign planet. Everyone was talking at the same time. For a family member to be heard by another they simply yelled louder than the others. This volume increased steadily to a deafening racket until Barry’s dad would yell louder than the others and tell everyone to be quiet. Soon the cycle repeated itself all over again. Barry sat quietly, oblivious to what was going on.

The hardest part for me was that no one was listening to anyone else. Throughout the meal times with Barry’s family I sat totally quiet, not daring to speak. I had come from a family in which only one person spoke at a time and the rest listened. Even when we had large family gatherings of my Swedish relatives, no one interrupted and everyone listened to the others, even if they disagreed.
For several years, whenever I would visit I was afraid to speak. But slowly, just like Sam, I edged closer to Barry’s parents. My need to love and be loved by them grew stronger than my fear. In the beginning I would cautiously say a word or two. But then I realized that no one was listening to me anyway and so I became bolder and spoke whole sentences. I even experimented with raising my voice to be heard, or confronting them if I felt unheard. I bravely found my way with them and have grown to have a very loving relationship with Barry’s only living parent, his mother.

I could have allowed my fears to keep me from developing a relationship with Barry’s parents. I certainly had my reasons. But in overcoming these fears I am the one who received the most, for they had so much love to give to me. It just looked different from what I was used to.

As I finish writing this I glance out the window and see Sam cuddled up close to Lucy with the other two dogs nearby. A look of pure contentment is upon his face. When he notices me he looks up and gives me his “Sam smile” as if to say, “Tell them it’s worth it to push past your fears of being hurt. There is a great blessing of love on the other side.”    


Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of LoveRisk To Be HealedThe Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Our Inner GPS

“Joyce and I invite you to now take a risk. We invite you to close your eyes and find a partner in this group of people without the use of your eyes.”

After speaking these words in one of our workshops, before we continue leading the exercise, we can’t help noticing the varied reactions on people’s faces. Some smile happily in anticipation of doing something new and different. Others stare at us horrified. The rest show all the reactions in between.

Why do we sometimes do this exercise in our workshops? Many years ago at one of our first workshops, we met Robin in Tucson, Arizona. Robin was 100% blind, or “other-sighted” as she liked to call it. She “saw” by touching people (appropriately!), or by listening more deeply than people normally do. She once told Joyce that she could hear my smile by the subtle change in the quality of my voice.

Inspired by Robin’s way of seeing and her courage, we created our “Blind Exercise.” We instruct workshop participants to stand in a circle and be on their honor to keep their eyes completely shut. We ask them to not make any sounds, so as not to give away who they are in the slightest.

The whole purpose of the exercise is to practice listening to a sort of inner GPS, our inner guidance system, rather than resorting to the usual outer ways of interacting with others. If we would instead say, “Now look around the room and partner up with someone,” most people would look through a whole assortment of filters, all based upon appearances. Certain kinds of looks, the way they move, smile, stand, even their clothes would influence the decision. But cut out the eyes, and a whole other world opens up to be experienced. This is true when Joyce or I counsel individuals or couples over the phone. Some may criticize this modality because of the lack of visual cues, but what we lose in the visual we gain in our other senses: more acute hearing, feeling and intuition.

OK, I’m also a medical doctor. The optic nerve, sending signals from the eye to the brain, is one of the shortest nerves in the body. Reaction time is therefore extremely rapid. When we are in a dangerous situation, this fact helps us survive. But when appearances are not of prime importance, snap judgments can hinder us, like when we want to love rather than just survive. Hence our “Blind Experience.”

So with everyone wandering around the room with their eyes closed, how do they find a buddy? They walk very slowly with hands out in front of them. This way they can feel for other hands. How do you know this is the right person? You hold still a moment and listen inside. This can be a challenge in itself. “What if I take too much time?” No such thing! There is no rush. It sometimes takes time to really listen to this inner prompting.

“What if I get an inner ‘no’?” Simply let go of these hands and move on. “But I can’t do that! That would be rejecting that person!” Ah, that might be the case if your eyes were open. But in this situation, it is simply about listening within, listening for that inner yes or no. And sometimes that yes comes with hands that may feel somewhat uncomfortable. It’s not about finding the easiest hands to hold. It’s about finding the hands that will most help you grow.

“And what if I get that inner go-ahead?” Then squeeze the person’s hands as a signal that you are committing (not for life – just for this one exercise!). But things can get even more interesting. Just because you squeeze these hands, it doesn’t mean this will be your partner. He or she may get a “no” and let go of your hands to move on. Does this mean you failed? Heavens no! Might you feel rejected? Possibly. Every feeling has something to teach you. Pay attention to them all.
What about the other side? Someone is squeezing your hands, perhaps enthusiastically, obviously saying, “I really want you as a partner.” It’s nice to feel wanted, isn’t it? It’s tempting to squeeze back, but that would be listening outside rather than inside. If you get a “no,” just let go and move on.

Everything about this exercise is a training for life and conscious relationship: taking as much time as you need to listen inside for both the “yes” and the “no,” looking for growth rather than only comfort, feeling all your feelings.

It sometimes takes time, but eventually everyone is partnered up, having both squeezed one another’s hands. Then, still with their eyes closed and total silence in the room, we seat everyone facing their partner or partners. We instruct them to take turns sharing the biggest challenge in their lives. It’s so refreshing to not know the person you’re with – not their age, not even their sex. The sharing takes on a deeper more vulnerable quality. Once, in England, we watched a very proper-looking seventy-something gentleman pair up with a wildly-dressed twenty-something young woman. They had an extraordinary connection, which might never have happened had their eyes been open. In another workshop, a man paired up with his wife, but was convinced he was with another woman. He shared first. His wife listened with rapt attention as he vulnerably spoke about their problems, and especially his own pain and grief, things he had never had the courage to say to her. To say that he was surprised when it was her turn to speak would be an understatement. She revealed her own pain, which led them throughout the rest of the workshop to break through to a new love, the start of a new relationship together.

We end the exercise by having each person appreciate their partner or partners, creating even more sweetness and bonding. Then we ask everyone to open their eyes in silence and see with their eyes the beauty and strength they have been feeling in their hearts. We ask everyone to use their eyes as an instrument of love rather than judgment or separation. Does everyone want to open their eyes? Hardly. With eyes closed, there is a divine feeling of connection that most people don’t want to leave. Some have even asked to spend the rest of the workshop with closed eyes!

One woman was so touched by this experience that she did something unusual on a “blind” date. A friend set her up with a man she had never met. When they were arranging the date, she asked him to show up at her door and put a blindfold over his eyes. She did the same on the other side of the door before she opened it. She then took his hand, led him into her home, and together they spent the entire evening blindfolded. It was a remarkable evening, with the conversation going deeper and deeper. And yes, they are now married!

We encourage you to do your own blind experiment – with a good friend or loved one. Spend time together with your eyes closed, communicating, sensing, listening within. Pay careful attention, for you will learn much about your partner and yourself.
   
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of LoveRisk To Be HealedThe Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

From Survival to Gratitude

Recently I had the experience of how gratitude in difficult times can dramatically improve a situation. I have often read that gratitude in times of extreme stress or fear can change your attitude, give you more physical strength to continue, and help to even restore a level of happiness. Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to practice this.

Barry and I have different ideas about the ideal vacation. He loves adventure in the wilderness; I prefer something more relaxing like camping by a mountain lake. Each summer we try to each go on the other’s ideal vacation. Barry has taken me on some amazing adventures and usually we go to my favorite isolated High Sierra lake. This year, however, what was supposed to be his dream adventure turned into a harrowing experience of survival.
For the past six years, Barry has wanted to raft the Green River in the Desolation and Gray Canyons of Utah, described as the most remote location in the lower 48 states. This trip has never called to me and so I kept putting him off. Finally I thought to myself, “What if something happened to Barry and he never got to go on this trip? How would I feel?” I decided to go. For six days we would raft 85 miles down the wilderness area alone.

The first day was delightful. I still had to get over the fact that the river was brown, unlike the crystal clear rivers I am used to. But I was determined to enjoy myself and therefore allow Barry to really enjoy this particular dream. I was so glad we had that peaceful day, for the rest of the trip got worse, then bad, and then scary bad. Neither we, nor the ranger who checked us in at the put-in, knew that a really intense wind, rain and thunder storm was coming from down-river. This nearly nonstop storm lasted four days and nights, making our progress down-river painstakingly slow. The up-river wind was so intense that we needed to row and paddle with all our strength to even go through a normally fast flowing rapid. We didn’t have the luxury of waiting out the storm in our tent because we planned just enough time to get down the river and make it home for some important scheduled work. Besides, the guidebooks all said that six days would allow a leisurely trip, allowing time for side canyon hikes.

During the four days that we struggled down the river, we never saw another person. Did we not get the “memo?” The winds were so strong that if we stopped to get a drink of water for a minute, we would rapidly go backwards losing valuable distance that we had fought to obtain.
At the end of the third day we saw a BLM river ranger, his raft behind a huge boulder and tied to it. Surely this ranger would lend some support and boost our spirits with his assurance, yet his words were anything but comforting. “I’ve been a ranger on this river for over twenty years and I’ve never seen winds like this. I’m not sure I can make it out.”
He was visibly shaken and, over the roar of the winds, we tried to comfort him. Finally, from sheer exhaustion, we set up camp across the river from him and he got up the courage to continue struggling down the river. After he left we looked at each other curiously and said, “Aren’t the river rangers supposed to be comforting us?”

That night we ate our dinner in the tent which was staked down securely and covered by the rain fly. Still sand managed to come in and cover our meager meal. While we tried to sleep, the wind howled and our tent shook so much that we thought we might just become airborne.
I woke in the morning with sand completely covering my face, eyes, lips and every inch of the tent. And this was not the coarse sand we are used to in California, but rather a fine powdery sand from clay that fills every (and I mean every) opening. I looked at Barry and realized that even he, the great outdoors man, was unsure of what we should do. We tried going for a little walk, but each step was difficult against the strength of the wind. I felt my happiness beginning to drain away. The screaming, powerful wind and the sting of the sand as it blasted my body was totally dominating my attention.

Just when it seemed like my very happiness was being blown away by this wind, a small voice spoke inside of me, “Joyce, isn’t there something you could be grateful for? Find this and you will feel different.”
I stood as still as I could with the wind beating me this way and that. What could I be grateful for? Finally I felt I could be grateful that two 64 year old people had the endurance and strength in their bodies to continue down the river. We have been blessed with bodies that can row and paddle all day long against these gale-force winds. (We heard later that they were clocked at 60mph.) Rather than putting my attention upon the wind, I shifted it to thankfulness.

Gratitude filled my being and, with it, the courage to continue. As I focused on our strength and endurance, other blessings quickly came to mind. I felt grateful for the love and harmony between Barry and me, and how well we were working together in this difficult situation. I felt grateful for an inner knowing that we were being protected by an invisible presence.

Five minutes later an icy hail that hurt our skin came out of the sky for about a half hour. Yes, this hail threatened to take my attention like the wind had, but I urged myself to focus on gratitude for the many blessings in my life. This feeling of gratitude saw me through that day of cold pouring rains and thunder and another day of even stronger winds.

The sixth and last day was gentle. The storm was gone. As we easily floated down the river I reflected on my experience. Yes, this was not exactly my “dream vacation,” but I had received a valuable lesson. Gratitude in times of stress, pain and fear can truly lift the spirit and give us the courage to go on. This can also apply to all areas of our life.

People often come to us in times of great relationship stress. In these times all they can think about is their pain. Perhaps their partner has had an affair, or is leaving them, or has an incurable disease, or maybe they have just found out that their child is on drugs. These are very difficult situations for a human being and some feel like just giving up. But perhaps even in these extremely challenging times, finding a sense of gratitude about anything can bring the courage and strength to continue. It just takes the willingness to be grateful for one thing, and other meaningful thoughts of gratitude will surely follow.
  
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

When Giving is Receiving

A short time ago, Joyce and I fulfilled a thirty-five year old dream of leading a retreat in Assisi, Italy. The experience went way beyond what we could have ever imagined. Early one morning we brought our group of retreat participants to the Basilica de San Francesco, the tomb of Saint Francis. It’s difficult to adequately describe the enormity of the spiritual power here where millions of pilgrims have prayed and meditated in the place where Saint Francis is buried. Likewise, we felt a deeply loving presence at the Basilica de Santa Chiara, the tomb of Francis’ soul-mate, Saint Clare. Especially early in the morning, before the throngs of tourists arrive, the very atmosphere is charged with a heavenly energy most people can feel.
I sat with the group, letting this great power wash through my being. Previous mornings in these sacred places, I had been able to sink into deeper states of meditation than I normally do at home. I felt determined to go even deeper and bask in this holy glow.
Yet try as I may, I felt more and more agitated and restless. I felt like I was fighting against a river, trying to swim upstream. I felt frustrated, then defeated, and finally a little embarrassed. I couldn’t sit there any longer. I had to get up and move around. So I did, and as soon as I was moving I felt better.
Then I looked at the members of our group, each one earnestly striving to receive the blessing of this holy place. My heart welled up with love for each of them, and I knew in that moment what I needed to do. I was being called to bless each of them, to touch each one with love, perhaps even to speak something to each person.
As I approached the first person, I had to push through that inevitable bit of resistance, a reluctance to invade another’s personal space, even the thought that I would be disturbing their spiritual reverie. But the inner prompting won out over my mind’s protests, and I reached out my hands and gently placed them upon the head before me. As I did so, a deep peace swept through me, a confirmation that I was doing the right thing. With each successive person, my heart swelled with love, my hands felt charged with energy, and sometimes comforting words would come out of my mouth.
Was I just giving love? Absolutely not. I was receiving more abundantly than I ever do, even in my deepest meditations. If I was just giving, I would have eventually felt depleted. Yet with each person I felt increasingly more energized.
Saint Francis once went up on a mountain to meditate and pray for guidance. His deep desire was to live in seclusion, absorbed in the ecstasy of communion with God. And he well understood the service in this path of the solitary hermit – the blessings that would radiate out to all beings on the planet. But in a way he didn’t completely trust himself, because his desire for divine union was still desire. So he found one of his closest companions and gave him instructions to have a group of brothers (the Friars Minor) pray for guidance for him. Should he remain in seclusion for the benefit of humanity, or should he take action, traveling the world preaching and healing? Just to make sure, he sent another brother to Clare at San Damiano, because he trusted her wisdom perhaps above all others. The answer came back as one – his path was with people, not alone on a mountain top. From that moment on, Francis traveled extensively, changing lives wherever he went. Even in his lifetime, the brothers who joined him and the sisters who joined Clare numbered in the many thousands. Did he take time to meditate and pray in solitude? Of course. His inward time was vital to him. He took many retreats, but most of his spiritual communion took place at night, while everyone else slept.
On our website (SharedHeart.org), there is an article I wrote called “Miracle on the Mountain” in which I described a life-transforming experience I had on Mount Shasta in northern California in 1977. I went up on the mountain, similar to Saint Francis, to meditate in solitude, to have a spiritual experience by myself. Just like in Assisi, I came to a peaceful state, and then couldn’t sit still any longer. But unlike my experience in Assisi, I got up from my spot, packed up and left, feeling like I had failed. On the way down the mountain, I was able to save a man’s life. Talk about being of service in the world!
In 1973, Joyce and I started traveling, seeking after spiritual teachers. It was an abrupt switch from studying medicine and then psychiatry, to studying the spiritual disciplines of the east and west. But it was still studying. One of Joyce’s relatives made a comment that struck a deep chord in us, even though it hurt at the time: “The two of you are like the Dead Sea. Rivers run into it, but nothing runs out of it, and therefore nothing can live in it. How long are you going to keep learning before you give back?”
Well, we didn’t get the message. We traveled to the French Alps to spend the summer studying with the Sufi teacher, Pir Vilayat Khan. The first day he met us, he took us aside and gave us instructions that changed our lives forever: “You two will teach a class each day on relationships. There are classes here on so many dimensions of spirituality, but nothing on relationships. Without understanding our human relationships, we can’t bring spirituality down to earth.”
“But Pir Vilayat,” we protested, “we came here to learn, not teach.”
“Nonsense,” he replied. “You’ll learn best by teaching. You’ll receive most by giving.”
And so we did. With the help of translators, we taught the class to a large group of English, German and French-speaking people.
And our lives did change. Today, my favorite prayer is the prayer of Saint Francis: “Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace.” We ask God every day to simply be of service in this world, to help people wherever we can, to bring divine love into every situation. And this is what fills us with joy.
Please don’t miss out on an opportunity to give love and bless someone’s life: placing your hand on your child’s head and giving your praise, speaking appreciation to your beloved, touching a coworker’s shoulder while you thank him or her for a job well done, hugging a parent and thanking them for their love, or being extra kind to a total stranger. Then notice how much joy this gives you.
  
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant To Be. Even one session with either or both of them (over the phone or in person) can shift your life or relationship. Call 831-684-2130.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at www.sharedheart.org/ for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.